Just a number

^ Should really try to remember this, sometimes.

Day 2

Day 2 is going smoothly. I had to take yet ANOTHER day off school because I figured that 2 days isn't enough time to finish all my coursework. Having said that, it's 3pm, and I still haven't started work. I'm going to write this blog post then do an hour of work, solidly, no breaks. I should be able to wrap up my essay and start work on the second text if I really knuckle down. I'm babysitting from 5-8 which is before her bed time so I won't be able to get much done over there. Kind of annoying. But at least I'm getting paid... one of my goals was to save up some money for the summer, so the £20 I earn tonight, although not much, will go straight in the holiday kitty.

Oh and I phoned Virgin Active! So exciting. Me and Charlie are going to get a one month pass in July and go every day (I think I've mentioned this). We also get a student discount which is awesome. I need to wait until Charlie is next free and then we can pay together. I can't wait to start working out properly, it's gonna be so good :)

Actually, here's a funny story for you. When I was 16, my parents actually signed me up to Virgin Active because my dad went there and they thought it would 'improve my mood' (so Victorian). I think I probably also had a moment of clarity and asked for a membership, thinking I'd lose weight and be more mature by going to the gym. But for the most part, I didn't appreciate the benefits of exercise back then and hated any physical activity with a passion, not to mention I was a lazy lazy teenager, so I went ONCE and that was it!! I can't believe I didn't appreciate it or take the opportunity back then. The next time I join a gym I will have to pay for it all myself. 

Anyway, moving on. I was 141.4 lbs this morning, and I definitely felt thinner than yesterday, so I assume the 141.4 I saw yesterday was a fluke (especially since I saw the number 142.8 flash up at me a couple of times.) Depressing... but I will take 142.8 as my start weight. For breakfast, I had my usual 8oz of grapefruit juice, an iced vanilla latte (yum) and a slice of toasted granary bread. My lunch was so epic and pretty I had to take a picture of it... 

2 hard-boiled eggs, baby spinach, iceberg lettuce, cherry tomatoes, baby carrots, strawberries, blackberries and a clementine. On the side I had some reduced fat salad cream to dip my veggies in. It was delicious and took me about 20 minutes to eat because I was occupied. Finger food <3 

      

Ooh... Caro's just texted me to invite me as her +1 to this party next Friday. There's this really wealthy boy who some of my friends know and he has a gigantic house in central London. Every time I hear about a party there it sounds nuts... all the girls strip down to bikinis (he has a jacuzzi apparently) and vodka be a-flowing. I'm fucking BORED! And I haven't had any action since the start of this year... plus I really need to catch up with Caro. Big time. So even more reason for me to look fucking hot by the end of next week. If any items of clothing are going to be removed, everything needs to be up to scratch, slim and toned. If I could be 136 by that time, that would be excellentttt. Well I'm just going to have to work my butt off before then. 

All I can think of, is dropping weight. The 20 lbs I want to lose by mid-summer. The amount I want to work out before it gets extremely hot in this country and everyone starts walking around in crop tops and high waisted shorts. I can't stop thinking about it. Over and over and over. Numbing everything out. I'm abandoning this stupid plan I drew up the other night... it's pointless and just gives me more excuses to self-sabotage and get further away from my goals. I need to set up a proper schedule, STOP eating after 7pm and just get my head screwed on straight. Me and Charlie are joining a Virgin Active gym club near her house in July, because we have a whole month to waste and might as well use the time to shape up. We're gonna be gym-ing it as much as possible and eating clean. I'll be taking my art A level, she'll have her photography, I'm investigating more work experience in the film/threatre department, and both of us are gonna have a shot at the modelling thing. We're gonna travel and be free and look, permanently, like gorgeous models off duty. Life is going to work out. Next year will be beautiful, and I will make my life into a piece of art.

Lost track of how many times I've posted today. I just stepped on the scales to make myself feel even worse about my binge. 144.8 lbs. At nearly 2 in the morning. That means I will have gained two fucking pounds MINIMUM tomorrow. I think I need to stop blogging until I am in the 130s again. I'm miserable like this and have nothing inspiring or motivational to say, I'm just a mess. I feel like I need to just go with my instincts again. For a little while. I love you all and see you soon. <3

Stand still look pretty

Sup girlies. Wellll, I just got back from the casting about an hour ago - it went really well :) I doubt I won or anything but I don't even care - I loved the experience. It was mostly waiting around and butterflies, and then we were in and out in 10 minutes, ridiculous. But I found out I was whittled down to 20 from 300 applicants which is insane. What a compliment. I woke up at 142.6 which put me in a grump but the minute I did my makeup and put on my heels I felt attractive, and nothing else really mattered. I hardly ever feel beautiful and I have felt beautiful all day. It was such a treat.

Food so far has gone like this:

B: Small all-butter croissant (170 kcal)

S: Vegan seed bar, a handful of raisins & a lollipop (180 kcal)

L: Couscous with veggies & sweet chilli sauce (300 kcal)

S: 2 sugar-free Maria cookies with 1 tbsp PB (170 kcal)

And dinner will be a Snickers ice cream (277) because I bought one earlier when it was boiling hot thinking I wanted something cold... and I had a peanut craving. Now it's raining and cold. The weather in London is so bipolar...

