Disenchanted

Food today:

Slice of toast with butter, 125 cal

Coffee w soy milk and honey, 130 cal

Tuna cucumber sandwich, 380 cal

Packet of crisps, 265 cal

Diet coke, 2 cal

Pink lady apples and grapes, 65 cal

967 calories and I'm not hungry for anything else today. Maybe I'll have alcohol for dinner. I'm not really thinking about food right now nor am I making particularly healthy choices; I don't have the money. I was so broke today I couldn't get into school. I ate white bread for Christ's sake... and crisps... I mean really what is happening to me. 

I'm really depressed but for other reasons besides my weight... of course that's not helping, but the main issue is that things are really difficult at home. I feel like ever since I've been back in London I haven't been able to connect with my mother at all. I've been a little bitch to be honest and she hasn't exactly been pleasant back. I don't like the way I'm behaving at all, it's not like me. I thought I'd moved past it, that's all. I mean I've lived with my mum for a long time now, just the two of us I mean, and we've had the best relationship, totally calm and non aggressive so I don't know what's happened. I don't know, I feel like I've completely lost my relationship with her in the space of 2 weeks or something, it's horrible. I know that can't possibly be true but it feels so bad between us right now. She's aggressive towards me regarding my accomplishments and failures and keeps going on about how I'm not doing anything with my life and I squander every opportunity, that she's had to 'put up with me all year' and basically acts like I bring everything on myself. That makes me aggressive with her in response and I end up saying things to her I don't really mean, all because I'm unhappy with myself. i've just become sort of cynical and disenchanted with everything and I guess I need to go somewhere or do something that will change that. Ever since going to Amsterdam for the 2nd time I've realised I really want to get away from London. It's like I have the travel bug or something. I feel like I'm sitting in this hole waiting to escape to uni, while all my friends are moving on with their lives. There is nothing for me here right now. 

Speaking of university, I went to visit Caro last night before we went to this university party at a club in town. She's living in halls in North London so I met her flatmates and we hung out with them for a bit, it was nice. We bought this vanilla vodka stuff that was actually amazing so we had a lot of that with diet coke for pre-drinks. By the time we got on a tube to central I was so bloated it was unreal, like I actually felt sick from the chocolate and crisps I'd had before we went out. Mental reminder to never eat the hour before I go clubbing. I think I did it because I was subconsciously pre-empting a late night drunken binge, so I shovelled my face full of crap early thinking I'd be eating all night so 'why the crap not' kind of thing. Turns out being in a club full of sweaty bodies dancing for 3 hours straight is the ultimate remedy for weight loss... Jesus, what a work out. Even though I'm 145.2 lbs this morning after eating junk - so not exactly skinny - I can feel my muscles tensed up from all the dancing. It's sort of addictive. I didn't actually drink in the club, except for downing 4 glasses of ice cold water at the bar over the course of the evening. I'd had about 300 calories work of vodka beforehand and I purposely only brought enough money for the bus journey home.

Now I want to talk about the feeling I got when I was at this party... wow, I don't think I'd felt like that in a long long time. It was such a rush! I was dancing away in the middle of this huge cesspit of sweaty bodies and I was on this platform with Caro, higher than the crowd, everyone was looking at us, and all the boys were looking at us wantonly. This one guy actually tried to stick his tongue down my throat and the minute that happened I was completely revolted and freaked out, so I've deduced that I like the attention but I'm not really ready for random college dudes trying to get it on with me. I texted Alfie today. He says he really misses me and definitely wants me to visit soon. Makes me realise what a decent guy he is. 

Stoptober is going good in terms of I haven't smoked once since Sunday night. It's going bad in the sense that nicotine withdrawal is really not doing me any favours. Personally I think I should make it 'Stop being such a bitch-tober' in conjunction with the quitting smoking.

I believe I'm going out of London tomorrow to see Tina and visit her in halls, then straight back for theatre. Thursday I'm gonna make up the hours from school that I missed today (which I feel terribly guilty about). Weight wise I need to get back to 142, then 135, then lower. I also want to go clubbing again.