Farewell to the fairground

That feeling where you can't control your own body, your weight, or what it's doing in general, is probably one of the scariest feelings a person who has suffered with an eating disorder can experience. I've had that feeling for weeks now, and it's one of the major reasons I haven't posted since I got back from holiday. The direction my weight goes in is so at odds with the way I eat that I've begun to suspect I might have developed some kind of underactive-thyroid problem. I go over 1,200 calories and suddenly I'm a kilo heavier, regardless of the fact that those 1,200 calories have undoubtedly been healthy ones, regardless of the fact that I will have worked out for 45 minutes at the gym and done a further 15 minutes of conditioning at home.

I'm still bouncing around the 152-154 mark on the scales. I hate it. It makes me sick that last summer I could eat double the amount I'm eating now, and maintain weights as low as 137. It makes me regretful that I deemed that weight "fat" at the time. And it makes me confused as to how I ended up here, at a number I once thought I would never, ever see again.

More than anything, it makes me want to starve again.

And starve I will, if that's what it takes. This time I'm armed with multiple sachets of cup-a-soup, fruit tea, fat-free cheese, and truckloads of olives, because they're small and manageable and delicious and CHEAP.

The good thing is the weather's looking up, so no more stuffing my face purely because it's cold. The annual funfair's been set up on our local common, and Kit, an old friend, is coming down to London to stay the night. Tomorrow will be spent at the fair, and tomorrow night will involve wine, and possibly a movie. I've missed her so much, and I'm praying I won't have to eat majorly while she stays with me. Her company will be enough.

Lastly, I've realised I don't want Alfie in my life anymore. He's been super insensitive about stuff lately, and messed with my head big time. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with my father for years, and I am not going to let history repeat itself by making myself vulnerable to another man intent on toying with my emotions. That's the long and short of it. Maybe I'll elaborate later. For now I'm feeling pretty beaten up about it.