Happy Hallowe'en

Eating more is weird. My metabolism is properly catching up now. Yesterday I stuffed my face with 2100 calories and this morning I lost .6 of a lb. I'm aiming to staircase downwards to 1000 in order to lose weight, dropping 100 calories a day. So today was 1900, tomorrow I'll aim for 1800, etc etc. I did this when I was 15, it's how I got down to 124 lbs. Things were simple back then. I never fasted, I never abused laxatives, I never even considered going below 1000 calories a day. It wasn't an option; I had a sit down family supper every night, and school all day long, so it would be cafeteria lunches, apples and cereal bars for break and a proper breakfast. There wasn't all this yo-yoing going on, no eating 500 calories one day and 3000 the next. It was safe and controlled and I managed to whittle myself down to below 9 stone, something I wish to do again before next summer.

The trick was that once I made it to 1000 calories, I'd staircase upwards, building my metabolism back up and maintaining the weight I'd lost from the first phase of dropping. It sounds confusing but if you just imagine it like going up and down a set of stairs it makes it easier to visualise. So that's what I'm doing. 145.0 lbs this morning and I'll probably be 144 tomorrow as I kept just under 1900 today.

Wow... numbers numbers numbers. All very calming controlled and tidy. It's been taking my mind off the shit, anyway. Found out another fantastic snippet of information today from my friend Zara. That in fact Alfie and this other girl were doing things in secret all summer. So essentially I was being two-timed (well, three-timed, if you factor in what happened with Bash). God I love this guy, I just grow more and more fond of him with every thing I hear. I have this theory that he's a compulsive liar, a narcissist and a control freak who needs to micro manage everything and keep people like secrets in order to feel some sense of power. I'm probably right. Anyway he needs to get his shit straight before I can even consider resuming a friendship with him again. All relationships should be open and honest, and the amount of lies and drama that have come out of knowing him is just unreal. I lost my best female friend over him, I pretty much spent my entire summer with him and magically he leaves out this HUGE chunk of information that he's sleeping with this girl that I half-know on the side. If it was just sex between them maybe I wouldn't be so miserable but the fact that he says he loves her makes it an entirely different story.

But anyhow, moving on from the labyrinth of petty teenage dramatics that is currently my life, it's Halloween tomorrow and I'm going up to Tina's uni to celebrate. Student union spooky bash, yes please. I'm going as Wednesday Addams and I'm gonna look freaking hot so some nice boy can fall in love with me and take my mind off Alfie. Sounds like a plan.

I will keep you lovely girls posted on everything that happens with the Alfie situation, and food. For now it's all about keeping myself well and on top, so I'll be sticking with the higher calories for a bit, but hopefully it will turn out the way I want and I will get out of this stupid weight range asap. Hope you are all well x

Just another of the broken-hearted

So I haven't posted in a while, some stuff's gone down. Firstly, I sort of just found out that the guy I was having a thing with all summer (Alfie) actually liked someone else all of that time and was meanwhile texting her that he was in love with her and couldn't keep it to himself any longer. I found this out last night when I was in a bar with all of my friends so I couldn't exactly flip out because no one knows I have fucking feelings for him. Screen munch of his conversation with this girl, waved in my face. He was saying some serious stuff to her, stuff like 'You were my first love; I can't keep it to myself anymore, I am in love with you and always have been'. It was a bona fide conversation that is now fucking public property. You can imagine how much that got to me, and how much it hurt to hide my true feelings from close friends who don't know a thing about my relationship with him this summer.

At the same time as this was happening I just kept saying to myself, I have no right to be hurt or pissed off because it's not like he was my property. He never said to me that he loved me. or was in love with me. I don't even recall him saying he liked me, only that he cared about me and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings'. And I never said it to him (that I was falling for him) so I probably have no right to be upset or possessive. Fucks sake, the guy cheated on his last girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time) with me, and then he had a thing with Bash because he thought I'd given him 'permission' to get with anyone as we weren't exclusive so you know it's all very messy and he was never 'mine' so to speak so I can't get upset really can I, I just have to move on and accept that yeah, he probably did like me somewhere along the line, but evidently, he likes a lot of people, and I am not to be considered anything special. He was practically public property this summer because what we had wasn't known by anyone but us. So actually he had free license to do whatever he wanted outside our 'relationship'... if you can even call it that... and technically I did too. But now I just feel kind of strung along. Like I was his play thing this summer while he was actually having feelings for someone else. I was just someone to wipe his tears away and massage his ego for a few months while shit was going down in his house and with his parents and with all his fucking women. 

He knew I liked him and yet he was still doing this.

