Resolutions

Long story short, I gained weight. A lot of weight. I’m 152.8 lbs. currently, to be precise. And it has come to my attention recently just how unattractive I become when I go over the 145 lb. mark. To put it one way, my face looks like a circle. I’m 20. If ever there is a time to shed your puppy fat for good, it’s now. The other day when hanging out with Caro in the broadway, the guy who was serving us cigarettes said I looked fifteen. He could have been joking but it got to me. I don’t want to have a baby face anymore. I see girls with those big wide smiles and skinny chins and smile lines and I feel jealous. I hate smiling these days because it just pushes my cheeks out even further. Ugh.

As well as losing the fuck ton of weight I gained this winter, I’m also in dire need of totally re-booting my attitude towards work. I’m not expecting to become perfect at everything overnight, but next term is going to be the most hectic term of the year, and my energy needs to be peak. The only way to get round this is by getting myself organised, staying focused on the task at all times, and essentially entering some sort of lean-mean-work-machine state whereby anything is possible. Last term I quickly lost sight of the things I set out to achieve, and it ended disastrously. Next term will be a different story. Fingers crossed, because I really do want to do well this year.

So the resolutions after New Years will be as follows:

-Start exercising
-Quit drinking
-To not buy cigarettes anymore
-Get into routine and stick to it
-Lose 30 lbs
-Make one short film
-Read more widely
-Do well at school.

-Oh, and don’t fall in love again, because it ruins everything, as I found out this year.

I’ll get back to logging my intakes tomorrow. There’s been no point as of late considering I’ve been eating well over 2,000 calories a day. The emphasis this week will be placed on more fresh fruit/veg, and less cheese/carbs, which I rely on way too much to make up the majority of my diet.
I actually can’t wait for 2013 to be over. It’s been one hell of a year, ‘hell’ being the operative word.

Damage control

I'm 149 lbs again, and not happy about this recent development, although I suppose I only have myself to blame for eating the way I did towards the end of term. I realised last night that I've completely forgotten how to eat for health rather than for comfort. I'm so used to being able to shove in a huge bag of salty crisps, cheese on toast, or cereal washed down by a bottle of mulled wine. They're just empty carbs which provide temporary happiness but in the long run they do me absolutely no good. It's no wonder I've put on half a stone. 

Realising that I'd actually forgotten how to eat well, I decided to look back to posts from earlier this year and 2012. I'd like to get back to how I was eating around the time I went to Amsterdam in September last year. I was living off a lot of vegan, organic foods and fresh produce, having yogurt granola and fruit every morning, drinking homemade smoothies and going out for sushi lunches with friends. I don't know what happened to that way of living! I suppose it faded away, along with school, old friends, and summer time. Still, I'm determined to get my health back on track. I've got a nasty cough so I'm limiting myself to a max of four cigarettes a day until I get better. I am also going to make a special effort to do mundane things like eat more fruit and veg. It may be the season to be jolly, but who says being jolly means getting fat??!

I started off the day with low fat vanilla yogurt, granola, sultanas & a chopped banana, plus an Innocent fruit smoothie. I'm meeting Tina at 5pm for Starbucks, so I think I'll have a super green lunch of mange tout, olives, and cucumber :) Dinner will probably be a bit of whatever's knocking around, although I do feel like making some soup and baguette. I'll see how it goes.  

On another happy note (insert sarcasm here), I've felt really, really unwanted since I came back to London. It's not that I feel like my family hate me or anything, but ever since Monday, my mum and sister keep throwing out little reminders that my return has caused disruptions. This morning my mum lost her rag with my sister because she wouldn't get up to go to school, and she blamed it on me coming downstairs at midnight to go to the bathroom. As if that is reason not to get up in the morning. Then she proceeded to say that everything was fine before I came home, and now no one can sleep because of me, and maybe I should just go back to university. I have half a mind to go back early in the new year. Honestly. If no one wants me here I'm not going to sit around and get shit hurled at me for being up at night. Did I mention that they moved me out of my room and into the attic mezzanine in my absence? It's so cramped up here, I don't have a door and I have to walk down a VERY rickety spiral staircase that creaks whenever I need to get downstairs. Good plan putting the insomniac on the top floor. 

Ugh. Anyway, rant over. I hope my mother cools her boots and stops blaming me for things that aren't my fault. I feel like I'm eighteen again on my gap year, like the unruly invalid child who's out of everyone else's schedule and makes more problems than she's worth. Or something.

It's been a while

Decided to return to this blog now that term has officially ended. I need it.

What’s happened?

A heart break, some weight gain, an (ongoing) existential crisis, more insomnia, and a lot of confusion. Long story short, I fell in love with my flatmate, the boy who lives opposite me. I'll call him Freddie. It was unrequited love, as far as he let on, although various things did happen between us that lead our friends (and me) to believe otherwise. The German fucked up big time and I decided to kick him out. Oh, and I also realised I'd been on a manic episode for about eight weeks and seriously needed to sort my shit out before I actually went up the wall. Now I'm back home and still reeling from it all. Time for a checklist? This term I -

-Went through about thirty condoms
-Spent about £1,300 without really realising
-Slept on average 4 hours a night
-Realised if I were to give up smoking I'd probably become a nymphomaniac instead
-Got even more entrenched in my disordered habits surrounding food and alcohol
-Sabotaged and saved up about a gram of Ritalin, which I fully intend to make proper use of this Christmas
-Met some people I'll probably know for the rest of my life.

Currently I need to numb myself by trying to diet again. I’ve become far too curvy for my own liking. Too soft round the edges. It’s not good enough. I need to be strong, fast, athletic, svelte. I cannot come back to university in January this same person. I do not want to be her anymore. She has not served me well.

Further musings - is it weird that I want to be tall, lean and athletic like a boy? I’m surrounded by so many chiselled beautiful young men at university who all have faces sculpted by angels, and naturally being a theatre student I like the idea of becoming an androgynous-looking faery. I get afraid of my own curves. They remind me I’m a woman and this fact often makes me feel very vulnerable.

It's all very Brechtian, I suppose. Watch this space x