I loved being in Central London this morning so, so much. As I walked to the tube station, 5'11 in my heels with a cigarette in one hand and my bag in the other, I knew people were noticing me and it felt amazing. It made me think 'this could be my life next year, or in my twenties'. I definitely want to spend a lot more time up in Central, wearing gigantic heels and amazing fur coats and having some money to spend, maybe. I feel like if I lost just a few more lbs I could actually look good. I've never thought that before. If you told me a year ago I would have been narrowed down from 300 applicants to 20 for a top magazine, at 142.6 lbs, I would have laughed in your face.

That's all for now. I have got to finish my language coursework and get myself ready for school tomorrow! Now that I know I can handle a model casting and not die, I feel I can handle anything.

Day four

Final intake for today:

B: Porridge with cinnamon and sultanas 250 kcal

S: Mango, passion fruit & goji berry smoothie 120 kcal

L: Salad with lettuce, grapes, celery, sultanas & Russian dressing 250 kcal

S: Orange and carrot juice 236 kcal

D: Couscous with red pepper, onion and petit pois 300 kcal

T: 1156 kcal

I just beautified myself for the casting tomorrow and I am So. Scared. I don't even know why, it's not like I have to make any public speeches or prove how intelligent I am... just turn up, walk, smile, leave. But it's like everyone there is going to be judging me, seeing my body... but I guess that's what modelling is all about, isn't it. People seeing your body.

I'll probably run out screaming or faint or die or something. If I'm not here tomorrow evening you'll know why.

^ Wish I could be her.

142.0 and a long rant about R

Crisis averted... Last night my mini binge seemed to make me drop 0.8 of a lb. Well, I am definitely not complaining. Progress so far looks like this:

Day 1: 143.6lbs

Day 2: 142.6lbs

Day 3: 142.8lbs

Day 4: 142.0lbs

Last night, something funny happened to me. At about half eleven, whilst talking to Tina, I suddenly got very depressed. I think in part it was down to the fact that I'd been on a semi-manic high after finishing my English coursework, but also because we started talking about Rebecca. Apparently she contacted another girl who she's friends with (whom none of us really like) and told her she's not coming back this year. And everyone seemed to know about this apart from me. Maybe it wasn't a depressed feeling, I don't know... more like this really uneasy feeling in my stomach that felt like dread, or hurt, or anger, or... something. I felt, of course, hurt and angry that she hadn't texted me since I left her a message saying I'd got out of hospital - and that was over two months ago. No one (or as far as I was aware) had heard a peep out of her since February, when she was going seriously off the rails again. I guess I knew somewhere that it would be unlikely for her to show her face for the last 6 weeks of school, especially since she's repeating the year in Autumn and has no obligation to take a single exam. She'd said she was going to take one to keep her from going insane, but I take it she went back on that decision. Anyway, it just hurt that she hadn't texted me even to ask if I was OK, if I was keeping out of hospital and whether or not I was still alive for crying out loud. I've always done the same for her. We were like, joined at the hip. And I started thinking, does she even miss me? Does she even want to know me anymore? Or is she so far gone, we don't even enter her mind? What does she do all day, now she has no duties, no friends? It made me sad and angry. And then the worst bit. She was always trying to drag me down with her, towards the end. She said she wished I wouldn't go to uni this Autumn so that she wouldn't be alone in London for a year. And I always thought, well, I never signed up for a competitive friendship, but I'm going to beat her. I'm going to prove that I have purpose, drive, focus. The determination to get out of this place and start my life, even though I've been so dreadfully ill, and even though I've missed more school than she has. But no. She's won. She gets to be 103 lbs, She gets to sit here for another year and rub her hands together in glee when she finds out I'm NOT going away this year. Just like her. And I felt so ANGRY, like I'd lost, lost the worst, most cruel, unfair competition out there. I'm already upset and resentful that I don't get to be a student this year. The fact that Rebecca always secretly wanted me to 'fail' at that just added fuel to the fire. I didn't cry. I let this peculiar, nasty feeling wash over me as I sat in bed and said goodbye to my friend. Then I had to do something - just anything - to get this monkey off my back. I ended up staying awake till 3 watching old episodes of My So-Called Life to distract me. It worked. A little miracle called escapism happened.

And this morning, I feel tons better. I've slept well, the number on the scale's gone down, and even though I won't be on target for 140 lbs tomorrow, I feel OK about it. 

B: Porridge with cinnamon and sultanas 250 kcal

S: Mango, passion fruit & goji berry smoothie 120 kcal

L: Celery & grape salad with Russian dressing 200 kcal

S: Orange & carrot juice 136 kcal

D: Couscous with peppers, onions & petit pois 400 kcal

T: 1106 kcal

And I'm going to be finishing my English language coursework which hopefully won't be too hard on me. I've only got 600 more words to write so praying I'll breeze through it! And no eating after 8 o'clock tonight as I have an early start and I don't want to feel bloated for the casting.

Yet another...

...binge. I don't know what's wrong with me, honestly.

IT'S OVER!

(The lit coursework, that is... not the whole deal).

BUT THE LIT COURSEWORK IS OVER! I can't tell you happy this makes me... I feel like I have just given birth after months of pain and misery. Weird analogy, but quite honestly that's how it is.

