I'm now on my 50th hour liquid fasting. At 38 hours in, I weighed 166.8 lbs. It's now the end of Day 2 and I have had: beetroot and raspberry V8, a soy espresso frappuccino from Starbucks, black coffee, diet soda, mojito (non-alcoholic), Thai tom kha coconut soup, chicken broth, homemade pea soup and about half of a small tub of bean soup (which I stopped eating because it had too much "solid food" at the bottom). I'm extremely bloated and hoping that the fact I feel heavy with water weight is just the sheer amount of liquid I consumed today. Soup especially is sodium-heavy so I've been drinking as much water as possible.

I screwed up a bit today because I felt so incredibly weak in town that I impulse-bought a fuck ton of healthy, expensive soups intending to split them up over the next few days but had what I can only describe as a soup binge whilst watching films in L's room. I hate that I now feel bad for consuming "too much soup". It seems ridiculous to me, that before I was bingeing on real food and not feeling bad about it, and now I'm feeling guilty over soup. I'm just so desperate for it not to go wrong this time. I'm pleading with my body: don't gain, don't gain, don't gain.

My assumption is that I'll just pee it all out (excuse the imagery) over the next 12 hours. Or so I hope. The appeal with a true water fast is that you get to see the numbers go down every couple of hours, every time you pee or happen to be near a scale. Just like obsessive time-checking on a fast measured by hours, I can see how one could get equally obsessive checking their weight frequently whilst water fasting.

Part of me is questioning the whole thing, and if it'll work - and if it doesn't, will I throw in the towel and go back to regular eating? I feel like I want to say no to "real" food for as long as it takes before I get my weight down and get back to myself, but when will that be? Days? Weeks? I don't know how long I could keep this shit up, or if it's even worth it. 72 hours doesn't seem like enough, either way.

I've just got to remember why I'm doing this. It's not just for going home and making an impression. It's to get the control back in my life. It's for the parties, the appearances, the glorious moments of feeling beautiful and powerful somehow, the moments where you know someone's taking notice. It's for being able to wear anything and look amazing, it's for the role in the film, it's for next year abroad at a private American university where appearance will be extremely important (much more so than here). It's for being able to celebrate and not feel guilty about it. I'm sick of feeling guilty.