I'm 168.8 lbs. And no, that's not a dodgy reading, I got the same number 10 times weighing myself in multiple places in the bathroom. I don't even know how the fuck I managed to gain on 1179 calories, or how my weight actually went up overnight (I weighed 167.8 before sleeping) but probably it had something to do with the fact that I had 4 cold and miserable hours' sleep on the shitty air mattress I've been using this week because all the beds are in my new apartment. I get a better night's sleep on the couch. I'm literally so pissed off. I told my mum I wanted half an hour alone or I'll be pissed off all day. She can't stop interrupting me for things, helping her with this or that. I feel bad for complaining and any other day I'd be happy to help her but not today. Today I want to punch a brick wall. And it just so happens to be the day I have to go out and meet people, and have coffee, and go clothes shopping. I mean kill me now. My past self would have been horrified at the idea of me going shopping at 168.8 lbs. What the fuck, why do I even bother rounding down? I'm 170 pounds. 170 giant fucking pounds and I'm never going to change.
If it's possible to drop 4 pounds of water weight overnight I'm sure as hell going to try. I had a Diet Coke, a fat free yogurt and a bagel and then swallowed 20mg of Ritalin. That's 340 calories. If I only have coffee when I'm out, and a 250-calorie ready meal when I'm home, the day shouldn't technically come to more than 1000 calories. Well, I say 1000, more like 700, but I'd rather tell myself it's 1000 than underestimate and wind up bingeing out of panic and frustration.
* EDIT: 20 mins into taking Ritalin -
I actually had a lovely day with my mother yesterday. We did some rounds of the home and furniture shops and looked at bric-a-brac, pointing at this and that. Sometimes, when I can behave like an adult, and appear as if I have my shit pulled together, my mum is my best friend in the whole world. Then I fall apart and turn into an angry adolescent again, and we end up arguing. We ate carrot sticks together in the evening and the thought crossed my head that perhaps she would be far more cooperative with me if I were the perfect 22 year-old woman: thin, refined, anorexic and organised, with a touch of OCD and a penchant for dipping raw vegetables in mustard when hungry. It's my full intention to become that person; I just don't know how/when it will happen. Sometimes I think that I'm very anorexic in my mind, and then I remember that once upon a time I was borderline anorexic, weighing a little under 124 lbs at 15. I didn't appreciate my BMI of 18.3 back then, but nor was I sophisticated enough to work it at the time. I was scrawny rather than svelte, flabby rather than muscular, and deranged and derailed rather than fussy and neurotic. I don't want to be 124 lbs again, because I don't want to look ill (and I would). 140 lbs would work, if I had the matching persona to go with it. 140 would be fine, maybe 135, but one doesn't need to be truly underweight to appear as such. There are other factors than can come into play such as muscle mass and bone density and dress sense. I'm bigger than I was then, not just height wise (almost an inch taller) but also I'm a lot stronger. A lot of this weight is muscle, which is fine, but it's not what I want - at least, not with the fat I've gained along with it. My arms and legs seem so huge to me. Some of that might be muscle, a lot of it might be, and I'm sure it is but that's not what I want. I don't want my thighs to be bulging out of jeans. The ideal is to zap the fat without ruining the muscle, because being toned never hurt anyone. But I don't want guns.
I admit I was a little (read: very) derailed by the reading on the scales. I stepped on again after going to the bathroom and it said 166.8. So I don't know if it was a false reading or whether it was just water weight I had to "lose" in the morning. Either way, 166.8 isn't good enough and still constitutes a gain. Hideous, but maybe I can drop 2 additional ones today. That would make me 164 at the beginning of a new week, which is the lowest I've been in a while. And I'm sleeping on the couch. I have to get a train at 1pm and I refuse to be in a bad mood for the two-hour journey.
I don't know why I'm complaining so much. My life is pretty nice at the moment. I'm not working, I don't have to start reading course materials until next week, and I just got a new phone to replace the old one that kept breaking. So I should just plug in some bloody headphones and get on with it.
My sister called my mum on the phone yesterday and then passed over her manager-slash-Earth-Momma Dawn. Dawn's a total bitch at best but I try to put up with her. This is the same charming woman who consistently tells my sister I'm a jealous and toxic presence, and who, during an expedition to a New York flea market this Christmas, told me that if I wanted to hide I should. That is not the sort of advice one gives to someone with crushingly low self-esteem; it's the sort of advice that perpetuates the whole thing, and she of all people, at 5'6 and approximately 105 pounds, should know that. But whatever. I may be biased because shoot me, I don't much like the idea of my eighteen-year-old sister being pimped out by a 40 year old LA producer with peroxide hair and a missing finger. Oh, and I might mention that while I lie in my cold freezing air mattress cave all night, my sister is parading around Melrose Avenue buying wicker peacock furniture for her apartment and drinking iced matcha lattes in a pair of Lolita sunglasses. And yes, I'm bitter - can you tell?
Speaking frankly, I hate the America thing.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Saturday, 26 September 2015
Day 3
- 3 fat-free dessert yogurts (180 cal)
- Coffee Light frappuccino (85 cal)
- Salad w Light House dressing (100 cal)
- Carrot sticks w chickpea/lentil dip (140 cal)
- 2 chicken breasts (295)
- 1 pc. rye bread (130 cal)
- 1 pkg. chips (169 cal)
- 1/3 cup Irish Cream (80 cal)
Total: 1179 cal
+ 20 mins calisthenics
Weight: 165.4 lbs
I didn't lose any more weight but am persevering anyway. Trying to have faith in the plan. My mother expressed some concern for the diet, telling me not to "get too obsessed". I told her I wouldn't go backwards, that this would help me. And I truly think it will. I want to fall back in love with clothes, and fashion, and making myself look adorable, and I don't think I can do that at eleven-and-a-half stone.
I want to join an adult ballet class when I get back to uni next week and start properly working out. I love the calisthenics routines, and my abs are killing from the other day still, but it's worth it. I'm seeing a change already.
The goal is to get down to 162 by sometime next week and then to maybe liquid fast for 3 days if I can handle it. It's so nice to think of getting back to 150s. Then I'll be on the straight and narrow until I get back to the 140s, my stellar weight on this blog.
Drive is picking me up tomorrow, in his car (surprise surprise) to go get lunch. Is it a date? Shot to hell if I know. Either way will let you know how it goes...
- 3 fat-free dessert yogurts (180 cal)
- Coffee Light frappuccino (85 cal)
- Salad w Light House dressing (100 cal)
- Carrot sticks w chickpea/lentil dip (140 cal)
- 2 chicken breasts (295)
- 1 pc. rye bread (130 cal)
- 1 pkg. chips (169 cal)
- 1/3 cup Irish Cream (80 cal)
Total: 1179 cal
+ 20 mins calisthenics
Weight: 165.4 lbs
I didn't lose any more weight but am persevering anyway. Trying to have faith in the plan. My mother expressed some concern for the diet, telling me not to "get too obsessed". I told her I wouldn't go backwards, that this would help me. And I truly think it will. I want to fall back in love with clothes, and fashion, and making myself look adorable, and I don't think I can do that at eleven-and-a-half stone.