Food is going to be a massive FLOP today because during the stressful stages leading up to my deadline I started munching... but here we go:

10am. Blood orange juice drink

12pm. Small all butter croissant

1pm. Handful of dried berries & nuts, 1 spelt cracker (tastes like freaking MDF)

2pm. 2 sticks of cranberry cheese

3pm. Half a big bowl of salad (lettuce, celery, pepper, grapes, tortilla chips, Russian dressing) and a celebratory campari & OJ

Fuck me that's already a lot of food. Well. Plan for the rest of the day = the other half of the salad and a cup of coffee. That's it. Then the whole day won't come to any more than 1200 calories and I'll be sure to lose tomorrow :) Oh, I just found out we're not going out tonight. The weather is shit (Isobel - I pray you weren't outside in the buckets of rain and hail today! Stay wrapped up indoors), everyone has work and two of our friends are (weirdly) abroad (? I wish I was abroad) so yeah it's not happening. Which is good in a way because it means I can just go on a long long walk all by my lonesome in the rain and have the rest of my pack of Camel cigarettes. No requirements to stuff my face. Pure love.

Plan for the weekend iiiis,

Saturday-finish English language coursework & buy a pair of heels and a t-shirt for the casting. (Maybe a little coffee/juice/salad fast in preparation for Sunday?)

Sunday-a.m. casting, then chill for the rest of the day granted coursework is done, and have dinner with my sis and mum in the p.m.

Sounds good to me! Shooting for 141 tomorrow, then 140 for Sunday - and hopefully 139 for Monday, when school starts up. Happy days.

Love you all, I can now catch up on blogs xx

Day three

It's Friday bitches!

Urghhh I have a headache.

SO. 10 am. I have so much fucking work to do. Still! I 'finished' my coursework last night - by that I mean the main bulk of the essay. Now I have to go back in and add some more lit crit and quotations, footnotes & a bibliography. I have to ship the essay off to the prof. by early pm.

Well, hallelujah I wasn't a pound above 143 this morning - I settled at a slightly better, but still horrific, 142.8. I can't believe I'm STILL in the 140s, honestly, it drives me nuts. I thought I was saying goodbye to these numbers for good two months ago. Back to the 130s we go!

Day 1: 143.6lbs

Day 2: 142.6lbs

Day 3: 142.8lbs

OK so for breakfast I've been sipping on an ice-cold blood orange juice drink (I'm obsessed with these lately - so good) and I think the whole bottle is 300 calories. A lot I realise, but it's a big bottle and has lasted me half an hour so far. And then of course I'm not going to eat again until I'm hungry. Which, seeing as I've woken up relatively early, will probably be lunch time... I'll have a yoghurt or salad something. I'm playing it safe because we may be going out tonight and that always means food. Food and alcohol, a treacherous combination at the best of times. If on the other hand we don't go out, if people can't make it or whatever, then I'll have spare calories for something filling/healthy like spinach pasta or lentils. 

You know what I've really been craving lately? A milkshake. So bad, I know. Like a big chocolate or vanilla one from McDonalds... ughhh I am disgusting. I NEVER crave fast food. But it's the cold ice creaminess of it that I really want... ahh, summer, come to me. I can't wait to be drinking cocktails on a beach in Spain or wine in Paris or smoking bongs in Amsterdam or whatever the frack me and my friends are supposed to be doing this holiday.    

You know what's just dawned on me? My summer doesn't have to 'end' in September like everyone else's does. I'm going to be 'free' for a whole year.

Stuuuupid and drunk

Had a stupid, stupid pointless binge today... I don't know if you can even call it that... more of a cupboard raid. It all started because I got into a massive rut with my essay and freaked out and I also ate something when I wasn't really hungry for it, so that spiralled into eating a lot of frozen yogurt and tortilla chips (God knows why we have those in the house) and raisins.

The essay's nearly finished but it's all muddled up and I need to totally re-structure it... it's probably going to take ages seeing as I'm now slightly drunk on the wine I just had with my mother. Haha and I also had a sneaky campari and orange when she wasn't looking because I LOVE THEM and they remind me of being in Tuscany with Kit in the heart of August.

But tomorrow night it will all be OVER and I will be able to drink to my heart's CONTENT.....

Day 1, successful

Day 1 of my 'only eating when you're hungry and when you do eat, eat wisely' diet went well. Not as well as I liked though. In total, I ate 2 celery, spinach & grape salads with Russian dressing, a protein bar, 2 handfuls of mixed dried berries and nuts, some celery with low fat hoummous, 2 spelt crackers with marmite, and 2 campari and blood orange juice cocktails in the evening with my mum. I don't know how many calories that is and I don't want to know. I was happy with most things that I ate because it's all healthy (besides the alcohol... which I needed to get me through last night) but unhappy because whilst prior to the evening I was only eating when my stomach started to rumble from hunger, the minute my mum got home I had the second salad, crackers and drinks purely because she was eating too. I have got to snap out of this.  

Either way, precisely a pound down this morning: 142.6 lbs. Bring on 141.

Today, I have got a fucking horrible set of things to do, none of which I'm interested in. Firstly, I have to finish my ENTIRE English lit essay. Yes, that awful one that's been dragging on for weeks and months. I have to re-shape my essay, re-write basically half of it, add another section because it's not nearly long enough then check how many words I have (minus quotations), add in critical references, and then voila. I'll have something to work with... but fuck me, it's a lot to do in one day. Especially since I also have to babysit from about 5.30 onwards (I'm so tempted to cancel, but I'm not going to because it means money). Tomorrow morning I have to send my finished document in, and then I have to quickly finish and send in my English language essay by 4 in the afternoon. It's going to be a horribly busy next few days. And then tomorrow night, when all this crap is over, I will enter post-traumatic bliss at the pub with my best friends.

