Holy shit.
Okay. Time to breathe. But I'm freaking out. So my dieting's been a little haywire lately. So I've binged a little. But not nearly enough to quantify this scale of weight gain! I mean - 148.6, are you fucking kidding me?! I'm only half a stone off my highest weight... this is freaking disgusting.
After seeing that number on the scales, my entire body filled with dread. I do not even want to look at food right now. Well, I do, in fact I want to eat all the food I can get my hands on, but if I keep telling myself I don't want to look at it maybe I'll start believing it.
I have two important dates coming up I need to drop weight for. I'm attending a big student union Halloween party at the end of the month, thrown at Tina's university. I'm going to go as a demented asylum patient with fake blood all over my hospital gown and a syringe and look absolutely disgusting. It's gonna be great. But I need to be skinny enough that I can gaunt myself out with makeup but let my body do the rest of the talking... so I'm aiming for 138 by the party. Then on the 3rd November ALFIE'S COMING HOME (for a few days before he jets back up to uni) and obviously we're going to be seeing each other so I needneedneed (I can't express how much more this is a need than a want) to be 136 by then. So I can be super adorable with jeans falling off me like I was during study leave, and he'll love me so much he won't be able to stop picking me up.
As to my methods of getting there, I'm going to go against everything I said in my last post and declare I really don't give a tuppence about playing it safe right now. I have deadlines and I need to meet them. NEED. So it's gonna be 600 a day until I'm down to 140, then maybe I'll push it to 138 with a little good old fashioned fast before Halloween. When I'm back from Tina's uni I'll fast until the 3rd so that I can undo any drinking damage that may have occurred.
Charlie deleted all of us off Facebook. So that one's over. I'm tempted to run around singing 'Ding, dong, the witch is dead' but I think that might be a little dishonorable at this moment in time, so I won't.
I'd love to join you. I 'normally' have 800 calories as a limit, but I really can't stick to it at all times. Not always my f****** lack of willpower...but I've never been good at arguing and refusing to eat when people tell me.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'll be with you. Tomorrow I start. I binged today. Just a small one, but I've binged hard lately, so even the smallest amount of food will be a gain on the scale.
tempting to join you as I to need a dramatic drop before Halloween. I wont promise but I'll take it 1day at a time, starting tomorrow, I'll aim for 600 instead of my usual 1000cals.
ReplyDeleteBTW love the Angie thinspo, Girls Interrupted is a classic, the ballerina anorexic is so tragicaly cliché yet I loved her 2nd best after psycotic angie.
I've been following your blog for a while, but ust got up the courage to say hello.
ReplyDeleteI'm a big admirer of your nitty-gritty determination, but an even bigger fan of your style of writing. You're a pillar of strength and an inspiration when you're doing well, and a delight to read, even if you're not.
Whenever I get down, you seem to be up, and I've stuck to it lots of times thanks to you. Now is one of those times.
So... thanks for inspiring me. :)
You can do this. I also need to get myself in gear. We don't need food, and we will resist if! I desperately want to be picked up all the time without feeling like I'm causing the guy pain, and to look gaunt enough on Halloween. That'd be ideal.
ReplyDeleteKeep thinking about why you're doing it. Push yourself like never before. Because this is what we do.