I admitted to him that I liked him straight off the bat,

the night we got off I put everything on the table

I was drunk so it all came out

I was like well Alfie here are some things you have to know about me

Firstly I'm fickle one minute I like someone the next I'm entirely disinterested

Secondly Charlie is my best friend and we have to accept the consequences if this comes out

Thirdly I have feelings for you which is extremely rare for me as I have huge trust issues when it comes to guys

I was completely open

Laid everything out on the table

It was the beginning of summer

and yet knowing that I liked him

and trusted him

he proceeded to

a) get off with one of my best friends right before my very eyes

b) secretly be texting another girl telling her he was in love with her and couldnt hold it in any longer while we were still doing our thing

c) never tell me about any of this and be dishonest about all of it

Ughhh.

Food? Weight? Dieting? Fuck that shit. I'm serious, last week I made the decision to forget about my weight for a few months and restricting. Because guess what, it got super bloody cold in London super quickly, and I've realised there is actually no way that I can attempt to starve my body over the Winter. For starters the second the weather gets like this, my already-shitty immune system is even more prone to being weak and crap at trying to fight off illness. Throw in a starvation diet and you're fucked. So I've been starting to build up my calories up from 500 a day, where I left off, to 2000, my BMR. Currently I'm at 1500 without gaining the next day, which is definitely an improvement, but I still need to get up to 2000 before I can properly settle my body into eating intuitively. I don't know, I guess I'm trying to mend myself somehow. It's like I've realised I am the only one responsible for myself right now, no one else is going to be in this body in 10 years time, so I need to start treating myself right. Someone I thought I could trust - in fact, the first guy I think I've ever truly opened myself up to - hasn't treated me very well. I realise that now. So it's time to treat myself with some respect. And yeah on Halloween I won't weigh 138 lbs, I'll be like 146 and probably hate myself. But I need to try to like myself, or at the minimum feel comfortable with myself, at this weight, because obviously my body naturally wants to be here at the moment and there's no use battling against that when I need to use my mind for other things. More important things like my schoolwork and getting a job and trying to get over the guy I fell for, the guy who's just broken my heart. 

I will try and update soon on how it's all going, I don't think this is the end. I think it's just the beginning. I'm hoping it will be a better path this time and that eating more is the right decision. I'm going into this blindly, whatever fucked sense of recovery this will turn out to be, but I could use anyone's support right now. Just feeling completely shattered and like all I really need this Christmas is a hot water bottle, a good book and my mum's home cooked food.

Coffee time!

So last night after having a total pig-out on this divine olive bread and camembert cheese my mother brought home, I was terrified I'd be at least 146 this morning, especially since I kept eating until 2am D: But, as luck would have it, I'm only up to 144.4, so I figured one little day of 'fasting' would sort the problem out. I write that in quotation marks because it's not really a proper fast... more of a coffee/water/rice cake/diet soda/fruit juice fast. Sounds a bit extreme but all I want right now is to get back to my low of 142, then power on through to the 130s. It certainly isn't healthy but it won't be forever. Once Hallowe'en is over I'll be back on the superfood smoothies I was drinking last month (tons of energy and nutrients) and salads, so it's all good :)

Today I had a homemade mochaccino (packet of Options hot chocolate, cappuccino powder, dash of skim milk and hot water) which I calculate to be around 100 calories. In an hour I'm going to meet Ginger, we'll probably go Starbucks so it'll either be a cappuccino or a small latte, depending on how I feel... ooh! Also I have something to tell you guys, I discovered Shapers at Boots (UK) do a range of new diet drinks called Water Vit drinks. They're all under 12 calories, and flavoured with sucralose instead of aspartame (which is apparently better for you). So I might buy a couple of those on the way home. Then it's off to theatre at 7.15; I'll pack a few rice cakes to keep me going. So the day shouldn't technically come to more than 275 calories, which should put me straight back to 142 tomorrow morning. Then tomorrow it's the same with the theatre drill, except I'm not seeing anyone during the day, so I can ditch one of the coffees in favour of something light like a cucumber tomato salad... we'll see.

Hope you all have a wonderful day <3

Gah

I was doing so so well until this evening. I even saw freaking 142 lbs on the scales when I woke up, I was filled with the most elated joy. But now I'm surely gonna be back up to 144 or God forbid 145 after my late-night olive bread and camembert pig out.    

I really want to fast tomorrow but I have to see Ginger for coffee at 3, and then it's theatre at 7 which I need my strength for. So, despite how much I just want to stop eating to erase the damage of tonight, I guess it'll be back to 600 tomorrow. My plan is

Morning: Mocha 80
Afternoon: Grande skinny cappuccino from Starbucks 82
Evening (pre theatre): Broccoli & cheese pasta 262 (kids meal)
Snack: 3 rice cakes 120 Diet coke 0

Total cals 544

Should I weigh tomorrow? Probably not, I know that seeing anything over 143 will totally demotivate me. Yet I know that I won't be able to keep away from the scales.

