Today was better. Much better. I ate, but I didn't binge. 1500 maybe. It would have been less but me and Tina went out on the town for sushi and then late night coffee near my house afterwards, so it added up to more. At least I actually ate some fruit and vegetables today though. I haven't been doing well in that department over the past week.
I'd like to say my depression is lifting but I think it has started to creep back in now that Tina's left. Isn't that pathetic? Tomorrow I know I'll be back to dreading my art days on Monday and Tuesday (for which I have done none of the work assigned to me) and hating the fact that I'm still jobless despite having applied to about 5 over the last two weeks (not one of them has got back to me. Fuck society).
Another depressing thing was that yesterday, I bought a new pair of jeans because my current ones (UK12s) have started falling off me. Probably because they've stretched, not because I've lost weight. So anyway this new pair are also a size 12, but when I tried them on this morning they barely did up. I could just about zip and button them up but my hips splurged over the edge. Fuck. So even size 12s are getting tight on me now? That is seriously awful. I don't understand it, as I wore 12s at 156 lbs... so how are they not doing up at 145 lbs... that's what I want to know. And they're not even a small size, that's the shitty thing. They're stretch jeans. Oh well. A true sign that I need to get my ass in gear (quite literally), asap.
So yeah I was up to 145.2 today after yesterday's big fat binge. But I have faith that I can be back to 143 on Monday morning, and hopefully from thereon out it will be sticking to the straight and narrow until I reach 135 once again. I've decided there is no point in me trying to stick to a set diet plan anymore. I just freak out and binge, or eat other foods I haven't planned to eat, which triggers me into fucking it up. So I think I will just say keep to under 1000 calories for now, keep busy, and the more caffeine, the better, in my opinion...
Earlier I was trying to re-motivate myself by reading back on old posts. I've also been reading Jean Stein's biography on Edie Sedgwick and they outline what kind of things she used to eat. It was funny things like roast beef sandwiches, salads with lashings of Russian dressing, orange juice and lots and lots of coffee/cigarettes/alcohol to wash it all down. Granted, she was probably throwing half of it back up given how thin she was, but still. I kind of like the Edie diet. It appeals to me. She doesn't really banish 'bad' foods like peanut butter or cookies. She just had them once in a while (probably after coming down from a 3-day amphetamine-fueled high) and I think she also used to work a lot of it off by dancing and exercising obsessively. So maybe I'll do that. Move around a lot and be jittery and manic and a social butterfly, and eat a big chicken salad sandwich every now and again. Sounds good to me...
The only thing I won't be doing a lot of is smoking. I only smoke socially now (ie. when I'm drunk) and I have a rule about not doing it alone anymore. I don't even own a pack of cigarettes at the moment, when I do have them I bum them off other people, so that stops me from temptation a little I guess.
I like the pink Rockstar but I must say that Monster Absolute Zero is my favourite. Plus, the can isn't smaller for the same price like the pink Rockstar. The Edie diet sounds interesting, I'm sure you can go with that no problem. Looking forward to the dress photographs! xx
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