Just another of the broken-hearted

So I haven't posted in a while, some stuff's gone down. Firstly, I sort of just found out that the guy I was having a thing with all summer (Alfie) actually liked someone else all of that time and was meanwhile texting her that he was in love with her and couldn't keep it to himself any longer. I found this out last night when I was in a bar with all of my friends so I couldn't exactly flip out because no one knows I have fucking feelings for him. Screen munch of his conversation with this girl, waved in my face. He was saying some serious stuff to her, stuff like 'You were my first love; I can't keep it to myself anymore, I am in love with you and always have been'. It was a bona fide conversation that is now fucking public property. You can imagine how much that got to me, and how much it hurt to hide my true feelings from close friends who don't know a thing about my relationship with him this summer.

At the same time as this was happening I just kept saying to myself, I have no right to be hurt or pissed off because it's not like he was my property. He never said to me that he loved me. or was in love with me. I don't even recall him saying he liked me, only that he cared about me and 'didn't want to hurt my feelings'. And I never said it to him (that I was falling for him) so I probably have no right to be upset or possessive. Fucks sake, the guy cheated on his last girlfriend (who was my best friend at the time) with me, and then he had a thing with Bash because he thought I'd given him 'permission' to get with anyone as we weren't exclusive so you know it's all very messy and he was never 'mine' so to speak so I can't get upset really can I, I just have to move on and accept that yeah, he probably did like me somewhere along the line, but evidently, he likes a lot of people, and I am not to be considered anything special. He was practically public property this summer because what we had wasn't known by anyone but us. So actually he had free license to do whatever he wanted outside our 'relationship'... if you can even call it that... and technically I did too. But now I just feel kind of strung along. Like I was his play thing this summer while he was actually having feelings for someone else. I was just someone to wipe his tears away and massage his ego for a few months while shit was going down in his house and with his parents and with all his fucking women. 

He knew I liked him and yet he was still doing this.

I admitted to him that I liked him straight off the bat,

the night we got off I put everything on the table

I was drunk so it all came out

I was like well Alfie here are some things you have to know about me

Firstly I'm fickle one minute I like someone the next I'm entirely disinterested

Secondly Charlie is my best friend and we have to accept the consequences if this comes out

Thirdly I have feelings for you which is extremely rare for me as I have huge trust issues when it comes to guys

I was completely open

Laid everything out on the table

It was the beginning of summer

and yet knowing that I liked him

and trusted him

he proceeded to

a) get off with one of my best friends right before my very eyes

b) secretly be texting another girl telling her he was in love with her and couldnt hold it in any longer while we were still doing our thing

c) never tell me about any of this and be dishonest about all of it

Ughhh.

Food? Weight? Dieting? Fuck that shit. I'm serious, last week I made the decision to forget about my weight for a few months and restricting. Because guess what, it got super bloody cold in London super quickly, and I've realised there is actually no way that I can attempt to starve my body over the Winter. For starters the second the weather gets like this, my already-shitty immune system is even more prone to being weak and crap at trying to fight off illness. Throw in a starvation diet and you're fucked. So I've been starting to build up my calories up from 500 a day, where I left off, to 2000, my BMR. Currently I'm at 1500 without gaining the next day, which is definitely an improvement, but I still need to get up to 2000 before I can properly settle my body into eating intuitively. I don't know, I guess I'm trying to mend myself somehow. It's like I've realised I am the only one responsible for myself right now, no one else is going to be in this body in 10 years time, so I need to start treating myself right. Someone I thought I could trust - in fact, the first guy I think I've ever truly opened myself up to - hasn't treated me very well. I realise that now. So it's time to treat myself with some respect. And yeah on Halloween I won't weigh 138 lbs, I'll be like 146 and probably hate myself. But I need to try to like myself, or at the minimum feel comfortable with myself, at this weight, because obviously my body naturally wants to be here at the moment and there's no use battling against that when I need to use my mind for other things. More important things like my schoolwork and getting a job and trying to get over the guy I fell for, the guy who's just broken my heart. 

I will try and update soon on how it's all going, I don't think this is the end. I think it's just the beginning. I'm hoping it will be a better path this time and that eating more is the right decision. I'm going into this blindly, whatever fucked sense of recovery this will turn out to be, but I could use anyone's support right now. Just feeling completely shattered and like all I really need this Christmas is a hot water bottle, a good book and my mum's home cooked food.