So, as is always the case, I feel myself coming down from a good few days' worth blissful and blithe denial, into an all-too-familiar pit of self-loathing odium. And yes, my weight does have something to do with it. I got a really nasty shock this morning (well, to be more accurate, it was 4pm, because that's when I woke up) stepping on the scales and seeing a number I feel sick to my stomach recording. 146.8. Oh wow. So that's what happens when you enjoy yourself for a few days. What I simply don't understand, is that on Sunday night I weighed myself (AT NIGHT) and I was 143.8? So yeah I'm really confused. But I know it's not just the scales because I really do look as if I've put on weight. My thigh gap has disappeared and my face just looks tired and soft and not nearly as sharp as it usually does. That's all depressing beyond belief.
Currently feel like I'm in Nightmareland, so I'm taking a day off social frolicking and staying in with the fam. We (The Elite Squad plus Gabby) were going to go to this really low-key jazz bar in central London tonight, but I'm just not feeling it. I always envisioned looking like Liza Minnelli the first time I went to a jazz bar, and currently I'm definitely more gauche than gamine, so I think I'll pass. Plus my mother is worried about me 'going crazy' and wants me to take it easy for a night. Of course I'll probably end up drinking alone tonight out of depression while Bash and Alfie go out and have fun but whatever. I don't even care anymore. They can do what they want. I've got instant coffee and Suburgatory to keep me company. I win.
I guess a big part of me is like, 'whatever, you have an operation on Monday, you can eat whatever you like and smoke whatever you like and drink as much as you like because you know what? On Monday, that freedom goes straight out the window, so enjoy this while you can'. My logic is so flawed. If they even sniff that I am not up to my full strength on the 13th they won't proceed with surgery, so I probably should listen to Mother Dearest and lay off the rock and roll lifestyle for a few days.
My one-oh-five pound sister is downstairs eating a chocolate croissant and a full fat hot chocolate at the kitchen table. Anyone got a gun, so I can just get it over and done with now? Seeing her stuff her face and still stay under 8 stone when she's practically my height would drive anyone to suicide.
That is annoying. I don't understand it. Do you think you could have a thyroid problem? I mean I couldn't lose weight for nothing before I started to take my meds. I would lose 5lbs and that was it. It was like nothing I did helped.
ReplyDeleteGod forbid if I didn't eat right and exercise. I would gain quickly. It sucked. You may want to look into that.
You are trying so hard, I know you are. I don't understand why your sister had to get all the good genes. I know my twin did >.<
I couldn't stand having to live that way,with someone being so tiny and being able to eat whatever the fuck they want. And I'm sorry about Alfie and Bash being together while you're at home sad and depressed. You are so entitled to it though.
ReplyDeleteI love Liza Minnelli!
ReplyDeleteAnd also the gamine look which I've tried to rock in the past
I've started watching Suburgatory too, it's funny
Hang in there Gabby x
I've heard that "Suburgatory" is a really good show. Should I look into it? Friends and company can come in all different forms - ain't nothing wrong with spending time with onscreen (silver or TV) characters who don't talk back to you, or lie to you, or steal your boyfriend, or whatever. You win, indeed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I can't look at that picture and not think of the movie, "Titanic." It's amazing, thanks for posting it.
Love,
<3.