Day 7

 Niko stayed again, with Caro still being in Chicago, and we made love all night. It was fucking amazing and I was so tired this morning but it was worth it. No idea where it will go or if it will go anywhere. But I'm placing zero expectations on this. I have no plans. No expectations. No pressure. This is the only way with him as I learnt the hard way at 25.

The veganism is still going strong. I'm feeling better after a week of amazing sleep, maintaining my weight of 87.8 give or take, not bingeing at midnight, walking at least 13,000 steps a day and not taking Amfexa. Withdrawal is levelling out. I'm now taking 2.5 mg of Lexapro every other day, which is probably going a bit too fast, but the side effects aren't as harsh when I do all the right things (take my B complex vitamin, sleep 8 hours plus, eat right, walk). I'm in such a battle over the ADD meds. When I don't have them, I crave them, I feel angry. When I get them, I can't take them responsibly, and even when I do, they like, eliminate my humour and personality - and make the physical symptoms of my chronic illness and migraine SO much worse. It's really tough. I'm still holding out to get the funds for my consult, which will run me about £250 not including meds, because he's a private psychiatrist. Plus, I need to get back to therapy, especially now I've started training myself. 

Curling up in bed with a cosy thriller on audible (I'm obsessed with Freida McFadden lately and have almost run out of books written by her to listen to). It's absolute trash, but I love it. 

Day 2

I woke up today sore and spotty but happier. I guess good sex with someone you used to love will do that to you. Maybe my body is just purging everything. 87.7 today. I didn't get out of bed til 2.30 and it was to hoover up the salt from yesterday's wine spill. Yikes.

Intake today so far:

- Dates (200)
- Nuts (180)
- 4 slices vegan cheese (360)
- Houmous and salad wrap (280) 

I'm going to go do a big food shop later for more vegan goodies. It's quite nice having Caro out of the flat for a bit. I forgot how nice it is to walk around naked without worrying, or have someone over if I want to.

Niko and I sleep together for the first time in 6 years

 We smash wine after the act, red wine at that, and it seeps over the Persian rug and the carpet. He's dashing on his way out and it's almost biblical, karmic. What did we expect? It's good, but his head is full of anxieties and worry. Will I get attached again? Will I develop expectations? My question is, will he? 

I know he will go away and worry his pretty little head about it all. But I'll have moved on. That's the truth. I am a sociopath about it all now. SSRIs and speed have screwed with my head to the extent that I literally go numb and then want my own space. It's healthy, probably. But I don't need him anymore. I don't need any boy.

I'm bleeding and it hurts, but I'm glad. I had a ten day build up to my period. I am losing weight, slowly, but the real calorie counting and dieting will start tomorrow. I ate:

-Oats with fruit and soy milk (150)
-Dates and nuts (200)
-Marinated tofu and barbecue sauce (380)
-Banana (90)
-Salt and vinegar crunchy chickpea things (180?)
-Fries with salt and ketchup (400)
-Falafel with hoummous (80)
-Red wine (???)
Total = around 1700???

And I was down to 87.9 this morning. So, something I'm doing is working. I never drink anymore, tonight was an exception. 

I quite like this vegan thing.

The neighbours complained about my footsteps overhead. I was pacing a lot last night, I can't help it. They live below an insomniac, but my room is thickly carpeted. What else can I do? I think they need to shut the hell up and get used to communal living. And living below a manic depressive artist, at that.

Withdrawal is kicking my butt. 5mg Lexapro for 3 weeks now and it's not been easy. I've run out of Amfexa, which I'm glad about. Having a week off is always good, but it's a shame it's the week where my roommate is away and so is my mum. I'd rather be on it away from them, away from everyone. 

