We smash wine after the act, red wine at that, and it seeps over the Persian rug and the carpet. He's dashing on his way out and it's almost biblical, karmic. What did we expect? It's good, but his head is full of anxieties and worry. Will I get attached again? Will I develop expectations? My question is, will he?
I know he will go away and worry his pretty little head about it all. But I'll have moved on. That's the truth. I am a sociopath about it all now. SSRIs and speed have screwed with my head to the extent that I literally go numb and then want my own space. It's healthy, probably. But I don't need him anymore. I don't need any boy.
I'm bleeding and it hurts, but I'm glad. I had a ten day build up to my period. I am losing weight, slowly, but the real calorie counting and dieting will start tomorrow. I ate:
-Oats with fruit and soy milk (150)
-Dates and nuts (200)
-Marinated tofu and barbecue sauce (380)
-Banana (90)
-Salt and vinegar crunchy chickpea things (180?)
-Fries with salt and ketchup (400)
-Falafel with hoummous (80)
-Red wine (???)
Total = around 1700???
And I was down to 87.9 this morning. So, something I'm doing is working. I never drink anymore, tonight was an exception.
I quite like this vegan thing.
The neighbours complained about my footsteps overhead. I was pacing a lot last night, I can't help it. They live below an insomniac, but my room is thickly carpeted. What else can I do? I think they need to shut the hell up and get used to communal living. And living below a manic depressive artist, at that.
Withdrawal is kicking my butt. 5mg Lexapro for 3 weeks now and it's not been easy. I've run out of Amfexa, which I'm glad about. Having a week off is always good, but it's a shame it's the week where my roommate is away and so is my mum. I'd rather be on it away from them, away from everyone.
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