Day 7
166.2 lbs, was expecting a lot worse. So far today I've had:
-1 c. black coffee with light cream and Splenda (25 cal)
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal (100 cal)
-2/3 c. cereal (90 cal)
-Smoked sausage with mustard (305 cal)
-1 c. pasta with tomato sauce (100 cal)
Plus gum, about a litre of water and 500ml Diet Coke. The sausage and pasta was completely unplanned and brought the total up to 620.
I'm not going to beat myself up about it. As long as I don't go over 800 today it should be fine. I'm planning on 100 cal worth of fat-free cottage cheese and more coffee if I must eat. Although I feel bad about the distinct lack of fruit and vegetables in my diet today. I may have some cucumber sticks with mustard also.
Trying to plough through reading for tomorrow's seminar. I hate seminars so much, and this one's a double-class running from 11-1. Ugh.
It's about 9pm now. The aim is to study another half an hour, then go grab a cup of coffee with L. back home by 10, then get into bed by 11 at the absolute latest.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Monday, 9 February 2015
Day 6
166.0 lbs this morning, so I gained. Ugh.
Also, I just found out that those garlic sausages I am now addicted to have 200 calories in each one. And I ate 2 of them with mustard for breakfast, washed down with 2 cups of coffee. Although it's 14.30 now so I guess they could count as breakfast and lunch.
Well that was a disaster.
The plan for the rest of the day is:
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
-Black coffee with fat free milk and splenda (25 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
-Diet coke (0 cal)
Since I had the garlic sausage already, and it had 2x the amount of calories I had planned (and I ate 2 sausages instead of just the one) the whole thing comes to 625. If I get hungry - diet coke or black coffee, and, naturally, cigarettes.
I hate having to starve myself out of the 160s. The last two days haven't exactly been starving, but in general it's odd for me to gain weight on <1200 cals. I guess my metabolism is just really slow, or it's stubbornly holding onto this weight because it's become too comfortable here. Once I get back to 150s I'll probably become less strict. It may seem like I'm being too hard on myself - but I'm essentially trying to shake off 10 lbs that have refused to budge in six months. I wish there was another way, but no other method works on me. I've tried healthy eating, cutting out animal products, exercise and nothing does the job like restriction does. I guess I'm just too damn impatient.
[An updated plan will emerge later. A plan designed to get me under 160 as quickly as possible. It will probably involve 3 sets of 200-calorie meals (and by 200, I mean no more than 150), copious amounts of black coffee, and ritalin taken at the recommended dosage after every meal.]
*edit:
I did NOT stick to the plan but instead ended up consuming:
-1 p. pear cider (180 cal)
-"Beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mayonnaise (40 cal)
-Kinder bueno (75 cal)
-2 mini frozen cheesecakes (160 cal)
-Sandwich thin (100 cal)
-Fat-free cottage cheese (100 cal)
-More garlic sausage with mustard (200 cal)
...And then proceeded to swallow two laxatives washed down with half a liter of Diet Coke in attempt to pretend it didn't happen.
The damage: 1347 calories
F M L
I'm so pissed at myself. The stupid thing is that two months ago this amount would have made me lose. But because I've been "restricting", suddenly this amount is enough to balloon me by a kilogram on the scale.
I said I'd draw up a new plan, and there's never been a better time to do it:
Breakfast (125 cal):
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal with Splenda (100 cal)
-1 c. black coffee with fat-free milk and Splenda (25 cal)
Lunch (175 cal):
-1 c. cereal (110 cal)
-1 serving frozen fruit [either raspberries or blackberries] (65 cal)
Dinner (99-160 cal):
either--
-1 "beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
or--
-Frozen yogurt (99-150 cal)
or--
-1 sandwich thin with fat-free cottage cheese or an egg (150 cal)
Total: 399-460 cals
Rules:
• I will stick the plan.
• There will be no deviation from the plan, unless it's a situation I really cannot get out of, or there's a healthier/lower-calorie substitute.