       

In terms of eating I haven't really got a plan... I'll eat when I start to get hungry, which hasn't been yet (it's 10.30 am). Yesterday it took till 2 to get hungry :/ Well, I'm just going to listen to my body and see how it goes, hopefully drop another lb by tomorrow. Fingers crossed I'll be 140 or lower for the casting? (Not that they'll be able to notice, but it's a psychological thing).

In the fridge I have a bright selection of juices (orange, mango & goji berry smoothie; super berry smoothie; sanguinello blood orange juice; orange and carrot juice; and pomegranate juice). And I have lots of veggies and fruit for salads... celery, lettuce, peppers, grapes etc. Shouldn't go wrong. Oh, and I've designated a cleaned-out Whole Earth PB jar to an 'en cas' stash of dried berries, sultanas and nuts that will come in handy at school next week. So I'm all set for food. And there are some croissants, and some coffee. It's all good guys.

Got a call back from a modeling competition

The casting's this weekend.

Life might just be looking up.

143.6 lbs.

So I'm the same weight that I was straight after Easter weekend, which was almost two weeks ago. I'm also the same weight that I was straight after I came out of hospital, which was exactly two months ago. Fuck my life.

I love how when I came out of hospital I felt so thin at 143 lbs, and everyone in my family couldn't stop telling me how thin I looked. Haha. Now I feel like a fucking whale at 143 lbs, and I don't look 'thin' at all. It doesn't suit me anymore. I look way too curvy and totally 'average', like I don't really care about my body.

It's quarter to 12 in the morning and I haven't eaten yet, because I don't feel hungry in the slightest. What the damn hell is the point in eating if I don't even feel hungry for it? Surely that's just being greedy.

When I do feel hungry, I'll have a coffee or walk to the shops to get myself a big carrot, orange and ginger smoothie. I'm not even going to be counting calories anymore. I'm just going to eat as if I don't have all the time in the world for food, naturally and intuitively. Food is NOT my first priority at the moment, or at least it shouldn't be. I will eat when my stomach starts gnawing at me and stop when it is satisfied. A trick most of our modern-day society has never learned, or at least they've ignored it.

I would be quite happy never to count a single calorie again, actually. All it leads me to is misery and self-hatred. That kind of intense manic control - then out-of-control - is not good for my head right now. I need a simple trick, that I can stick to, and then I will begin to feel more stable and happy. At the moment, I keep having these bouts of extreme happiness followed by despair, which is absolutely NOT healthy and leads me into dark places. So I'm going to see how this goes for a while, concentrate on my work, and then when it's truly time for me to think about food, my hunger pangs will remind me. Until that point, food is meaningless and might as well not exist for all I care.

Thoughts

Everything in my life is turning to shit.  

Low-carb diet.

Cigarettes and alcohol: get pissed, work out, live.

I need to feel alive again... I just feel dead and numb. Filling the hole with food.

Fresh orange juice, fruit smoothies, small amounts of goodness.

No eating out of boredom. Eat only when hunger gnaws. Can't go wrong like that.

Now I know why I'm so frustrated. I'm can't feel happy because I'm not thin and I can't feel sad because there is a whole other life waiting for me.

Positive outlook

Meal #1: 1 slice of toasted fruit bread w 2 tbsp Whole Earth natural PB 309 kcal

Meal #2: strawberry liquorice stick and a piece of chocolate (naughty) 251 kcal

Meal #3: mixed fresh salad with French dressing 96 kcal

Meal #4: dried berries, raisins & currants 200 kcal

Meal #5: pineapple and passion fruit cottage cheese 135 kcal

Meal #6: 1 tbsp PB and a fruit bar 250 kcal

Exercise: 1 hr walking -250 kcal, 30 Day Shred -200 kcal

Net: 1241-450 = 791 kcal

Decisions

I hate how the culmination of a lot of very extreme feelings always ends in a binge, or a meltdown. I came to a decision about my exams today. One that permits me far less trauma but requires another year in London. I will have to finalise this decision with the school, but once it has been sorted, I will divulge to you the details, and I will be able to come to terms with everything and move forward. So far, I have been completely in the lurch with all my work, not knowing which exams I'm going to take, and refusing to allow myself to even consider the probability that I wouldn't get in this year. But, if I feel like it's in my control and I'm not going this year because *I* say so, I will begin to come to terms with it, and stop feeling as if something has been taken away from me.

Everything was going well until about half an hour ago, when I decided to eat a load of chocolate, nuts, and cheese. Ugh.

It's on. To be quite frank, I like my blemishes and quirks at the moment. I like that I don't have a perfectly symmetrical face, and no tits. I give up trying to hide who I am. I see my weight as holding me back. When I'm unhappy with my weight I have to compensate with all these things, like make-up, and specifically flattering clothes. 

Elle pleure

@JustAnotherOrdinaryGirl - Wow can't believe you're back! I missed you so much. And I could never be mad don't be silly. And - it's actually a Waterhouse, The Lady Of Shallot. But he ripped off Millais. 