Either way it's not going to be long to 138. 6 lbs more at the most, and if I include some fasts I know I'll be able to get there. I'm hoping the next few days of restriction will pave the way. At the weekend I'm going out for fish and chips with Tina and then going round the shops so if I save my money (and my appetite) for then, I can pig Saturday afternoon and fast Sunday. I'll make it easy on myself by doing a <100 fast which means I have room for some egg whites in the morning, a caffe misto or white coffee for lunch, and some tomatoes with a diet soda for supper... then hopefully I'll be so exhausted I can just pass out early and sleep through the hunger pangs.

Rainy Sunday Glory

143.2 lbs bitchesss! After a few days of dedication to the cause (ie. no bingeing) I'm finally back in my safe range. I honestly believe it's the pills helping me restrict. I haven't wanted to fuck it up once which is highly unusual for me.

So today has kind of been a slob day, me and Tina got vegetarian sushi yesterday and then these kids meals for dinner which were only like 175 calories. I might start stocking up on them because they're small portions but fill you up for the tiny amount you're actually consuming. Friday night I saw my dad which was awesome, we went for Thai food (which didn't turn out to be that bad, I just got the broccoli & cashew nut and a diet coke) and saw Looper. I always lose weight when I go to the cinema. I don't know why; it's probably to do with the fact that I never bring food in with me and I always drink a shit ton of water because it's the cheapest thing there. So that was good, catching up with him and stuff, and of course lovely to see Tina, as always. We didn't even have to drink to have a good time, just hung out and talked crap for hours and watched a scary film... it was perfect. She's the only friend of mine who comes back from uni at the weekends, everyone else wants to avoid going home so she's the person I can count on for my weekly friend fix, I guess.

Ginger also texted me saying he wants to take me to the dog shelter to help him find a rescue puppy. I love dogs so much, but we actually had to give ours up after the divorce, so I can't wait to snuggle a load of cute puppies when we go there :) Sometimes I wish Ginger lived closer, so we could hang out more. He always wants to do cool stuff like go clubbing or take me to gigs or go jogging together but because he lives on the other side of London it's so hard to organise. I think I'm seeing him this half term though, as well as Caro, who I haven't seen in over a week. So it's all good on the friends front. I'm not too lonely.

Alfie's coming back on November 3rd and my goal was to hit 136 by then, which is definitely looking feasible now I'm dropping so quickly. 7 lbs in 13 days, easy peasy.

I haven't really got anything else to update you guys on, oh apart from I dragged myself into school on Friday morning for a 9am meeting with my art teacher, and she turned me away because I was 10 minutes late. She was like 'my life doesn't revolve around you, Gabrielle, you're going to have to work out your sketchbook on your own because I don't have time to help you anymore. You skip four weeks of classes then just rock up and expect me to pay a ton of attention to you and help you plan things and it's just not on. I don't like your attitude.' So I totally bitched her out and actually had to storm out of the art room before I couldn't stop myself from saying the things I really wanted to say.

Daily dose of drama for you.

Hope everyone is well, and enjoying the dreary October weather!
<3

Happy pills

I finally plucked up the courage to go to my GP about my recent bout of depression. She said I was severely depressed and that another course of medication might help me get through this rough patch. So I've been prescribed 10mg of Citalopram daily. I have 28 pills in my box and if I can tolerate it for the first two weeks, on the third week I can double my dosage to 2 pills a day (20mg). I started on the pills yesterday evening and already, today, I am feeling so much better. It's weird, like I was so zonked I slept until 2pm... then when I woke up I just felt more steady somehow. Like the day wasn't going to be a complete blow-out for once. I didn't feel ecstatic or manic or anything, just... stable. Very odd feeling.

In addition to all that good stuff, I didn't feel the need to binge or overeat tonight for the first time in forever. In fact, I consumed less than 800 calories today, and that's only because I actually had to remind myself to eat something after going 6 hours not even thinking about food. I looked it up and apparently loss of appetite is a really common side effect with these pills, so perhaps it will be much easier to jump back into restricting than I thought. Which is nothing short of a miracle, if you ask me.

I have to get myself to sleep earlier than usual tonight (ie. before 1am) as I have a meeting in school with my art teacher at 9am. Needless to say I'm not looking forward to that one, but I guess I have to face the music some time, and maybe the meds will help me feel more in control of the situation. I've skipped so much school lately and I don't want to fail this A level, even though I'm taking it optionally. Sigh. I just hope she doesn't go all passive aggressive on me like she usually does. I would prefer if she stood there and yelled at me to be honest. But... I'm not gonna sweat it. If she gets bitchy I'll just keep reminding myself she's a badly paid, fat, old, ugly, mean teacher who's probably failed at everything she wanted to do in life. Haha it kind of sounds like I'm the bitch now... but that's the way I have to think with her, in order to stop myself turning into a wet blanket and breaking down. God's sake. *Sigh*.

