Weird night/day. My mood keeps changing from cold and hostile and depressed - I don't direct it towards anyone in particular, but it ends up unwittingly targeted at Alfie - to warm and happy and feeling like I am on top of the world. The rapid cycling is really starting to tire me out. More than that, it fucks with my sense of self, and I forget who I really am. Sometimes I feel like I'm thirteen again. Lost and confused and 10 different people according to who I was with, so desperate to fit in. Like I forget everything I've built and created and developed over the last five years, which just freaks me out, because it's a carefully constructed scaffold, and if that comes down, I worry I genuinely won't have any protection, or any kind of identity, which is terrifying to say the least.
To Winter... I get blood tests every month, ever since my hospital stint in February, so I'd know if I had a thyroid issue. To be honest it's surprising I don't sometimes, but then again, I know it's not my hormones stopping me from losing a certain amount of weight, it's my own stupid psychoses about food and my body, and an unfaltering binge eating disorder to boot; so I'm definitely not at a loss of understanding as to why I can't keep my weight at a steady level. I fluctuate because my moods fluctuate and with that, so does my eating. It sucks.
I've got into the habit of waking up in the afternoon, eating at home despite going out later... then going out later, drinking shitloads, and more often than not I'll smoke weed, which is always followed by stuffing my face (not with proper food, but disgusting fatty junk food) from like 2-5 am. Then I'll sleep at 6am, rinse and repeat. I guess the one good thing about pot, is that it makes you sh*t like nobody's business... so everything that has gone in, is quickly coming out (ew) - and no, I can't describe that any less indelicately. Luckily, today my eating really wasn't that bad... in comparison to how it has been as of late. I got about 3 hrs sleep which made me feel like crap, then we went to the cinema midday (my friends dragged me out of bed by my ankles) where I had a big ass diet coke with ice, and some of this banana smoothie I stole from Bash's fridge. I walked across the whole of west London with Alfie so I must have burnt a shitload of calories from that alone. Especially since it was so hot. We shared this thing of nachos from a Mexican place. I didn't have that many. Maybe like 10 (it was a huge plate) but it had cheese and guac on it so I don't know. Probably pretty caloterrific. Then when I got home at 8pm I had a chickpea & feta salad, a Hershey's bar (my sister's friend gave her a massive box of the cookies & cream bars to try, so I caved. I'm a sucker for white chocolate), some more banana smoothie, and 1/2 peanut butter sandwich. Yep. Not great, but seriously, when you've been exceeding 2000 calories a day for like a week straight, I felt like I seriously under-ate today. Plus I didn't drink any alcohol which apparently is a rarity for me these days... so that was... good? I guess? I felt empty and weird without it, but then again I feel empty and weird with it, so I can't win really, can I.
So, this day came in at a calculated 1061 and all the trekking to and fro must have given my body a little push and a shove in the right direction... ooh! I forgot to mention. I'm starting to exercise again. In small ways. I know what you're thinking... totally pointless when she's eating a ton of fast food every night, but you know what? I looked in the mirror today and actually thought, I may weigh 147 lbs which is the amount I weighed pretty much all of last year, but I'm way more toned than I was back then. I can actually see hints of abs. Which is surprising, because for as long as I've been aware, there's been quite a distinct layer of fat covering any potential muscle that may be lurking in my abdominal area. But no. This evening, my friends, I saw OBLIQUES! I think I have that body type that like, puts on fat pretty easily, but it also puts on muscle just as easily without too much work, which is totally awesome. I want my post-hospital body back. I miss when there was nothing else to do but to work out and do yoga and eat baby food... I'm not going to start eating baby food again, but I am definitely going to start working out more. Even 30 mins a day and I start seeing a difference fairly quickly.
OK I've rambled on enough... I'll probably read this back tomorrow and think what-the-fuck as I usually do when I read back my late-night entries, but I have an excuse for sounding like a moron. I'm officially crowning myself a fucked-up jacked-up emotionally-unravelled trainwreck of a teenager with trust issues and insomnia who's smoked too much god darn fricking pot. Word.
Reading this was like looking back on a journal entry of mine! We are so similar; I totally am ruled my incrediable moodiness, which does effect how I eat and I have the same thing where I'll have a few good days then a binge and then I keep binging but eventually I'll go back to better days and binge again and everything about me is such a rapid cycle. It so fucking sucks and I'm so sorry you're the same way, because you just spend most of the time feeling out of control, and when you have an eating disorder, that is the absolute worst way to feel. And also, I totally eat cookies'and'cream bars when I binge. Random, but another thing we have in common :]
ReplyDeleteThat's so cool you have some abs going on. And walking is so great for toning too, so even if you have intakes of 1000-1500, as long as you're walking and just being physical, even in everyday ways like cleaning, remember you're burning calories!
Thank you for responding to my question. Awwww I was hoping and not hoping( since the meds cost a lot ) that it would be an excuse.
ReplyDeleteBinge eating and problems with food. That stuff is hard to overcome. Like.....I am trying to think about it now...what am I going to do when I go on vacation for 3 weeks out of my comfy zone. The thought alone is scary.
Not rambling at all. You are trying to understand your body and what the heck it is doing. I know the body can sometimes want to be at a certain weight which is why some people get to a certain number and have a hard time losing or maintaining the low number they like to be at. That is going to be me. My body like 142lbs but yeah no. I am the one who has to dress you, bath you, feed you, the least you can do is let me get to a weight I like.
You present some of the most intriguing, vivid imagery in your posts - the scaffold picture is an especial example of this. I love your writing, and your introspection is both admirable and enlightening. I seriously love reading what you have to say (and I'm really trying to catch up so that I can actually respond in a more timely manner, so sorry!). I promise I'll be caught up by your birthday, that's my deadline (17 September, am I right?).
ReplyDeletePart of what makes exercise so great, even in such small quantities, is the mental boost it gives one. Like a placebo, only an active one...? Geez, does that even make sense? My point is that you almost start to look at yourself differently as soon as you finish. Which is very often necessary, with me.
Love you,
<3.