Binged. Stepped on the scales, saw a number I didn't like, decided to pig out in my room when everyone else had gone to sleep. 2 cups of soya milk, 3 packets of crisps, 2 oatcakes, 1 piece of toast with hoummous, 1 orange and mango smoothie. Thought, if I binge, I might as well throw something healthy in there while I'm at it.
The only reason I've stopped is because it's nearly half eleven, and I have to wake up at 9 for a stupid CBT session that most likely won't even help me. I'll now be falling asleep with a full stomach, which, much as hunger pangs at night suck, is far worse than falling asleep hungry.
New plan starts tomorrow.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Grin and bear it
Weighed this morning, and got a nice surprise: 145.6 lbs! It's currently quarter to 11, and I'm aiming to go to the gym in about half an hour. I'll do rowing again (this time I need to wrap my hands in something, because I got the worst blisters yesterday) then some biking. When I get home I'll do some yoga to relax, have a bath, grab some lunch, and then start work for my madre.
The fact that the weather is looking up is making me feel a lot better. That, combined with losing a few lbs, has helped a lot.
I'm going to set a little challenge for myself, to reach 140 lbs by February 9th (the day of my friend's photo shoot). That's -5.6 lbs in 9 days, and if I work my arse off going to the gym every day and not giving in to temptations to binge, it shouldn't be too hard.
Plan for today:
Breakfast Hot cross bun, smoothie
Lunch Rice cakes, diet coke
Snack Coffee with soy milk
Dinner Vegetable stir fry
I also have to email my art department telling them I've decided to quit. Not looking forward to that, especially not if they call me in for yet another degrading, upsetting meeting. Going to grin and bear it, though. I have to.
The fact that the weather is looking up is making me feel a lot better. That, combined with losing a few lbs, has helped a lot.
I'm going to set a little challenge for myself, to reach 140 lbs by February 9th (the day of my friend's photo shoot). That's -5.6 lbs in 9 days, and if I work my arse off going to the gym every day and not giving in to temptations to binge, it shouldn't be too hard.
Plan for today:
Breakfast Hot cross bun, smoothie
Lunch Rice cakes, diet coke
Snack Coffee with soy milk
Dinner Vegetable stir fry
I also have to email my art department telling them I've decided to quit. Not looking forward to that, especially not if they call me in for yet another degrading, upsetting meeting. Going to grin and bear it, though. I have to.
Wednesday, 30 January 2013
Onwards and (down)wards...
I feel a little better this morning, despite all that happened yesterday. Calm, like this relief had washed over me, like things might actually be alright.
This morning I woke up early after a good night's sleep. I looked through my blinds at 9am, and smiled at how beautiful the sky was - blue and cloudy, but definitely blue. I weighed - 146.0 lbs, even though I binged yesterday. Brushed my teeth, had a bath. Got dressed into simple clothes and put on neutral, plain make-up. I felt okay. I felt satisfied. I felt whole.
Went into Central London for a hair model casting. Looks like I might get it - it's unpaid, but the images from the final shoot will be printed in a few high-end fashion magazines, which is exciting. I felt far too fat to even be considered by them, which is why I'm going to work extra hard over the next few weeks to get my weight down to a reasonable number. February will be a month of getting skinny. It's a promise I'm making to myself.
I'm going to the gym in a bit - probably going to use the rowing machine this time to tone up my flabby arms. I've become addicted to the exercise bike. You can watch the music channel on a screen whilst you work out your legs, and it's the best thinspo.
So far on today's food list:
- Raspberry soy yogurt
- 9 bar
- Innocent smoothie
- 3 rice cakes with spread
- Soy cappuccino
- Diet coke
All I'm planning to have for the rest of the day is a banana, and maybe an americano if I can scrabble together the change. Being poor is so much fun.
___________________________________
EDIT:
The rest of today went well. I went to the gym for a short one, did 20 mins on the rowing machine and 10 mins on the bike and burnt 240 calories in total. Met Caro for an evening coffee which was nice, ended up consuming one large orange, a bag of crisps, and an americano with a dash of soy milk and sweetener. Shame about the crisps, but it's not as bad as it could have been (plus I went to the gym before, so I feel less guilty about eating). It's 8.30 now and I'm thinking of getting another early night. Going to chill out, read some magazines, and cuddle my cats in bed - perfect evening :)
This morning I woke up early after a good night's sleep. I looked through my blinds at 9am, and smiled at how beautiful the sky was - blue and cloudy, but definitely blue. I weighed - 146.0 lbs, even though I binged yesterday. Brushed my teeth, had a bath. Got dressed into simple clothes and put on neutral, plain make-up. I felt okay. I felt satisfied. I felt whole.
Went into Central London for a hair model casting. Looks like I might get it - it's unpaid, but the images from the final shoot will be printed in a few high-end fashion magazines, which is exciting. I felt far too fat to even be considered by them, which is why I'm going to work extra hard over the next few weeks to get my weight down to a reasonable number. February will be a month of getting skinny. It's a promise I'm making to myself.
I'm going to the gym in a bit - probably going to use the rowing machine this time to tone up my flabby arms. I've become addicted to the exercise bike. You can watch the music channel on a screen whilst you work out your legs, and it's the best thinspo.
So far on today's food list:
- Raspberry soy yogurt
- 9 bar
- Innocent smoothie
- 3 rice cakes with spread
- Soy cappuccino
- Diet coke
All I'm planning to have for the rest of the day is a banana, and maybe an americano if I can scrabble together the change. Being poor is so much fun.