This is going to be long, so either brace yourselves and grab a 20 calorie cup of coffee with creamer and sweetener to wake you up through all the boring parts, or run, run just as fast as you're able - in the words of Morphine.

Last night was hell. I was up until 3 crying. In fact, seeing as I don't remember stopping crying, I probably cried myself to sleep. Usually when I get upset like that, there's always something to make me feel better eventually. A film or phonecall. But these things just made me bawl my eyes out even more. I found my phone and tried to call my dad as he can usually sort me out in a jiffy... and he didn't pick up. Instead he sent me a text saying, 'Darling it's too late to talk, we'll speak tomorrow morning'. This made me cry harder, because I noticed from my missed call list that he'd been trying to phone me all day. It was too late to phone anyone else I cared about, and my mum was picking up her boyfriend from the airport - she didn't want to be bothered with it. So feeling, irrationally, like neither of my parents wanted to know, I began to watch 'Poor Little Rich Girl' - the Warhol film, with Sedgwick, the one where half is out of focus.  It's just some blurry footage of Edie going about her business, talking mindless crap about nothing in particular, which goes on for ages and in front of which you can sort of numb out to. But I was crying (get this) over the tragedy of the whole thing - how she had died before she'd even turned thirty.So Edie couldn't make me feel better, it was too late to call anyone and pour my heart and soul out to some unfortunate recipient on the other end of the line, and it was also too late to start playing music (I'd lost my headphones). And I just kept thinking about everything, over and over again, playing it on a loop, torturing myself, until I guess I fell asleep from exhaustion.

So, you'll probably all want to hear what I was crying my eyes out about (or perhaps you won't... but the assumption's been made, considering you've read up until this point). As some less recent readers will know, I've been in a bit of a predicament with my work, due to being in hospital earlier this year and therefore missing a LOT of school. The first part of my predicament goes like this:

1. I got sick and had to leave school 'temporarily' (or, rather, indefinitely) to recuperate and get better after an emergency admission to hospital.

2. I was a vegetable for about two months before I could bring myself to contemplate working, or seeing my friends, or actually even going down the road to buy a can of coke.

3. It was discussed that perhaps my A Levels should be put on hold until next year, when I was 'myself' again and had regained the mental energy required to take any exams.

4. Then I got an interview at my top university. I went to the interview, absolutely killed it, and got offered a place. 

5. Motivated by the prospect of going off to uni this Autumn and studying, I decided (stubbornly, and against advice, might I add) to take all 3 of my exams this year with the slim chance that I might be able to succeed.

6. I received my 'Easter bundle' of work a month ago from my teachers, who were all supportive, albeit a little horrified, of my decision to take the exams in the first place. 2 large pieces of English coursework, a ton of reading and close text analysis, and I was handed an empty art book, expected to fill at least half of it on my own. Of course, this was all my decision, so I thought I could just take responsibility and do it if there might be a chance I succeeded.

7. Today, I sit here 3 days before the beginning of the summer term, during which I am expected to attend school IF I INTEND TO SIT MY EXAMS AND PASS. I have written only half of my English literature coursework essay, and a minute fraction of my language essay. (Both these essays are due on Tuesday, and this is a final, external deadline). I haven't read my texts as I was supposed to. I hardly even know the stories so I can't rely on that. I haven't - touched - my art book. Not even opened it. It is still 60 plain pages of impeccable white-ness. I don't even have a subject for it. You know what my mind makes of this? - A big, fat, whopping great failure.

8. ... When in reality, I haven't been able to work as efficiently because my work brain is out of practice, I haven't been in school since January, I'm still not physically up to scratch and I haven't had an ounce of tuition or guidance over Easter. I'm TIRED.

The second part goes like this:   

1. My dad says 'I can do it if I just put my mind to it', which is great and encouraging and stuff, and makes me feel I DO have a chance at going away this year, as it's only a case of 'putting my mind to it'. But what he doesn't understand is how it just translates to pressure in my head. Like when he says, 'I know you'll go this year, you'll absolutely love it, it'll be such a great experience for you', I think, 'Well what the hell if I don't bloody get in, which, let's face it, is an 80% chance... I bet you'll be disappointed then. Hooray. As if my own disappointment in myself isn't enough'.

2. While I feel like my father can sometimes overestimate my capabilities, my mother, it seems, underestimates them. Every time I break down over my work, she tells me I shouldn't bother with this, that I'm not up to sitting a single exam this year, or at least not all 3, and that 'she had to go through exactly the same thing when she was eighteen' and blah blah blah, and that I should seriously consider re-considering. On one hand, she is very right. She sees that I am struggling, that my physical health is still not the greatest, and believes it is the 'right thing' to discourage me from trying to take three, very difficult, exams this June. But on the other hand, even contemplating the idea that I might not get to go to university until I'm 20, along with the idea of that meaning having to re-apply and re-interview and all of the other crap that goes along with the whole ordeal, is fucking miserable. And so I hate her every time she tells me this isn't a good idea.

3. And, therefore, I am faced with this permanent ambivalence, both in my own head, and in the minds of others - my teachers, my mother, my father. My friends. Everyone has two fucking opinions about it. No one knows what is best for me. I don't even know what's best for me - or whether what's 'best' for me is even important or relevant in this situation.

