I'm 168.8 lbs. And no, that's not a dodgy reading, I got the same number 10 times weighing myself in multiple places in the bathroom. I don't even know how the fuck I managed to gain on 1179 calories, or how my weight actually went up overnight (I weighed 167.8 before sleeping) but probably it had something to do with the fact that I had 4 cold and miserable hours' sleep on the shitty air mattress I've been using this week because all the beds are in my new apartment. I get a better night's sleep on the couch. I'm literally so pissed off. I told my mum I wanted half an hour alone or I'll be pissed off all day. She can't stop interrupting me for things, helping her with this or that. I feel bad for complaining and any other day I'd be happy to help her but not today. Today I want to punch a brick wall. And it just so happens to be the day I have to go out and meet people, and have coffee, and go clothes shopping. I mean kill me now. My past self would have been horrified at the idea of me going shopping at 168.8 lbs. What the fuck, why do I even bother rounding down? I'm 170 pounds. 170 giant fucking pounds and I'm never going to change.  

If it's possible to drop 4 pounds of water weight overnight I'm sure as hell going to try. I had a Diet Coke, a fat free yogurt and a bagel and then swallowed 20mg of Ritalin. That's 340 calories. If I only have coffee when I'm out, and a 250-calorie ready meal when I'm home, the day shouldn't technically come to more than 1000 calories. Well, I say 1000, more like 700, but I'd rather tell myself it's 1000 than underestimate and wind up bingeing out of panic and frustration.

* EDIT: 20 mins into taking Ritalin -

I actually had a lovely day with my mother yesterday. We did some rounds of the home and furniture shops and looked at bric-a-brac, pointing at this and that. Sometimes, when I can behave like an adult, and appear as if I have my shit pulled together, my mum is my best friend in the whole world. Then I fall apart and turn into an angry adolescent again, and we end up arguing. We ate carrot sticks together in the evening and the thought crossed my head that perhaps she would be far more cooperative with me if I were the perfect 22 year-old woman: thin, refined, anorexic and organised, with a touch of OCD and a penchant for dipping raw vegetables in mustard when hungry. It's my full intention to become that person; I just don't know how/when it will happen. Sometimes I think that I'm very anorexic in my mind, and then I remember that once upon a time I was borderline anorexic, weighing a little under 124 lbs at 15. I didn't appreciate my BMI of 18.3 back then, but nor was I sophisticated enough to work it at the time. I was scrawny rather than svelte, flabby rather than muscular, and deranged and derailed rather than fussy and neurotic. I don't want to be 124 lbs again, because I don't want to look ill (and I would). 140 lbs would work, if I had the matching persona to go with it. 140 would be fine, maybe 135, but one doesn't need to be truly underweight to appear as such. There are other factors than can come into play such as muscle mass and bone density and dress sense. I'm bigger than I was then, not just height wise (almost an inch taller) but also I'm a lot stronger. A lot of this weight is muscle, which is fine, but it's not what I want - at least, not with the fat I've gained along with it. My arms and legs seem so huge to me. Some of that might be muscle, a lot of it might be, and I'm sure it is but that's not what I want. I don't want my thighs to be bulging out of jeans. The ideal is to zap the fat without ruining the muscle, because being toned never hurt anyone. But I don't want guns.

I admit I was a little (read: very) derailed by the reading on the scales. I stepped on again after going to the bathroom and it said 166.8. So I don't know if it was a false reading or whether it was just water weight I had to "lose" in the morning. Either way, 166.8 isn't good enough and still constitutes a gain. Hideous, but maybe I can drop 2 additional ones today. That would make me 164 at the beginning of a new week, which is the lowest I've been in a while. And I'm sleeping on the couch. I have to get a train at 1pm and I refuse to be in a bad mood for the two-hour journey.

I don't know why I'm complaining so much. My life is pretty nice at the moment. I'm not working, I don't have to start reading course materials until next week, and I just got a new phone to replace the old one that kept breaking. So I should just plug in some bloody headphones and get on with it.