___________________________________
EDIT:
The rest of today went well. I went to the gym for a short one, did 20 mins on the rowing machine and 10 mins on the bike and burnt 240 calories in total. Met Caro for an evening coffee which was nice, ended up consuming one large orange, a bag of crisps, and an americano with a dash of soy milk and sweetener. Shame about the crisps, but it's not as bad as it could have been (plus I went to the gym before, so I feel less guilty about eating). It's 8.30 now and I'm thinking of getting another early night. Going to chill out, read some magazines, and cuddle my cats in bed - perfect evening :)
Tuesday, 29 January 2013
Guilty.
Today was horrible. I had a really upsetting meeting with the art department that has made me a nervous wreck since this morning. Basically, I'm quitting the art A level. For good this time. We've all come to the conclusion that I'm not enjoying it or making the most of it, and it probably won't get any easier for me to do that over the next four months, so I'm calling it quits.
My mother obviously wasn't the happiest with this decision, but she's agreed to employ me part-time to help her out with some admin/writing work and running errands, at a wage of £7 per hour. This is definitely not a bad deal, so I'm taking it until I find a proper job. She also made me promise I'd get up and go to the gym every morning, to get myself 'into a routine'. I guess that can't hurt.
Something horrid also happened on my way home. When I came out of school, I felt like bingeing so badly. I went to check how much money I had on my card. It said that I had £25 in my account, but I couldn't withdraw any cash. Now I don't get any more money in my bank account until Friday, and obviously as a smoker, running out of cigarettes, the idea of that terrified me. I decided to test my card at Starbucks, and ordered a cappuccino, wondering if my card would decide to go through even though I couldn't withdraw anything. It did. So I sat at the back of the shopping centre, chain smoking and drinking my coffee, thinking 'Well, if my card works, I can still go to Tesco.'
Went to Tesco. Picked up a load of crisps and hoummous and other stuff I could binge on, but at the end I decided that I wouldn't waste money on binge food, and instead replaced the items in my basket with wholegrain rice cakes, Fairtrade bananas, dairy-free "cheese" spread, soya raspberry yogurts, and two trashy magazines that I knew would make me feel vaguely better, both including diet plans (inevitably ones I'd heard of or tried before, but it was that comfort of the idea of reading something familiar-sounding and reassuring). I proceeded to the checkout area, full of self-service machines, and started to bag all of my stuff, deep-down knowing my card wouldn't work. I put my card in. It was declined. I tried it again, and after the "seek alternative payment" screen came up, it returned to its initial "start" routine, implying my payment had gone through. I lifted up the bag full of stuff and nothing happened. I walked out of the shop, like nothing had happened. No need to act suspicious or guilty if it was an honest mistake of me thinking my card had gone through but not stopping to check or pick up a receipt, right?
I got on the tube home, heart drumming against my temples and wrists, the evidence in my school bag, feeling dirty and evil and wrong, as if I'd just murdered somebody. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd essentially just shoplifted. I had been too upset to go back into the shop and "own up" about the machine not taking my payment, and I started to convince myself that if the alarm hadn't gone off, maybe my card had gone through after all.
I'm a dirty, sick liar and I feel like I can't even eat any of the food I bought or read the magazines because they're tainted. What makes me feel even worse is that later tonight, my mum said I could take some change (ie. coins) from her purse to buy cigarettes to tide me over for the next few days. I took a £5 note, as well as four pound-coins. I just stole, twice, in one day. She hasn't noticed any extra money has gone from her purse.
Who the fuck am I? I feel like going to church and confessing. I feel like picking up litter from all the parks in London and helping old ladies onto buses for the next 6 months just to make up from the bad karma I will have inflicted upon myself today.
Oh, and I binged, just to add insult to injury. There were crisps and saltine crackers at home, which I ate with hoummous and that cheese-spread stuff. Dirty, disgusting, fat, pathetic liar.
Plan for the next 11 days is to survive on fruit, veg, soy yogurt, rice cakes, diet coke and cigarettes. Maybe starving will make this all go away.
My mother obviously wasn't the happiest with this decision, but she's agreed to employ me part-time to help her out with some admin/writing work and running errands, at a wage of £7 per hour. This is definitely not a bad deal, so I'm taking it until I find a proper job. She also made me promise I'd get up and go to the gym every morning, to get myself 'into a routine'. I guess that can't hurt.
Something horrid also happened on my way home. When I came out of school, I felt like bingeing so badly. I went to check how much money I had on my card. It said that I had £25 in my account, but I couldn't withdraw any cash. Now I don't get any more money in my bank account until Friday, and obviously as a smoker, running out of cigarettes, the idea of that terrified me. I decided to test my card at Starbucks, and ordered a cappuccino, wondering if my card would decide to go through even though I couldn't withdraw anything. It did. So I sat at the back of the shopping centre, chain smoking and drinking my coffee, thinking 'Well, if my card works, I can still go to Tesco.'
Went to Tesco. Picked up a load of crisps and hoummous and other stuff I could binge on, but at the end I decided that I wouldn't waste money on binge food, and instead replaced the items in my basket with wholegrain rice cakes, Fairtrade bananas, dairy-free "cheese" spread, soya raspberry yogurts, and two trashy magazines that I knew would make me feel vaguely better, both including diet plans (inevitably ones I'd heard of or tried before, but it was that comfort of the idea of reading something familiar-sounding and reassuring). I proceeded to the checkout area, full of self-service machines, and started to bag all of my stuff, deep-down knowing my card wouldn't work. I put my card in. It was declined. I tried it again, and after the "seek alternative payment" screen came up, it returned to its initial "start" routine, implying my payment had gone through. I lifted up the bag full of stuff and nothing happened. I walked out of the shop, like nothing had happened. No need to act suspicious or guilty if it was an honest mistake of me thinking my card had gone through but not stopping to check or pick up a receipt, right?