I want to join an adult ballet class when I get back to uni next week and start properly working out. I love the calisthenics routines, and my abs are killing from the other day still, but it's worth it. I'm seeing a change already.
The goal is to get down to 162 by sometime next week and then to maybe liquid fast for 3 days if I can handle it. It's so nice to think of getting back to 150s. Then I'll be on the straight and narrow until I get back to the 140s, my stellar weight on this blog.
Drive is picking me up tomorrow, in his car (surprise surprise) to go get lunch. Is it a date? Shot to hell if I know. Either way will let you know how it goes...
Friday, 25 September 2015
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
Tuesday, 22 September 2015
600 cal a day keeps the doctor away.
I wanted to try 2-4-6-8 tomorrow, starting with the 800 day as I can't remember the last time I successfully had a day under 1,200 calories. But I'm going back to basics and doing what I did when I was 17, which was just 600 calories a day until I broke. Straight-forward, no bullshit calorie zigzagging and messing around. I'm ready to shake this range once and for all. I stepped on the scales multiple times at 2pm after waking up and they went from 166.8 to 167.4 back to 166.8. I don't know which number was accurate but the point is I don't want to be 160-anything. I've been here for literally a year and I've had enough of it. So 600 calories a day until I'm back to where I was, that's it. Either way I'm deciding that I need to go a bit extreme to successfully get back in the 150s then lower. I'm back in London this week then freshers starts next Monday or thereabouts, so I'm leaving again then. That means roughly seven days to get out of the 160s. I just need a jump start. I've been sleeping on the couch at home, and today I didn't wake up until lunch time, which felt terrible. It was my birthday on Sunday, and I stayed the night at Tina's which meant I had to wake up at 9 (she leaves for outpatient treatment every morning around 10/11) and it felt really good to be up that early. I got so much done that I didn't care about only having had 6 hours sleep. I'm working on an album at the moment, and it's something that feels very easy for me to keep returning to as I love doing it and it's cathartic and therapeutic in a way that writing often isn't. So I did that virtually all morning while Tina was at clinic and then I met her at 4pm and it felt like I'd actually had a productive day's work. Anyway, I want to do that every day. I want to design a perfect schedule that allows me to work on all of these creative passions in equal amounts with equal dedication and determination. Writing, making music, and film. Maybe I should find an acting class this term that isn't affiliated with the university. If such a thing exists.
I finally got my Ritalin prescription from the chemist's so I will making full use of it in a non-abusive-but-probably-slightly-abusive way... until I find a way to otherwise control my voracious and insatiable appetite.
* EDIT *
- FF Greek yogurt, blueberry (114)
- 1 banana with cinnamon (90)
- Muesli with skim milk (200)
- Soy cappuccino, vanilla (180)
- Chicken singapore noodles (300)
- Superfood salad (375)
- Cookie (290)
- More salad with cheese (300)
- Coca-Cola (100)
Total: 1949
This is a "good day" to me now, which is rather a kick in the teeth seeing it all written down like that. I feel bloated. I came back to Tina's house for the night, which opened the gateway to eating a big dinner and consequently feeling I should eat more to make it "worth it". I didn't need the cookie, but she was having one and for some reason that justified it to me. Same with the heavy dinner of noodles and salad. Even though it was "healthy", I'm not convinced. I'm rarely convinced that a dinner consisting of meat, dairy, and totalling over 600 calories is either worth it or entirely healthy for you and consequently, I feel bad. Bad enough to start restricting again seriously, if only to negate how utterly full and disgusted I feel right now. I feel shit looking at myself in the mirror. I don't understand how I let it get this bad. I don't know how anyone can say I look ok. My friends, my girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend. I look like a pig.
I've planned out tomorrow:
- 1 peach (30 cal)
- Black coffee (0 cal)
- Mocha Light frappuccino (96 cal)
- Kids meal (275 cal)
- 20 slices Turkey w/ mustard (170 cal)
Total: 571 calories
I finally got my Ritalin prescription from the chemist's so I will making full use of it in a non-abusive-but-probably-slightly-abusive way... until I find a way to otherwise control my voracious and insatiable appetite.
* EDIT *
- FF Greek yogurt, blueberry (114)
- 1 banana with cinnamon (90)
- Muesli with skim milk (200)
- Soy cappuccino, vanilla (180)
- Chicken singapore noodles (300)
- Superfood salad (375)
- Cookie (290)
- More salad with cheese (300)
- Coca-Cola (100)
Total: 1949
This is a "good day" to me now, which is rather a kick in the teeth seeing it all written down like that. I feel bloated. I came back to Tina's house for the night, which opened the gateway to eating a big dinner and consequently feeling I should eat more to make it "worth it". I didn't need the cookie, but she was having one and for some reason that justified it to me. Same with the heavy dinner of noodles and salad. Even though it was "healthy", I'm not convinced. I'm rarely convinced that a dinner consisting of meat, dairy, and totalling over 600 calories is either worth it or entirely healthy for you and consequently, I feel bad. Bad enough to start restricting again seriously, if only to negate how utterly full and disgusted I feel right now. I feel shit looking at myself in the mirror. I don't understand how I let it get this bad. I don't know how anyone can say I look ok. My friends, my girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend. I look like a pig.
I've planned out tomorrow:
- 1 peach (30 cal)
- Black coffee (0 cal)
- Mocha Light frappuccino (96 cal)
- Kids meal (275 cal)
- 20 slices Turkey w/ mustard (170 cal)
Total: 571 calories
Wednesday, 9 September 2015
Time to get my sh*t together
I want to try 2-4-6-8, or possibly just 4-6-8, obviously starting with the 800 day. Or maybe just burning off every single calorie I eat. I'm really sick of this shit.
Ballooned again, working it off as fast as possible. In two days I've gone from 170 to 165.6 lbs; my completely ridiculous but non-negotiable plan is to get down to 150 by the start of term. I cannot endure another month of this weight range, I just cannot. I hate what this body connotes about me. I want my body to be a weapon and an instrument, sharp and refined and disciplined. Not this lazy corpulent mass of flesh.
I haven't figured out what's causing me to self-sabotage yet, but I'm working on it. What's really hard for me is the night-time. When everyone goes to bed is when I take the opportunity to stuff my face with useless food items that have no nutritional benefit and only serve to comfort me when I'm feeling bored and hyperactive on my own. It's been such a while since I've restricted properly, so I'm giving it everything I've got because I know full well it's going to be a job.
I downloaded a pedometer onto my iPhone and I'm working on taking 10,000 steps a day as a bare minimum. It's actually a lot harder than you'd think and I've realised I really need to raise my activity level. No wonder I'm fat and listless, when I only take a couple of thousand steps a day. I've been jogging on the spot intermittently throughout the day because seeing the number go up is just so damn satisfying.
