Ninety-per-cent vegan

My boy left yesterday for America :'( He's staying there for his cousin's wedding until the 27th then he is straight off to university the following day. So it was basically goodbye. We had a lovely morning, cuddling in bed and then walking in the sun for a while. I thought I would be an emotional wreck after he left - either that, or emotionally numb, which seems to be the primary Gabby knee-jerk reaction to people leaving these days. I was OK until the evening when Tina came to get coffee with me. The verbal floodgates opened. I haven't cried or anything but I spent hours talking about how much I would miss him and how he had been such a big part of my life this summer. And no, none of my friends have clocked *just* how close we got this year - it's probably better it stays that way if I'm honest. He is gone now and I probably won't see him for at least a month, which is sad, but I can't do anything about it, so it's time to toughen up and pull myself together and move on. I hope he will still be in my life in some way several years into the future but I can't predict that, so I have to start thinking independently again, and not give it too much time in my head, because if I do, I know I'll just be devastated. Not seeing him much will be weird enough, but the fact that he will be around new girls and be starting a new life come the end of the month, will be sufficient ammunition for me to get upset. So I'm beginning a new chapter myself and treating this as an opportunity to meet some other people. None of them will be quite the same as Alfie but if I can meet someone half as decent this year, I will be happy.

Of course, as is always the case when I realise I can't control something anymore, I binged. I had dinner with Tina and when she left I just kept on eating. And yes, when it rains, it pours, and I ended up eating bowl after bowl of cereal with almond milk, guzzling orange juice, eating slabs of CHEESE for God's sake, like the fat loser I am. I think I might have eaten chorizo as well. Jesus... so much food... and animal products on top of that to boot... I just felt awful afterwards, not only psychologically but physically. I've made the decision to turn 90% vegan starting today. I say 90% because I actually think it's good for you to have a little bit of meat here and there, and some days I want some yogurt for breakfast or a little skim milk in my coffee, not to mention going out to restaurants is a hassle for everyone else if you can't eat anything on their menu. But whenever there is the option, I will go for vegan/veggie. It just makes me feel better and like I can control something that isn't detrimental to my health. I kind of like the whole vegan/hippie lifestyle thing as well. I want to start buying cruelty-free make up and stuff too because I honestly believe what you put out there in the world comes back to you, I guess I will just feel happier and have a calmer piece of mind knowing I'm not contributing to animal cruelty in some way. Not to mention it makes your skin and figure fantastic... and honestly I think my outlook on life in general changes when I eat this way. I don't feel as aggressive or frustrated, it's sort of like I can let go of trivial annoyances and just get on with what I want to do. I don't know if that makes sense to any of you. I suppose I am after a lifestyle change rather than just a change of diet.

So on another note I got fined today by the police for stubbing out a cigarette in a non-smoking area. I am so stupid. There were signs everywhere but apparently I was oblivious and too out of it to notice. This was off the back of a really successful art meeting with my teacher so it kind of put a downer on my whole day. It's a fine I cannot afford and I do not want my mum to cover/find out about, so Tina is generously bailing me out until I can pay her back. I feel awful asking for money help but she literally gets £100 in her pocket whenever she asks for it, so it's kind of disposable to her... not that that makes it OK, but at least I can pay the fine upfront and not get charged more because I can't come up with the money immediately. My parents would usually cover this but they're both broke currently and I think they'd be disappointed in me if they found out. So paying it myself it is. I'm taking this as a karmic sign to give up smoking sooner rather than later. October is national giving up smoking month or something so I will probably do it then with Tina. Ooh and that reminds me! I've been 1 month sober today. Haven't had a sip of alcohol since before my operation. Well actually that's a lie - I had a swig from Caro's hip flask the other week but I really don't think that counts as getting outrageously, unhealthily intoxicated which is what I was doing all of June and July pretty much. So I am proud of myself.

Food so far today...

I was up to 141.8 after yesterday's 140.0 which sucks but it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be so I am kind of going easy on myself today. I let myself have yogurt for breakfast, with agave, granola, cinnamon and raspberries. I had a pomegranate green tea on the way to school. Then after my little run in with the feds I bought myself a soy vanilla latte (new comfort food) and smoked a few more gratuitous/bittersweet menthols before I threw my empty pack in a clearly signposted bin. This afternoon for lunch I've had a superfood blueberry smoothie which has loads of antioxidants and vitamins in... I also had 1/2 a large avocado with balsamic, a glass of orange juice and 3 oatcakes with hoummous. So total calories today so far comes in at around 1,200. All I am having later is a coffee with Tina so I don't need to fuss too much about calories right now; it won't top 1,500. I definitely don't think I will binge as firstly, there is no food to binge on in the house and secondly, I kind of have things under control today. I think. I won't jinx that.

I've also decided that something I want to do more of this year, is travel. I am dirt poor but I have a father currently in Amsterdam who is about to move back to America. I see no reason to take full advantage of that. And the better I feel about myself, the happier I will be about putting myself out into the big wide world.