My sister called my mum on the phone yesterday and then passed over her manager-slash-Earth-Momma Dawn. Dawn's a total bitch at best but I try to put up with her. This is the same charming woman who consistently tells my sister I'm a jealous and toxic presence, and who, during an expedition to a New York flea market this Christmas, told me that if I wanted to hide I should. That is not the sort of advice one gives to someone with crushingly low self-esteem; it's the sort of advice that perpetuates the whole thing, and she of all people, at 5'6 and approximately 105 pounds, should know that. But whatever. I may be biased because shoot me, I don't much like the idea of my eighteen-year-old sister being pimped out by a 40 year old LA producer with peroxide hair and a missing finger. Oh, and I might mention that while I lie in my cold freezing air mattress cave all night, my sister is parading around Melrose Avenue buying wicker peacock furniture for her apartment and drinking iced matcha lattes in a pair of Lolita sunglasses. And yes, I'm bitter - can you tell?

Speaking frankly, I hate the America thing.

Day 3

- 3 fat-free dessert yogurts (180 cal)
- Coffee Light frappuccino (85 cal)
- Salad w Light House dressing (100 cal)
- Carrot sticks w chickpea/lentil dip (140 cal)
- 2 chicken breasts (295)
- 1 pc. rye bread (130 cal)
- 1 pkg. chips (169 cal)
- 1/3 cup Irish Cream (80 cal)

Total: 1179 cal

+ 20 mins calisthenics

Weight: 165.4 lbs

I didn't lose any more weight but am persevering anyway. Trying to have faith in the plan. My mother expressed some concern for the diet, telling me not to "get too obsessed". I told her I wouldn't go backwards, that this would help me. And I truly think it will. I want to fall back in love with clothes, and fashion, and making myself look adorable, and I don't think I can do that at eleven-and-a-half stone.

I want to join an adult ballet class when I get back to uni next week and start properly working out. I love the calisthenics routines, and my abs are killing from the other day still, but it's worth it. I'm seeing a change already.

The goal is to get down to 162 by sometime next week and then to maybe liquid fast for 3 days if I can handle it. It's so nice to think of getting back to 150s. Then I'll be on the straight and narrow until I get back to the 140s, my stellar weight on this blog.

Drive is picking me up tomorrow, in his car (surprise surprise) to go get lunch. Is it a date? Shot to hell if I know. Either way will let you know how it goes...

Day 2

- 1 nectarines (40 cal)
- 1.3 cup grapefruit juice (120 cal)
- Bircher muesli yogurt (175 cal)
- Cappuccino (100 cal)
- Sandwich (552 cal)
- Kabanos (206 cal)

Total: 1193 cal

Weight: 165.6 lbs          

Day 1

- 2 nectarines (80 cal)
- 1 cup grapefruit juice (95 cal)
- Cappuccino (100 cal)
- Sandwich (675 cal)
- 1 cup chilli tomato soup (100 cal)
- Red wine (50)
- Chocolate (100)

Total: 1200 cal

+ 40 mins calisthenics (I have a lil sit-up routine)

Weight: 166.2 lbs

600 cal a day keeps the doctor away.

