I started this blog almost 6 years ago, when I was 18 years old and still in school. I weighed 146 pounds. I lived in London; my world was pretty small.
I'm returning to this blog at 23. I weigh, as of this afternoon, 168 pounds, but that number feels fairly irrelevant to my existence. In three months I will be finishing my university degree, and I will move back to London, as a virtual stranger, in the hopes of starting the rest of my life.
I'm blogging again not because I think anyone will listen (will you? Are any of you still there?) but because I am alone, lonely, still figuring it out. I tried to journal but it's not the same. This blog remains a safe space, I never stopped thinking about it really. It doesn't feel like regression to return. Things are different now, but in many ways, they're still kinda the same. I still have a desire to type my entire life into a void.
Updates since the last time I posted:
-I stopped centering my entire life around losing weight. I just couldn't anymore, I didn't have time, and my body didn't seem to respond to any of the trials I was putting it through. While it's no longer the centre focus of my entire existence, and I wouldn't say I have an eating disorder or even "disordered eating" anymore, it still preoccupies a part of my brain significant enough to want to start blogging again.
-I came off Sertraline (Zoloft) at Christmas, and I haven't gone back on it so far. I'm hoping I can stay off anti-depressants long enough to see if they really did have an impact on my weight. I think they did; I also think (hope) I can stay off them and find other ways of controlling/boosting my mood. I'm still in therapy, as I have been for almost 2 years, but that soon will end too, once I graduate. That's another bridge, I guess, which I'll cross when I come to it. For now, therapy, ADHD meds, not drinking, and working hard at things I enjoy seem to be (almost) enough. For later... we'll see.
-I have a gym membership, but I haven't been since January. I'm also broke, more broke than I've ever been, which probably means I should either quit that membership, or start moving my ass to the gym more. The latter seems like a better option. I also bought a cheap yoga mat recently, which I hope is conducive to like... yoga and things. I'm trying to be "healthy" these days.
-I'm trying (sort of) to write a book. (Again we'll see how the fuck that one goes. Watch this space.)
-I don't have a job, and I need to get one of those really soon
-I don't have a social life, hence why I haven't had a drink in almost 4 months... again, one of these would help (a social life, not a drink)
-I went vegetarian a month ago, and by vegetarian I mean mostly vegan, with the occasional Quorn product thrown in there. It helps me control things a little, plus I've never felt right eating meat since I first went veggie as a teenager. I'm yet to see if this has an impact on my weight, which it must have already in some infinitesimal capacity as I was 175 over xmas and these days I rarely weigh higher than 170/171.
So that's it. I don't know what else to tell you currently... but we'll see how it goes. I hope blogging can become some kind of stability/support system for me again, it definitely was before. Anyway. I digress. Please reach out. Gonna finish drinking my mango smoothie now, and clean the entire house, hooray
x
<3
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