I am also on a serious budget this week - actually, I'm on a budget full stop. I really shouldn't be spending more than £50 per week, although it's made incredibly hard by the fact that I smoke cigarettes, require course material in the form of multiple Amazon orders, and drink copious amounts of diet coke. I also have a major impulse control problem that usually manifests itself in random alcoholic purchases on school nights and trawling eBay at 5am for vintage pine tri-fold mirrors. So from now on it's a £10 per day limit and that's it. Chopped tomatoes here I come.
Sunday, 18 January 2015
I went back up to 168 at university. I'm really fucking unhappy about it but this is the last time I weigh this much I swear to god. Doing a bit of a no dairy/meat detox currently, which is great because it means I can eat whatever I want so long as it's vegan. It's hard to hit 'normal' numbers of calories unless you add nuts and oil to everything you eat, which is a nice bonus because never once have I found eating a normal amount hard. I don't have any long-term plans, I'm just hoping to follow this until I get my weight under 160, seeing as that's where my last shred of self esteem pretty much staved off.
I am also on a serious budget this week - actually, I'm on a budget full stop. I really shouldn't be spending more than £50 per week, although it's made incredibly hard by the fact that I smoke cigarettes, require course material in the form of multiple Amazon orders, and drink copious amounts of diet coke. I also have a major impulse control problem that usually manifests itself in random alcoholic purchases on school nights and trawling eBay at 5am for vintage pine tri-fold mirrors. So from now on it's a £10 per day limit and that's it. Chopped tomatoes here I come.
I am also on a serious budget this week - actually, I'm on a budget full stop. I really shouldn't be spending more than £50 per week, although it's made incredibly hard by the fact that I smoke cigarettes, require course material in the form of multiple Amazon orders, and drink copious amounts of diet coke. I also have a major impulse control problem that usually manifests itself in random alcoholic purchases on school nights and trawling eBay at 5am for vintage pine tri-fold mirrors. So from now on it's a £10 per day limit and that's it. Chopped tomatoes here I come.
Thursday, 8 January 2015
164.4 as of this morning. I've chosen to stay in London until Sunday, which part of me regrets, but I don't feel ready to go back quite yet. Had a row with my mother, which made me feel like shit, but a walk did me some good. I need to start exercising properly. As soon as I get back to university, which will be Sunday evening, I'm getting my shit in order. Bought some new bedsheets, a record player, decanter, martini glasses and a rug. I'm trying to make the best of my situation.
Technically, it's only 12 lbs (5.4 kgs) until I get back to where I was this time last year. That doesn't sound all that bad, but I'm cynical. I don't know if I have the will to lose 12 lbs this term, although it's reassuring to know that it's the sort of amount of weight 'normal' people try to drop.
1290 calories so far, although I can't trust myself not to eat the other half of that bagel. It's calling my name from the kitchen.
I got an interview to study abroad next year, at an Ivy League university, although I'm fairly convinced I won't get it, given who I'm probably up against. My mother hates the idea, my father's thrilled. I guess I've been thinking that if I don't get it, I might apply to live on campus again next year. I miss the vibe of being in a flat of twelve people and coming home to other students every day. I feel very isolated off-campus, and the twenty minute uphill walk to the library is such a huge deterrent. I know I should just stop being so fucking lazy, but still, I miss being on a campus and feeling like an actual student. I miss the security of knowing everything is included, not having to worry about bills or laundry or running to a lecture or any of those fine details that just generally cause stress. In general, as you may have gathered, I don't deal very well with stress.
On the subject of stress, I've been having 'relationship problems'. Isn't that what normal people say? 'We're having problems'. I don't know how to articulate it all right now. I miss her, though I don't know what that means. Maybe it just means that I miss how I was at the start of last year, when we first got together. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it's all just nostalgia. I'm figuring it out.
Technically, it's only 12 lbs (5.4 kgs) until I get back to where I was this time last year. That doesn't sound all that bad, but I'm cynical. I don't know if I have the will to lose 12 lbs this term, although it's reassuring to know that it's the sort of amount of weight 'normal' people try to drop.
1290 calories so far, although I can't trust myself not to eat the other half of that bagel. It's calling my name from the kitchen.
I got an interview to study abroad next year, at an Ivy League university, although I'm fairly convinced I won't get it, given who I'm probably up against. My mother hates the idea, my father's thrilled. I guess I've been thinking that if I don't get it, I might apply to live on campus again next year. I miss the vibe of being in a flat of twelve people and coming home to other students every day. I feel very isolated off-campus, and the twenty minute uphill walk to the library is such a huge deterrent. I know I should just stop being so fucking lazy, but still, I miss being on a campus and feeling like an actual student. I miss the security of knowing everything is included, not having to worry about bills or laundry or running to a lecture or any of those fine details that just generally cause stress. In general, as you may have gathered, I don't deal very well with stress.
On the subject of stress, I've been having 'relationship problems'. Isn't that what normal people say? 'We're having problems'. I don't know how to articulate it all right now. I miss her, though I don't know what that means. Maybe it just means that I miss how I was at the start of last year, when we first got together. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it's all just nostalgia. I'm figuring it out.
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
167 lbs, a week post-new years, post-flight (involving two days awake and a thoroughly messed up sleep cycle), post-alcohol binge, still unacceptable. I wish I could just wake up and have my 135 lb figure back, without having to try. I am so sick of trying.
Listening to Aphex Twin and moody.
As a side note, I found a reading I took of my weight on January 2nd, 2014, so a year ago. I was 152.8 lbs. For some reason I had it in my head that I was 145 lbs last January, so in reality, it turns out the twenty-five pounds I thought I'd gained over the whole year actually only works out as seventeen, minus three. Of course it's not 'only', it's never 'only' - but 6 kilos sure sounds better than twenty-five pounds. I should just buck up and get to work, 6 kilos is really not that hard.
My sleeping habits are fucked. Everything is fucked, really. I'm anxious about this term. I want it to turn out well. I want to be better. I want to escape my life.
Unsurprisingly, I've been looking to Edie again for inspiration and answers. And I think I've found one. I'm going to become the next Poor Little Rich Girl. I'm going to be a spoiled little brat who only eats the best-tasting food and who gets drunk to be drunk. I'm going to whittle myself down to a tiny size and move around in short tight clothing, lithe limbs dancing, skinny hips twisting. I'm going to start my day with coffee and orange juice and end it completely out of my mind. I'm involved in a film project this Easter, and in order to play the part I have to live, breathe, sleep and look like the part. Well, I don't, but I'm going to, because I want to throw myself into something headfirst. I'm sick of this useless girl. There's no way I'm allowing myself to be on camera at this weight. No way.
Food groups from now on will be limited to:
1. protein
2. salad
3. coffee
4. martinis
5. anything from a delicatessen
Food groups from now on will be limited to:
1. protein
2. salad
3. coffee
4. martinis
5. anything from a delicatessen
Listening to Aphex Twin and moody.
As a side note, I found a reading I took of my weight on January 2nd, 2014, so a year ago. I was 152.8 lbs. For some reason I had it in my head that I was 145 lbs last January, so in reality, it turns out the twenty-five pounds I thought I'd gained over the whole year actually only works out as seventeen, minus three. Of course it's not 'only', it's never 'only' - but 6 kilos sure sounds better than twenty-five pounds. I should just buck up and get to work, 6 kilos is really not that hard.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)