On another note, my dad's back in London for the weekend and I think he wants to take me and my sister out for dinner tomorrow night. If we end up going to our favourite Thai restaurant I'll just get broccoli in soy sauce or something. I want tomorrow to be a proper 600 day. Kind of sucks that I have to get up early because of course that always means more hours in the day to eat, but if my appetite is as non-existent tomorrow as it was today, I'm sure I'll be able to handle it.

Oh and by the way, I've dropped a measly pound since hitting my ghastly high weight of 148, so I'm down to 147. Still grim, but better than no loss, or worse, a gain. Hoping that today will have paid off and I'll be sticking to the straight and narrow from here.

Game on

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck 148.6 fuck fuck fuck 148.6 WHAT?!

Holy shit.

Okay. Time to breathe. But I'm freaking out. So my dieting's been a little haywire lately. So I've binged a little. But not nearly enough to quantify this scale of weight gain! I mean - 148.6, are you fucking kidding me?! I'm only half a stone off my highest weight... this is freaking disgusting.

After seeing that number on the scales, my entire body filled with dread. I do not even want to look at food right now. Well, I do, in fact I want to eat all the food I can get my hands on, but if I keep telling myself I don't want to look at it maybe I'll start believing it.

I have two important dates coming up I need to drop weight for. I'm attending a big student union Halloween party at the end of the month, thrown at Tina's university. I'm going to go as a demented asylum patient with fake blood all over my hospital gown and a syringe and look absolutely disgusting. It's gonna be great. But I need to be skinny enough that I can gaunt myself out with makeup but let my body do the rest of the talking... so I'm aiming for 138 by the party. Then on the 3rd November ALFIE'S COMING HOME (for a few days before he jets back up to uni) and obviously we're going to be seeing each other so I needneedneed (I can't express how much more this is a need than a want) to be 136 by then. So I can be super adorable with jeans falling off me like I was during study leave, and he'll love me so much he won't be able to stop picking me up.

As to my methods of getting there, I'm going to go against everything I said in my last post and declare I really don't give a tuppence about playing it safe right now. I have deadlines and I need to meet them. NEED. So it's gonna be 600 a day until I'm down to 140, then maybe I'll push it to 138 with a little good old fashioned fast before Halloween. When I'm back from Tina's uni I'll fast until the 3rd so that I can undo any drinking damage that may have occurred.

Charlie deleted all of us off Facebook. So that one's over. I'm tempted to run around singing 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead' but I think that might be a little dishonorable at this moment in time, so I won't.

Easing back in

Apologies for the depressing post that will now ensue. I am not a happy bunny. I thought I was out of the melancholia that hit me last week but I seem to be slipping back into it. I was so, so pumped for this week. Had high hopes after seeing Caro yesterday that I could get my shit together this week and just go for it. But for the 3rd week in a row I haven't turned up to school... why? Because I'm failing at it and I'm too scared to face my teacher, along with the big fat ugly truth. Just like I am failing at every other area of my life at the moment. I still haven't managed to find a part-time job. None of the ones I've applied for have had the decency to get back to me. This is a disaster. I'm broke as fuck. I can't afford any new clothes and I really need some. The jeans I bought don't fucking fit me, I'm down to a dress and a pair of tights and a baggy pair of stretch leggings and a couple of hoodies. Everything else makes me look chubby. I want to get my hair done nicely, get my streak taken out and have it made all nice and healthy and shiny. Maybe get some side pieces and the ends sorted out seeing as I haven't had it cut in about 2 years. But I don't even seem to have enough money to get on a bus let alone go to a professional salon for an expensive hair cut. I'm failing at losing weight, big time. My ability to restrict or simply just contain my desire to eat everything in the cupboards has gone out of the window entirely. I'm 146 freaking pounds this morning. I mean, seriously. What the fuck. I never let it get this bad. I'm broke and I still manage to get fat! I was reading back through old conversations with Rebecca last night to purposely trigger myself. We used to go for such long stretches of time not fucking up or slipping, it was insane. Then at the end we would have a huge binge in the comfort of her flat... her parents were never there and we could just do whatever we liked. Blare music, smoke, drink, eat pizza. Then we'd take a shit ton of laxatives at the end of the night and the next day would be a fast day, so <50 calories in liquids and tons of water and of course dying on the toilet every hour or so. My sane side remembers it as grim but my disordered side totally yearns for that time period and almost romanticises it. Even though it was obviously fucked up and painful and awful and hideous and scary and insane... it was also scarily fun. Having someone to do all this shit with. Someone who wouldn't judge you and could keep you in check. Idolising our goal weights, drooling over this dress, that haircut, oh wouldn't that look so nice if we were thin. When we're skinny we'll do this, go there, see that. Meet these people, attend these shows, eat these foods. I fucking miss that in my life. Someone I could confide in and even better, someone to do these dirty terrible things with. All this shit must have worked, as well, because she went from 132 to 103 in four months, and I went from 156 to 139. She maintained the low weight because she built back up slowly rather than bingeing, unlike useless old me.

