Yeah.

I hate posting twice in one day because I feel like it just annoys everybody. But I have various thoughts floating round my head that refuse to leave unless I write them down so here goes. Firstly I've had three glasses of wine - not my drink of choice, for the record, but all of my local shops have stopped accepting my fucking ID so I couldn't buy any vodka like I wanted to. For some reason they only let us buy it when we're in big groups and already slightly rowdy at like 1 in the morning. Before night time I'm just a child to them, with a card that states a date of birth which may or may not be legit. So fuck them. I need to eat less so I get drunk quicker because I feel just the same as I did an hour ago, except now I have less time to work before sleep. I bought some potato salad because it was cheap and have already had one pot, as well as two mini chocolate bars and a piece of toast; and now I'm sitting here feeling guilty and bloated and like I might as well just go and eat everything in the house because why not, I've already ruined today. I probably won't do it to myself, only for the slight chance I could see 139 tomorrow. Another thing. I'm missing Rebecca, like hell. I miss her because I need someone to tell me what to do, how to handle myself. I miss having someone keep me in check and someone to starve, binge, purge with. It's sick and twisted and unhealthy but I need it so badly right now, I need that intimacy, that closeness, that codependency. Now I have no one in my real life who even knows properly what I'm going through, I don't even have regular therapy anymore, and there's no one who supports me with losing weight, or trying not to binge, that I can just call or text or see to make it all better. Having that in my life was dangerous and addictive but it was also thrilling and wonderful and amazing and I miss it so much it hurts. I miss her. And the worst thing is, I can't even fucking call her. Or text her. Or message her. Scrap that, I just sent her a message on Facebook, it's not like she's even going to reply or take it seriously, but I had to send her a note asking if she was OK. I haven't spoken to her since February when I was in hospital and... God, I need her back so badly right now, I can't even explain it but it's like this hole in my heart, I thought I was OK but I'm really not...

I need to lose weight. I need to get back to 135 lbs. I want 137 by next Wednesday and then 135 by Tina's 18th if I don't get there I will hate myself. Jesus, I wish someone could just staple my stomach or remove the part of my brain which controls overeating, or more accurately doesn't control it... yes, I need a lobotomy, that's it. I need to forget all the shit that has happened to me. I need to just smoke menthols and drink coffee and think of Rebecca until this fucking weight falls off me. I hate the sight of my body so badly, I can't even tell you. I feel like I look 20 lbs heavier than I did at 135. At least then I had some semblance of control, now what do I have, apparently a new-found drinking problem and fat thighs, oh and like 10 effing spots on my face which are probably going to scar. Thanks body.

Sorry for the rambling but yeah I am in a bad place right now and the booze is starting to kick in, probably such a bad idea to get drunk and I will probably be having more straight after I close the laptop but yeah I should do some work.