• I will see the plan through until I hit 160. No exceptions.
166.0 lbs this morning, so I gained. Ugh.
Also, I just found out that those garlic sausages I am now addicted to have 200 calories in each one. And I ate 2 of them with mustard for breakfast, washed down with 2 cups of coffee. Although it's 14.30 now so I guess they could count as breakfast and lunch.
Well that was a disaster.
The plan for the rest of the day is:
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
-Black coffee with fat free milk and splenda (25 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
-Diet coke (0 cal)
Since I had the garlic sausage already, and it had 2x the amount of calories I had planned (and I ate 2 sausages instead of just the one) the whole thing comes to 625. If I get hungry - diet coke or black coffee, and, naturally, cigarettes.
I hate having to starve myself out of the 160s. The last two days haven't exactly been starving, but in general it's odd for me to gain weight on <1200 cals. I guess my metabolism is just really slow, or it's stubbornly holding onto this weight because it's become too comfortable here. Once I get back to 150s I'll probably become less strict. It may seem like I'm being too hard on myself - but I'm essentially trying to shake off 10 lbs that have refused to budge in six months. I wish there was another way, but no other method works on me. I've tried healthy eating, cutting out animal products, exercise and nothing does the job like restriction does. I guess I'm just too damn impatient.
[An updated plan will emerge later. A plan designed to get me under 160 as quickly as possible. It will probably involve 3 sets of 200-calorie meals (and by 200, I mean no more than 150), copious amounts of black coffee, and ritalin taken at the recommended dosage after every meal.]
*edit:
I did NOT stick to the plan but instead ended up consuming:
-1 p. pear cider (180 cal)
-"Beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mayonnaise (40 cal)
-Kinder bueno (75 cal)
-2 mini frozen cheesecakes (160 cal)
-Sandwich thin (100 cal)
-Fat-free cottage cheese (100 cal)
-More garlic sausage with mustard (200 cal)
...And then proceeded to swallow two laxatives washed down with half a liter of Diet Coke in attempt to pretend it didn't happen.
The damage: 1347 calories
F M L
I'm so pissed at myself. The stupid thing is that two months ago this amount would have made me lose. But because I've been "restricting", suddenly this amount is enough to balloon me by a kilogram on the scale.
I said I'd draw up a new plan, and there's never been a better time to do it:
Breakfast (125 cal):
-1 serving apple-cinnamon oatmeal with Splenda (100 cal)
-1 c. black coffee with fat-free milk and Splenda (25 cal)
Lunch (175 cal):
-1 c. cereal (110 cal)
-1 serving frozen fruit [either raspberries or blackberries] (65 cal)
Dinner (99-160 cal):
either--
-1 "beef" burger (95 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-Green beans (60 cal)
or--
-Frozen yogurt (99-150 cal)
or--
-1 sandwich thin with fat-free cottage cheese or an egg (150 cal)
Total: 399-460 cals
Rules:
• I will stick the plan.
• There will be no deviation from the plan, unless it's a situation I really cannot get out of, or there's a healthier/lower-calorie substitute.
• I will see the plan through until I hit 160. No exceptions.
Sunday, 8 February 2015
Day 5
165.4 this afternoon. Luckily I didn't gain from yesterday. Although in defence alcohol usually dehydrates me, even in small amounts.
5 pounds gone in 5 days.
It's time to do some planning.
Shooting is going to take place roughly 5 weeks from now, so I have to get on it. That means 35 days to get down to at least 153 (the weight I was this time last year) - so 13 lbs. That works out to approximately 0.3 lbs each day, or a little under 3 lbs each week. 2.6 lbs each week to be precise.
I haven't done this in a while, but I haven't forgotten how it works. Plateauing cannot be something I let hinder me. If I must, I'll give my scales to L so I can't get upset over the numbers. Right now I'm only weighing once a day, first thing before I've eaten anything. But in the past I have weighed up to ten times a day while restricting, and I can't get back into that obsessive, derailing kind of number-phobia I've spent the last three years trying to recover from. That means no weighing at night (a huge binge trigger for me) and especially no weighing after a binge. If a binge even happens (I'm not planning on it; and ironically, despite the weight gain, my binges now are much more controlled than they were before).
