Too depressed to eat

I give in trying to pretend any longer that I am okay. I am not okay. I'm depressed. Completely and utterly miserable. My life is just stagnating, whilst everyone else around me is flourishing and moving on. The one person who is as lonely and lost as I am right now is Charlie, and she doesn't want me in her life anymore. I haven't been in school over the last two days. I think I've got sinusitis again after smoking in Tina's flat over the weekend - that was a bad idea. I haven't been into school either yesterday or today and that makes me feel like an unproductive, worthless waste of space, while just confirming every expectation I had of this year - that I would fail at everything I tried to do, and not be able to drag myself out of bed in the mornings. I'm actually considering going back on anti-depressants because I am so sick of going into these states of fluctuation with my moods and feeling so sad every time I don't have something to immediately occupy my mind, like socialising or working. I keep having fucked up flashbacks of my childhood then randomly breaking down and crying. I don't know what else I can do, I'm having no psychological support at the moment, my mum just rolls her eyes whenever I tell her I'm sad and gives me tough love, saying I need to get out and exercise, be active and put myself out there/get a job. I havent had therapy all year. My sister doesnt really get it as she's still in school, she doesnt understand the guilt complex I have over spending days indoors being unproductive. I have this place, I talk to Tina about it a lot and occasionally Caro and Alfie but it's not enough. It's wonderful to have supportive friends but it's not enough.

I felt too sad to eat properly today. Every time I looked at food I just started crying. All I've had is a banana, yogurt, and apple for breakfast. Then this evening I had a few bites of chocolate and some spag bol my mum had made for my sister, but stopped because I was like 'Why am I doing this' and made a huge salad instead. Didn't even finish that. I should be happy about this but I weighed and I am still a whale.

Sometimes, I think that maybe, I should just embrace the depression. Let it wrap me up like a blanket. It's so familiar and comforting in a way. I dont have to face the real world, or reality, or anything. I just get utterly absorbed in my own head, and my memories. Nothing else matters. I hate it but I love it at the same time.

Sometimes I wish I could just go into a hospital or something, where they could take care of me and I wouldn't have to be a part of society or the real world anymore. Somehow I get to be surrounded by all these other poor damaged souls like Charlie and Rebecca, who just get all the attention poured onto them, get to be talked about all the time, get to be concerned for and worried about and wondered about. No one knows how I truly feel because I don't wear my damage on the outside. I keep it in a dark place inside my brain for no one to touch or visit or see. I wish I could just unlock the key and let it consume me but I'm too good at pretending I'm fine, too good at pretending I'm OK.
 
Looks like I've lost my appetite for the time being, so I guess that's one thing working in my favour.

Sorry for the horrendous post. I genuinely don't expect anyone to comment or even know what to say but if anyone has any words of comfort I would appreciate it so much. I am just feeling so lost right now.