Dear Readers;
I want to apologise for being such a monumentally pissy, attention-seeking child on my last post. As I saw by the abundance of comments, I've got a lot of people still reading and caring, so I'm so sorry that I judged things otherwise.
Things are not great right now.
My sister's suicidal. She's being ganged up on by 3 of her closest friends and the guy she slept with is basically bullying her. She has been talking about wanting to end it all, wishing a car would hit her, making plans to hurt herself and overdose. My parents have collaboratively decided that the two of us go to stay with my dad for the rest of the month so she can clear her head, with the condition that she keeps up her schoolwork abroad.
I'm leaving on Thursday night (my birthday) and returning September 29th.
My weight has ballooned to 146.2 lbs, and I hate that I'm worrying about this almost as much as I'm worrying about my sister, but I can't believe I have let things get this bad. 146 is not a weight I want to see on my scale ever again, and at the beginning of the summer, I didn't think I would. Being over 142 scares me shitless regardless, and 144 I can just about deal with, knowing that a good day or two will bring me back down to my safe zone with minimal damage. But 146 is on a whole new plane. I associate it with the time before I got ill in February; the time I returned from that seaside holiday where I'd been bingeing for the entire weekend; the weight I was before I started this blog, and long before that, when I was rotating around similar numbers for over a year. It makes me feel disappointed in myself and frustrated and like every effort I have ever made to lose weight has been wasted. It is a horrible, sickening, debilitating feeling.
I'm already late for my second day of art. If I go in at lunch, I can make it up. This morning I've had a Clif bar, a Trek bar, and a lemon green tea - around 550 calories already. Yesterday afternoon me, Tina and my sister ordered Chinese because we were bored and after that I just kept eating, long after I was full, and long after everyone else had stopped. I am so deeply disappointed in myself. I probably tipped 3000 calories which is just obscene.
The rest of the day will involve a mango super food smoothie, a coffee with soy milk, and a salad. Maximum 950 calories. That is it.
The only good news I've received is that I got one of the theatre jobs I applied for. Wednesday night I will be standing in helping out at the front of house and afterwards I get to see the play for free. Done deal.
Amsterdam is truly my opportunity to drop weight, not gain it. I think I might go on a fruit and vegetable diet. Fruits, veggies, sushi, coffee and cigarettes only. Meals at weekends and strict during the week. There's no point in going if I am just going to eat eat eat there. I could come back on September 30th a different person, 10 lbs lighter, if I really wanted to. Then I could pick up where I left off with the healthy eating and start running again.
Need to start running again.
you sound like me, always wanting to go full steam ahead and then crashing when my unrealistic expectations don't work out.
ReplyDelete10 pounds in a little under two weeks is too much. I know it can be done, but not sustainably. how about 5 pounds, and then another 5 by october 15th? I'm not criticizing or trying to be annoying, but I think you'd be happy if you set more realistic goals and ways to meat them.
and this is coming from a girl who has to remind herself of this daily.
best of luck
Thank you hun, no it's not annoying at all, I welcome any advice and think you're definitely right about this one.
DeleteTake care x
i really hope you and your sister are feeling better soon. i know what you mean about reaching a weight that scares you shitless, i have the same thing, but dont stress too much as whatever weight goes on, can come off again (although, that's easier said than done, i know!) i hope you have a lovely time when you go stay with your dad, but please be careful and take care of yourself! xo.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she's okay and that the time in Amsterdam helps you both out.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the theatre job, I hope you have an amazing time.
Take care, and don't worry. I'm sure you'll drop the weight easily in Amsterdam.
I am so sorry to hear about your sister. I hope she will be okay. I sooo dislike bullies. I would love to give that guy a piece of my mind right along with my fist.
ReplyDeleteI know you are worried and disappointed to see the scale go up but who knows. This may be from worrying about your sister. Stress is when I will see the scale go up or not move. Happened to me last week and possible this week. not sure yet.
Enjoy your trip. I say relax and do as little as possible.
I am glad that your parents thought to send both of you away, and didn't just focus all of their attention on your sister as the only one in need of that getaway. (Even though it interrupted our emails, and that makes me kind of sad.) I know that it's now been two months since this post, so I hope that means she's doing better.
ReplyDeleteAnd congratulations on the theatre job! So proud.
Love,
<3.