So without further ado the plan will be as follows: 600 calories a day, and lots and lots of water, until the weight comes off.
*edit*
-3 garlic sausages (330 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-1 egg w/ parsley (80 cal)
-Black coffee w/milk and splenda (15 cal)
-Shirataki noodles (8 cal)
-Tomato and red wine sauce (75 cal)
-Lettuce (10 cal)
-Grated carrots (45 cal)
-Vinaigrette (30 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Coffee (25 cal)
-Snickers bar (regrettably - 250 cal)
Total: 875 cal
Without the chocolate bar it would have been 624. F M L. It wasn't even mine, it was L's (I think).
But it was there in the freezer. And I forgot I'd put it in there. It was a nice surprise to see a Snickers amongst the bags and bags of green vegetables.
I seriously have an impulse problem.
Okay so tomorrow the plan is actually to stick to the plan. No deviations:
Breakfast (200 cal):
-Garlic sausage with mustard (110 cal)
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
Lunch (140 cal):
-Black coffee with milk (25 cal)
-1 c. cereal, in a tupperware (115 cal)
Dinner (170 cal):
-1 "beef" burger patty (95 cal)
-Ketchup (15 cal)
-Steamed green beans (60 cal)
...and a fuck ton of water because I'm seriously not drinking enough.
That's the plan. Total: 510 cal, No exceptions. No alcohol. No impulse chocolate bars.
Also, I won't weigh until Tuesday, if I can help it. I don't want anything to throw me off track at this point, when I'm just getting into the thick of it.
Only 6 lbs until 159...
[In other news, I think I'm finally getting used to the feeling of hunger. Or rather, the hunger I was experiencing on Days 1 & 2 has significantly diminished. And my skin has cleared up completely. Coincidence? I think not.]
165.4 this afternoon. Luckily I didn't gain from yesterday. Although in defence alcohol usually dehydrates me, even in small amounts.
5 pounds gone in 5 days.
It's time to do some planning.
Shooting is going to take place roughly 5 weeks from now, so I have to get on it. That means 35 days to get down to at least 153 (the weight I was this time last year) - so 13 lbs. That works out to approximately 0.3 lbs each day, or a little under 3 lbs each week. 2.6 lbs each week to be precise.
I haven't done this in a while, but I haven't forgotten how it works. Plateauing cannot be something I let hinder me. If I must, I'll give my scales to L so I can't get upset over the numbers. Right now I'm only weighing once a day, first thing before I've eaten anything. But in the past I have weighed up to ten times a day while restricting, and I can't get back into that obsessive, derailing kind of number-phobia I've spent the last three years trying to recover from. That means no weighing at night (a huge binge trigger for me) and especially no weighing after a binge. If a binge even happens (I'm not planning on it; and ironically, despite the weight gain, my binges now are much more controlled than they were before).
So without further ado the plan will be as follows: 600 calories a day, and lots and lots of water, until the weight comes off.
*edit*
-3 garlic sausages (330 cal)
-Mustard (5 cal)
-1 egg w/ parsley (80 cal)
-Black coffee w/milk and splenda (15 cal)
-Shirataki noodles (8 cal)
-Tomato and red wine sauce (75 cal)
-Lettuce (10 cal)
-Grated carrots (45 cal)
-Vinaigrette (30 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Coffee (25 cal)
-Snickers bar (regrettably - 250 cal)
Total: 875 cal
Without the chocolate bar it would have been 624. F M L. It wasn't even mine, it was L's (I think).
But it was there in the freezer. And I forgot I'd put it in there. It was a nice surprise to see a Snickers amongst the bags and bags of green vegetables.
I seriously have an impulse problem.