Ballooned again, working it off as fast as possible. In two days I've gone from 170 to 165.6 lbs; my completely ridiculous but non-negotiable plan is to get down to 150 by the start of term. I cannot endure another month of this weight range, I just cannot. I hate what this body connotes about me. I want my body to be a weapon and an instrument, sharp and refined and disciplined. Not this lazy corpulent mass of flesh.
I haven't figured out what's causing me to self-sabotage yet, but I'm working on it. What's really hard for me is the night-time. When everyone goes to bed is when I take the opportunity to stuff my face with useless food items that have no nutritional benefit and only serve to comfort me when I'm feeling bored and hyperactive on my own. It's been such a while since I've restricted properly, so I'm giving it everything I've got because I know full well it's going to be a job.
I downloaded a pedometer onto my iPhone and I'm working on taking 10,000 steps a day as a bare minimum. It's actually a lot harder than you'd think and I've realised I really need to raise my activity level. No wonder I'm fat and listless, when I only take a couple of thousand steps a day. I've been jogging on the spot intermittently throughout the day because seeing the number go up is just so damn satisfying.
Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Thunder
Yesterday's weight: 168
- Oats (250)
- Bagel (230)
- Toast (200)
- Diet Coke (1)
Today's weight: 164
- 3 eggs (210)
- Mustard (30)
- Diet orange squash (1)
This is either the diet of someone very broke, or very depressed; as of several weeks ago, I happen to be both. Yesterday I had a breakdown that prevented me from being able to take regular breaths of air for upwards of four hours, and led to my cancellation of a trip I promised my mother I'd accompany her on. We were supposed to be going to Copenhagen for three days, this morning. At 10 a.m., she left without me, after telling me how disappointed and upset she was. I slept only 3 hours, from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., and couldn't get back to sleep. I feel like the worst person in the world... And my self-hatred is the best dieting tip ever. After gaining 7 pounds seemingly overnight without very much effort at all, over half of it is gone in the space of a day. I'm living off empty carbs, whatever's in the house. There's just bread, squash, condiments, some soup, and I had the last of the eggs for breakfast, although I wish I hadn't. They felt too indulgent.
I think if I eat enough of the boring foods I'll stop craving strong flavours and just learn to be content with a cheap, bland diet of toast, bananas, and tomato soup. I don't eat cheese and meat anymore, and during my gap year I remember easily being able to live off £10 or £15 a week, minus cigarettes. Extreme vegetarianism, extreme restriction and a willing to abuse my prescription pills will be the way to get the weight off. I don't care anymore. There's cider, and gin, and Bailey's, and wine in the fridge. I have all the goddamn meals I need.
I'll be at least twenty pounds lighter by the 30th September. That is non-negotiable.
- Oats (250)
- Bagel (230)
- Toast (200)
- Diet Coke (1)
Today's weight: 164
- 3 eggs (210)
- Mustard (30)
- Diet orange squash (1)
This is either the diet of someone very broke, or very depressed; as of several weeks ago, I happen to be both. Yesterday I had a breakdown that prevented me from being able to take regular breaths of air for upwards of four hours, and led to my cancellation of a trip I promised my mother I'd accompany her on. We were supposed to be going to Copenhagen for three days, this morning. At 10 a.m., she left without me, after telling me how disappointed and upset she was. I slept only 3 hours, from 3 a.m. to 6 a.m., and couldn't get back to sleep. I feel like the worst person in the world... And my self-hatred is the best dieting tip ever. After gaining 7 pounds seemingly overnight without very much effort at all, over half of it is gone in the space of a day. I'm living off empty carbs, whatever's in the house. There's just bread, squash, condiments, some soup, and I had the last of the eggs for breakfast, although I wish I hadn't. They felt too indulgent.
I think if I eat enough of the boring foods I'll stop craving strong flavours and just learn to be content with a cheap, bland diet of toast, bananas, and tomato soup. I don't eat cheese and meat anymore, and during my gap year I remember easily being able to live off £10 or £15 a week, minus cigarettes. Extreme vegetarianism, extreme restriction and a willing to abuse my prescription pills will be the way to get the weight off. I don't care anymore. There's cider, and gin, and Bailey's, and wine in the fridge. I have all the goddamn meals I need.
I'll be at least twenty pounds lighter by the 30th September. That is non-negotiable.
Sunday, 9 August 2015
Joyeux Dimanche
Happy Sunday! Sort of.
Well, I ate like a pig today. I was 162 again. The number is making me complacent. I may just stop weighing for a week... I say that now, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do that. It would be nice though, to look in a week and see something below this stubborn weight range.
This afternoon I literally couldn't find anything "normal" to eat for breakfast (I haven't done a proper shop in ages because I have no funds) so I had a weird-ass combination of 2 nectarines, a cinnamon raisin bagel, a Diet Coke and most of a tub of hummus. So that was delicious but very strange. I pretty much didn't eat all day apart from the 2 coffees I had (one black, at home, then a frappuccino when I was out). Then I came home and made a huge saucepan of pasta, olives and vegan green pesto which I promptly devoured. Afterwards I shared some blueberries with Mummy. So I don't know how much I actually ate calorie-wise but maybe that's a good thing, maybe I should try to be more intuitive, I don't know. I didn't exercise, which was bad (third day running), but I'll make up for it tomorrow.
I'm still hungry, and it's midnight. I am craving a midnight snack and I know there are gummy sweets downstairs, and peanut butter... ugh I'm just craving sweet stuff so badly at the moment. Alternatively there's more hummus. Life is hard.
I had this insane idea earlier that I want to lose twenty pounds before school starts again and become a perfect student so I can be that perfect girl in her perfect apartment next year. Going on some kind of OCD/manic work bender is so appealing to me right now, as I miss the school schedule I'm more easily able to impose on myself when I'm at university. Next year I really do want to be the perfect student. I was never the perfect student at school, and I hated those girls that just seemed to be able to juggle plates - the ones who were in sports, all the extracurriculars, and got perfect grades. I could have been like that but I was a lazy shit who relied on merit and arrogance to get by. This time I know that I can actually be one of those girls. I have an obsessive side; I just need to indulge it. I need to employ the same kind of manic energy I apply to cleaning the entire house every weekend in my schoolwork, reading and languages. I need to impose a rigid structure on myself during term-time and I need to forget about feeling "comfortable". Comfortable doesn't mean best, comfortable doesn't mean "winning".
Veganism chimes in well with all of this. If I'm vegan, I'm "clean". My diet is more "perfect" and "pure" than the person sitting next to me on the underground, or actually, most of my friends. As for the benefits of veganism in weight loss... well, I will have to reassess after spending a couple of months living off coffee with soy milk and whole-watermelon-monomeals.
I don't know if any of that made sense. I'm in a highly energetic mood, despite the lack of pills today. I suppose I need to make some kind of plan. One that involves ungodly amounts of caffeine, Ritalin, and Dettox.