Vegan reboot, jangled nerves

Going on another little plant-based moment. Caro hates it. She says that vegan ham is sacrilege, a shadow, which I'm inclined to agree with. Her diet largely consists of smoked meats, blue cheese, liver pate and anything with butter. To be fair, these things are delicious. But for the sake of my health, I'm going back to my vegan ways, at least for a little while. I'm excited to see if, in combination with cutting my antidepressant down, this leads to weight loss and possiblyyy hormone re-balancing. I hope to God it will. 

5mg is hard. I sort of feel like my nerves are jangled and it's difficult to tell what's what, what is coming from where, if you know what I mean. There's the migraine, then the PMS, then the withdrawal from Cipralex, then the bipolar, then the fact that it's getting colder and I'm naturally inclined to feel ill and chronic fatiguey and a bit depressed at this time of year. Then there's the fact that I am taking Amfexa sporadically and it gives me these weird fucking side effects which I don't like, but when I'm off it, I miss it horribly. I'm just waiting for that appointment where I can finally get prescribed Elvanse, which I've wanted to take for years. Taking stimulants in the manner I have been doing is problematic for me, it's always been problematic for me. At least with Amfexa I literally cannot overdose on them, unlike with Ritalin, which I used to take buckets of. The dexamfetamine pills make me feel so bloody strange in higher quantities that taking any more than 30mg in a day fucks with my head and is rendered completely undesirable as an activity. 

It's a cold and blustery day, unseasonably so. Really feels autumnal. I quite like it. Mum came round and we sat and had tea together and spoke about Christmas. I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with, but hopefully my dad will pull through and say I can come over to the States. Or somewhere else hot. If not, I might just run away with PVC (do you like their new nickname...?). Caro and I popped with Mum into a couple of the delis down the street from the flat. I bought some Borscht and sauerkraut, then we stopped at Tesco to pick up some bananas and spinach. I think I'm going to start making green smoothies again. I need all the nutrients I can get.  

I've been so many years off calorie-counting that I need to remind myself how to do it. I was 89 kilos today, way way too heavy. I'm re-reading this blog as motivation and I can't believe I got all the way down to 135 lbs at one point. That's literally 60 lbs less than where I'm at now. 

How long would it take to lose 60 lbs? And would it even be possible?

So far today I've had gluten free oats with frozen fruit, flaxfeed, PB and vanilla oat milk. Caro and I are going to hole up in front of some telly and get cosy with a pizza. Did you know they do vegan and gluten free pizza now? Wild. Probably not the best choice, but eh. Today's my last day of being allowed to feel like crap and act like a glutton. My counselling course starts tomorrow and then new job the day after that, so it's gonna be time to pull it together. 

Omg! I'm back!

Classic midnight blogger, you know me. It's just for me these days, as I know nobody from the old times is still reading this crap-ola. You know what I learned from re-reading my old blog posts? Plant-based worked. ADHD medication worked. I complain a LOT. I have bipolar, that much is bloody clear. But most of all, I learned the importance of writing things down. Tracking everything. It really has its uses, believe me.

I was 196 lbs today (89 kilos). I've been at this high weight for a very long time, and yes, I am still trying to figure out the reasons why. But I'm still the same girl, vaping in her bed and typing into the internet at half past midnight wishing for that 30+lb weight loss and hoping, believing, that this will help. And it will. 

There are few long-term... issues, shall we say, that I've been contending with this past nine or so months. Issue one is the migraine, which happens about ten days before I'm due. My hormones are fucking with me majorly and I've been attributing a lot to this - how depressed I get, the PMDD, the migraines, the panic attacks, the aura, my acne being at the forefront. I also have these very severe mood swings, which I've always had, looking back on these blogs that much is clear - but it's part of a greater pattern, a cycle I've been battling for over ten years now. It's not clinical depression anymore (if it ever was), it's something different, something cyclothymic, possibly approaching the bipolar spectrum, if not, flat-out manic depression. I would not be surprised. But all these things seem to correlate, and now I'm staring the reality in the face. I've been trying to start the process of tapering off Lexapro again, because I've become convinced that it's doing more to hinder me than help me. Withdrawal is so fucking hard but that alone shows me what a slave I am to this drug. I've gone from 10mg down to 5mg and I'm determined that once I get off it fully, I'll start to see some of the weight melt off. It's shot my metabolism and essentially 'treats' my depression by whacking it over the head with a very blunt, if not entirely inappropriate, instrument. 