Okay so tomorrow the plan is actually to stick to the plan. No deviations:
Breakfast (200 cal):
-Garlic sausage with mustard (110 cal)
-Smoothie with frozen raspberries and coconut water (90 cal)
Lunch (140 cal):
-Black coffee with milk (25 cal)
-1 c. cereal, in a tupperware (115 cal)
Dinner (170 cal):
-1 "beef" burger patty (95 cal)
-Ketchup (15 cal)
-Steamed green beans (60 cal)
...and a fuck ton of water because I'm seriously not drinking enough.
That's the plan. Total: 510 cal, No exceptions. No alcohol. No impulse chocolate bars.
Also, I won't weigh until Tuesday, if I can help it. I don't want anything to throw me off track at this point, when I'm just getting into the thick of it.
Only 6 lbs until 159...
[In other news, I think I'm finally getting used to the feeling of hunger. Or rather, the hunger I was experiencing on Days 1 & 2 has significantly diminished. And my skin has cleared up completely. Coincidence? I think not.]
Saturday, 7 February 2015
Day 4
165.8 - thank God, a number under 166.
Have spent the afternoon being incredibly lazy thus far and rolling around in a t-shirt and underwear. I need to get my ass in gear though because we're leaving in 45 minutes to hold auditions on campus.
15.58: First meal of the day, 1/2 cup cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk. 200 cal max. Will make some black coffee in a bit.
*edit*
-1/2 c. Cereal with skim milk (200 cal)
-Black coffee (2 cal)
-Haribo (100 cal)
-Pear cider (218 cal)
-Fries w/ barbecue sauce (250 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (13 cal)
-Raw curry sauce-orange, mango, avocado, coriander (115 cal)
-Fat free chocolate mousse (123 cal)
Total: 1024 cal
Shit. I really fucked up. Didn't realise how much the "snack" of chips and alcohol had earlier on this evening.
I feel so incredibly sure this could work (the restricting). I feel like I've "latched on". I'm always so hesitant to make any definitive proclamations this early on, but I've lost 4 lbs in 4 days. Sure, they were 4 pounds of water weight. But I'm already feeling better.
I can't have days like this messing it up for me. Really hope I don't gain from this.
Tomorrow: 600 cals max. Don't fuck this up.
165.8 - thank God, a number under 166.
Have spent the afternoon being incredibly lazy thus far and rolling around in a t-shirt and underwear. I need to get my ass in gear though because we're leaving in 45 minutes to hold auditions on campus.
15.58: First meal of the day, 1/2 cup cereal with 1/2 cup skim milk. 200 cal max. Will make some black coffee in a bit.
*edit*
-1/2 c. Cereal with skim milk (200 cal)
-Black coffee (2 cal)
-Haribo (100 cal)
-Pear cider (218 cal)
-Fries w/ barbecue sauce (250 cal)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (13 cal)
-Raw curry sauce-orange, mango, avocado, coriander (115 cal)
-Fat free chocolate mousse (123 cal)
Total: 1024 cal
Shit. I really fucked up. Didn't realise how much the "snack" of chips and alcohol had earlier on this evening.
I feel so incredibly sure this could work (the restricting). I feel like I've "latched on". I'm always so hesitant to make any definitive proclamations this early on, but I've lost 4 lbs in 4 days. Sure, they were 4 pounds of water weight. But I'm already feeling better.
I can't have days like this messing it up for me. Really hope I don't gain from this.
Tomorrow: 600 cals max. Don't fuck this up.
Friday, 6 February 2015
Day 3
-Ryvita (35 cal)
-Ham and tomato sandwich (275 cal)
-2 black coffees (5 cal)
-Soy cappuccino (80 cal)
-Haribo (150 cal -- feel bad about this)
-Diet coke (1 cal)
-Cucumber "tagliatelle" (10 cal)
-Philadelphia cheese light (65 cal)
-Tabasco (0 cal)
-Frozen grapes (20 cal)
-Frozen grapes (20 cal)
Total: 641 cal
I weigh 166, so I've lost 4 lbs in 3 days. 166 is progress from 170 - but I need 160, 158, 156. Then and only then will I start to feel like this is going somewhere.
