Ground, swallow me up

I'm sorry to disappoint you all, but I had another blow-out day. Eateateat. Bingebingebinge. It never stops. I was doing okay until about 5pm. All I'd had was a banana, juice, a glass of Vive Soy "cappuccino" flavour soya milk, a few sips of diet coke, some water, cigarettes, and a Starbucks. Would have been fine if I'd just left it till dinner and had a bowl of soup. But no. Tina comes over and we decide to watch a movie, binge on salted popcorn, vegetable samosas, hoummous, sesame bagels, rice cakes and peanut butter. I just don't know why I do these things to myself.  

I'm currently in bed, curled up in the dark with my laptop and blankets around me, sipping on a can of diet pepsi (and quietly hoping it will make everything I ate tonight pass through me). It was times like these that I wish I could just take a bunch of laxatives, or try to purge. But I am not going back there. I'm not going to make it that easy for myself. I will sit with this horrible feeling of fullness, until I learn never to do this to my body again. 

I explained to Tina that I want to go on a soup diet for the rest of February. Amazingly, she didn't try to discourage me - even better, she wants to join me. I need all the help I can get. I'll start properly tomorrow. This is a promise to myself, and to you, readers. I will not screw up again. 
   Also, my mother keeps ranting at me not to smoke. She gives me a hard time about it even when I'm discreet, go out the back, and carefully dispose of my cigarette butts. So from now on, until I make the decision to properly give up, I will not be smoking when she is in the house. I can't deal with the extra drama right now, so I'll go back to what I'm good at: lying, pretending, and concealing the truth.