Day 5

Weight = 192.8 lbs this morning 

Today's death list:

-- 3 x Fibre One 90 Chocolate Popcorn bars (258)
-- Caramel rice cake (51)
-- Quorn sweet & sour chicken with cauliflower rice (500)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Hot chocolate (39)
-- Marshmallows (30) 

...and then had somewhat of a binge this evening. Total number won't have been over 1,500, but still, not great.

May or may not be seeing the married man tomorrow night. I feel like I'm about to take on the biggest adult responsibility of my life - the ownership of a flat - and my childish side is just pulling out all the stops. Begging Cara for my drugs back after I made her promise not to give them to me. Slipping back into hysterical borderline personality mode with Bruiser over the phone last night. 

Truth be told, I can't wait to get away from Cara and her fucked up sister. It's become tense between us due to the fact that I owe her money, and she's become snippy with me. Tonight she patronised the fuck out of me and said she thought I wasn't in a great place. I put this down to jealousy. 

I need to turn my attention to the future. I need to get out of this job, figure out a plan, figure out someone nice and normal to live with and turn myself into the image of thinness, fascination and success I've always dreamt of. I don't need anyone else's negativity holding me back. I need to get my independence back.    

(PS. Re-watching Fresh Meat for nostalgia's sake. Might just get another Master's degree for fun some time, I miss the vibes of university.)