Thunder

Yesterday's weight: 168 
- Oats (250)
- Bagel (230)
- Toast (200)
- Diet Coke (1)

Today's weight: 164
- 3 eggs (210)
- Mustard (30)
- Diet orange squash (1)

This is either the diet of someone very broke, or very depressed; as of several weeks ago, I happen to be both. Yesterday I had a breakdown that prevented me from being able to take regular breaths of air for upwards of four hours, and led to my cancellation of a trip I promised my mother I'd accompany her on. We were supposed to be going to Copenhagen for three days, this morning. At 10 a.m., she left without me, after telling me how disappointed and upset she was. I slept only 3 hours, from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., and couldn't get back to sleep. I feel like the worst person in the world... And my self-hatred is the best dieting tip ever. After gaining 7 pounds seemingly overnight without very much effort at all, over half of it is gone in the space of a day. I'm living off empty carbs, whatever's in the house. There's just bread, squash, condiments, some soup, and I had the last of the eggs for breakfast, although I wish I hadn't. They felt too indulgent.

I think if I eat enough of the boring foods I'll stop craving strong flavours and just learn to be content with a cheap, bland diet of toast, bananas, and tomato soup. I don't eat cheese and meat anymore, and during my gap year I remember easily being able to live off £10 or £15 a week, minus cigarettes. Extreme vegetarianism, extreme restriction and a willing to abuse my prescription pills will be the way to get the weight off. I don't care anymore. There's cider, and gin, and Bailey's, and wine in the fridge. I have all the goddamn meals I need.

I'll be at least twenty pounds lighter by the 30th September. That is non-negotiable.