Where the fuck is Rebecca?

The truth has dawned on me. And the truth is that I have never managed to successfully jump straight back into restricting after bingeing, at least not unless I fast the day afterwards, and I haven't done that since last year. I just need to take it slow - no rush, I have the whole year to do this, right? So I might as well take my goddamn time and draw the process out for as long as possible. After all, the slower you lose weight, the easier it is to keep it off. So I'm easing myself gently back into that carefully conditioned zone I've been lusting after for so many months. Trying to run before you can walk never works. Tomorrow I will begin my first stretch of trying to stick to 900 calories a day - no more, no less - until I can get my weight down to an acceptable level. When I've mastered that for a while without slipping up, I'll lower it to 600. Hopefully that will plummett me into the 130s, and I'll take it from there, slowly getting more restrictive until I wind up at new low weights. If I did it once, I can do it before, right?

Blah.

Off to my unpaid theatre job now. Fun times. Apologies for the rant.  

Drink of champions

Sugar free Rockstar - how have I never discovered this drink before? It's beauty. AND PINK!

Today was better. Much better. I ate, but I didn't binge. 1500 maybe. It would have been less but me and Tina went out on the town for sushi and then late night coffee near my house afterwards, so it added up to more. At least I actually ate some fruit and vegetables today though. I haven't been doing well in that department over the past week.

I'd like to say my depression is lifting but I think it has started to creep back in now that Tina's left. Isn't that pathetic? Tomorrow I know I'll be back to dreading my art days on Monday and Tuesday (for which I have done none of the work assigned to me) and hating the fact that I'm still jobless despite having applied to about 5 over the last two weeks (not one of them has got back to me. Fuck society).

Another depressing thing was that yesterday, I bought a new pair of jeans because my current ones (UK12s) have started falling off me. Probably because they've stretched, not because I've lost weight. So anyway this new pair are also a size 12, but when I tried them on this morning they barely did up. I could just about zip and button them up but my hips splurged over the edge. Fuck. So even size 12s are getting tight on me now? That is seriously awful. I don't understand it, as I wore 12s at 156 lbs... so how are they not doing up at 145 lbs... that's what I want to know. And they're not even a small size, that's the shitty thing. They're stretch jeans. Oh well. A true sign that I need to get my ass in gear (quite literally), asap.

So yeah I was up to 145.2 today after yesterday's big fat binge. But I have faith that I can be back to 143 on Monday morning, and hopefully from thereon out it will be sticking to the straight and narrow until I reach 135 once again. I've decided there is no point in me trying to stick to a set diet plan anymore. I just freak out and binge, or eat other foods I haven't planned to eat, which triggers me into fucking it up. So I think I will just say keep to under 1000 calories for now, keep busy, and the more caffeine, the better, in my opinion...

Earlier I was trying to re-motivate myself by reading back on old posts. I've also been reading Jean Stein's biography on Edie Sedgwick and they outline what kind of things she used to eat. It was funny things like roast beef sandwiches, salads with lashings of Russian dressing, orange juice and lots and lots of coffee/cigarettes/alcohol to wash it all down. Granted, she was probably throwing half of it back up given how thin she was, but still. I kind of like the Edie diet. It appeals to me. She doesn't really banish 'bad' foods like peanut butter or cookies. She just had them once in a while (probably after coming down from a 3-day amphetamine-fueled high) and I think she also used to work a lot of it off by dancing and exercising obsessively. So maybe I'll do that. Move around a lot and be jittery and manic and a social butterfly, and eat a big chicken salad sandwich every now and again. Sounds good to me...

The only thing I won't be doing a lot of is smoking. I only smoke socially now (ie. when I'm drunk) and I have a rule about not doing it alone anymore. I don't even own a pack of cigarettes at the moment, when I do have them I bum them off other people, so that stops me from temptation a little I guess.

Withdrawing

So yesterday, I couldn't eat anything all day.
I went to go pick up some photographs that I wanted developed. They turned out shit, all overcast and gloomy, like my mood. £7 down the drain.
That was my day.
I felt sick when I looked at food and even thinking about eating it made me want to cry.
Then at 7 I was like, this is ridiculous, I need to eat something.
So I bought a bottle of vodka
Because I was like okay, maybe if I get drunk enough I'll eat something.
Got drunk and ate about half a loaf of white bread
Then I felt sick
and stupid
and even worse
I don't know what is happening to me any more.