The numbers game helps. 140.8 this morning, only .2 of a lb down from yesterday even though I busted my fat ass exercising and eating healthily. Better than a gain at any rate. 1000 calories today and get as near to finishing my literature essay as possible. Things will seem better in the morning.

Breakthrough?

Well, I'm not gonna lie, I pretty much killed it today. After a really bad day yesterday, I've mended myself with good foods and exercise. Today's calorie count came to 1163, made up of fresh fruit smoothie, probiotic yoghurt, nuts, stuffed bell peppers, salami, a croissant, iced coffee, and plenty of water. I ran for 10 minutes and found out how unfit I really am. I also wrote 1,000 words of my essay. I'm happy with today. Tomorrow, there will be sit-ups.

I still have a long way to go, but it's a start. Please forgive the matching PJs!  

Kick up the butt

Last night, I stayed up and read this blog from back to front. I've seen this girl's name in several places and finally decided to check her out, and she's pretty inspirational.

And it got me thinking. Whatever happened to exercise? 

I've been kidding myself that I won't have to do any exercise to make this work - to shift those last 19 pounds. I've been kidding myself that this is going to be easy... eat 3 meals a day, stop snacking, and the rest of the time just laze around and simply *expect* the weight to drop off. 20 minute jogs around the park start now. 

Looking elegant and French will be a by-product.

Binge.

The first one in... ages. Excluding Easter weekend, which wasn't really bingeing, so much as overeating.

Crackers, cheese, salami, hoummous, juice, yoghurt, peanuts.

What the fuck? Why do I do this to myself. I didn't even WANT it for Christ's sake. And it's not like I can compensate with laxatives, or fasting, like I used to, because then I am breaking the promises I have made to my therapists and myself. 

Well, I can forget about being 'ahead of schedule' or whatever. Because clearly I'm now going to be a pound - or more - behind schedule. Clearly, I WANT to mess up, big-time.

I MUST finish my literature essay tonight, because then at least I will have achieved SOMETHING with my day.

I am so angry at myself right now. Why do I even bother?

Easter BE GONE!

So I weighed in today... and I'm back at 140.4 :D Oh yes. I've been patient and it's worked: the Easter weight is coming off with no problems.

Yesterday was appalling. I did virtually nothing all. day. long. Then at 9 o'clock I tapped out 500 words in about 15 minutes. My brain is so weird. Today I'm hoping I will be tapping out much more, starting from now. No excuses. No procrastination. Come on, Gabby, you can do this.

So far today:

B: Cinnamon pastry, Starbucks iced vanilla latte

L: Potato dauphinoise, diet pepsi

I will be having an iced mocha for dinner, and that's it.

Oh to be Eva

Oh to be Eva Green...

This afternoon I went for a short walk - no longer than 45 minutes. It was too hot to walk for longer. As I was walking along I felt like I was drifting, floating in a dream. Everything felt so dull and protracted and heady. I felt strangely numb, like nothing could touch me, but also fragile, as if the smallest sound could knock me over. I heard the distant sound of a car and it was uncomfortable.

I ended up buying an 8 pack of diet pepsi (1 calorie in each can) and 3 iced coffees from Tesco.

I find that when I'm strict with my diet, I become more organised and disciplined in other areas of my life, for example my work. I am more focused when I am in control of my food. I wish it wasn't like that, but we have to work with what we've got, right?

I know that if I stick to my plan, my quality of life will improve drastically. I'll become happier, want to go out more and concentrate better on my studies, therefore achieving more and living my life to the fullest. I will be able to wear clothes that make me feel attractive and confident, rather than drowning in oversized tops and jumpers meant for the winter, all to cover up my huge hips and horrible curvy shape. I will be able to show myself off and reach my full potential. And, I will be able to enjoy myself once school is over. Oh, and lie on a beach somewhere, smoking vogues, of course.

If God was a food

If God was a food...

Managed to do some work yesterday, that was good. Maybe I'll get some more done today. Here's hoping.

B: Cinnamon pastry (270 kcal), ruby breakfast juice (95 kcal), 1 tbsp nutella (80 kcal)

L: Potato dauphinoise (300 kcal), strawberry yoghurt (130 kcal), diet coke (0 kcal)

D: 5 cheese crackers (100 kcal), selection of cheeses (500 kcal), salami (30 kcal)

Total: 1505 calories

Was 142.8 lbs this morning. Still not good enough. I don't know why I had to gain so much weight this weekend. I worked out it's going to take me until Saturday to get back in the 130s, and that's assuming I lose a lb a day.

Also, I discovered that to reach a BMI of 18, I must weigh 122 lbs. So that is going to be my new GW. I know, it keeps getting lower and lower. But anything above the 120s is just too close to this rebound weight range of mine, which I loathe so very much. I want to be able to remain under 130 lbs even after a weekend of bad eating. 130 lbs will not suffice, and nor will 126. So, BMI 18 here I come. Only 20 more lbs to go. 

OFG

Operation French Girl has begun once again. And this time, I will succeed.

