Tears

I'm in tears. At 9.30 in the morning, on this beautiful summery day, I am on my bed, feeling absolutely revolting. I do not understand my body. I weighed 141.6 lbs this morning. What the hell did I do yesterday to gain 1.2 lbs?! I didn't even binge! I kept way under 2000 calories, was walking around all afternoon in the hot sun with my friends, and everything I ate was basically very healthy. And it's not my scales going psycho on me - I stepped on them about 10 times just to make sure.

I feel so depressed. I hate gaining after I've binged, but at least I know why I've gained, at least I can own that gain. This is completely ridiculous. And it's not water weight, either, because I'm off my period (that was virtually non-existent and only lasted about 3.5 days) and I am drinking shit loads of water, and as a result peeing like a racehorse. The only thing I can seem to deduce from the past few days' slow creep up into higher numbers is that - fml - my metabolism is slowing down. For whatever reason. Maybe my metabolism was only high because I was really ill? Fuck knows. But a few weeks ago I was at 135, and not being anywhere near that makes me want to die.

The insane, eating disordered part of my brain is screaming, 'FUCK! YOU FAT PIG, DON'T YOU DARE LET THAT AWFUL NUMBER GET A CRACK HIGHER! RESTRICTION, STARTING NOW!' And, yep, I have to fucking ignore it, as always. But I am so tempted right now.

So, 1700 calories for me again today (supposedly 300 cals UNDER my BMR) and if I gain again in the morning, things will be re-assessed.

Yesterday, on the other hand, was absolutely exquisite. I don't know if any of you are in London - or nearby - but the weather was just... it was just heavenly. Normally I hate hot weather. I hate sweating, being on public transport when it's hot, having to wear shorts and skirts and show off my legs, etc. But yesterday was a dream. I went into school for a meeting about "my future" (basic rundown: I'm taking all my exams, because I'm stubborn, but my teachers, whilst willing to support any decision I make, don't seem to think I'll get the grades I want, and are worried I'll damage my health in the process of working towards unrealistic goals). Then I caught up with Caro and Tina. We went to the green and vegged out for about 4 hours in the sun, before doing a bit of window shopping and buying cigs and natural frozen yogurt. Perfect afternoon, if you ask me.

Last thing: I got back my blood test results, and everything that was wrong before hospital (platelets, liver function, etc) is back to normal. Except for my white blood cells (neutrophil) which are still low, but not dangerously so. They are still waiting to see if I can get my tonsils out this holiday, or if they need to do 'other tests' to check out why my WBC have dropped since I've been out of hospital.

Right, that's it. I'm off to sulk. I don't feel like going out today.