Plan tomorrow is to survive off as much coffee as I can until I enter pass-out mode, then I will eat. I'm getting used to the feeling of hunger. I don't think it scares me as much as it used to.
Also the cucumber tagliatelle was such a wave of genius. I just took a vegetable peeler to a cucumber and then added some philly cheese and hot sauce and swirled it around my fork as if it were pasta. Tomorrow if I can get the ingredients I'm going to attempt to make a raw vegan curry sauce (out of orange, mango and avocado) to go with the cucumber noodles. Last time I made it it was the best thing ever and L loved it too. There's something great about making something entirely from scratch with fresh ingredients that don't taste chemically tampered with. Although I ate Haribo, the devil's food today so I can't really complain about chemicals at this point.
Okay, going to attempt to sleep and wake up before lunch as we are auditioning for our film tomorrow...
Thursday, 5 February 2015
Day 2
Missed my morning seminar, slept until 12 then had to manically scramble to get to this dumb study abroad meeting that actually turned out to be fine. But then I got a threatening email about attendance and my anxiety hit breaking point. Weirdly, this seemed to eradicate my appetite entirely.
There's such a strong correlation between anxiety and eating - for me at least. It seems that when I feel guilty, or like I've done something wrong, I either binge or stop wanting to eat entirely.
So until about 15.30 I hadn't eaten anything, no breakfast, nothing. I suppose this all had something to do with feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of intense stress and worry these days. It's like I'm constantly trying to make sure something doesn't go wrong, and when it does, I feel like I can't cope. So having this one area of my life under control (my eating) reduces my stress significantly. If I'm not eating, that's one less thing to worry about. There's nothing worse than life stress and binge eating combined.
At least, that's something I tell myself logically.
It's now 17.22. About half an hour ago I took some ritalin, 20mg worth. Plus vitamin D. I hope that will stave off my hunger and allow me to get engaged in something productive, some reading maybe.
After my meeting with the study abroad woman I went to meet L at the library. I love L. Even though I am not very good at being pleasant company when I feel this way, or even a particularly nice person.
Currently she is in the mode of trying to save money like me, and attempting to live off a shoestring budget. Both of us struggle with indulging in luxuries not fit for students, such as impulse purchases, taxis to and from campus, dinners out in town and expensive cigarettes.
For example, at the library after meeting L, I bought a ham and tomato sandwich even though I wasn't hungry. They're always so expensive. The only reason I ate this sandwich was that it was only something like 275 calories for the whole pack. Also, I had a moment of clarity, which was that I might feel extremely ill later if all I ingested throughout the day was coffee, diet coke and pills. The sandwich was, at the time, an example of me trying to be 'sensible', although I regret the fact that I ate it despite my bizarre lack of hunger.
The total of the sandwich, and the two coffees I bought on campus comes to 375. I don't think that's such a scary number, but I'll have to find something low-calorie for dinner.
Ultimately, I want to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore. There's a magic in the maths of the whole thing, but maths doesn't interest me as much as art does. I often wish that I didn't have to consider my body and all its functions at all - thinking about my body makes me grimace. But I know that if I lock into the maths now, and commit to it fully, it might not have to matter ever again. Then I get to experience everything wonderful that happens after the hard graft is up - art, beauty, calm, peace, wisdom, control.
--UPDATE
20.24 - The ritalin wore off and I got hungry, so made pea soup for dinner (frozen peas; chicken stock; water; creme fraiche; pepper) and it tastes divine. 120 cals for the whole lot. There's something heavenly about making a low cal dinner from scratch with ingredients from the kitchen. Store bought soups are convenient but always seem to have such a high sodium content.
The fear is always that once you open the gate to eating, you won't stop.
Going to crawl into bed and read for an hour...
