Farewell to the Fatty

I had a terrible day. My sister is normally alright with me these days. And by alright, I mean she'll converse with me, she'll laugh with me, and she'll generally be a far better presence in my life than she was a short year ago. But then there'll be the odd day where she'll take it upon herself to be the nastiest, cattiest, bitchiest person out, and everything that comes out of her mouth will be poisonous vitriol.

Today, it was that I didn't go to the gym enough, I didn't try hard enough to get a job, no wonder I didn't have many friends left with the way I 'went on', and that I project all my issues onto my family and seek attention from everyone all the time. Talk about 'projecting'. And to add insult to injury, I binged. On carbs, and cheese, and crisps, and chocolate. I can already see it on my body.

I'm probably around 158 lbs again; I wouldn't be entirely surprised, either, if it was more than that. The way my body works now (I assume as a result of years worth of restricting, bingeing, and metabolism-butchering), it takes a day's bad eating to put on a kilo, and around a week - often two - to take it back off again.

I've come to deduce, therefore, that the only surefire way for ME to lose weight successfully, is to adopt a plan of consistent caloric restriction (ie. <1000 calories a day), to follow it, and to stick to it for an extended period of time. The only times in my life where I have actually lost significant amounts of weight - and felt happy with the results - have been the times where my discipline is high, and my calories low. I don't know if this is just a result of having ruined my metabolism through seven years of disordered eating, or perhaps merely my frustration at my own body for not performing as quickly as I want it to under these circumstances, but I don't seem to be able to lose weight on >1000 calories anymore, even with exercise. It's disheartening, sure, but at the same time, it's the right kick-up-the-backside I need for me be able to commence a new 'chapter' - or rather, revisit an old one.

Hopefully, from now onwards, I'll stick with some sort of binge-free plan, have sufficient energy to work out but not burn out, and by the time I'm back in Los Angeles on June 26, I'll be a little lighter, and happier. Some notes to consider: 1) A tall light mocha frappuccino from Starbucks is 96 calories, and it's half-price-frappuccino week in the UK. There's something about fat-free, icy, half-price coffee goodness that just does it for me. 2) I need to buy Bran cereal, and low-cal lentil soup, ASAP. Luckily these are both inexpensive purchases, and as both are adequately filling/high in fibre, I feel they'll help me out on the good-old-restriction-train I'm supposedly about to board.

I also realised that I'll be satisfied - happy, even - if I just so much as see a glimpse of the 140s again. I just need to know I'm making progress.