I got on the tube home, heart drumming against my temples and wrists, the evidence in my school bag, feeling dirty and evil and wrong, as if I'd just murdered somebody. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd essentially just shoplifted. I had been too upset to go back into the shop and "own up" about the machine not taking my payment, and I started to convince myself that if the alarm hadn't gone off, maybe my card had gone through after all.
I'm a dirty, sick liar and I feel like I can't even eat any of the food I bought or read the magazines because they're tainted. What makes me feel even worse is that later tonight, my mum said I could take some change (ie. coins) from her purse to buy cigarettes to tide me over for the next few days. I took a £5 note, as well as four pound-coins. I just stole, twice, in one day. She hasn't noticed any extra money has gone from her purse.
Who the fuck am I? I feel like going to church and confessing. I feel like picking up litter from all the parks in London and helping old ladies onto buses for the next 6 months just to make up from the bad karma I will have inflicted upon myself today.
Oh, and I binged, just to add insult to injury. There were crisps and saltine crackers at home, which I ate with hoummous and that cheese-spread stuff. Dirty, disgusting, fat, pathetic liar.
Plan for the next 11 days is to survive on fruit, veg, soy yogurt, rice cakes, diet coke and cigarettes. Maybe starving will make this all go away.
Monday, 28 January 2013
I am a big fat failure.
I stuck to my promise today of eating more fruit and veg. The weather was so shit, and it put me in a bad mood right from the start. I even tried to weasel my way out of going to school, but that didn't work, as my mum seemed determined to make my life a living hell if I decided to stay in my bedroom. So I packed up my shit and got into school for late morning. It wasn't actually too bad. My teacher saw that I was there getting on with my work, and strangely didn't bother bitching at me about anything. She just said I needed to get in for 11.15 tomorrow so that she could go through some things with me.
Needless to say I couldn't wait to get out of there soon enough. I practically ran out of school the minute the bell rang for the second-to-last period, got on a tube home, then wandered round the shopping centre by myself for 45 minutes so that my mother wouldn't get suspicious if I came home early. Turns out she wasn't even in when I got back, and there was a huge bag of crisps waiting for me in the kitchen. I am so ashamed of what I did next.
Two pita breads in the toaster; 2 tbsp peanut butter on both of them. 1/2 the bag of crisps, 1 red onion & chive bagel, and a cup of cashews & raisins. I took this all up to my room and proceeded to chew/spit all of it into a big plastic bag which I then tied up and hid in the trash outside our house. I feel completely revolted that I did it but it was better than actually bingeing and keeping the food down.
It gets worse. I was getting ready to go to the gym at 6.30 when suddenly I heard thunder outside. There is no fucking way I'm going out in a thunder storm and getting drenched even if it is in the name of getting skinny - so I ended up getting into my PJs instead, watching the Vampire Diaries, and eating Greek salad.
Breakfast
- 9Bar
- Innocent peaches & passion fruit smoothie
Lunch
- Medium soy cappuccino
- Ryvita minis
- Grapes
Dinner
- Greek salad (lettuce, coriander, tomatoes, black olives, lemon and olive oil dressing)
- Diet coke
I'm still 146. I don't get why I'm losing weight so slowly especially since I've been exercising every day. Maybe it's the prozac? Who knows. Either way I hope it hurries up soon, because I'm impatient to start seeing new numbers. I can't exist in this fatsuit any longer.
____________________________________
EDIT:
Okay well it turns out that not being able to go to the gym is a big fat trigger for me to start binge eating. My mum and sister got in at 8.30 this evening and I shouldn't have even sat down with them to begin with. Because it meant me chowing my way through a bowl of granola with soy milk, another smoothie, some walnuts, more salad, a packet of wholegrain crisps, and 2 slices of bread with peanut butter.
Why do I do this to myself? Do I really think it's going to benefit me in some way?
I'd like to excuse it by saying that everything I ate was healthy-ish, and I've had low energy all day and was really craving protein. But the fact is that no, I cannot excuse it. My day would have been just fine if I had stopped at dinner.
I also found out I'm going to be doing a shoot on the 9th of February for a friend's photography portfolio. It'll be shot in black and white, probably in central London, and while I know it's not a big deal, I want to look chic and graceful and cheekbone-y in the photographs, not the flabby 146 - or 148, more likely after tonight's binge - I am currently.
So that's 12 days to shift some weight. Tomorrow I'll be sticking to fruit, veg, coffee, diet coke and cigarettes. No carbs under any circumstances, except maybe some rice cakes or a granola bar if I get starving. That's it. No excuses this time.
Needless to say I couldn't wait to get out of there soon enough. I practically ran out of school the minute the bell rang for the second-to-last period, got on a tube home, then wandered round the shopping centre by myself for 45 minutes so that my mother wouldn't get suspicious if I came home early. Turns out she wasn't even in when I got back, and there was a huge bag of crisps waiting for me in the kitchen. I am so ashamed of what I did next.
Two pita breads in the toaster; 2 tbsp peanut butter on both of them. 1/2 the bag of crisps, 1 red onion & chive bagel, and a cup of cashews & raisins. I took this all up to my room and proceeded to chew/spit all of it into a big plastic bag which I then tied up and hid in the trash outside our house. I feel completely revolted that I did it but it was better than actually bingeing and keeping the food down.