--UPDATE
22.19 and I'm done for the day. Made a fruit sorbet out of frozen berries, which came to 60 cals, then ate a salad with a tbsp philadelphia and balsamic vinegar. It's become customary to pour hot sauce over every salad I make, because it has 0 calories and makes everything taste explosive.
Then ate half a wrap with cream cheese, because for some reason after all that food, I actually felt properly hungry for the first time all day. So today's total came to 695. That's not very much, compared to what I was eating before, but it's not as good as it could have been. Tomorrow my limit will be 600 max.
Missed my morning seminar, slept until 12 then had to manically scramble to get to this dumb study abroad meeting that actually turned out to be fine. But then I got a threatening email about attendance and my anxiety hit breaking point. Weirdly, this seemed to eradicate my appetite entirely.
There's such a strong correlation between anxiety and eating - for me at least. It seems that when I feel guilty, or like I've done something wrong, I either binge or stop wanting to eat entirely.
So until about 15.30 I hadn't eaten anything, no breakfast, nothing. I suppose this all had something to do with feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of intense stress and worry these days. It's like I'm constantly trying to make sure something doesn't go wrong, and when it does, I feel like I can't cope. So having this one area of my life under control (my eating) reduces my stress significantly. If I'm not eating, that's one less thing to worry about. There's nothing worse than life stress and binge eating combined.
At least, that's something I tell myself logically.
It's now 17.22. About half an hour ago I took some ritalin, 20mg worth. Plus vitamin D. I hope that will stave off my hunger and allow me to get engaged in something productive, some reading maybe.
After my meeting with the study abroad woman I went to meet L at the library. I love L. Even though I am not very good at being pleasant company when I feel this way, or even a particularly nice person.
Currently she is in the mode of trying to save money like me, and attempting to live off a shoestring budget. Both of us struggle with indulging in luxuries not fit for students, such as impulse purchases, taxis to and from campus, dinners out in town and expensive cigarettes.
For example, at the library after meeting L, I bought a ham and tomato sandwich even though I wasn't hungry. They're always so expensive. The only reason I ate this sandwich was that it was only something like 275 calories for the whole pack. Also, I had a moment of clarity, which was that I might feel extremely ill later if all I ingested throughout the day was coffee, diet coke and pills. The sandwich was, at the time, an example of me trying to be 'sensible', although I regret the fact that I ate it despite my bizarre lack of hunger.
The total of the sandwich, and the two coffees I bought on campus comes to 375. I don't think that's such a scary number, but I'll have to find something low-calorie for dinner.
Ultimately, I want to be someone who doesn't have to worry about any of this stuff anymore. There's a magic in the maths of the whole thing, but maths doesn't interest me as much as art does. I often wish that I didn't have to consider my body and all its functions at all - thinking about my body makes me grimace. But I know that if I lock into the maths now, and commit to it fully, it might not have to matter ever again. Then I get to experience everything wonderful that happens after the hard graft is up - art, beauty, calm, peace, wisdom, control.
--UPDATE
20.24 - The ritalin wore off and I got hungry, so made pea soup for dinner (frozen peas; chicken stock; water; creme fraiche; pepper) and it tastes divine. 120 cals for the whole lot. There's something heavenly about making a low cal dinner from scratch with ingredients from the kitchen. Store bought soups are convenient but always seem to have such a high sodium content.
The fear is always that once you open the gate to eating, you won't stop.
Going to crawl into bed and read for an hour...
--UPDATE
22.19 and I'm done for the day. Made a fruit sorbet out of frozen berries, which came to 60 cals, then ate a salad with a tbsp philadelphia and balsamic vinegar. It's become customary to pour hot sauce over every salad I make, because it has 0 calories and makes everything taste explosive.
Then ate half a wrap with cream cheese, because for some reason after all that food, I actually felt properly hungry for the first time all day. So today's total came to 695. That's not very much, compared to what I was eating before, but it's not as good as it could have been. Tomorrow my limit will be 600 max.