B: Hazelnut yoghurt (161 kcal), 1 slice of toasted granary bread (84 kcal), butter (50 kcal), ruby breakfast juice (95 kcal), 1/2 chocolate brioche (65 kcal)

L: 2 slices edam (158 kcal), 3 slices salami (90 kcal), cherry tomatoes (20 kcal), coleslaw with vinaigrette (220 kcal), raspberries (30 kcal)

S: 1/2 mocha (40 kcal), diet coke (0 kcal), gooseberry yoghurt (205 kcal), small handful of peanuts (50 kcal)

D: 5 cheese crackers (100 kcal), butter (30 kcal), cheese (150 kcal)

Total: 1548 calories

Am breaking into my essay. Breaking it down. Into smaller sections that I can manage. Hoping to finish final draft by tomorrow night. Then Thursday I can start my art and English language.

Lost in the woods

Soooo work is fucking shit, I can't get anything done and I'm seriously scared I won't be able to force myself to make the deadlines. I'm depressed. And ill. I can't hear out of one ear and my throat hurts like a bitch. Tonsillitis better not be round the corner otherwise I will kick off and run away to Venezuela. I weighed 143.2 lbs this morning. Ick, ick, ick. Post-hospital weight wasn't it? All that hard work for nothing. My dad is being lovely and trying to be helpful, calling me up and checking how I am. But he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand the pressure he is putting on me every time he tells me 'You can do it!' or 'You always pull through in the end' or 'I'm so excited for you to be at university, you will have such a great time there'. He doesn't get that there is a huge chance I won't be able to pull through this time. Or that I will feel like a failure of a human being if I have to stay here for another year.   

As it stands, I still have to write my literature essay, start my language coursework from scratch, come up with my art idea, and produce a minimum of 20 pages of detailed work in my book. I can't even bring myself to write one sentence let alone do all this. My mum is saying she thinks I should give up. Resign myself to not taking my exams this summer, because I am torturing myself over it. Push and pull, torn in two directions. This constant ambivalence is killing me. I wish things were just straight-forward. I want to go to university but I can't bring myself to do the work. I don't know if it's a mental block, or energy levels, or self-sabotage, or what. But it's messing up everything.

I'm back to 3 square meals a day, each no more than 500 calories. Thoughts of elegance and grace and discipline. They will get me through.

What. The. Fuck.

Right, well, I am home now, and I have officially lost all faith in my metabolism. Pre-holiday weight? 138 lbs. Post-holiday weight...

145.6 lbs. Fuck everything. 

I just feel so ashamed. I don't know what to do. 

Where did French Girl go?

My dad, his girlfriend and the baby have gone out for lunch, and me and my sister are 'working' in the sitting room. Neither of us can concentrate :S But anyway. Yes. Life. Yesterday was marginally better in terms of eating, although I still went rather OTT on the food front. We went out for dinner to this lovely restaurant and I got a goat's cheese walnut and beetroot salad. It had 2 huge bits of garlic bread on the side but I totally ignored them. Small victories, huh? Also, my hair set alight! It was terrifying! There was a candle on the ledge next to my head and my sister smelt burning and was like 'YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE!!!' Yep, genuinely had a huge fucking panic attack in the middle of a restaurant. Good times.

So yesterday was just over 2,000 cals, bleh. Today I will not exceed 1,800. Even though it is Easter Sunday and I've already had 1,000 cals worth of chocolate eggs. Oops. Me and my sis are gonna go to this vintage sweet shop down the road. I miss that sense of discipline I was just managing to get a grip on. 

OK, so it turns out I AM able to connect to the internet here, but it's just gonna be a quick one because my sister and my dad are in the room and keep walking past! Well, things and stuff, so it's lovely here, and the cottage and town are beautiful, as is the shore... but, I am FREAKING OUT! There is no getting away from food in this place. Yesterday I think I had about 3,000 calories, and that's not an exaggeration. We were eating throughout the car journey, which was 5 hours of sitting on my backside with the odd cigarette/loo break, all these family size bags of sweets and chocolate (lethal), sandwiches, the lot. Then I was eating Easter chocolate and honey-glazed nuts (also lethal) all afternoon. I thought I could play it safe and have salad for dinner but we had lasagne. I looked preggers at the end of the day and am still really bloated. I'm gonna try and stick to 2,000 calories today seeing as there is food at every goddamn corner... I'm so glad I live with my mum, where eating carrots for breakfast lunch and dinner is perfectly acceptable. My dad and skinny sister can pack away as much as they like but it leaves me feeling quite revolting. The only good thing is I can smoke however much I want as both of them are smoking here too. Well, I've probably gained about 5 lbs already so I look forward to a horrible weigh-in upon returning to London. Gah!

Last update until next week

So, tomorrow has turned out to be epically busy, because not only do I have to pack, shave my legs, wash my hair and get myself to my dad's for the night, I also have a blood test scheduled mid to late morning, AND a possible follow-up appointment at the eating disorders clinic in the afternoon. This shit be hectic. I've had a bit of a stressful day; things are feeling very out of control in the work department, and I got upset realising the reality of the situation - that there is a only a tiny margin of possibility that I'll get to leave this October. It makes me so depressed to think of all the effort I put into things like personal statement, getting offers from all 4 of my unis, and doing the interview, only to have to repeat the whole process next year. We'll see how it all pans out. Right now, I have to work my motherfucking butt off, and that means taking this literature essay on holiday, unfortunately, as I no longer have tomorrow to finish up.