It gets worse. I was getting ready to go to the gym at 6.30 when suddenly I heard thunder outside. There is no fucking way I'm going out in a thunder storm and getting drenched even if it is in the name of getting skinny - so I ended up getting into my PJs instead, watching the Vampire Diaries, and eating Greek salad.
Breakfast
- 9Bar
- Innocent peaches & passion fruit smoothie
Lunch
- Medium soy cappuccino
- Ryvita minis
- Grapes
Dinner
- Greek salad (lettuce, coriander, tomatoes, black olives, lemon and olive oil dressing)
- Diet coke
I'm still 146. I don't get why I'm losing weight so slowly especially since I've been exercising every day. Maybe it's the prozac? Who knows. Either way I hope it hurries up soon, because I'm impatient to start seeing new numbers. I can't exist in this fatsuit any longer.
____________________________________
EDIT:
Okay well it turns out that not being able to go to the gym is a big fat trigger for me to start binge eating. My mum and sister got in at 8.30 this evening and I shouldn't have even sat down with them to begin with. Because it meant me chowing my way through a bowl of granola with soy milk, another smoothie, some walnuts, more salad, a packet of wholegrain crisps, and 2 slices of bread with peanut butter.
Why do I do this to myself? Do I really think it's going to benefit me in some way?
I'd like to excuse it by saying that everything I ate was healthy-ish, and I've had low energy all day and was really craving protein. But the fact is that no, I cannot excuse it. My day would have been just fine if I had stopped at dinner.
I also found out I'm going to be doing a shoot on the 9th of February for a friend's photography portfolio. It'll be shot in black and white, probably in central London, and while I know it's not a big deal, I want to look chic and graceful and cheekbone-y in the photographs, not the flabby 146 - or 148, more likely after tonight's binge - I am currently.
So that's 12 days to shift some weight. Tomorrow I'll be sticking to fruit, veg, coffee, diet coke and cigarettes. No carbs under any circumstances, except maybe some rice cakes or a granola bar if I get starving. That's it. No excuses this time.
Sunday, 27 January 2013
Day 4
Breakfast:
- 9Bar (vegan-friendly nut & seed bar)
Lunch:
- Starbucks medium soy cappuccino
- Cashews and fire raisins
Early dinner:
- Americano with soya milk
- 4 pumpkin croquettes (I got treated to sushi with Caro!)
- Diet coke
Exercise:
- 45 mins on the bike - burnt 265 cals
Extras:
- 1 1/2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
I feel bad because I didn't eat any fresh fruit or veg today... terrible. At least I got to the gym though. I was 146.8 lbs this morning. So slowly, my weight is dropping. If I can just get back to the 130s by February, I'll be happy. I cannot be fat when I go to LA at the end of march. No way. In fact I refuse to be a pound over 135.
I've realised I've been smoking way too much lately. I need to cut back, partly because I can't afford it, but mostly because Alfie (future doctor) keeps telling me horror stories about what it's probably already started doing to me, and it's freaking me out. So I'm going to try to aim for a pack a week, instead of a pack every 2 days (which is pretty awful, even for me).
School tomorrow. My plan is to go in mid-morning, work my arse off all day so that I don't notice feeling hungry, then have a big ass Greek salad in the evening. Sounds good to me.
- 9Bar (vegan-friendly nut & seed bar)
Lunch:
- Starbucks medium soy cappuccino
- Cashews and fire raisins
Early dinner:
- Americano with soya milk
- 4 pumpkin croquettes (I got treated to sushi with Caro!)
- Diet coke
Exercise:
- 45 mins on the bike - burnt 265 cals
Extras:
- 1 1/2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
I feel bad because I didn't eat any fresh fruit or veg today... terrible. At least I got to the gym though. I was 146.8 lbs this morning. So slowly, my weight is dropping. If I can just get back to the 130s by February, I'll be happy. I cannot be fat when I go to LA at the end of march. No way. In fact I refuse to be a pound over 135.
I've realised I've been smoking way too much lately. I need to cut back, partly because I can't afford it, but mostly because Alfie (future doctor) keeps telling me horror stories about what it's probably already started doing to me, and it's freaking me out. So I'm going to try to aim for a pack a week, instead of a pack every 2 days (which is pretty awful, even for me).
School tomorrow. My plan is to go in mid-morning, work my arse off all day so that I don't notice feeling hungry, then have a big ass Greek salad in the evening. Sounds good to me.
Saturday, 26 January 2013
Day 3
Down to 147.4 lbs. Still not excellent but better than 150 I guess. Here's what I ate today,
Breakfast:
- Innocent orange and mango smoothie
- 1 saltine cracker with 1 tbsp peanut butter
Lunch:
- 2 red onion & chive bagels (I can't believe I ate TWO, but I was lunching with Tina and lost track)
- 3/4 dish of lemon, olive oil and chickpea Greek hoummous
- Medium soy cappuccino from Starbucks
Snack:
- Pita bread with marmite (again, I didn't need that, but I ate it anyway...)