Wednesday, 4 February 2015
Day 1
The day started off horribly. Was late for an important study abroad meeting and the woman said that if I didn't get it together she'd give the place to someone else. So I left the office and cried on a bench outside for about ten minutes.
I wish I wasn't so pathetic when it came to this sort of stuff. I feel like other people are tougher than this, but I'm always so sensitive. I let everything get to me, and weigh me down.
I'm so scared of self-sabotaging the place. Half of my head is telling me to fight for it (whatever that means - showing them I'm better than their image of me, I guess) but the other half is saying, in a sing-song voice, 'Told you so'.
On top of that I got my period which made everything ten times worse. In twenty minutes I have to head to another meeting, about my attendance, which I am dreading. I missed every seminar this term so far, excluding yesterday. I just hope I can pull it together before it's too late.
Officially counting 00.00 as the first hour of Day 1. So, 10 hours into day 1 I ate 2 green apples with natural crunchy peanut butter.
It's now 14.05. About half an hour ago I swallowed a bunch of vitamin D tablets and 10mg ritalin with a coffee (with cream - ~20 cal) and then made a small portion of chicken, which I only ate half of (~60 cal). So far we're looking at ~280 cal for the whole day.
--UPDATE
16.00 - black coffee with milk and splenda (15 cal)
18.00 - another green apple with philadelphia + a diet coke (97 cal) and another 10mg ritalin.
I did something weird. I attempted to bake a chocolate cake without a recipe. I'm worried about it. Not because of the calories (I used splenda to substitute sugar and a banana to substitute oil) - but mostly because it seemed like a weird, random and kind of manic thing to do. Also I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.
I suppose the trick with this whole thing will be getting back into thinking about restricting as something plausible I could do, successfully. I've lost faith in my ability to not eat. Back in school it used to be a breeze, but now with no schedule enforced upon me, sticking to basic things like mealtimes becomes unrealistic, unless of course I learn how to enforce that discipline myself.
The 'experimental' chocolate cake batter contained 1/2 a cup of flour, 2 tbsp butter, splenda, a banana, chocolate syrup, 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup skim milk. In total, the tray shouldn't come to more than 500 calories, but I'm really dubious. I worry that I've created some poisonous concoction that is going to make me extremely ill.
Part of me doesn't really care.
Why must sticking to things (casual dieting; my schedule; a life plan) be so difficult? Surely it's not that hard, if other people with just as many problems can do it so successfully.
150, of course, is not the end goal. Once upon a time 150 was a start weight - a number that repulsed me. Now it's a number I would be satisfied to see on a scale. Not happy, or proud, but satisfied.
At 150 I start to resemble myself more. At 140 I look "healthy"; at 130 I am officially, finally classed as "thin" - that word we all covet so much. Strangely, 130 is almost low enough for me to be considered underweight. Even stranger is that the idea of being underweight doesn't hold me in the same thrall as it used to. I don't want to be a stick, I want to be powerful. I don't want someone to see me and think I'll break in half, or that I look delicate.
~392 calories so far. It doesn't sound like very much, but I won't have something to be proud of until I get through the evening without bingeing.
--UPDATE
19.00 hrs.
I haven't felt hunger like this in months. This is what half a year of eating your pain does to you. You lose sense of what it feels like to not eat. I feel like the apple made me hungrier. Now I'm pissed at myself for having it but honestly, there was no appealing alternative when I opened the fridge. I seem to be down to just: yogurt, salsa, cucumber, eggs and milk. And some toast.
I'm trying to tell myself to get over it. Get used to this feeling. Unfortunately no amount of cigarettes, coffee or diet coke will make this go away.
The cake came out of the oven. It smells heavenly but I have no idea how it tastes. Maybe later I'll have some.
Part of me wants to push through the hunger into something better. A hunger high, maybe. I forget how this works.