Right now I'm chilling in bed with a diet coke, watching LA Ink. I don't know why I like it. I'm not even a big fan of tattoos, not on myself anyway - I would never get one - although it is sort of fun watching other people get them done.. Also I kind of like watching the skinny hip girls in Los Angeles go about their business. It's such a fucked up place with a lot of fucked up people, but I find it so interesting somehow. I'd love to go there, when I'm older and can legally drink in the US. It would be pointless going there now, underage and with no money. Wanna hit the clubs!

Kat Von D is my height too. 5'9" BOOM. And she weighs 130 lbs allegedly.

So I've decided I want to be 134 lbs on the first day back at school. I just need something to give me that little boost to make me feel better about everything, you know? Something to cling onto. I don't want to go back to school stressed about my weight, AND my work. One is enough. I have been naughty and had some chocolate mini eggs after supper this evening, so I doubt I'll be below 138 tomorrow, but as long as I'm not over, I don't really mind. Maybe, if I'm good this weekend, I'll be rewarded with a small loss when I hop on the scales next week? Who knows. I just want that feeling of validation, like something is going right in my life.

Day 6

The French discipline is paying off because this morning I was 138.2 lbs! Woo.

That's over a lb lost since yesterday. I am a very happy Easter bunny.

Well today I have really got to knuckle down. I'm scared I'm not gonna finish my draft by tomorrow, but I'll do my best. It would be a shame to have to bring the essay on holiday to finish, as I really just want to chill out and read my set texts there, but if I don't get this done by tomorrow afternoon I will have to. I need to pack too! I don't know about you guys, but I really dislike packing. Maybe it's because it reminds you of how much you hate the way you look in all of your clothes. Urgh. Oh well, skinny here I come.

Not much else to update on today, life is a bit boring, as ever! Oh and I don't think I'll get internet by the sea, so I won't be able to blog until some time early next week :( Cry cry.

Day 5

Feeling a little sluggish today, but I remembered that the attitude I am trying to adopt is one of refined elegance, grace, and discipline. So I swept my hair back, put on some jeans and a blouse, tidied up my face with a touch of concealer and mascara, and voila. I feel ready to work.

139.2 lbs this morning. It's getting tiring but I'm not going to give up. I just wish my body didn't want to stay at these unseemly numbers for such extended periods of time. Is it too much to want to see a 138 already?

I was looking back on some old, rather undesirable photographs of myself at higher weights. I thought I'd share my own 'before and after' version with you all - just so you can know how disgusting I was in the 150s. (And, for desperate sake of anonymity, please don't re-post or save this picture? I know none of you will... but, yeah, I'm paranoid :S)

Mm, attractive! Not. SO glad I don't look like the first pic any more... Jesus. For the record, on the left I am 152 lbs (not even my highest weight - eww) and on the right I'm 138. I still think I look pretty disgusting in the recent one, to be honest with you. Wait... let me try to find one from my LW days...

130 lbs

126 lbs

Day 4

Another sunny day :) Later this afternoon, if the weather is still this beautiful (and if I get enough work done), I think I will go and sit on the green with a coffee and a rug and one of my books :) Love.

Well I have set myself several little aims for myself this month. My first aim is to get to 137 lbs by Friday, which is when I go away to the sea. Sea-side holidays usually mean paddling (or swimming, if it's warm enough) - and fish and chips, eek... so hopefully by losing a few lbs I will be motivated to take better care of my figure while I'm there, and avoid the grease. A lot of damage can be done in 4 days! My second aim is also to have my English literature coursework essay finished by the time I leave, and to have made a detailed plan for my art book. When I'm away, I will try to read Paradise Lost Books 1&2 and The Duchess of Malfi, and also make a start on my English language coursework. Then in the last week of my holiday, I will dedicate my time to my artwork, and finishing the language essay.

My second aim is to lose 10 lbs this month. So on the 1st May, I want to weigh 129 lbs. I don't think that's unreasonable. Anyone who wants to join, we could make it like a little challenge :) Nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition!

And, of course, my aim for this month is (as ever) working super hard so I can get the grades I need to go away in the summer. I'm just going to apply the French way of life to everything I do. Discipline, discipline, discipline. In all areas.

I also want to wave au-revoir to the 140s FOR GOOD. I really hate them and I've worked so hard to get out of them - I want to stay out! I feel happy about this plan. I know that eventually it will carry me to a healthy, low weight - after all, it works for all those skinny French girls you see wandering around Paris! And I know I can keep it up for as long as I want. It's not a fad, and it's definitely not a starvation diet - I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Quality, not quantity applies here.

Day 3

Happy April Fool's Day everyone! Don't believe anything you hear today ;)

OK, so I started the new month back in the 130s! I can't tell you how happy that makes me, it's like a new start. Slate wiped clean. I want April to be a month filled with beaucoup d'élégance et de succès. Lots of work, lots of weight loss, beautiful food, and beautiful outfits.

Today:

Breakfast

Blueberry probiotic yogurt-165

Banana-150

Strawberry & banana smoothie-121

Lunch

Boiled egg-90

Coleslaw-100

Steamed veggies-113

Bread roll-167

Butter=50

Dinner

1/2 iced mocha-75

Dark chocolate-115

2 pieces bread-140

Butter-50

Bacon-180

Snack

Gum-30

Diet coke-0

=1,526 calories

I want to take a pic of the dress I bought, but my camera battery is dead. If I find it later I'll take a photo :)

Work is so dull. Arghhh I hate coursework.

That's all for today cherps, hope you are well. x