- 1/2 avocado with walnuts and vegan dressing
- Black coffee
Dinner:
- 'Sweet Charity' fruit smoothie (strawberry, banana, rhubarb and vanilla)
- Diet coke
Exercise:
- 20 mins crunches, conditioning and yoga stretches
Extras:
- Only 1 glass of water :/
- Cigarettes
- Gum
Breakfast:
- Innocent orange and mango smoothie
- 1 saltine cracker with 1 tbsp peanut butter
Lunch:
- 2 red onion & chive bagels (I can't believe I ate TWO, but I was lunching with Tina and lost track)
- 3/4 dish of lemon, olive oil and chickpea Greek hoummous
- Medium soy cappuccino from Starbucks
Snack:
- Pita bread with marmite (again, I didn't need that, but I ate it anyway...)
- 1/2 avocado with walnuts and vegan dressing
- Black coffee
Dinner:
- 'Sweet Charity' fruit smoothie (strawberry, banana, rhubarb and vanilla)
- Diet coke
Exercise:
- 20 mins crunches, conditioning and yoga stretches
Extras:
- Only 1 glass of water :/
- Cigarettes
- Gum
It struck me today how much work I still have to do. My friend took some pictures of me in the park, and while I was satisfied a few of them, it still took a lot of editing to make me anywhere near happy with the image I saw of myself. My face looked chubby and my thighs, hips and arms made me cringe. I know that technically, at 147 lbs, 5'9" I can not be considered 'fat'. It's all 'in my head' - but that's the problem. I feel so overweight every time I see a full length picture of myself, and that makes me sad. I don't know if it's my own distortions, or reality anymore. Either way, I'm not happy with my body like this. I want to get back in the 130s soon, and then lower.
My energy levels haven't been fantastic. That's making me miserable. I only just got my energy back, and now it's starting to drop again. I felt so weak this evening that I couldn't bring myself to even think about going to the gym. The walk there alone would have been enough to tire me out. So I'll go tomorrow afternoon, or just wait until Monday, by which time hopefully some of my energy will have returned.
Ate way too many carbs today. Partly because of the low energy. I should probably think about cutting down, but it's hard being a vegan and limiting complex carbs, but maybe lowering them and filling up on fruit and veg instead wouldn't be a bad idea.
Friday, 25 January 2013
Day 2
Breakfast:
- Innocent strawberry and blackberry smoothie
- Gluten-free toasted buckwheat granola
- Soya milk
Lunch:
- Small vegetarian sushi bento box (only ate about half of it)
- 2 coffees (1 cappuccino, 1 americano, both with soy)
Snack:
- Hoummous with pita bread
- Diet coke
Dinner:
- Popcorn (low cal, seasoned with sea salt)
- ZICO coconut water (after the gym)
- 3 raw walnuts
Exercise:
- 40 mins bike - burnt 250 cals
- 10 mins stretches
Extras:
- 2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
- Gum
So today went really well :) My mum bought me some really yummy vegan cereal that I can have for breakfasts, and it's gluten free! The only thing is that it's quite high-cal, which makes me nervous, but it's healthy, so I'd rather eat that and feel full until lunch than binge later.
I've just found out my dad is flying me and my sister out to LA in March to join him in the house he's currently renting. I am so freaking excited. But you know what this means - Californian weather, aka skinny girls walking around in tiny t-shirts and short shorts, not an imperfection in sight. So I'm going to continue with this healthy 'diet plan' I've started until I go there, which will be about 8 weeks from now. I'm not setting any weight goals yet, I'll just see how it goes I guess, and keep up the daily work-outs which really seem to be helping. Going to the gym is definitely having a good impact on my body, already. All my muscles feel tighter, like I'm firming up. This is certainly a good thing. Next on the programme will be cutting out snacking, but baby steps I suppose.
I've got to work like a mofo at my art this weekend. It's going to be boring as hell, but luckily I have Tina coming over at 12 tomorrow to whisk me away for lunch, so it's not all bad!
Sleep time now, absolutely knackered, and cold. Can't wait until this dreadful weather is finally over.
- Innocent strawberry and blackberry smoothie
- Gluten-free toasted buckwheat granola
- Soya milk
Lunch:
- Small vegetarian sushi bento box (only ate about half of it)
- 2 coffees (1 cappuccino, 1 americano, both with soy)
Snack:
- Hoummous with pita bread
- Diet coke
Dinner:
- Popcorn (low cal, seasoned with sea salt)
- ZICO coconut water (after the gym)
- 3 raw walnuts
Exercise:
- 40 mins bike - burnt 250 cals
- 10 mins stretches
Extras:
- 2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
- Gum
So today went really well :) My mum bought me some really yummy vegan cereal that I can have for breakfasts, and it's gluten free! The only thing is that it's quite high-cal, which makes me nervous, but it's healthy, so I'd rather eat that and feel full until lunch than binge later.
I've just found out my dad is flying me and my sister out to LA in March to join him in the house he's currently renting. I am so freaking excited. But you know what this means - Californian weather, aka skinny girls walking around in tiny t-shirts and short shorts, not an imperfection in sight. So I'm going to continue with this healthy 'diet plan' I've started until I go there, which will be about 8 weeks from now. I'm not setting any weight goals yet, I'll just see how it goes I guess, and keep up the daily work-outs which really seem to be helping. Going to the gym is definitely having a good impact on my body, already. All my muscles feel tighter, like I'm firming up. This is certainly a good thing. Next on the programme will be cutting out snacking, but baby steps I suppose.
I've got to work like a mofo at my art this weekend. It's going to be boring as hell, but luckily I have Tina coming over at 12 tomorrow to whisk me away for lunch, so it's not all bad!
Sleep time now, absolutely knackered, and cold. Can't wait until this dreadful weather is finally over.
Thursday, 24 January 2013
Day 1
Hey lovelies. I decided to do a boring bog standard food diary for today's entry, because talking about my feelings is really getting boring. Today was much better, I didn't binge, I went to the gym, I didn't cry once... all good!
