This morning I woke up with virtually no energy. I had to get to the cafe to submit my CV, and was also planning on going up the high street to ask other shops if they had any job vacancies. My mum wanted help with the housework, and her filing, and I knew I just wouldn't have enough energy to do all of this while running on empty. So I told myself that I'd have a 'healthy day'. Just one day, to tide me over, and give me a boost. 3 nutritious meals, maybe a snack if I needed it. I wasn't exactly happy with this decision seeing as I'm currently trying to lose weight as quickly as possible, but I felt so crappy that I forced myself into the kitchen, and made myself a bowl of oatmeal with light soya milk, walnuts, raisins, chia seeds and a drizzle of maple syrup. I felt almost instantly better. 

It all went downhill at lunch. I'd been schlepping around for 3 hours in the sun and felt weak and tired, so I had almost a whole pot of organic hoummous with carrot sticks and crisps, an Innocent smoothie, and a soya latte. It instantly set off binge alarms in my head. I looked at myself and saw fat and bloated, so I waited until my mum had left for work, grabbed some sweets and crisps from the kitchen, and c/s about 600 calories worth of food whilst watching TV. I couldn't even face dinner after that, so I just smoked, drank diet coke and did some calisthenics in my room until I felt decently empty again. 

Why am I so fucked up about food? Is it too much to ask to just have a 'normal day' for once? Obviously it is, because the minute I eat a portion that is slightly too big, I have to go and binge. Ugh.