EDIT: Midnight snack involves croutons, olives, more hummus, a peach, and gummy sweets... The real shit starts tomorrow.
Well, I ate like a pig today. I was 162 again. The number is making me complacent. I may just stop weighing for a week... I say that now, but I highly doubt I'll be able to do that. It would be nice though, to look in a week and see something below this stubborn weight range.
This afternoon I literally couldn't find anything "normal" to eat for breakfast (I haven't done a proper shop in ages because I have no funds) so I had a weird-ass combination of 2 nectarines, a cinnamon raisin bagel, a Diet Coke and most of a tub of hummus. So that was delicious but very strange. I pretty much didn't eat all day apart from the 2 coffees I had (one black, at home, then a frappuccino when I was out). Then I came home and made a huge saucepan of pasta, olives and vegan green pesto which I promptly devoured. Afterwards I shared some blueberries with Mummy. So I don't know how much I actually ate calorie-wise but maybe that's a good thing, maybe I should try to be more intuitive, I don't know. I didn't exercise, which was bad (third day running), but I'll make up for it tomorrow.
I'm still hungry, and it's midnight. I am craving a midnight snack and I know there are gummy sweets downstairs, and peanut butter... ugh I'm just craving sweet stuff so badly at the moment. Alternatively there's more hummus. Life is hard.
I had this insane idea earlier that I want to lose twenty pounds before school starts again and become a perfect student so I can be that perfect girl in her perfect apartment next year. Going on some kind of OCD/manic work bender is so appealing to me right now, as I miss the school schedule I'm more easily able to impose on myself when I'm at university. Next year I really do want to be the perfect student. I was never the perfect student at school, and I hated those girls that just seemed to be able to juggle plates - the ones who were in sports, all the extracurriculars, and got perfect grades. I could have been like that but I was a lazy shit who relied on merit and arrogance to get by. This time I know that I can actually be one of those girls. I have an obsessive side; I just need to indulge it. I need to employ the same kind of manic energy I apply to cleaning the entire house every weekend in my schoolwork, reading and languages. I need to impose a rigid structure on myself during term-time and I need to forget about feeling "comfortable". Comfortable doesn't mean best, comfortable doesn't mean "winning".
Veganism chimes in well with all of this. If I'm vegan, I'm "clean". My diet is more "perfect" and "pure" than the person sitting next to me on the underground, or actually, most of my friends. As for the benefits of veganism in weight loss... well, I will have to reassess after spending a couple of months living off coffee with soy milk and whole-watermelon-monomeals.
I don't know if any of that made sense. I'm in a highly energetic mood, despite the lack of pills today. I suppose I need to make some kind of plan. One that involves ungodly amounts of caffeine, Ritalin, and Dettox.
EDIT: Midnight snack involves croutons, olives, more hummus, a peach, and gummy sweets... The real shit starts tomorrow.
Saturday, 8 August 2015
Pilgrimage to holy sushi and other rants
According to Everyday Health, I burned 727 calories just by walking yesterday. Admittedly I walked for over three hours in the blazing heat from one side of West London to the other, all in the name of finding sushi. I found said sushi, and it was worth it. For about five seconds, until I realised how much food I'd consumed, stepped on the scale and saw 167.8 flash up at me a bunch of times.
For the record, I was 162 this morning, so I didn't actually gain. But I never want to see a number higher than 165 on my scales ever again. Seriously.
In some lights, this is very good news. 2000 calories of vegan food, and a couple of hours walking, and I've maintained. Even a month ago, that amount would have been weight-gain territory. So this, in its own little way, makes me happy.
Today I've eaten 3 bananas with peanut butter, an iced soy latte, 3 vegetable samosas with pakora dip, a full fat Coke (sugar craving, don't ask), a huge plate of steamed baby new potatoes with some sriracha ketchup and mustard (completely blanked on checking the calories, but I feel like it was probably a lot as I ate the whole bag - F U reduced Sainsbury's fruit and veg...), and a bag of banana chips. Then at 2 a.m., at some point during or maybe before I started crying on Skype to Lina about our relationship, I devoured most of a cinnamon-raisin bagel with peanut butter and Marmite. So yeah, I definitely hit around 2000 calories again today, but to make matters worse I didn't exercise. I just smoked a lot and felt like a sweaty pig dying somewhere in the Sudan.
More tomorrow...
For the record, I was 162 this morning, so I didn't actually gain. But I never want to see a number higher than 165 on my scales ever again. Seriously.
In some lights, this is very good news. 2000 calories of vegan food, and a couple of hours walking, and I've maintained. Even a month ago, that amount would have been weight-gain territory. So this, in its own little way, makes me happy.
Today I've eaten 3 bananas with peanut butter, an iced soy latte, 3 vegetable samosas with pakora dip, a full fat Coke (sugar craving, don't ask), a huge plate of steamed baby new potatoes with some sriracha ketchup and mustard (completely blanked on checking the calories, but I feel like it was probably a lot as I ate the whole bag - F U reduced Sainsbury's fruit and veg...), and a bag of banana chips. Then at 2 a.m., at some point during or maybe before I started crying on Skype to Lina about our relationship, I devoured most of a cinnamon-raisin bagel with peanut butter and Marmite. So yeah, I definitely hit around 2000 calories again today, but to make matters worse I didn't exercise. I just smoked a lot and felt like a sweaty pig dying somewhere in the Sudan.
More tomorrow...
Thursday, 6 August 2015
Summertime Sadness
The OCD inventories can take a brief hiatus here. I got horribly upset last night, about my sister leaving. She's moving to LA in six days. Up until last night it hadn't quite felt like a reality. Then it all hit me. She's going to be alone in a flat in LA and she's 18 and the idea of it terrifies me. So I broke down crying on her shoulder and I think it was probably the first real hug she'd given me in over a year.
I fell asleep at maybe 4am, maybe earlier, I don't remember. Then I couldn't wake up. I don't know why. Whether it was because I felt psychologically or physically shit or both. At this point, waking up at 4pm feels almost suicide-inducing. There's no worse feeling these days. I'd happily take anything over those afternoons. I wish I could find a way to wake up at 6.30am every day and be tired enough to clock off by 11pm.
I cannot do this anymore.
I weighed 163 this morning. I have no idea why I gained, but I did. I ate some crisps that I thought were vegan but they weren't, they had cheese powder in them. What the fuck is "cheese powder" anyway?
I'm going to the gym in half an hour or so, for a late-night biking session. I've had 2 frozen bananas liquified in the blender, with fruit sugar; a piece of bread and oil; a few plantain chips that were left over; an Innocent smoothie. Just over 500 calories. Post-workout snack will be a huge iced coffee with soy from Starbucks, because glorified over-priced caffeine-and-fat-laden milkshakes are really the way forward. I want to burn at least 400 calories at the gym. That way, even if I end up with an intake of 1300, my net will be <1000. Dinner will be... some kind of vegetable hoummous-y concoction. If said ingredients can be found in fridge.