Breakfast:
- Innocent orange and mango smoothie
Lunch:
- Omega 3 seeds, roasted salted nuts, thai vegan crackers, dried fruit and raisins
- Americano with soya milk
Snack:
- Banana
- Diet coke
Dinner:
- Edamame and green bean salad
- Innocent strawberry and blackberry smoothie
Exercise:
- 30 mins elliptical - burnt 240 cals
Extras:
- 2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
Not a bad day at all :) Tomorrow will be easy as I'm rushing around all day going into school, meeting my friend in central London, then hopefully squeezing in another gym session in the evening.
Hope everyone is well. <3
Breakfast:
- Innocent orange and mango smoothie
Lunch:
- Omega 3 seeds, roasted salted nuts, thai vegan crackers, dried fruit and raisins
- Americano with soya milk
Snack:
- Banana
- Diet coke
Dinner:
- Edamame and green bean salad
- Innocent strawberry and blackberry smoothie
Exercise:
- 30 mins elliptical - burnt 240 cals
Extras:
- 2 bottles of water
- Cigarettes
Not a bad day at all :) Tomorrow will be easy as I'm rushing around all day going into school, meeting my friend in central London, then hopefully squeezing in another gym session in the evening.
Hope everyone is well. <3
Wednesday, 23 January 2013
Old ways
I have dreaded coming back to post on this blog, to be honest. Ten days have gone by and I'm nothing but a big fat failure. I thought I'd have lost some weight by now, but no, my life is a joke, my body's a joke, my work is a joke, and no one in this world except for you, readers, seems to understand.
Over the last few days I went up to 152 and this morning have dropped back down to 150. Disgust doesn't even cover what I'm feeling towards myself right now. I feel like it was all a trick, one that crept up on me when I wasn't looking. Suddenly one day I look in the mirror, and I see that my face is big and wide. My hips and thighs are huge, my arse is another story altogether.
I've had enough of being in this body. I really have. I thought I would drop weight naturally after going vegan, but it's been almost a month, and I've been maintaining the same numbers ever since Christmas. This doesn't make me want to stop being vegan, because thankfully it's not just a charade to restrict; at this point I actually have a lot more ethical reasons than personal reasons for my decision to cut out animal products from my diet. But it doesn't help when my mum questions me every time I go into the kitchen, inquiring, 'Have you lost any weight since you went vegan?' and I have to reply in shame that I am the identical weight I was a month ago.
Hopefully I can ride out the urge to start restricting again and just channel it into being healthy and going to the gym. I also have a lot of work to be getting on with, and maybe that will distract me a bit from thinking about it. I always need fuel when I'm doing my art, I find it very hard to run on empty. Who knows whether that will stop me, but it's something to cling onto.
Over the last few days I went up to 152 and this morning have dropped back down to 150. Disgust doesn't even cover what I'm feeling towards myself right now. I feel like it was all a trick, one that crept up on me when I wasn't looking. Suddenly one day I look in the mirror, and I see that my face is big and wide. My hips and thighs are huge, my arse is another story altogether.
I've had enough of being in this body. I really have. I thought I would drop weight naturally after going vegan, but it's been almost a month, and I've been maintaining the same numbers ever since Christmas. This doesn't make me want to stop being vegan, because thankfully it's not just a charade to restrict; at this point I actually have a lot more ethical reasons than personal reasons for my decision to cut out animal products from my diet. But it doesn't help when my mum questions me every time I go into the kitchen, inquiring, 'Have you lost any weight since you went vegan?' and I have to reply in shame that I am the identical weight I was a month ago.
Hopefully I can ride out the urge to start restricting again and just channel it into being healthy and going to the gym. I also have a lot of work to be getting on with, and maybe that will distract me a bit from thinking about it. I always need fuel when I'm doing my art, I find it very hard to run on empty. Who knows whether that will stop me, but it's something to cling onto.
Sunday, 13 January 2013
Super smoothies :)
I think Prozac is making me weird. Manic, or something like that. I get weird at night too. Hysterical or just dreary and sad. I cry myself to sleep. Last night Tina had to stay with me until I stopped and was ready for bed. Not good. But I think I'm getting better. Slowly.
My mind has shifted about all week regarding the art and whether or not I'm going to take it. But I think I've made my final decision that I will, purely because I want to stick to my guns on this one, and I know I'll feel guilty if I let myself down. I set out to do this for myself and no one else, so I need to grow a pair and just stick it out for 4 puny more months until I'm free for a 4 month long summer. Then I can go interrailing with my friends around Europe cheaply, maybe get some work abroad, go to Rome or Paris, do all the things I've wanted to do for the past year but haven't been well enough to handle. This time will come, and that time will be right, and sunny, and warm, and lovely. But right now it's frosty outside, and I need to regain my mental health, my physical strength, my inner calm. I can't do that if I'm changing my mind all over the place and having near-to-nervous-breakdowns and shitting myself over the prospect of what might happen if I quit school before I've given this term a chance.
Something that's cheered me up today is that my skin is finally clearing up. It's smoother and I don't have to wear as much make-up, which is brilliant (it's my secret ambition to be that lucky bitch at university who still looks beautiful au naturel). I'm also down to 147 lbs, thank the Lord. It might have something to do with the fact that I don't eat crisps or sweets anymore; I've eliminated gluten, caffeine and artificial sweeteners almost entirely; I make fresh protein smoothies from scratch nearly every day with tons of green veggies and superfood wonders such as chia seeds, and I go jogging for 20 minutes every morning now. (I'm also in the process of getting my gym membership sorted, which is très exciting. Swimming every afternoon? Yes please).