Doing a little vegan cleanse and high-dosing myself with vitamins as it's getting fucking cold in London and withdrawal + PMS feels like full on flu. Praying for my period to come and release me from this HELL! 

Miss Tuscany.

Lovely chat with A.G. earlier. He always makes me smile. We sort of love each other, but he is not a sensible choice for a mate. 

Cara leaves on the 4th for a conference in Chicago. After months of no sex, apart from that run-in I had with Bruiser and the very passionate snog I had with Niko in his car the other week, the one we won't mention or discuss, lol, I'm considering having Pretty Vegan Couple over for a few nights to keep me company. 

196 lbs. Goal is always as it was. Lose a shit ton of weight and be able to wear nice clothes again. We try, try, try again. 

Day 2

Caro came over. She's having a shit time at work and we needed to discuss practicalities (money, whether or not she's moving in, her psychopathic boss). We ate olives and crisps and drank wine and it felt good to see her again, but there's something so heavy about her these days. I guess now, I'm the stable one, and she's the one who's struggling. It's odd. How the turn tables. 

Intake: 

- Sourdough with violife & marmite (250)  
- Black coffee (1)
- Rice and homemade bean/veg/tomato chilli thing (300)
- Vegan cheese (80) 
- Green salad leaves (30)
- Hot sauce (6) 
- 2 tortillas (150)
- Chilli olives (80) 
- Crisps & houmous (200?)
- Wine (???) 

Total: 1097

No, I don't count alcohol. I probably should, but it's early days. We're only just getting back into our restriction game.

It's weird - I seem to have a compulsion to just "buy" food. Even if I come to work with plenty to eat, I *have* to buy something from the shop. It's weird. It's like I panic if I think I have nothing to snack on, then I end up accumulating stuff in my fridge and I can't possibly eat it all without gorging myself. 

I feel a little bit less bloated today. I'm not going to weigh myself until a few more weeks into this. My goal is to stick to 1500 calories or less, a deficit for my height. I have a mythology that I cannot lose weight, but I think I've been overeating without realising because I never count calories anymore. I have a feeling this will be good for me. Write everything down, stay accountable. Get back on the wagon. Shed this weight. Become my best self.

Well this is strange.

I'm back again. Time to start up the old blog/dieting wagon. It's strange, but familiar. Like home.

I had a good stab last year, but it dried up. I'm the highest I've ever been. I weighed 208 on the scales last night, and 203 this morning. Ugh. I cannot keep this up. Don't feel or look like me. And the bloating is insane. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this weight gain is sheer bloat.

I've been gorging myself but my appetite is so huge, I haven't known how to reign it in. And it's been scaring me. Because I've not been accountable to anything or anyone for a long time now.

Slipped back into my old vegan ways on 1st January. Veganuary was a good excuse, that and the fact that I'm throupling with a pretty vegan couple right now. They're both so gorgeous and skinny, and I feel like I'm the wild exotic amazonian thing they happened to get dragged in with. I want to match them. 

Today's intake to start, and personal drama will invariably follow in the coming posts (you know me). 

- Baked potato with vegan cheese & plant based spread (300?)
- Piece of toast with vegan cream cheese & tomato, salt and pepper (200?)
- Fruit juice (150)
- Bite of homemade houmous (50?) 
- Homemade mushroom soup w/ croutons, crispy onions, maggi (200) 
- Dried strawberry bite thingies (40?)
- Handful of blueberries (30?) 
- Peppermint tea & black coffee (2) 
- 1 cup all-bran cereal (200?)

Total: 1172 calories 

I think I forgot how to count calories. I think I forgot they existed.

Yikes.