EDIT
This evening I had a ton of brown rice, some soy sauce, sriracha, then a carrot salad with tomatoes and hoummous. I also had more of those crisps, regrettably, but I was starving. Didn't go to the gym but biked instead, only for 20 minutes this time but at least it was something. Also drank two coffees with soy from Starbucks while I called Lina on the phone.
Estimating net calories at 1250. Not terrible, not great either. And that's discounting the coffee, which is a stupid rule because obviously soy milk does have calories, but I'm stubborn and needy and the free coffee calorie rule makes me feel childishly secure.
Ugh.
EDIT
This evening I had a ton of brown rice, some soy sauce, sriracha, then a carrot salad with tomatoes and hoummous. I also had more of those crisps, regrettably, but I was starving. Didn't go to the gym but biked instead, only for 20 minutes this time but at least it was something. Also drank two coffees with soy from Starbucks while I called Lina on the phone.
Estimating net calories at 1250. Not terrible, not great either. And that's discounting the coffee, which is a stupid rule because obviously soy milk does have calories, but I'm stubborn and needy and the free coffee calorie rule makes me feel childishly secure.
Ugh.
Tuesday, 4 August 2015
Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 4
4/08 Intake
W: 163.2
Breakfast
- 2 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (250)
- Plantain chips (450)
Lunch
- Iced coffee, soy x 2 (x)
Dinner
- Falafel, brown rice, avocado, cilantro, lettuce, spring onions, sweet chilli and mustard balsamic vinaigrette (850)
- Diet Coke (1)
After dinner
- Peanut butter (120)
- Plantain chips (200)
+ 30 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-300 cals)
+ 2L water
Reading: 2 pages [28 still to do - carry over tomorrow]
Writing: 4 pgs (script)
Medications: 40mg Ritalin (20mg @ 3pm, 20mg @ 7.30pm)
Sleep: solid sleep from 3am - 6.30am; solid sleep from 6.45am-11.30am (took Melatonin/Beta-Blockers before bed)
NET 1571
W: 163.2
Breakfast
- 2 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (250)
- Plantain chips (450)
Lunch
- Iced coffee, soy x 2 (x)
Dinner
- Falafel, brown rice, avocado, cilantro, lettuce, spring onions, sweet chilli and mustard balsamic vinaigrette (850)
- Diet Coke (1)
After dinner
- Peanut butter (120)
- Plantain chips (200)
+ 30 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-300 cals)
+ 2L water
Reading: 2 pages [28 still to do - carry over tomorrow]
Writing: 4 pgs (script)
Medications: 40mg Ritalin (20mg @ 3pm, 20mg @ 7.30pm)
Sleep: solid sleep from 3am - 6.30am; solid sleep from 6.45am-11.30am (took Melatonin/Beta-Blockers before bed)
NET 1571
Monday, 3 August 2015
Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 3
3/08 Intake
W: 164
Breakfast
- Banana, peach, apple, mint, apple juice smoothie (350)
- Tomato chilli pasta (260)
Lunch
- Black coffee (x)
- Muesli with soy milk (180)
- Apple juice (100)
Dinner
- Jasmine rice, bombay aloo, mango chutney, popadoms (850)
- Diet Coke (1)
- Soy coffee frappuccino (x)
+ 40 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-400 cals)
+ 3L water
Sleep: solid sleep from 4am - 10am; intermittent snoozing from 10am-1pm
NET 1341
W: 164
Breakfast
- Banana, peach, apple, mint, apple juice smoothie (350)
- Tomato chilli pasta (260)
Lunch
- Black coffee (x)
- Muesli with soy milk (180)
- Apple juice (100)
Dinner
- Jasmine rice, bombay aloo, mango chutney, popadoms (850)
- Diet Coke (1)
- Soy coffee frappuccino (x)
+ 40 minutes moderate-to-high intensity cycling (-400 cals)
+ 3L water
Sleep: solid sleep from 4am - 10am; intermittent snoozing from 10am-1pm
NET 1341
Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 2
Following on from yesterday's post, just did another 40 minute bike ride and now my thighs are killing me, but another 20 tomorrow and a gym workout and I know I can get addicted to this feeling. I had a banana, mint, peach and apple smoothie for breakfast, followed by a bowl of tomato pasta at 4pm. So that's around 550 calories so far, and I'm going to have some cereal now. Dinner will probably be another bowl of pasta, some fruit, and black coffee. Or rice and avocado depending on what I want.
Lina is in France so communication is infrequent and via dodgy wifi. Seeing Tina tomorrow, then we have maybe 9 or 10 days before shooting starts again. So in my mind, that's 9 or 10 days to lose 5 or 6 pounds and plummet myself back into the 150s. I'm agitated about my calories. I don't know whether to keep restricting with this vegan thing, or just allow myself to eat freely and continue to work out. I know the former will produce results, but the second option is more sustainable.
I'm trying to write this screenplay on spec, but I literally have no idea what will become of it, whether it will even be useful. But I need a new project. Admittedly, the idea of filling my days with writing, smoothies and cycling is incredibly appealing, especially since I now know I only need sparse company to actually maintain a normal level of happiness. Writing is fulfilling and I haven't been doing much of it lately, just occasionally entertaining these brief and random creative ideas that never seem to go anywhere. So I need to get back to that. My other option is sitting on my ass watching movies until the 22nd of August, which won't do anything for me, beyond the instant gratification of being a lazy shit. No - the dream here is to be athletic, to use my body, to live my life. To write a little, sleep a little, eat enough good food to stay healthy and reap the rewards. Next year will be a dream, if all goes to plan. Finally we'll have our own space, and I can just get on with doing my thing. I wish there was a way to earn some money over the next month, but nothing looks promising. Again, living in poverty for a couple of months has its own sordid appeal, so maybe a steady diet of bananas and brown rice won't be so bad after all.
Becoming a chiselled bastard who only sleeps 6 hours a night and subsists off of green smoothies is a number one ambition of mine. The trick is entertaining myself enough that I actually want to wake up.
Lina is in France so communication is infrequent and via dodgy wifi. Seeing Tina tomorrow, then we have maybe 9 or 10 days before shooting starts again. So in my mind, that's 9 or 10 days to lose 5 or 6 pounds and plummet myself back into the 150s. I'm agitated about my calories. I don't know whether to keep restricting with this vegan thing, or just allow myself to eat freely and continue to work out. I know the former will produce results, but the second option is more sustainable.
I'm trying to write this screenplay on spec, but I literally have no idea what will become of it, whether it will even be useful. But I need a new project. Admittedly, the idea of filling my days with writing, smoothies and cycling is incredibly appealing, especially since I now know I only need sparse company to actually maintain a normal level of happiness. Writing is fulfilling and I haven't been doing much of it lately, just occasionally entertaining these brief and random creative ideas that never seem to go anywhere. So I need to get back to that. My other option is sitting on my ass watching movies until the 22nd of August, which won't do anything for me, beyond the instant gratification of being a lazy shit. No - the dream here is to be athletic, to use my body, to live my life. To write a little, sleep a little, eat enough good food to stay healthy and reap the rewards. Next year will be a dream, if all goes to plan. Finally we'll have our own space, and I can just get on with doing my thing. I wish there was a way to earn some money over the next month, but nothing looks promising. Again, living in poverty for a couple of months has its own sordid appeal, so maybe a steady diet of bananas and brown rice won't be so bad after all.
