Joyeux Dimanche

Happy Sunday! Sort of.

Well, I ate like a pig today. I was 162 again. The number is making me complacent. I may just stop weighing for a week... I say that now, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do that. It would be nice though, to look in a week and see something below this stubborn weight range.

This afternoon I literally couldn't find anything "normal" to eat for breakfast (I haven't done a proper shop in ages because I have no funds) so I had a weird-ass combination of 2 nectarines, a cinnamon raisin bagel, a Diet Coke and most of a tub of hummus. So that was delicious but very strange. I pretty much didn't eat all day apart from the 2 coffees I had (one black, at home, then a frappuccino when I was out). Then I came home and made a huge saucepan of pasta, olives and vegan green pesto which I promptly devoured. Afterwards I shared some blueberries with Mummy. So I don't know how much I actually ate calorie-wise but maybe that's a good thing, maybe I should try to be more intuitive, I don't know. I didn't exercise, which was bad (third day running), but I'll make up for it tomorrow.

I'm still hungry, and it's midnight. I am craving a midnight snack and I know there are gummy sweets downstairs, and peanut butter... ugh I'm just craving sweet stuff so badly at the moment. Alternatively there's more hummus. Life is hard.

I had this insane idea earlier that I want to lose twenty pounds before school starts again and become a perfect student so I can be that perfect girl in her perfect apartment next year. Going on some kind of OCD/manic work bender is so appealing to me right now, as I miss the school schedule I'm more easily able to impose on myself when I'm at university. Next year I really do want to be the perfect student. I was never the perfect student at school, and I hated those girls that just seemed to be able to juggle plates - the ones who were in sports, all the extracurriculars, and got perfect grades. I could have been like that but I was a lazy shit who relied on merit and arrogance to get by. This time I know that I can actually be one of those girls. I have an obsessive side; I just need to indulge it. I need to employ the same kind of manic energy I apply to cleaning the entire house every weekend in my schoolwork, reading and languages. I need to impose a rigid structure on myself during term-time and I need to forget about feeling "comfortable". Comfortable doesn't mean best, comfortable doesn't mean "winning".

Veganism chimes in well with all of this. If I'm vegan, I'm "clean". My diet is more "perfect" and "pure" than the person sitting next to me on the underground, or actually, most of my friends. As for the benefits of veganism in weight loss... well, I will have to reassess after spending a couple of months living off coffee with soy milk and whole-watermelon-monomeals.

I don't know if any of that made sense. I'm in a highly energetic mood, despite the lack of pills today. I suppose I need to make some kind of plan. One that involves ungodly amounts of caffeine, Ritalin, and Dettox.

EDIT: Midnight snack involves croutons, olives, more hummus, a peach, and gummy sweets... The real shit starts tomorrow.