Day 4/ The new, old thing

195.8 lbs this morning.  

Intake: 

-- Chedds nibbles (55)
-- Laughing Cow cheese dip (78) 
-- Egg-fried bean sprouts and onions (250) 
-- Caramel rice cake (51) 

5.2 pounds down. It doesn't even seem to be registering to my brain that I'm restricting again. It's weird. It's been so long, but it's like this old dance my body knows incredibly well. I've just slipped slightly comfortably back into it, like an old jacket. It took a year of bingeing to wake up to the fact that this is the solution. To be a bit fucking extreme for a while because quite honestly, I left myself with no other options. I'll be honest about it. I won't become one of those toxically positive people who bullshits, who goes on about how they lost weight through 'eating right and working out'. This is fully disordered. But I know that it works. And I know if I activate this part of me, it will replace the more harmful addiction to stimulants and unsuitable men that almost ruined my life this year. It will become my new "thing". The new, old thing.

This time a year ago, I weighed 174 lbs. I was still sleeping with the married man, I was still trying to funnel the entire universe up my left nostril, I was drinking heavily, I was taking triple doses of my medication. It doesn't matter how I got there, but it wasn't sustainable. I wasn't aware that it would all fall apart again. I have to try to push harder this time. I have to let the weight go, psychologically. Because it's not just about restriction. It's about changing gears. A different mindset. Falling back in love with this body I have, this difficult body.

It's going to be slightly agonising getting out of this weight range. To be honest, yes, 5 lbs is good, but this won't register to me as something that's truly "working" until I dip below 180. And if I restrict to 1200 calories or less every day, which is the plan, I could get there by Christmas. 

I don't know what my eventual goal is. The goal in general, I suppose, is to just not be overweight anymore. That means anywhere in the 130-160 lb weight range. But we're miles away from there yet. And it's a lot of weight to lose. It will be dramatic. People will notice, and comment. But maybe that's okay. Maybe it's actually alright to be noticed.