Becoming a chiselled bastard who only sleeps 6 hours a night and subsists off of green smoothies is a number one ambition of mine. The trick is entertaining myself enough that I actually want to wake up.
Sunday, 2 August 2015
Vegan cyclist bullshit, part 1
For a long time I sort of lost track of what I was eating, and what I weighed. We shot some scenes, and holed up in Bash's house for the best part of a week. I was on a come-down, and Lina's left now, which made me feel horribly upset, but I think things are going to start to look up soon. There are things to look forward to. Moving into the new apartment on the 22nd, and that will be great. Last night L and I talked about veganism and watched a bunch of cycling videos to amp ourselves up. We want to become superhuman vegan athletes. It's nice to have someone to do this with. Plus this always seems like the right thing to do - to cut out the b*llshit and just eat clean. It makes me feel and look my best.
We took out the bikes so I'm gonna start cycling round the park every day to train. There's an olympic-sized velodrome at the university, so getting into racing would be cool.
Breakfast
- 3 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (350)
- Iced soy cappuccino (x)
Lunch
- Cauliflower rice, tomatoes, parsley, spring onions, garlic, soy sauce (150)
- 1.5 cups orange juice (175)
Dinner
- Brown rice (410)
- Avocado (250)
- Sriracha (5)
Snacks
- Whole wheat toast (90)
- Banana (100)
- Cinnamon (0)
- Dates and peanut butter (300)
1830
Only 1 can of Diet Coke today. Not even upset about that number. Progress.
We took out the bikes so I'm gonna start cycling round the park every day to train. There's an olympic-sized velodrome at the university, so getting into racing would be cool.
Breakfast
- 3 banana/fruit sugar/water smoothie (350)
- Iced soy cappuccino (x)
Lunch
- Cauliflower rice, tomatoes, parsley, spring onions, garlic, soy sauce (150)
- 1.5 cups orange juice (175)
Dinner
- Brown rice (410)
- Avocado (250)
- Sriracha (5)
Snacks
- Whole wheat toast (90)
- Banana (100)
- Cinnamon (0)
- Dates and peanut butter (300)
1830
Only 1 can of Diet Coke today. Not even upset about that number. Progress.
Sunday, 19 July 2015
The Great July Stint part 2
The Stint, in all honesty, hasn't started yet. Trying to fix my sleep. Got back to London on Saturday night with Lina and feel vaguely weird about everything. I don't really know what I'm doing with my summer, or my diet, or my life. I need to get a job. We ordered Chinese tonight. Rice, curry, noodles and cashew chicken. I wish I was still a vegan, it was so satisfying even if I never lost any weight. My body seems to have become exceedingly comfortable with staying in the 161/162 range. Gym starts this week, and I'll try to litter my CV around somewhat. In bed now with Lina and it's 3am, which is early for me. Hoping to wake up in the a.m. and go buy some fruit for smoothies. Also I need to quit smoking so much. I suck.
Thursday, 16 July 2015
The Great July Stint part 1
I'm staying in my university accommodation. It's hard to know what I'm actually doing here. I suppose it's all under the guise of "sorting myself out", but only if sorting myself out secretly includes 3am orders to Dominos while on Skype to Lina and waking up at 10pm at night in a state of intense confusion. Yes, really - 10pm. I can't even remember what time I fell asleep but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere around midday.
It's now 5pm on Thursday; I woke up at 2.30, which to me is just as good as "resetting". At 3pm, I weighed 161.8.
This is "progress", but only for the fact that I weighed 161.8 after four days of gorging myself on 1200+ calories (and drinking on most of those nights). I have to remind myself that it's not normal to gain on 1500 calories - in fact, by most "normal" people's standards, 1500 calories is a diet. As it stands, being 19 days deep into a self-imposed summer restricting stint, 1500 calories is approximately 87.5 per cent more calories than what I have become comfortable with. And entirely not good enough.
I've set my "final" goal weight at 153 pounds for now - far enough under 160 not to get back into this range after a weekend of bad eating; far enough above 150 not to be tempted to immediately push to 140s, then lower, which could set me up for re-bound weight gain. I suppose my plan is to hit mid-150s, then channel all this obsessive crap into extreme healthy eating and exercise. I know I always say that, but when I'm actually there I think it'll be something I want to hold onto.
I want to be done with restricting by the end of August at the latest, by the time we move into the new apartment (~22nd). That gives me around 5 weeks to lose around 8 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad in itself - except it's me, and past evidence would appear to corroborate my paranoid theory that 8 pounds can take just about forever.
Without further ado, here are the rules:
- 900 calorie a day limit;
- Counting everything, including alcohol, and coffee;
- Plenty of water and caffeine, as per usual;
- Starting from next Monday, regular work-outs. As many as I can possibly persuade myself into.
Bring it on.
It's now 5pm on Thursday; I woke up at 2.30, which to me is just as good as "resetting". At 3pm, I weighed 161.8.
This is "progress", but only for the fact that I weighed 161.8 after four days of gorging myself on 1200+ calories (and drinking on most of those nights). I have to remind myself that it's not normal to gain on 1500 calories - in fact, by most "normal" people's standards, 1500 calories is a diet. As it stands, being 19 days deep into a self-imposed summer restricting stint, 1500 calories is approximately 87.5 per cent more calories than what I have become comfortable with. And entirely not good enough.
I've set my "final" goal weight at 153 pounds for now - far enough under 160 not to get back into this range after a weekend of bad eating; far enough above 150 not to be tempted to immediately push to 140s, then lower, which could set me up for re-bound weight gain. I suppose my plan is to hit mid-150s, then channel all this obsessive crap into extreme healthy eating and exercise. I know I always say that, but when I'm actually there I think it'll be something I want to hold onto.
I want to be done with restricting by the end of August at the latest, by the time we move into the new apartment (~22nd). That gives me around 5 weeks to lose around 8 pounds, which doesn't sound that bad in itself - except it's me, and past evidence would appear to corroborate my paranoid theory that 8 pounds can take just about forever.
Without further ado, here are the rules:
- 900 calorie a day limit;
- Counting everything, including alcohol, and coffee;
- Plenty of water and caffeine, as per usual;
- Starting from next Monday, regular work-outs. As many as I can possibly persuade myself into.
Bring it on.
Thursday, 9 July 2015
Unlucky 13
I have no idea why I'm even writing this post. Today was terrible. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and when I woke, at 2, I weighed 162.2 eleven times, then 161.4 once, then 161.8 twice. Then I practically slammed out of the bathroom and promptly devoured a banana, 2 tbsp peanut butter, vegetable stir-fry, and almost a litre of purple grape juice.
