As much as I hate to admit it, the past week hasn't been much of a dieting success. I veered hopelessly from restricting to bingeing on alternate days, and the result is that I'm still hovering at 155. I'm honestly getting sick of it - and I want, I need to find my 'happy medium'.
The problem is that I'm impulsive, and the sadder I feel about my weight gain, the more I tend to react with compulsive face-stuffing and constant carb-o-cide. I think my confusion stems from the fact that I can't set my mind to one task, and complete it. I'm perpetually wishy-washy about my goals, undecided on whether I want to ditch 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 40 lbs. Undecided whether or not I want to make the commitment to gaining health, or losing weight. A big part of me is surging for recovery. I'd like to embrace the way I look and move on with more important things, but every skinny girl or magazine ad I see is an ongoing reminder of what I truly 'want', and it's making things very difficult. I've spent the past few months skipping between every diet or calorie-restriction plan in existence, never once stopping to listen to what my body needs. I've encountered short, frequent bursts of 'healthy living', during which I'll eat well, avoid counting calories, choose 'good fats' and 'lean proteins' and 'wholegrain carbs', and attend the gym 4-5 times a week. But they always burn out - I always burn out, because I fall under the illusion that I don't deserve that lifestyle. That I don't deserve to treat myself nicely, go easier on myself, nourish my body. And it's ridiculous, but it's the eating disordered part of my head speaking, and as we all know, that part is more often than not VERY hard to overcome.
I know deep down that if I stop bullying myself over the way I look, and stop depriving my body in accordance, I'll cease to binge and self-destruct in the way I have been doing. This is easier said than done, of course, but I need to give it my best shot - otherwise I'll probably go insane.
I love the old-school plan. Your metabolism will thank you, and you might even be surprised at the rate of loss. Our bodies like consistency above all, and while it might take a little while for your body to catch up, you'll definetely see bigger overall losses than when you're caught in a binge/restrict cycle.
ReplyDeleteGood luck sweetheart! <3
xxxx
Thanks ever so much Bella :)
DeleteI think you're right about the consistency thing - I need to stick with one plan, and make it a lifestyle change; hopefully my body will thank me for it.
xxx
I've been reading your blog for a while and I can relate to every feeling that you describe. It's a vicious circle, this constant urge to be what you believe you should be and let others see it and the feeling that you don't deserve it. I was at my happiest when I didn't have time to think about my obsession.
ReplyDeleteLast year I got a new job and had to move to the town where I knew nobody. I was so caught up in the new stuff, meeting people, proving myself at work, learning a lot of new things that I didn't even notice that I've dropped 8 kg without even thinking about it! As soon as the routine kicked in, I found myself obsessing about the way I look. And that's when I got back to my old weight. The point is, every time I really try living my life, fighting to accomplish something serious, the need to control my food intake fades, probably because I finally feel in control of something bigger. I miss that feeling. Hopefully we all find it and stick to it one day.
Stay strong and beautiful, because that's what you are!
Love,
Bellarie
Thank you for your comment lovely. It's definitely true that when you settle into a routine and stop thinking about it so much, you usually drop weight.
DeleteMuch love, Gabby xxx