Day 6

 Here's the trick: the plan continues even when we fall off the wagon. That's the only way it will ever stick; become a means of life. I know I gained from yesterday, I can feel it. That's why I'm reeling it in and carrying on today as if nothing has happened. I mustn't lose the streak. Finally, I feel like restricting below 1000 calories is possible for the first time in years - and I know it's the only way I can lose. It might be extreme as fuck, and I'm fully prepared to admit that. But in the wake of massive anxiety about holding onto my job, my friendship, my sobriety, and any semblance of a love life, I'll have my eating disorder ticking over in the background. My safety net. My secret weapon. My old faithful, reliable friend. 

Food so far today:

- Homemade parsnip, potato & leek soup (180) 
- Salted pretzels w/ mustard (125)
- Carrot sticks (80) 
- Creamy dip (200)
- Diet Coke (1) 

For supper I have the rest of the sweet & sour quorn thing I made yesterday, with cauliflower rice. It's a bit weird but I have covered it in hot sauce so it's at least vaguely filling and palletable. 

Reliably, I got a text from Bruiser informing me that his son may be coming home to his flat tonight, and therefore getting a drink is probably off. Secretly, I was hoping he would cancel, as I was planning on doing some initial packing tonight, and I also worry I'm not in a fit state to see him. I'd rather be thin and happy and not give a fuck about him when we next meet. But my outrage and sense of rejection trumped this in the moment and I felt angry and let down, again. I think I need to throw myself properly into NA. My addiction knows no bounds when it comes to him, just like with the drugs. And for that reason it's a good idea to sublimate. to throw myself wholeheartedly and headlong into restriction like the good old days. For it's all discipline this time. And I want to get addicted to that sense of absolutely making my body into the beautiful instrument I know it is, beneath all these layers of unwanted fat.

The initial goals are as follows:

- 189 by Halloween 

- 175 by Christmas  

- 160 by March 1 

- 140 by next summer