The day started off shit. The frantic kitchen mini-binge, whilst more controlled than its previous counterparts, reminded me of my gap year. This whole week has reminded me of my gap year, and it's been horrible. I don't know what has happened to me. I took 40mg of Ritalin, glugged 12oz of water, and tried to forget about it. I then called Lina (I was still, comparatively, in an OK mood at this point - despite a. the bad reading, b. my skin having gotten worse, and c. having just voraciously consumed almost all of my intake out of panic) and chain-smoked until I felt like getting in a bath.
I totted it all up, roughly, and I think it came to around 800 calories. And that's being generous.
Tonight was worse. My mum came home, I started crying because I felt so awful, my mum shouted at me, and then things escalated from there. I ended up a snivelling, shaking wreck on my bed, frantically messaging Lina that I just need to get out of this place for a while. Then I booked a train ticket for tomorrow night. For an indefinite stay at university.
I feel sick with guilt. I haven't seen my friends in a week; I haven't been to the gym in a week; I haven't really gone outside for a week, or engaged with my family. I hate how much I'm hurting my mother. All she wants is for me to help out and stay generally sane when she gets home. I'm such a disappointment to everyone, and I can't stand it.
The day started off shit. The frantic kitchen mini-binge, whilst more controlled than its previous counterparts, reminded me of my gap year. This whole week has reminded me of my gap year, and it's been horrible. I don't know what has happened to me. I took 40mg of Ritalin, glugged 12oz of water, and tried to forget about it. I then called Lina (I was still, comparatively, in an OK mood at this point - despite a. the bad reading, b. my skin having gotten worse, and c. having just voraciously consumed almost all of my intake out of panic) and chain-smoked until I felt like getting in a bath.
I totted it all up, roughly, and I think it came to around 800 calories. And that's being generous.
Tonight was worse. My mum came home, I started crying because I felt so awful, my mum shouted at me, and then things escalated from there. I ended up a snivelling, shaking wreck on my bed, frantically messaging Lina that I just need to get out of this place for a while. Then I booked a train ticket for tomorrow night. For an indefinite stay at university.
I feel sick with guilt. I haven't seen my friends in a week; I haven't been to the gym in a week; I haven't really gone outside for a week, or engaged with my family. I hate how much I'm hurting my mother. All she wants is for me to help out and stay generally sane when she gets home. I'm such a disappointment to everyone, and I can't stand it.
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Day 12
Intake:
-- Steel-cut oats (150)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (295)
-- Wholegrain chips (120)
-- 1/2 Elderflower cider (x)
Total: 566
The ridiculously low number of calories wasn't intentional, at least not consciously intentional. I had an argument with my mother about why I didn't want to go outside or come downstairs to talk today. I felt so depressed, antisocial and on edge that it took every ounce of will I had not to pack my bags and catch the next train out of London, back to my university accommodation. The thing that stopped me? My skin still hasn't healed. My chin is an exploding volcano. I have scabs from picking. I can't possibly go outside.
Consequently, I didn't leave the house until 10pm, and when I did, it was to call my father on a walk. My father, ranting and raving, told me he did not have the money to fly me out to see him this August. Which is just as well, because I've proven myself to be a truly haphazard and failure-prone person as of late. If I can't get out of bed here, I certainly won't be able to get out of bed in LA when I have an angry parent and sibling yelling at me when their plans go to shit.
For the record, my naive, angry, crazy eighteen year-old sister is supposed to be moving out there for a year (alone) in exactly a month. I won't even begin to go into the ethics of it all. The whole thing just gives me a fucking aneurism.
A 600-calorie diet should officially carry a warning for making you irate, on edge, manic, intensely nervous and moody, but it doesn't, and I forget this every single time. Then wonder why, just short of two weeks into restricting, I feel so bad. The skin thing hasn't helped matters. It took about half a bottle of concealer to actually convince me to leave the house, and when I did, I still worried that people would see the state of my face - in the dark.
I have serious problems.
Technically, I should lose another pound soon, considering it's now customary for me to stay at a number for a maximum of 2-3 days before dropping. Today, before eating, I weighed 161.4. This number doesn't mean anything to me now, when a week ago, it was all I could think about. And I actually felt slim yesterday. Today, alternatively, by some distortion of time or mood or something else, I suddenly look "enormous". This range simply will not do. I don't even think the 150s will do it for me now, but at least they're familiar, and I know I've gotten out of them before.
On the menu tomorrow: those konjac noodles, because my artistic brain recognises it as an opportunity to be creative for a minimal amount of calories. And, coffee. Always coffee.
-- Steel-cut oats (150)
-- Diet Coke (1)
-- Ham and mustard sandwich (295)
-- Wholegrain chips (120)
-- 1/2 Elderflower cider (x)
Total: 566
The ridiculously low number of calories wasn't intentional, at least not consciously intentional. I had an argument with my mother about why I didn't want to go outside or come downstairs to talk today. I felt so depressed, antisocial and on edge that it took every ounce of will I had not to pack my bags and catch the next train out of London, back to my university accommodation. The thing that stopped me? My skin still hasn't healed. My chin is an exploding volcano. I have scabs from picking. I can't possibly go outside.
Consequently, I didn't leave the house until 10pm, and when I did, it was to call my father on a walk. My father, ranting and raving, told me he did not have the money to fly me out to see him this August. Which is just as well, because I've proven myself to be a truly haphazard and failure-prone person as of late. If I can't get out of bed here, I certainly won't be able to get out of bed in LA when I have an angry parent and sibling yelling at me when their plans go to shit.
For the record, my naive, angry, crazy eighteen year-old sister is supposed to be moving out there for a year (alone) in exactly a month. I won't even begin to go into the ethics of it all. The whole thing just gives me a fucking aneurism.
A 600-calorie diet should officially carry a warning for making you irate, on edge, manic, intensely nervous and moody, but it doesn't, and I forget this every single time. Then wonder why, just short of two weeks into restricting, I feel so bad. The skin thing hasn't helped matters. It took about half a bottle of concealer to actually convince me to leave the house, and when I did, I still worried that people would see the state of my face - in the dark.
I have serious problems.
Technically, I should lose another pound soon, considering it's now customary for me to stay at a number for a maximum of 2-3 days before dropping. Today, before eating, I weighed 161.4. This number doesn't mean anything to me now, when a week ago, it was all I could think about. And I actually felt slim yesterday. Today, alternatively, by some distortion of time or mood or something else, I suddenly look "enormous". This range simply will not do. I don't even think the 150s will do it for me now, but at least they're familiar, and I know I've gotten out of them before.
On the menu tomorrow: those konjac noodles, because my artistic brain recognises it as an opportunity to be creative for a minimal amount of calories. And, coffee. Always coffee.