I wanted to try 2-4-6-8 tomorrow, starting with the 800 day as I can't remember the last time I successfully had a day under 1,200 calories. But I'm going back to basics and doing what I did when I was 17, which was just 600 calories a day until I broke. Straight-forward, no bullshit calorie zigzagging and messing around. I'm ready to shake this range once and for all. I stepped on the scales multiple times at 2pm after waking up and they went from 166.8 to 167.4 back to 166.8. I don't know which number was accurate but the point is I don't want to be 160-anything. I've been here for literally a year and I've had enough of it. So 600 calories a day until I'm back to where I was, that's it. Either way I'm deciding that I need to go a bit extreme to successfully get back in the 150s then lower. I'm back in London this week then freshers starts next Monday or thereabouts, so I'm leaving again then. That means roughly seven days to get out of the 160s. I just need a jump start. I've been sleeping on the couch at home, and today I didn't wake up until lunch time, which felt terrible. It was my birthday on Sunday, and I stayed the night at Tina's which meant I had to wake up at 9 (she leaves for outpatient treatment every morning around 10/11) and it felt really good to be up that early. I got so much done that I didn't care about only having had 6 hours sleep. I'm working on an album at the moment, and it's something that feels very easy for me to keep returning to as I love doing it and it's cathartic and therapeutic in a way that writing often isn't. So I did that virtually all morning while Tina was at clinic and then I met her at 4pm and it felt like I'd actually had a productive day's work. Anyway, I want to do that every day. I want to design a perfect schedule that allows me to work on all of these creative passions in equal amounts with equal dedication and determination. Writing, making music, and film. Maybe I should find an acting class this term that isn't affiliated with the university. If such a thing exists.

I finally got my Ritalin prescription from the chemist's so I will making full use of it in a non-abusive-but-probably-slightly-abusive way... until I find a way to otherwise control my voracious and insatiable appetite.

* EDIT *

- FF Greek yogurt, blueberry (114)
- 1 banana with cinnamon (90)
- Muesli with skim milk (200)
- Soy cappuccino, vanilla (180)
- Chicken singapore noodles (300)
- Superfood salad (375)
- Cookie (290)
- More salad with cheese (300)
- Coca-Cola (100)

Total: 1949

This is a "good day" to me now, which is rather a kick in the teeth seeing it all written down like that. I feel bloated. I came back to Tina's house for the night, which opened the gateway to eating a big dinner and consequently feeling I should eat more to make it "worth it". I didn't need the cookie, but she was having one and for some reason that justified it to me. Same with the heavy dinner of noodles and salad. Even though it was "healthy", I'm not convinced. I'm rarely convinced that a dinner consisting of meat, dairy, and totalling over 600 calories is either worth it or entirely healthy for you and consequently, I feel bad. Bad enough to start restricting again seriously, if only to negate how utterly full and disgusted I feel right now. I feel shit looking at myself in the mirror. I don't understand how I let it get this bad. I don't know how anyone can say I look ok. My friends, my girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend. I look like a pig.

I've planned out tomorrow:

- 1 peach (30 cal)    
- Black coffee (0 cal)
- Mocha Light frappuccino (96 cal)
- Kids meal (275 cal)
- 20 slices Turkey w/ mustard (170 cal)

Total: 571 calories

Time to get my sh*t together

I want to try 2-4-6-8, or possibly just 4-6-8, obviously starting with the 800 day. Or maybe just burning off every single calorie I eat. I'm really sick of this shit.

Ballooned again, working it off as fast as possible. In two days I've gone from 170 to 165.6 lbs; my completely ridiculous but non-negotiable plan is to get down to 150 by the start of term. I cannot endure another month of this weight range, I just cannot. I hate what this body connotes about me. I want my body to be a weapon and an instrument, sharp and refined and disciplined. Not this lazy corpulent mass of flesh.

I haven't figured out what's causing me to self-sabotage yet, but I'm working on it. What's really hard for me is the night-time. When everyone goes to bed is when I take the opportunity to stuff my face with useless food items that have no nutritional benefit and only serve to comfort me when I'm feeling bored and hyperactive on my own. It's been such a while since I've restricted properly, so I'm giving it everything I've got because I know full well it's going to be a job.

I downloaded a pedometer onto my iPhone and I'm working on taking 10,000 steps a day as a bare minimum. It's actually a lot harder than you'd think and I've realised I really need to raise my activity level. No wonder I'm fat and listless, when I only take a couple of thousand steps a day. I've been jogging on the spot intermittently throughout the day because seeing the number go up is just so damn satisfying.