Today I had to be out pretty much all day. Was pretty hard after five days lying listless and dead in bed with a hot water bottle, a cold, and zero energy.
I had a voluntary theatre job interview early afternoon then had to rush back to buy something to wear, make my sister dinner, then get ready to go clubbing with Caro.
I didn't feel like either, and I am still contemplating whether to go out tonight at all.
The only incentive is I get to drink in an acceptable drinking setting rather than the backdrop of my own bedroom.
There's even a downside to that, that I will be wasting even more money, and it's not even money well spent, just on some overpriced drinks that I can't afford and won't even fuck me up.

I'm just dreading having to dress myself up to be honest.
I want to crawl into a hole and lay there and hibernate until the year is over.

I don't want to have to face the responsibilities of real life.
I don't want to do my art anymore. I'm so behind and my teacher has some sort of personal vendetta against me.
I feel like I'm losing pleasure in every aspect of life, it's like there is no hope.
I must sound so self indulgent right now but that's how it is.
I wish I could just go somewhere to be away from all this stuff inside my head,
like a little break.
Mental break.

I wish I could be admitted to hospital so I wouldn't have to deal with the real world for one second longer. I could just get treated like a lost child who needed looking after 24/7 and not have to deal with school or other people or friends or non-friends or love or sex or parents or families or duties or jobs or any of it.

143 lbs today. The number was going down, slowly but surely. But when I got home today I binged on the contents of our fridge because I'm a fat depressed failure who will probably be 146 tomorrow morning. I wish I could bring myself to care but I just don't anymore.

Yep, definitely not going out tonight. Might just pour myself a substitutive triple vodka in honour of the evening I could have had. 

Too depressed to eat

I give in trying to pretend any longer that I am okay. I am not okay. I'm depressed. Completely and utterly miserable. My life is just stagnating, whilst everyone else around me is flourishing and moving on. The one person who is as lonely and lost as I am right now is Charlie, and she doesn't want me in her life anymore. I haven't been in school over the last two days. I think I've got sinusitis again after smoking in Tina's flat over the weekend - that was a bad idea. I haven't been into school either yesterday or today and that makes me feel like an unproductive, worthless waste of space, while just confirming every expectation I had of this year - that I would fail at everything I tried to do, and not be able to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm actually considering going back on anti-depressants because I am so sick of going into these states of fluctuation with my moods and feeling so sad every time I don't have something to immediately occupy my mind, like socialising or working. I keep having fucked up flashbacks of my childhood then randomly breaking down and crying. I don't know what else I can do, I'm having no psychological support at the moment, my mum just rolls her eyes whenever I tell her I'm sad and gives me tough love, saying I need to get out and exercise, be active and put myself out there/get a job. I havent had therapy all year. My sister doesnt really get it as she's still in school, she doesnt understand the guilt complex I have over spending days indoors being unproductive. I have this place, I talk to Tina about it a lot and occasionally Caro and Alfie but it's not enough. It's wonderful to have supportive friends but it's not enough.

I felt too sad to eat properly today. Every time I looked at food I just started crying. All I've had is a banana, yogurt, and apple for breakfast. Then this evening I had a few bites of chocolate and some spag bol my mum had made for my sister, but stopped because I was like 'Why am I doing this' and made a huge salad instead. Didn't even finish that. I should be happy about this but I weighed and I am still a whale.

Sometimes, I think that maybe, I should just embrace the depression. Let it wrap me up like a blanket. It's so familiar and comforting in a way. I dont have to face the real world, or reality, or anything. I just get utterly absorbed in my own head, and my memories. Nothing else matters. I hate it but I love it at the same time.

Sometimes I wish I could just go into a hospital or something, where they could take care of me and I wouldn't have to be a part of society or the real world anymore. Somehow I get to be surrounded by all these other poor damaged souls like Charlie and Rebecca, who just get all the attention poured onto them, get to be talked about all the time, get to be concerned for and worried about and wondered about. No one knows how I truly feel because I don't wear my damage on the outside. I keep it in a dark place inside my brain for no one to touch or visit or see. I wish I could just unlock the key and let it consume me but I'm too good at pretending I'm fine, too good at pretending I'm OK.
 
Looks like I've lost my appetite for the time being, so I guess that's one thing working in my favour.

Sorry for the horrendous post. I genuinely don't expect anyone to comment or even know what to say but if anyone has any words of comfort I would appreciate it so much. I am just feeling so lost right now.

Time to grow some balls

I felt so effing terrible today. Major down spell. Started bingeing pretty much from the moment I woke up which didn't do me one favour. Depression crept in. Had some wine; thought it would make me feel better. It just made me more inclined to order a ton of Chinese food and eat it with my sister in front of re-runs of The Hills. All of those girls are just so bloody skinny and preened to perfection and all it did was remind me of how average and chunky I am in comparison.