My mind has shifted about all week regarding the art and whether or not I'm going to take it. But I think I've made my final decision that I will, purely because I want to stick to my guns on this one, and I know I'll feel guilty if I let myself down. I set out to do this for myself and no one else, so I need to grow a pair and just stick it out for 4 puny more months until I'm free for a 4 month long summer. Then I can go interrailing with my friends around Europe cheaply, maybe get some work abroad, go to Rome or Paris, do all the things I've wanted to do for the past year but haven't been well enough to handle. This time will come, and that time will be right, and sunny, and warm, and lovely. But right now it's frosty outside, and I need to regain my mental health, my physical strength, my inner calm. I can't do that if I'm changing my mind all over the place and having near-to-nervous-breakdowns and shitting myself over the prospect of what might happen if I quit school before I've given this term a chance.
Something that's cheered me up today is that my skin is finally clearing up. It's smoother and I don't have to wear as much make-up, which is brilliant (it's my secret ambition to be that lucky bitch at university who still looks beautiful au naturel). I'm also down to 147 lbs, thank the Lord. It might have something to do with the fact that I don't eat crisps or sweets anymore; I've eliminated gluten, caffeine and artificial sweeteners almost entirely; I make fresh protein smoothies from scratch nearly every day with tons of green veggies and superfood wonders such as chia seeds, and I go jogging for 20 minutes every morning now. (I'm also in the process of getting my gym membership sorted, which is très exciting. Swimming every afternoon? Yes please).
Wednesday, 9 January 2013
Stepping out of the Bubble
I had a major breakdown last night. I knew in my head that things just aren't how they're supposed to be at the moment. Not right, somehow. This year was supposed to be full of learning curves, explorations, creative revival, and inspiration. Instead, it is turning out to be depressing, creatively dampening, mind-narrowing and soul-sapping. I have ten months ahead of me that should really be full of exhilarating new prospects - things I look forward to, not things I am dreading. I need to fill the next few months with great opportunities and new adventures, not a boring A-level that I can take at any time in the future if not having it holds me back. By the time I go to university, I want to be full of stories to tell of the places I've been to that have enriched my life and given me plenty of ideas to use in my work.
I might consider going abroad for a month to Italy, and there's a writing course in the countryside towards the end of the month that I am hoping to be accepted onto, with a financial grant to help me out. There are a lot of things I want to do that go beyond the daily circuit I have going on here, and I feel these things shouldn't be out of my grasp. The world should be my oyster and I should be revelling in it, not shying away from it.
But it has to start with my health, both mental and physical. I have bronchitis (no doubt it's due to all the stress-smoking I've been doing recently) and my skin has become a nebula of spots that don't heal and don't seem to want to go away any time soon. Mentally I'm feeling ready to collapse at any second, or give up on trying to move forward altogether. I explained all of my concerns to the GP this morning at the surgery, and she's given me a course of Lymecycline to clear up the bout of acne, and put me on a new antidepressant, Fluoxetine (aka Prozac). We both agreed the Citalopram isn't working for me, and I need all the help I can get at the moment, so Prozac it is. I've been given a month's course, and I'll check in with her at the end of that month to let her know how it's going.
I might consider going abroad for a month to Italy, and there's a writing course in the countryside towards the end of the month that I am hoping to be accepted onto, with a financial grant to help me out. There are a lot of things I want to do that go beyond the daily circuit I have going on here, and I feel these things shouldn't be out of my grasp. The world should be my oyster and I should be revelling in it, not shying away from it.
But it has to start with my health, both mental and physical. I have bronchitis (no doubt it's due to all the stress-smoking I've been doing recently) and my skin has become a nebula of spots that don't heal and don't seem to want to go away any time soon. Mentally I'm feeling ready to collapse at any second, or give up on trying to move forward altogether. I explained all of my concerns to the GP this morning at the surgery, and she's given me a course of Lymecycline to clear up the bout of acne, and put me on a new antidepressant, Fluoxetine (aka Prozac). We both agreed the Citalopram isn't working for me, and I need all the help I can get at the moment, so Prozac it is. I've been given a month's course, and I'll check in with her at the end of that month to let her know how it's going.
Sunday, 6 January 2013
Resolutions
I want 2013 to be a different year for my life, and also the way I document it in this blog. I had a lot of thinking time, a lot of time to reassess and consider over the winter break. I have realised that there are a lot of things, both small things and big things, that I want - need - to change about myself. I am going to try to be a good person in 2013. The best person I can be. Mature, sensible, considerate, generous, and responsible. The next ten months are going to be tough, I know they are, due to family reasons I'd rather not go into at the moment that concern my father's whereabouts, and both my sister's and my mother's mental health. So this year it's going to be all about being happy, healthy, finding some kind of sense of inner peace in this messy, out-of-control thing that is currently my life. It's not going to be easy to stay positive all the time, but I'll do anything I can to keep myself afloat.
Let's start with the things I don't want to happen this year, and I feel like I have control over a good solid few of them:
1. A bad eating disorder/depression relapse
2. A physical illness relapse
3. Reaching October without having saved any money for uni
4. Flunking university when I do finally arrive
5. Gaining any more weight than I already have
6. Members of my family becoming more unhappy than they already are
7. Quitting the A level I am now determined to finish
8. Receiving a terrible grade in said A Level
9. Losing any more friends
Here are a few of the things I would like to happen this year.
