Right now, I am sitting here blogging from my neighbours' sitting room. I'm babysitting, their kid is in bed, and it's taking every ounce of will power I have not to just overeat. Not on their food - unless I feel like having a baby oaty raisin bar binge. I had the stupidity to bring the bag which contained a packet of crisps, some strawberry laces and a Milky Way chocolate bar left over from Sunday. I have already eaten the chocolate, which made me feel quite ill to be honest. Milky Ways are incredibly filling and sickly sweet. Yet I have had to double knot the plastic bag, zip up my satchel, and put it in the hallway in an attempt to physically stop myself from eating the whole flaming bag of food.
To make matters worse, I was up to 138.4 this morning, which quite frankly felt like a kick in the teeth, after almost a week of eating over 1,500 calories a day and maintaining a steady 137. I know that if I stop eating now, there might well be a chance that I see 137 again tomorrow. However, if I give in and eat the food that's in my bag, there's no way I will be any less than 138 in the morning. Maybe even *shudder* 139.
I NEED to get to 128. I cannot express how this is a necessity and not just a want. Every day I feel more and more resentful of the weight I am right now. The fact that I am still in the high 130s, and, as of late, astonishingly close to the 140s (a weight range I will dread returning to for the entirety of my adult life), makes me feel squeamish of seeing my own body in the mirror. Logically, in the eyes of others, I know I must look 'slim'. My BMI is around 20, my recently purchased size 12s hardly hold up around my hips, and my upper body feels - dare I say it - svelte. Almost. Not to mention the comments I received from my friends on Sunday. So why am I so goddamn torn up about the whole thing? Well, obviously it's because I've suffered with eating problems for half of my freaking life, but on the surface, I should just be thankful I'm not obese from the amount I've been shoving down my throat, and concentrating on more urgently important issues, such as my upcoming English exam.
It's next Monday and I don't know half the course, let alone how to write an essay on any of it. I wish I could just wing it (as I have done in the past, unfortunately with effortless success). But I know this time it's different. I can't just walk in there knowing nothing. I am panicking and it is not helping the fact that I can't sit down to work. The two fucking feed each other.
Well, writing this has taken my mind off bingeing, strangely enough. I hope I am sufficiently put off not to cave in the minute I close this window.
My plan is to regulate the amount of calories I'm eating, cutting down to a steady 1,300-1,500 a day until I'm back to around 136 lbs. Once I'm back there, I can restrict to 1,200 until I reach the next milestone (133?), 1,100 until the milestone after that, etc etc, until I finally reach 128. For crying out loud, it's only 10 lbs. It shouldn't be this hard.
Tomorrow will be better.
Below: the source of my procrastination.
Lol I am still laughing at what you said about Liam. Great way to end the post.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the 138. I wonder what happened??? The body is so strange. Have you thought about going down to 1200 cals a day totaly or is that too low?
Lately since I work out at the end of the day I have been hungry as all hell. It's so hard to not put anything into my belly. I tend to lean towards fruits or cashews.
Sorry to ramble. I hope things turn around soon. I can so see you hitting 128. I wonder if your body is trying to stabilize your weight or if you are suppose to be in that weight range( as if, right! ) I don't think my body wants to weigh less than 140lb but my body can suck it. Be glad I am feeding you damnit.
Okay I am done lol. See you on the next post.
Hey, beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI only just got through reading all of your most recent posts (for me, that means anything and everything from mid-May to now), so please forgive me for not having written in AGES. Lots of stuff has been going on (and down) on my end (lately, a lot of holding my breath and clinging to the edge of a knife - figuratively, of course), but I'm sort of back at work, with plenty of time to waste (ha, ha, not really). The only thing is, your banner picture at the top is superduperscandalous and I constantly catch my breath (the walls are glass and I always feel as though my colleagues are always watching) when I click onto another post and have to scroll quickly down! But I'll gladly take the thrill, in order to catch up on your life.
Anyway. I remember well, a year and a half ago (there or thereabouts), when you went by another nickname, had horrific fights with your little sister, and was hovering, just as unhappily as I, around in the upper 150s. You've come SUCH a long way, baby!! I know that right now, you're upset about where you are, but I'm still so proud of you and of the progress you've made. And I know that you'll get out of the 138 rut, because you're quite determined, admirably so.
On another note, I know exactly what you're describing when you mention the parallels between panicking and not being able to get anything done. When I was working on my History thesis in April, I ended up pulling so many all-nighters (when I had never previously pulled a single one), however unwisely, because I couldn't get panicked enough to do work without counting down the hours until the next set of pages was due, no matter how much I knew I had to do it. It's the worst part about having a deadline you're dreading. All I can say is, try and make it a game. Do you talk to yourself whilst studying? That's always fun - sometimes, I conjured an imaginary person, or called up my husband on Skype (when/if it was convenient for him, of course), or talked to the wall, to get it all through my head and straightened out. If you talk to an actual person, that helps to make you concentrate, because you can't quite wander away, mentally or physically, as easily as you can if it's just you. Also, singing about it is fun; that may be a rather silly suggestion, especially since I'm a songwriter and I realise that not everyone is, but setting your outlines to a favourite song helps you remember it - twice over. Nothing really does away with the fact that you have a mountain of work, but sometimes it gets more enjoyable. I don't know, I have no doubt that these suggestions are probably not what you need, as you're also fairly advanced in your education. But maybe you can deduce that I care.
Much love, and good luck with the plan as you've set it out,
<3.
That full feeling is one of the most awful feelings in the world. Well, to me anyway.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with you upcoming exam. I'm sure you'll be fine.
I look forward to reading more :)
xx