I struck me that I have gained 12 lbs overall since my low point during study leave. That is disgusting. Despicable. And so, so deflating. Even though I still thought I had much further to go when I was 135 lbs, I knew I wasn't fat anymore, I knew I wasnt chubby, I knew I had dropped a size and that gave me motivation that I actually had will power and could go further if I wanted to. Right now, well... I havent been out of the same 2 or 3 kilo range in months, my weight yo-yos around, I can't keep up a constant activity level, I cant even go a week without smoking or bingeing these days. I have no motivation. No immediate excuse to drop a shit ton of weight. No one's broken up with me. No one's died. I'm not losing control of things. And thats why I can't lose it. There is no reason other than my own precious self indulgence and desire to be painfully skinny and wear my fucking damage on my outside because I'm secretly an attention-seeking, self-involved, reckless little girl. My alcohol habit's creeping back in and I see myself turning to it for comfort once again. I started drinking at 3pm today for example, just to take the edge off my anxiety and depression. I can't even go three days dieting without fucking it up. I can't keep up a constant level of good - or even "okay" - mood. It's awful. What on earth am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to keep on living this year out the way I've started it? I know it sounds dramatic and I know developments will happen like meeting new people and upcoming opportunities for going out, keeping busy, working. I know for sure that I will see Bash again at Christmas and have fun with her, take my mind off everything. See Alfie again this side of the holidays, if he still wants to, and of course Caro and Tina on a weekly basis. But it's not enough. Other people aren't enough. They don't fill that void. There's still something missing. I'm frustrated. I want to make myself into this person but I have no idea how to do it or even if I did know, I couldn't actually carry it out because of lack of mental strength. And I am so, so tired of looking, being, feeling this way. At least if I was depressed and 50 kilos or something, my body would match the inside of my head, I wouldn't have this constant tugging at my brain, this permanent sensation that I could be better, smaller, and in addition to that, utterly detached, disciplined, and self-ruling, without the need for anything or anyone other than myself.

I know what's stopping me from losing weight. Self-sabotage, but that goes without saying. But I'm just too easily distracted and swayed by short-term pleasure. I need to perfect the art of cutting all the extraneous, unhelpful out of the picture and concentrating on this one thing. This one thing that I know will bring me happiness, or at least freedom, in some format. It's time to let go of everything and everyone else and be selfish for once. This is my thing. My choice. My choice to be thin. I've done it before and I can do it again.

Super strict regime for the next week, and it's not going to last any longer than that. Just one week, then whatever happens after that, happens. But this week is going to be intense. No smoking (I had some last night with Tina, following a sushi binge that caused me to go up 2.5 lbs this morning. It's made me feel ill). Strict diet: lunch will be some combination of fruit or a couple of pieces of vegetarian sushi, washed down with diet coke. A big salad for dinner (lettuce, spring onions, cucumber, broccoli, tomatoes, carrots, beansprouts, sweetcorn, croutons) in a tupperware chased by tons of water. No frothy lattes (until the weekend), no yogurt, no cheese, no crisps, no juice. Not forever, but for now, because I need to stick to this plan for a short period of time to prove to myself that I can do it. At the weekend I'll replace the salad with alcohol and allow myself coffee. I just need to be selfish for a week and be like, fuck this. I'm going to eat a certain way for the next 7 days and no one's going to stop me, especially not myself.

I'm getting my ass in gear this week, girls. I promise. You'll see some progress... finally... and hopefully it'll be an inspiration to myself (and perhaps even others) that I can still do this, still find motivation and get somewhere I want to get, even if it's just a small goal as simple as keeping myself in check for a mere week.

To week 2 of October - it's going to be a good one.

Boys, beer and baths

I've been spending a lot of time with Caro recently. She's got this whole laid back cheapskate student set up going on in North London and I've got to say, I have slightly fallen in love with the whole scene. We're officially clubbing buddies now (or just drinking buddies, in general) and between us we generally pool quite a lot of attention. I'm 5'9" and she's 5'10.5, so imagine us in heels, together, in tiny little tight dresses with our hair down... it's quite a show, and that's coming from someone who has self-esteem issues. I met her friends from her course, who are all exceedingly clever and attractive but totally lovely. There's this one guy, Nate, whom Caro and I are absolutely obsessed with. He's the ultimate sage personality - witty, charismatic, charming, enigmatic almost. But he also has this whole brooding thing going on which is totally mysterious and hot. He's pretty much a man whore to boot and has every girl on the course lusting after him... but Caro is convinced they're going to end up fucking at some point over the next four years. On other boy news, there's this guy Joshua who we met Thursday night, he's a history student and very into me. I was going to have lunch with him at the university but sort of bailed because I got freaked out. Guess I like the chase and there is none with him, so maybe I'll see if we can settle on friends because he is a really nice guy, and we have good conversations... wouldn't wanna waste that, especially not at this stage. Maybe I should just go for it. I mean I spoke to Alfie on the phone last night and all he could bring himself to talk about with me was how many girls he'd hooked up with since the beginning of freshers... fuck it, he obviously doesn't give a shit, so why should I?

