Omg! I'm back!

Classic midnight blogger, you know me. It's just for me these days, as I know nobody from the old times is still reading this crap-ola. You know what I learned from re-reading my old blog posts? Plant-based worked. ADHD medication worked. I complain a LOT. I have bipolar, that much is bloody clear. But most of all, I learned the importance of writing things down. Tracking everything. It really has its uses, believe me.

I was 196 lbs today (89 kilos). I've been at this high weight for a very long time, and yes, I am still trying to figure out the reasons why. But I'm still the same girl, vaping in her bed and typing into the internet at half past midnight wishing for that 30+lb weight loss and hoping, believing, that this will help. And it will. 

There are few long-term... issues, shall we say, that I've been contending with this past nine or so months. Issue one is the migraine, which happens about ten days before I'm due. My hormones are fucking with me majorly and I've been attributing a lot to this - how depressed I get, the PMDD, the migraines, the panic attacks, the aura, my acne being at the forefront. I also have these very severe mood swings, which I've always had, looking back on these blogs that much is clear - but it's part of a greater pattern, a cycle I've been battling for over ten years now. It's not clinical depression anymore (if it ever was), it's something different, something cyclothymic, possibly approaching the bipolar spectrum, if not, flat-out manic depression. I would not be surprised. But all these things seem to correlate, and now I'm staring the reality in the face. I've been trying to start the process of tapering off Lexapro again, because I've become convinced that it's doing more to hinder me than help me. Withdrawal is so fucking hard but that alone shows me what a slave I am to this drug. I've gone from 10mg down to 5mg and I'm determined that once I get off it fully, I'll start to see some of the weight melt off. It's shot my metabolism and essentially 'treats' my depression by whacking it over the head with a very blunt, if not entirely inappropriate, instrument. 

Doing a little vegan cleanse and high-dosing myself with vitamins as it's getting fucking cold in London and withdrawal + PMS feels like full on flu. Praying for my period to come and release me from this HELL! 

Miss Tuscany.

Lovely chat with A.G. earlier. He always makes me smile. We sort of love each other, but he is not a sensible choice for a mate. 

Cara leaves on the 4th for a conference in Chicago. After months of no sex, apart from that run-in I had with Bruiser and the very passionate snog I had with Niko in his car the other week, the one we won't mention or discuss, lol, I'm considering having Pretty Vegan Couple over for a few nights to keep me company. 

196 lbs. Goal is always as it was. Lose a shit ton of weight and be able to wear nice clothes again. We try, try, try again.