Going on another little plant-based moment. Caro hates it. She says that vegan ham is sacrilege, a shadow, which I'm inclined to agree with. Her diet largely consists of smoked meats, blue cheese, liver pate and anything with butter. To be fair, these things are delicious. But for the sake of my health, I'm going back to my vegan ways, at least for a little while. I'm excited to see if, in combination with cutting my antidepressant down, this leads to weight loss and possiblyyy hormone re-balancing. I hope to God it will.
5mg is hard. I sort of feel like my nerves are jangled and it's difficult to tell what's what, what is coming from where, if you know what I mean. There's the migraine, then the PMS, then the withdrawal from Cipralex, then the bipolar, then the fact that it's getting colder and I'm naturally inclined to feel ill and chronic fatiguey and a bit depressed at this time of year. Then there's the fact that I am taking Amfexa sporadically and it gives me these weird fucking side effects which I don't like, but when I'm off it, I miss it horribly. I'm just waiting for that appointment where I can finally get prescribed Elvanse, which I've wanted to take for years. Taking stimulants in the manner I have been doing is problematic for me, it's always been problematic for me. At least with Amfexa I literally cannot overdose on them, unlike with Ritalin, which I used to take buckets of. The dexamfetamine pills make me feel so bloody strange in higher quantities that taking any more than 30mg in a day fucks with my head and is rendered completely undesirable as an activity.
It's a cold and blustery day, unseasonably so. Really feels autumnal. I quite like it. Mum came round and we sat and had tea together and spoke about Christmas. I don't know where I'll be or who I'll be with, but hopefully my dad will pull through and say I can come over to the States. Or somewhere else hot. If not, I might just run away with PVC (do you like their new nickname...?). Caro and I popped with Mum into a couple of the delis down the street from the flat. I bought some Borscht and sauerkraut, then we stopped at Tesco to pick up some bananas and spinach. I think I'm going to start making green smoothies again. I need all the nutrients I can get.
I've been so many years off calorie-counting that I need to remind myself how to do it. I was 89 kilos today, way way too heavy. I'm re-reading this blog as motivation and I can't believe I got all the way down to 135 lbs at one point. That's literally 60 lbs less than where I'm at now.
How long would it take to lose 60 lbs? And would it even be possible?
So far today I've had gluten free oats with frozen fruit, flaxfeed, PB and vanilla oat milk. Caro and I are going to hole up in front of some telly and get cosy with a pizza. Did you know they do vegan and gluten free pizza now? Wild. Probably not the best choice, but eh. Today's my last day of being allowed to feel like crap and act like a glutton. My counselling course starts tomorrow and then new job the day after that, so it's gonna be time to pull it together.
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