General grief

All in all, my day was shit. I have failed in all areas. Today started off badly. I had to wake up at the crack of dawn for a blood test at the surgery. It seriously traumatised me for some reason. It didn't even hurt that much, and after all those blood tests in hospital I'm virtually immune to the pain of it. I don't even care about needles any more. But it really upset me and I just started crying uncontrollably in the doctor's office. Starting to think about hospital and hospital beds and pain and IV drips and... it was too much. I walked out with my mum looking like a wreck and clutching my arm even though it didn't hurt one bit.

Then I came home and found that I had no energy all of a sudden. I had some food hoping that would get my brain working and it didn't. I couldn't face my coursework, even walking around felt taxing despite the fact that today was absolutely beautiful. Sunny and warm and a big blue cloudless sky. I didn't do a scrap of work until about 6 this evening, when the caffeine I'd had from about a litre of diet coke finally hit me. Then, I managed to write only two sentences before breaking down and crying.

I called my mother, who was at work, and I told her how frightened I was that I wouldn't get the coursework essay completed by Thursday night. Then we got onto the whole 'Should you really be taking your A levels in this state of health' conversation. That upset me even more. She said I needed to realise there were other options and there was no pressure or expectation for me to take my exams if I didn't feel up to it.

She doesn't understand, not fully, anyway. There is an expectation: my own. I need to take my exams for my own sanity. She doesn't understand how degrading it will feel for me to give up now and have to repeat a year in London. Alternately, she doesn't get how degrading it will feel to expend a ton of energy on taking my exams, and then failing and having to do retakes and a gap year anyway. I do not want to go back to school in September. I either want university, or I want a year of freedom, a job, maybe a bit of travelling and a lot of writing and being with people. I don't want to re-do school. The thought of it depresses me more than words can say.

So... I didn't get any work done today, which leaves me with 2.5 days to write 3000 words. Fuck my actual life.

Oh, and fuck it even more, because I binged. That's right. I'm a big fat failure who can't make herself work and can't even stick to her already ridiculously large calorie allowance for the day. I genuinely had finished eating by 7 and I was thinking, work didn't happen today, but at least I'll have the small victory of waking up thinner. But no. I go and stuff myself with an extra 1000 calories worth of food. Because I really needed that, at 10 pm right before I'm supposed to sleep.

Idiot.

I'm sorry. I just hate myself so much right now. I'll probably weigh 140 or something ghastly tomorrow morning. Should I even look on the scales? No, it will just depress me further, but I'll do it anyway. I fucked it. How can I guarantee I'll find work easier tomorrow? I can't. Can I guarantee making it through this summer? I can't stand the unpredictability of things.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Sorry for being so depressing and fat. I'll try to do better.

I love you all. Don't know what I would do without you girls. x