Oh my God! Worst pain ever this morning (ears in particular) but I'm in the middle of this blissful Voltarol-induced numbness window where I literally can't feel anything. I'm not joking, everything in my mouth is numb unless I prod at it. Took the opportunity to eat some cooled-down mashed potatoes and homemade chicken pie. Literally heaven on a plate - I'd hardly eaten all day except a few lollipops and some applesauce. Total calories: a bit under 1000... maybe 950? I've re-watched all the Indiana Jones films, Jurassic Park, Breakfast at Tiffany's, all the classics, you know... and I've been reading too. For the first time in like, ages, voluntarily. Forgot that I actually enjoy reading for pleasure. It's been alright this evening. I expect I'll wake up in agony tomorrow as per usual, although tomorrow will officially be my day 8, which means I'm coming up to the day 10 mark (the point where things turn around, if you're healing correctly). It is a case of getting worse before you get better with this surgery. So hopefully I'm just in the really bad stage and soon enough I'll be on the path to painless happiness - and the ability to speak properly, walk around without feeling dire, and, dare I say it, eat meals in under half an hour again...
Although having said all that, there's this really terrible part of me that I KNOW will miss being sick. Like, I know it's awful and everything. But being ill is what I know... it's become my security blanket this year. My way of hiding away from the world, and the physical pain kind of numbs out the psychological one. Not to mention I always lose weight when I'm ill (this time last week I was 149 lbs; this morning I am 142), and if it's not because of a physical incapability to eat a lot as with tonsillitis, then it's because I'm being provided with the perfect environment in which to control my calories without any distractions.
So I'm, like, definitely going to be back in the 130s by the end of the week. I wonder what kind of diet I'll adopt when I regain my health and recover from this beastly ordeal.
In between blocking out the pain with films, I've been thinking a lot about next year. And shit. I'm really clueless about what's gonna happen to me. Next year, and in general. I have so many questions. So many.
Growing up is such a bitch and everything does change. You'll be very fortunate if you stay in contact with 5 of your friends, as I've seen maybe 1 or 2 will be people you see every once in a while. Everyone just changes and has all their own plans and drama after high school.
ReplyDeleteAnd there is always so many questions, but honestly the only answers can be found in hindsight; 20/20 you know :]
Wow it seems like everyone is leaving. The opposite when I finished school. The only person who went away was my ex and he stopped talking to me for years. He just finally started talking to me and even said sorry for not talking to me. I was glad he came to his senses.
ReplyDeleteYes I like the idea of you spending time to focus on you. That is what I would do. I did.....somewhat before hubby and I got back together.
When I was in eighth grade, my teacher had us write letters to our future selves, and she sent them out to us four years later, when we were graduating high school. The reason I bring this up now is because when I got mine in the mail and opened it, and read through it, it looked exactly the way the latter half of this post is: it was basically just a list of questions about the future. The last one you listed, I think, is the most philosophical and most incredible. The thing is, no one ever knows what tomorrow will bring - we just hope, and prepare for the eventualities. I hope everything you want comes your way, and that the things you fear will not come to pass. And trust yourself. Because you are trustworthy.
ReplyDeleteYay for reading for pleasure!
Love,
<3.