I'm replacing my ex-smoking habit with a newfound drinking habit, and don't worry yourselves - it's not as bad as it was this summer, but I am definitely starting to drink more now. My tolerance has gone up a bit so it takes slightly more vodka to get me drunk... but I'm okay with that, it's better than eating at any rate. Maybe it's time to go on the Drunk Diet. Right now I'm off to visit Tina who's poorly in bed recovering from a stomach bug. I'm armed with Innocent smoothies, orange juice, fruit yogurt and pear cider - I'm officially the best friend in the world. Okay, maybe the pear cider is more for me than for her... you want to know the sick thing? Secretly I'm hoping I get ill too, so I can vomit my way into the 130s. If that's not fucked up, I don't know what is. But if anyone understands it it'll be you guys.

Love x

Disenchanted

Food today:

Slice of toast with butter, 125 cal

Coffee w soy milk and honey, 130 cal

Tuna cucumber sandwich, 380 cal

Packet of crisps, 265 cal

Diet coke, 2 cal

Pink lady apples and grapes, 65 cal

967 calories and I'm not hungry for anything else today. Maybe I'll have alcohol for dinner. I'm not really thinking about food right now nor am I making particularly healthy choices; I don't have the money. I was so broke today I couldn't get into school. I ate white bread for Christ's sake... and crisps... I mean really what is happening to me. 

I'm really depressed but for other reasons besides my weight... of course that's not helping, but the main issue is that things are really difficult at home. I feel like ever since I've been back in London I haven't been able to connect with my mother at all. I've been a little bitch to be honest and she hasn't exactly been pleasant back. I don't like the way I'm behaving at all, it's not like me. I thought I'd moved past it, that's all. I mean I've lived with my mum for a long time now, just the two of us I mean, and we've had the best relationship, totally calm and non aggressive so I don't know what's happened. I don't know, I feel like I've completely lost my relationship with her in the space of 2 weeks or something, it's horrible. I know that can't possibly be true but it feels so bad between us right now. She's aggressive towards me regarding my accomplishments and failures and keeps going on about how I'm not doing anything with my life and I squander every opportunity, that she's had to 'put up with me all year' and basically acts like I bring everything on myself. That makes me aggressive with her in response and I end up saying things to her I don't really mean, all because I'm unhappy with myself. i've just become sort of cynical and disenchanted with everything and I guess I need to go somewhere or do something that will change that. Ever since going to Amsterdam for the 2nd time I've realised I really want to get away from London. It's like I have the travel bug or something. I feel like I'm sitting in this hole waiting to escape to uni, while all my friends are moving on with their lives. There is nothing for me here right now. 

Speaking of university, I went to visit Caro last night before we went to this university party at a club in town. She's living in halls in North London so I met her flatmates and we hung out with them for a bit, it was nice. We bought this vanilla vodka stuff that was actually amazing so we had a lot of that with diet coke for pre-drinks. By the time we got on a tube to central I was so bloated it was unreal, like I actually felt sick from the chocolate and crisps I'd had before we went out. Mental reminder to never eat the hour before I go clubbing. I think I did it because I was subconsciously pre-empting a late night drunken binge, so I shovelled my face full of crap early thinking I'd be eating all night so 'why the crap not' kind of thing. Turns out being in a club full of sweaty bodies dancing for 3 hours straight is the ultimate remedy for weight loss... Jesus, what a work out. Even though I'm 145.2 lbs this morning after eating junk - so not exactly skinny - I can feel my muscles tensed up from all the dancing. It's sort of addictive. I didn't actually drink in the club, except for downing 4 glasses of ice cold water at the bar over the course of the evening. I'd had about 300 calories work of vodka beforehand and I purposely only brought enough money for the bus journey home.

Now I want to talk about the feeling I got when I was at this party... wow, I don't think I'd felt like that in a long long time. It was such a rush! I was dancing away in the middle of this huge cesspit of sweaty bodies and I was on this platform with Caro, higher than the crowd, everyone was looking at us, and all the boys were looking at us wantonly. This one guy actually tried to stick his tongue down my throat and the minute that happened I was completely revolted and freaked out, so I've deduced that I like the attention but I'm not really ready for random college dudes trying to get it on with me. I texted Alfie today. He says he really misses me and definitely wants me to visit soon. Makes me realise what a decent guy he is. 

Stoptober is going good in terms of I haven't smoked once since Sunday night. It's going bad in the sense that nicotine withdrawal is really not doing me any favours. Personally I think I should make it 'Stop being such a bitch-tober' in conjunction with the quitting smoking.

I believe I'm going out of London tomorrow to see Tina and visit her in halls, then straight back for theatre. Thursday I'm gonna make up the hours from school that I missed today (which I feel terribly guilty about). Weight wise I need to get back to 142, then 135, then lower. I also want to go clubbing again.