Day 7

 Niko stayed again, with Caro still being in Chicago, and we made love all night. It was fucking amazing and I was so tired this morning but it was worth it. No idea where it will go or if it will go anywhere. But I'm placing zero expectations on this. I have no plans. No expectations. No pressure. This is the only way with him as I learnt the hard way at 25.

The veganism is still going strong. I'm feeling better after a week of amazing sleep, maintaining my weight of 87.8 give or take, not bingeing at midnight, walking at least 13,000 steps a day and not taking Amfexa. Withdrawal is levelling out. I'm now taking 2.5 mg of Lexapro every other day, which is probably going a bit too fast, but the side effects aren't as harsh when I do all the right things (take my B complex vitamin, sleep 8 hours plus, eat right, walk). I'm in such a battle over the ADD meds. When I don't have them, I crave them, I feel angry. When I get them, I can't take them responsibly, and even when I do, they like, eliminate my humour and personality - and make the physical symptoms of my chronic illness and migraine SO much worse. It's really tough. I'm still holding out to get the funds for my consult, which will run me about £250 not including meds, because he's a private psychiatrist. Plus, I need to get back to therapy, especially now I've started training myself. 

Curling up in bed with a cosy thriller on audible (I'm obsessed with Freida McFadden lately and have almost run out of books written by her to listen to). It's absolute trash, but I love it. 

Day 2

I woke up today sore and spotty but happier. I guess good sex with someone you used to love will do that to you. Maybe my body is just purging everything. 87.7 today. I didn't get out of bed til 2.30 and it was to hoover up the salt from yesterday's wine spill. Yikes.

Intake today so far:

- Dates (200)
- Nuts (180)
- 4 slices vegan cheese (360)
- Houmous and salad wrap (280) 

I'm going to go do a big food shop later for more vegan goodies. It's quite nice having Caro out of the flat for a bit. I forgot how nice it is to walk around naked without worrying, or have someone over if I want to.

Niko and I sleep together for the first time in 6 years

 We smash wine after the act, red wine at that, and it seeps over the Persian rug and the carpet. He's dashing on his way out and it's almost biblical, karmic. What did we expect? It's good, but his head is full of anxieties and worry. Will I get attached again? Will I develop expectations? My question is, will he? 

I know he will go away and worry his pretty little head about it all. But I'll have moved on. That's the truth. I am a sociopath about it all now. SSRIs and speed have screwed with my head to the extent that I literally go numb and then want my own space. It's healthy, probably. But I don't need him anymore. I don't need any boy.

I'm bleeding and it hurts, but I'm glad. I had a ten day build up to my period. I am losing weight, slowly, but the real calorie counting and dieting will start tomorrow. I ate:

-Oats with fruit and soy milk (150)
-Dates and nuts (200)
-Marinated tofu and barbecue sauce (380)
-Banana (90)
-Salt and vinegar crunchy chickpea things (180?)
-Fries with salt and ketchup (400)
-Falafel with hoummous (80)
-Red wine (???)
Total = around 1700???

And I was down to 87.9 this morning. So, something I'm doing is working. I never drink anymore, tonight was an exception. 

I quite like this vegan thing.

The neighbours complained about my footsteps overhead. I was pacing a lot last night, I can't help it. They live below an insomniac, but my room is thickly carpeted. What else can I do? I think they need to shut the hell up and get used to communal living. And living below a manic depressive artist, at that.

Withdrawal is kicking my butt. 5mg Lexapro for 3 weeks now and it's not been easy. I've run out of Amfexa, which I'm glad about. Having a week off is always good, but it's a shame it's the week where my roommate is away and so is my mum. I'd rather be on it away from them, away from everyone.