1. Write more, walk more, create more, absorb more, learn more.
2. 'Doing', and not just thinking
3. A part time job
4. Seeing my little half sister more than I do now
5. My sister getting better
6. Giving up smoking at some point - or at least cutting down
7. Becoming more independent
8. Learning how to let go of negativity and negative people more easily
9. Surrounding myself with creativity, nourishment, and good company, rather than lies, drama and poisonous people
10. Reaching 130 lbs by the time I leave home at the end of the summer
I am trying to make positive changes already, which makes me proud. I made the decision to go vegan in the new year, and after a week of eating no animal products, I'm without a doubt sure that this will be something excellent for my health, and state of mind. I read a ton of books and saw lots of documentaries over Christmas regarding animal rights, environmental issues, and the benefits of going vegan beyond how it affects your own personal wellbeing. I actually got so into it I was considering making a separate blog alongside this one, but while that's an exciting concept, I already have enough on my plate as it is, and I don't want to go all vegan over-kill on any of you.
I'm joining a gym this month and picking it up as soon as I can. Exercise isn't something that comes particularly naturally to me and I don't enjoy doing it, but it's for that reason I know I must begin factoring it into my life. The pros (metabolism boosting, good for the bones and heart, excellent for your skin, aids weight loss, builds muscle tone, releases endorphins and makes you feel generally better and more energised, and of course discipline) outweigh the cons (mild discomfort for an hour 3-5 times a week, and me being lazy - which I am trying to stop doing). I'm also getting into yoga properly (I bought a great book from Barnes & Noble in NYC, I'll give you the title and author at some point. It has illustrations and I appreciate that because I can't deal with reading pages upon pages of rambling waffly rubbish about spiritual enlightenment.) So positive changes are happening. Next it will be getting this work done, and earning some money, but one step at a time.
This isn't a very interesting post, but I hope it outlines how I plan to move forward this year. I really do want things to be different from last year, because last year was dreadful in so many ways - getting sick, being in hospital, losing two of my closest friends, having to take time out in a gap year to recover and complete my art, my dad moving abroad, and everything in between. But I have faith that this year will be different. It might not be worse or better but I want it to be a distinguished year in which I thrive and get things done, rather than laying around feeling sorry for myself and pitying the bad circumstances in which I so frequently find myself.
I truly hope all my readers are well, and not suffering the winter too much, nor the post-xmas-hype come-down. Here's to 2013. May it be a year rich with promise, patience, pertinacity and poise, full of luck, love, and luminosity.
Let's start with the things I don't want to happen this year, and I feel like I have control over a good solid few of them:
1. A bad eating disorder/depression relapse
2. A physical illness relapse
3. Reaching October without having saved any money for uni
4. Flunking university when I do finally arrive
5. Gaining any more weight than I already have
6. Members of my family becoming more unhappy than they already are
7. Quitting the A level I am now determined to finish
8. Receiving a terrible grade in said A Level
9. Losing any more friends
Here are a few of the things I would like to happen this year.
1. Write more, walk more, create more, absorb more, learn more.
2. 'Doing', and not just thinking
3. A part time job
4. Seeing my little half sister more than I do now
5. My sister getting better
6. Giving up smoking at some point - or at least cutting down
7. Becoming more independent
8. Learning how to let go of negativity and negative people more easily
9. Surrounding myself with creativity, nourishment, and good company, rather than lies, drama and poisonous people
10. Reaching 130 lbs by the time I leave home at the end of the summer
I am trying to make positive changes already, which makes me proud. I made the decision to go vegan in the new year, and after a week of eating no animal products, I'm without a doubt sure that this will be something excellent for my health, and state of mind. I read a ton of books and saw lots of documentaries over Christmas regarding animal rights, environmental issues, and the benefits of going vegan beyond how it affects your own personal wellbeing. I actually got so into it I was considering making a separate blog alongside this one, but while that's an exciting concept, I already have enough on my plate as it is, and I don't want to go all vegan over-kill on any of you.
I'm joining a gym this month and picking it up as soon as I can. Exercise isn't something that comes particularly naturally to me and I don't enjoy doing it, but it's for that reason I know I must begin factoring it into my life. The pros (metabolism boosting, good for the bones and heart, excellent for your skin, aids weight loss, builds muscle tone, releases endorphins and makes you feel generally better and more energised, and of course discipline) outweigh the cons (mild discomfort for an hour 3-5 times a week, and me being lazy - which I am trying to stop doing). I'm also getting into yoga properly (I bought a great book from Barnes & Noble in NYC, I'll give you the title and author at some point. It has illustrations and I appreciate that because I can't deal with reading pages upon pages of rambling waffly rubbish about spiritual enlightenment.) So positive changes are happening. Next it will be getting this work done, and earning some money, but one step at a time.
This isn't a very interesting post, but I hope it outlines how I plan to move forward this year. I really do want things to be different from last year, because last year was dreadful in so many ways - getting sick, being in hospital, losing two of my closest friends, having to take time out in a gap year to recover and complete my art, my dad moving abroad, and everything in between. But I have faith that this year will be different. It might not be worse or better but I want it to be a distinguished year in which I thrive and get things done, rather than laying around feeling sorry for myself and pitying the bad circumstances in which I so frequently find myself.
I truly hope all my readers are well, and not suffering the winter too much, nor the post-xmas-hype come-down. Here's to 2013. May it be a year rich with promise, patience, pertinacity and poise, full of luck, love, and luminosity.
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