Time for change

Sooo... I'm permanently stuck at 152.8 lbs. My scales love that number. And do you know what the disturbing thing is? I look at my body in the mirror and I don't think it looks that different from when I was 146 lbs. Which is stupid, because obviously 9 lbs (edit: 6.8 lbs, thank you Phoebe... my maths went out the window) makes a difference. And then I start freaking out about where the weight's gone, that maybe it's all gone to my face, and perhaps I haven't noticed the difference because I see my own face every day, but in reality it's a ginormous round blob with no structure whatsoever. That kind of stuff really gets to me and freaks me out. Then I think maybe it's all a trick, maybe I AM huge but my perception is so distorted that I'm kidding myself I look a lot thinner than I do. I don't know. It's all really disturbing and weird. I think the problem at hand here as that I've got far too comfy with being back in this weight range, and it hasn't quite hit me that I'm no longer the slim BMI-20 I reached while at uni. I keep thinking I am then wondering why I feel so goddamn heavy at the end of the day.

Seeing as one of my own private resolutions for this year is to be more honest about my failures, I'll admit that today turned into somewhat of a binge.

Breakfast
- Cereal with soya milk, 250 cals
- Coffee, 30 cals

Lunch
- Soya cappuccino, 150 cals
- 2/3 mushroom and emmental toastie, 300 cals

Dinner
- Most of a cottage pie made with quorn, 250 cals
- Diet coke, 0 cals

Binge
- Dairy-free chocolate buttons, 145 cals
- Jelly beans, 35 cals
- 2 pieces of brown bread with butter, 300 cals
- Bagel sandwich with cheese, 450 cals
- Crisps, 100 cals

Total: 2,010 cals. 

I'm hopelessly ashamed of that number but the sick thing is, I don't even feel full. I feel heavy, sure, but I could probably eat another 500 cal and not blink.

Also, my lack of fresh fruit and veg concerns me.

It's time for a cheese and carbs cleanse. I think if I could give up things like crisps and bread for short periods of time it would really help me out. I don't think other starches like potato are as bad, but any sort of refined flour products are terrible for weight loss. Cheese, also, is terribly fattening, and unfortunately incredibly addictive. I've been toying around with the idea of resuming my vegan ways, but it's just not an easy thing to do during the winter. I might, however, compromise and just give up major dairy products for a while - cheese, cow's milk, and yogurt being the primary offenders. Things like quorn which are low-fat and high-protein feel 'safe' to eat in any quantity, even though they contain egg whites.

The new regime should probably start with a few pointers:

- More emphasis on fruit and veg: sugar in fruit is better to binge on than sugar in sweets, cereal and white bread
- No whole dairy products: cheese, yogurt and milk banned unless listed as minor ingredient.
- No flour.
- NO BOOZE! Yes I said it, I'm quitting drinking until I whittle my weight down to a sensible level and get on top of my work.

So I guess the plan is to lose 4 lbs before I go back to school, which is probably doable if I a) sleep at proper hours b) flush my system out with tons and tons of water and c) stay under 1000 calories a day. I'm going to use my timetabled acting workshops as motivation to do this. I have 3 per week scheduled for this term and the idea of performing in front of 20 other people at 153 lbs fucking terrifies me.

Anyways, I've rambled on enough, and it's time for me to go to sleep. I will write up tomorrow and see how it goes.