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Day 11
Intake:
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/2 c. raspberries (40)
-- 4 rice cakes (112)
-- 2 eggs (180)
-- Mustard (5)
-- Courgette "spaghetti" (google says 42, not 125... so we'll go with that)
-- 2 leaves Pak-Choi (4)
-- Teriyaki sauce (50)
-- Sunbites (134)
-- Starbucks coffee (x)
Total: 682
I feel... surprisingly full. Ended up buying the zucchini/courgette noodles and they were amazingly good, sauteed with the greens in some sauce. Definitely going to get those again seeing as it wasn't the traumatic experience I expected. I may or may not eat more. I do feel rather stuffed on a surprisingly small amount of calories, though, so I may take advantage of that. If I get hungry later I'll eat some dairy-free orange chocolate that I bought on my travels.
Also, I bought konjac noodles. You know, the ones with "0 calories" (more like 20 per serving, but whatever). They have a kind of odd chewy texture, but I feel like when you're starving, these kinds of weird-ass foods don't register as weird anymore. Potential lunch tomorrow? I'm just going to cover them in teriyaki sauce and hope for the best.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/2 c. raspberries (40)
-- 4 rice cakes (112)
-- 2 eggs (180)
-- Mustard (5)
-- Courgette "spaghetti" (google says 42, not 125... so we'll go with that)
-- 2 leaves Pak-Choi (4)
-- Teriyaki sauce (50)
-- Sunbites (134)
-- Starbucks coffee (x)
Total: 682
I feel... surprisingly full. Ended up buying the zucchini/courgette noodles and they were amazingly good, sauteed with the greens in some sauce. Definitely going to get those again seeing as it wasn't the traumatic experience I expected. I may or may not eat more. I do feel rather stuffed on a surprisingly small amount of calories, though, so I may take advantage of that. If I get hungry later I'll eat some dairy-free orange chocolate that I bought on my travels.
Also, I bought konjac noodles. You know, the ones with "0 calories" (more like 20 per serving, but whatever). They have a kind of odd chewy texture, but I feel like when you're starving, these kinds of weird-ass foods don't register as weird anymore. Potential lunch tomorrow? I'm just going to cover them in teriyaki sauce and hope for the best.
Earlier when I was in the kitchen cooking dinner my mother asked if I had lost weight. My response? "Uh... no. Maybe? Have I? I don't think so... maybe?" I am so poorly equipped for these kinds of questions. She said I looked like I'd lost weight from "around my middle". I don't know if that means my waist, or hips, or what, but it was strangely gratifying even if I can't see it myself.
Sometimes I think my self-judgement is very poor. Lina, also, pointed out that my weight loss was noticeable everywhere, including my face. I don't see it. Or at least, I didn't, until I walked down to the centre to get a coffee - (that's why I'm full) - and caught sight of myself in the window pane reflection of a shop front.
My legs looked... longer. And distinctly thinner around the top. My face, when I snuck a glimpse while walking past, happened to catch the light in a way that made me look (dare I say it) gaunt.
This is all very odd. While 160 pounds is nowhere near what I or the rest of society would consider skinny, it was noticeable to me - admittedly, only for a split-second, but a long split-second - that I had lost weight.
I don't know what to make of it, because in my head, anything above 150 at my height is huge. But today 160 felt okay. It felt manageable. It felt "slim". I felt lighter in my step, and it was fucking weird.
All this leads me to believe that I would probably, despite previous discussion on this blog, actually be satisfied with weighing 145 pounds by the end of summer. 145 when I was 18 felt hideous; 145 at almost-22-and-getting-older-by-the-day feels... really not so bad. More than "not so bad", it actually sounds pretty damn good. And if I can feel halfway decent at a body mass index of 23.5, a BMI 21.5 frame is nothing to complain about.
It's a pity I have to use controversial and "unhealthy" methods to get there, but my projected maintenance plan is so goddamn healthy that in my mind, this sort of cancels it out. (Sort-of being the operative term: I'm aware that starving yourself intentionally is never the best choice, and I absolutely do not promote restriction as a solution. However as someone who's been on the eating disorder spectrum for almost eight years, restricting's not a choice anymore, but rather a consequential and, for the most part, unavoidable dilemma - until I get to a place at which I finally feel more sane than in-sane. Or, at least, that's how it feels sometimes).
Miracle of God
By some miracle of God, or maybe just the laxatives I took last night, the scales read 161.8 when I woke up. I didn't gain. I'm not sure if that's a fluke or not, but I'm praying that it's not. Because if I do good today I could be 160 tomorrow, and 159 on Thursday, and so on.
I'm hoping that the promise of breaking the 150s in the next few days is enough to propel me head-first into extreme restriction mode. I'm not going out, I'm being an antisocial bitch and avoiding everyone, in part because I feel shitty about my appearance, but mostly because I can't deal with the interruption. Or the questions. Caro has made her opinion on this perfectly clear: restricting is dumb. Well, I can't be bothered to argue, so I'll just have to hide it.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/4 c. raspberries (20)
Since when was 135 a scary number for a breakfast meal? Now, suddenly, terrifyingly, it seems like just a "little" too much.
Tesco sells its own brand of "courgette spaghetti" (commonly known to the rest of the world - namely America - as zucchini noodles) that is somewhere around 125 calories for the entire tub. 125 also seems like too much, now that I think about it, but I suppose it's just vegetables "shaped" into what looks like pasta. This could be invigorating and mildly panic-inducing in equal measure. I... can't remember the last time I ate an actual pasta dish that wasn't a salad.
What would one even put with such a thing? Sauce? Dressing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I "branch out" for dinner options. I overthink everything.
I've lost ~7 lbs in 11 days. Is it unreasonable to want to ditch 10 more in the next 10? We'll see.
I'm hoping that the promise of breaking the 150s in the next few days is enough to propel me head-first into extreme restriction mode. I'm not going out, I'm being an antisocial bitch and avoiding everyone, in part because I feel shitty about my appearance, but mostly because I can't deal with the interruption. Or the questions. Caro has made her opinion on this perfectly clear: restricting is dumb. Well, I can't be bothered to argue, so I'll just have to hide it.
-- 1/4 c. steel-cut oats (90)
-- Almond milk (25)
-- 1/4 c. raspberries (20)
Since when was 135 a scary number for a breakfast meal? Now, suddenly, terrifyingly, it seems like just a "little" too much.
Tesco sells its own brand of "courgette spaghetti" (commonly known to the rest of the world - namely America - as zucchini noodles) that is somewhere around 125 calories for the entire tub. 125 also seems like too much, now that I think about it, but I suppose it's just vegetables "shaped" into what looks like pasta. This could be invigorating and mildly panic-inducing in equal measure. I... can't remember the last time I ate an actual pasta dish that wasn't a salad.
What would one even put with such a thing? Sauce? Dressing? I have no idea. This is what happens when I "branch out" for dinner options. I overthink everything.
I've lost ~7 lbs in 11 days. Is it unreasonable to want to ditch 10 more in the next 10? We'll see.
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