Stopped blogging for several reasons. The first was that my flatmates kept coming into my room in the second term, and I'd often work in the kitchen and leave my laptop there, and I got paranoid about things again. I got paranoid about people googling my email address from university. I was just paranoid.

So now I'm here but I'm posting basically into a void. Currently this blog is just for me, which is both liberating and bewildering in equal measure. I'm posting again because I need a place to keep track of intakes, sleep and behaviour again since Tumblr/Instagram is way too public.

Tentatively, the goal is to stop needing things so badly. I realised recently that I need so many things just to depend on or use as a crutch. If it's not alcohol it's cigarettes, or food, and if it's not any or all of the above, it's trying to control things to the point of megalomania and exhaustion. Then this term, I needed so much sleep. I don't know why, maybe because I started smoking 15+ cigarettes a day again, and didn't work out, and was depressed to the point of staying in bed for as long as possible, so I had no energy. It was weird. And then food. I want to see food as fuel, nothing more. Or at least only feel the desire to eat when I'm hungry, and allow a busy schedule to overrule those cues to eat. I don't want to need anything from anyone or anything. I don't even want to need sleep, although that's a whole other issue I'll get into later. (NB: 6 hours is be a very satisfying amount to get adjusted to every night because it leaves you looking attractively gaunt but still functional.)

I'm gearing my brain and body up for the start of second term. I switched courses, to English. The weight gain is palpable. But it's not so bad. (Not so bad? A year ago I would have cringed at this weight.)

The point is, I'm going to fix it. Thinking of launching into some kind of 40-day stretch like Jesus in the desert. The 7 kilos weight loss I'm aiming for is not, by any measures, a ridiculous goal.