Vegan reboot, jangled nerves

Going on another little plant-based moment. Caro hates it. She says that vegan ham is sacrilege, a shadow, which I'm inclined to agree with. Her diet largely consists of smoked meats, blue cheese, liver pate and anything with butter. To be fair, these things are delicious. But for the sake of my health, I'm going back to my vegan ways, at least for a little while. I'm excited to see if, in combination with cutting my antidepressant down, this leads to weight loss and possiblyyy hormone re-balancing. I hope to God it will. 

5mg is hard. I sort of feel like my nerves are jangled and it's difficult to tell what's what, what is coming from where, if you know what I mean. There's the migraine, then the PMS, then the withdrawal from Cipralex, then the bipolar, then the fact that it's getting colder and I'm naturally inclined to feel ill and chronic fatiguey and a bit depressed at this time of year. Then there's the fact that I am taking Amfexa sporadically and it gives me these weird fucking side effects which I don't like, but when I'm off it, I miss it horribly. I'm just waiting for that appointment where I can finally get prescribed Elvanse, which I've wanted to take for years. Taking stimulants in the manner I have been doing is problematic for me, it's always been problematic for me. At least with Amfexa I literally cannot overdose on them, unlike with Ritalin, which I used to take buckets of. The dexamfetamine pills make me feel so bloody strange in higher quantities that taking any more than 30mg in a day fucks with my head and is rendered completely undesirable as an activity. 

It's a cold and blustery day, unseasonably so. Really feels autumnal. I quite like it. Mum came round and we sat and had tea together and spoke about Christmas. I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with, but hopefully my dad will pull through and say I can come over to the States. Or somewhere else hot. If not, I might just run away with PVC (do you like their new nickname...?). Caro and I popped with Mum into a couple of the delis down the street from the flat. I bought some Borscht and sauerkraut, then we stopped at Tesco to pick up some bananas and spinach. I think I'm going to start making green smoothies again. I need all the nutrients I can get.  

I've been so many years off calorie-counting that I need to remind myself how to do it. I was 89 kilos today, way way too heavy. I'm re-reading this blog as motivation and I can't believe I got all the way down to 135 lbs at one point. That's literally 60 lbs less than where I'm at now. 

How long would it take to lose 60 lbs? And would it even be possible?

So far today I've had gluten free oats with frozen fruit, flaxfeed, PB and vanilla oat milk. Caro and I are going to hole up in front of some telly and get cosy with a pizza. Did you know they do vegan and gluten free pizza now? Wild. Probably not the best choice, but eh. Today's my last day of being allowed to feel like crap and act like a glutton. My counselling course starts tomorrow and then new job the day after that, so it's gonna be time to pull it together. 

Omg! I'm back!

Classic midnight blogger, you know me. It's just for me these days, as I know nobody from the old times is still reading this crap-ola. You know what I learned from re-reading my old blog posts? Plant-based worked. ADHD medication worked. I complain a LOT. I have bipolar, that much is bloody clear. But most of all, I learned the importance of writing things down. Tracking everything. It really has its uses, believe me.

I was 196 lbs today (89 kilos). I've been at this high weight for a very long time, and yes, I am still trying to figure out the reasons why. But I'm still the same girl, vaping in her bed and typing into the internet at half past midnight wishing for that 30+lb weight loss and hoping, believing, that this will help. And it will. 

There are few long-term... issues, shall we say, that I've been contending with this past nine or so months. Issue one is the migraine, which happens about ten days before I'm due. My hormones are fucking with me majorly and I've been attributing a lot to this - how depressed I get, the PMDD, the migraines, the panic attacks, the aura, my acne being at the forefront. I also have these very severe mood swings, which I've always had, looking back on these blogs that much is clear - but it's part of a greater pattern, a cycle I've been battling for over ten years now. It's not clinical depression anymore (if it ever was), it's something different, something cyclothymic, possibly approaching the bipolar spectrum, if not, flat-out manic depression. I would not be surprised. But all these things seem to correlate, and now I'm staring the reality in the face. I've been trying to start the process of tapering off Lexapro again, because I've become convinced that it's doing more to hinder me than help me. Withdrawal is so fucking hard but that alone shows me what a slave I am to this drug. I've gone from 10mg down to 5mg and I'm determined that once I get off it fully, I'll start to see some of the weight melt off. It's shot my metabolism and essentially 'treats' my depression by whacking it over the head with a very blunt, if not entirely inappropriate, instrument. 

Doing a little vegan cleanse and high-dosing myself with vitamins as it's getting fucking cold in London and withdrawal + PMS feels like full on flu. Praying for my period to come and release me from this HELL! 

Miss Tuscany.

Lovely chat with A.G. earlier. He always makes me smile. We sort of love each other, but he is not a sensible choice for a mate. 

Cara leaves on the 4th for a conference in Chicago. After months of no sex, apart from that run-in I had with Bruiser and the very passionate snog I had with Niko in his car the other week, the one we won't mention or discuss, lol, I'm considering having Pretty Vegan Couple over for a few nights to keep me company. 

196 lbs. Goal is always as it was. Lose a shit ton of weight and be able to wear nice clothes again. We try, try, try again.