It was amazing to hear some of my old readers are still here; that made me feel so warm and fuzzy inside like you wouldn't believe.
I really did disappear on this place, and I regret it, but more on that later. Right now it's 5.30am on Tuesday morning and I'm sitting at my desk in my university bedroom. I currently live in a soulless high-security compound that looks like a prison masquerading as luxury student accommodation. I hate it. You need a keycard to get through two sets of gates and then into your flat and then into your individual room, and all the rooms look the same. Mine's as homely as I could make it, though. I have fairylights and stuff, and the bed is big which is a plus. I can't wait to get the f*ck out of halls and into a real apartment in town next year. Lina and I saw one today, and put an offer in. (NB. For the record, Lina and I met - ironically - about a day after I stopped blogging, and started dating a couple of months later. I will talk about her probably a lot on here so for now, all you need to know is I love her to bits and that she's my partner in crime.)
Unsurprisingly, my lack of blogging (and subsequent lack of keeping account) led to a big-time weight gain. It's quite shocking, actually. I went from pushing underweight in late 2013 (low 130s, whilst dating The German and living off booze, in halls) to actually overweight in late 2014 (173 pounds was my highest). It's shocking to write that on here, where I set a precedent on maintaining numbers such as 138, and 145 for very, very long periods of time even during/after bingeing - and arguably felt bigger at those weights than I do now. It doesn't really matter how I got here. You could say I gave up the restrictive component of my eating disorder, but then, conversely, my depression, prescription pill abuse and alcoholism got a ton worse and I started habitually ordering Dominos at 4am.
As of this morning, I weigh 167.0 pounds (still bad, but no longer overweight). I am over the worst of my depression - a lovely doctor sorted me out and I am now on a new antidepressant, Sertraline (Zoloft). I'm still taking the Ritalin, but not in the same capacity as before. I sort of don't know what it does for me anymore, beyond making my mouth incredibly dry and killing my appetite for a grand total of 2 hours. The pills are okay but the feeling of being unbeatable was better. Now that I have metaphorically picked the pen back up, I am hoping, very much that I will be able to get back to that golden weight range I've been struggling to return to ever since I lost the aid of this blog.
Without further ado, I'll post today's death list:
- Soy espresso frappuccino (230)
- Cappuccino (90)
- Diet coke (1)
- Avocado (300)
- White rice (405)
- 2 nectarines (110)
- Potato wedges with salsa (250)
- Bag of crisps (179)
- 2 pieces of toast (220)
- Peanut butter (200)
- Banana (90)
Total: 2075
Yeah... I'm glad to be back. I missed you.
PS. Alfie still in the saga of my life. I can't wait to tell you all about it.
I think that happens to a lot of us. When the urge to restrict is lesser, other aspects (like depression and addiction) flare up.
ReplyDeleteMy GP was talking about Zoloft last week, not that I trust her when it comes to antidepressants, but hey.
Silly question, but do you use MyFitnessPal/other cal counting apps? I just know not everyone does, but I swear it's the most useful thing in staying accountable.
Take care <3
xxxx
That's interesting (about other forms of addiction flaring up when restricting goes out the window) and makes absolute sense. I never thought about it that way but it explains a lot.
DeleteI use Cronometer occasionally but to be honest I've gone a long time not counting calories properly.
Zoloft has really helped take the edge off my anxiety - I was on both Citalopram and Prozac intermittently as a teenager and neither helped me in any way, so I utterly lost faith in antidepressants. I was very hesitant at first to try a new one but this one definitely feels different to me.
<3