Glorious

I feel anxiety-riddled - terrified, to be more precise - realising that I'm flying to Los Angeles in exactly four days from now, and I still weigh 152 lbs. Even more anxiety-provoking, is the fact that I'd like to start properly restricting again (600 calories a day + exercise, plenty of caffeine, and a matching OCD mindset to go with it, whether or not that fits in with my schedule), but being on the cusp of going away is unnerving to me simply because I'm scared I won't be able to keep it up abroad, and the simple act of trying this week will have been a waste of my time if all goes to bollocks out there.

All of this panic induced (surprise surprise) a binge. A weird-ass binge that consisted mostly of seed bread dipped in guacamole and hot sauce, and whole dried prunes. There were other things, too, but it doesn't really matter now, because it's probably the 40th time I've binged already this year, and listing all the foods I shoved into my gob this evening isn't going to make me feel any better, let alone prevent it from happening again.

The point is, I'm freaking out. I'm still freaking out, even after bingeing, which just proves that blanketing your emotions with food does nothing to calm your nerves, or sort things out mentally. In fact, more often than not, it makes things worse. Especially if your nervousness is rooted in the way you look, and how much worse you'll probably look 2,000 calories later.

Normally this sort of terror would propel me into three straight weeks of strict 'dieting' (and by dieting, I mean breaking down when my daily caloric intake exceeds 600). I'm doing everything I can - mentally - to push myself over that edge of sanity and survival instinct keeping me from lowering my weight. I realise, now, it's a mind game. A steady, stealthy period of conditioning yourself into thinking, behaving, and living in a disciplined, regimented way. It's definitely not easy, but I've done it before (see my entries written over last year's study leave, during which I'd hit that stage where restricting becomes easier than bingeing - because even the idea of slipping up by a mere 100 calories is mentally exhausting). There's this huge part of me that thrills thinking about the idea of possibly returning to London a stone lighter than I am now. After all, that's what I've gained, give or take a few lbs, since last summer, and to get that weight back off me at long last would be not only a major relief, but glorious.

We'll see how it goes. So far, I haven't eaten since 10pm, and it's now nearly 2am, which is a good sign. Eating after midnight usually sets me off again.

Tomorrow's projected intake:

-1 c. bran cereal (90)
-1 c. frozen raspberries (30)
-1 c. green beans (30)
-Starbucks skinny cappuccino (96)
-1 c. butternut squash soup (140)

Along with something small, sweet and (hopefully) binge-preventing.