Day 2

Caro came over. She's having a shit time at work and we needed to discuss practicalities (money, whether or not she's moving in, her psychopathic boss). We ate olives and crisps and drank wine and it felt good to see her again, but there's something so heavy about her these days. I guess now, I'm the stable one, and she's the one who's struggling. It's odd. How the turn tables. 

Intake: 

- Sourdough with violife & marmite (250)  
- Black coffee (1)
- Rice and homemade bean/veg/tomato chilli thing (300)
- Vegan cheese (80) 
- Green salad leaves (30)
- Hot sauce (6) 
- 2 tortillas (150)
- Chilli olives (80) 
- Crisps & houmous (200?)
- Wine (???) 

Total: 1097

No, I don't count alcohol. I probably should, but it's early days. We're only just getting back into our restriction game.

It's weird - I seem to have a compulsion to just "buy" food. Even if I come to work with plenty to eat, I *have* to buy something from the shop. It's weird. It's like I panic if I think I have nothing to snack on, then I end up accumulating stuff in my fridge and I can't possibly eat it all without gorging myself. 

I feel a little bit less bloated today. I'm not going to weigh myself until a few more weeks into this. My goal is to stick to 1500 calories or less, a deficit for my height. I have a mythology that I cannot lose weight, but I think I've been overeating without realising because I never count calories anymore. I have a feeling this will be good for me. Write everything down, stay accountable. Get back on the wagon. Shed this weight. Become my best self.

Well this is strange.

I'm back again. Time to start up the old blog/dieting wagon. It's strange, but familiar. Like home.

I had a good stab last year, but it dried up. I'm the highest I've ever been. I weighed 208 on the scales last night, and 203 this morning. Ugh. I cannot keep this up. Don't feel or look like me. And the bloating is insane. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if half of this weight gain is sheer bloat.

I've been gorging myself but my appetite is so huge, I haven't known how to reign it in. And it's been scaring me. Because I've not been accountable to anything or anyone for a long time now.

Slipped back into my old vegan ways on 1st January. Veganuary was a good excuse, that and the fact that I'm throupling with a pretty vegan couple right now. They're both so gorgeous and skinny, and I feel like I'm the wild exotic amazonian thing they happened to get dragged in with. I want to match them. 

Today's intake to start, and personal drama will invariably follow in the coming posts (you know me). 

- Baked potato with vegan cheese & plant based spread (300?)
- Piece of toast with vegan cream cheese & tomato, salt and pepper (200?)
- Fruit juice (150)
- Bite of homemade houmous (50?) 
- Homemade mushroom soup w/ croutons, crispy onions, maggi (200) 
- Dried strawberry bite thingies (40?)
- Handful of blueberries (30?) 
- Peppermint tea & black coffee (2) 
- 1 cup all-bran cereal (200?)

Total: 1172 calories 

I think I forgot how to count calories. I think I forgot they existed.

Yikes.