--UPDATE
The cake was... weird. It kind of tasted like bread and butter pudding. Which ordinarily would be gross but I guess when you're starving, you'll eat anything. Anything that contains less than 50 calories, that is.
I'm aware that this post is inordinately long. But weirdly, rambling about food makes me far more likely to turn it down when sticking to the plan is constantly on my mind. It may be to do with the ritalin, which makes me obsess over things more.
The hunger subsided a little after I had the cake, but not much. I'm going out for another cigarette in the hope that it'll curb my appetite somehow, but equally I'm aware that expecting to feel full on 442 calories over the course of a twenty-four day is unreasonable.
--UPDATE
Hit rock bottom at 9 and cried for about two hours to L. Gulped more coffee, and ended up eating 1 small tortilla wrap with guacamole because my stomach hurt (it still does). So total calories for Day 1 = 630.
The day started off horribly. Was late for an important study abroad meeting and the woman said that if I didn't get it together she'd give the place to someone else. So I left the office and cried on a bench outside for about ten minutes.
I wish I wasn't so pathetic when it came to this sort of stuff. I feel like other people are tougher than this, but I'm always so sensitive. I let everything get to me, and weigh me down.
I'm so scared of self-sabotaging the place. Half of my head is telling me to fight for it (whatever that means - showing them I'm better than their image of me, I guess) but the other half is saying, in a sing-song voice, 'Told you so'.
On top of that I got my period which made everything ten times worse. In twenty minutes I have to head to another meeting, about my attendance, which I am dreading. I missed every seminar this term so far, excluding yesterday. I just hope I can pull it together before it's too late.
Officially counting 00.00 as the first hour of Day 1. So, 10 hours into day 1 I ate 2 green apples with natural crunchy peanut butter.
It's now 14.05. About half an hour ago I swallowed a bunch of vitamin D tablets and 10mg ritalin with a coffee (with cream - ~20 cal) and then made a small portion of chicken, which I only ate half of (~60 cal). So far we're looking at ~280 cal for the whole day.
--UPDATE
16.00 - black coffee with milk and splenda (15 cal)
18.00 - another green apple with philadelphia + a diet coke (97 cal) and another 10mg ritalin.
I did something weird. I attempted to bake a chocolate cake without a recipe. I'm worried about it. Not because of the calories (I used splenda to substitute sugar and a banana to substitute oil) - but mostly because it seemed like a weird, random and kind of manic thing to do. Also I'm pretty sure it's going to be horrible.
I suppose the trick with this whole thing will be getting back into thinking about restricting as something plausible I could do, successfully. I've lost faith in my ability to not eat. Back in school it used to be a breeze, but now with no schedule enforced upon me, sticking to basic things like mealtimes becomes unrealistic, unless of course I learn how to enforce that discipline myself.
The 'experimental' chocolate cake batter contained 1/2 a cup of flour, 2 tbsp butter, splenda, a banana, chocolate syrup, 2 egg whites and 1/2 cup skim milk. In total, the tray shouldn't come to more than 500 calories, but I'm really dubious. I worry that I've created some poisonous concoction that is going to make me extremely ill.
Part of me doesn't really care.
Why must sticking to things (casual dieting; my schedule; a life plan) be so difficult? Surely it's not that hard, if other people with just as many problems can do it so successfully.
150, of course, is not the end goal. Once upon a time 150 was a start weight - a number that repulsed me. Now it's a number I would be satisfied to see on a scale. Not happy, or proud, but satisfied.
At 150 I start to resemble myself more. At 140 I look "healthy"; at 130 I am officially, finally classed as "thin" - that word we all covet so much. Strangely, 130 is almost low enough for me to be considered underweight. Even stranger is that the idea of being underweight doesn't hold me in the same thrall as it used to. I don't want to be a stick, I want to be powerful. I don't want someone to see me and think I'll break in half, or that I look delicate.
~392 calories so far. It doesn't sound like very much, but I won't have something to be proud of until I get through the evening without bingeing.
--UPDATE
19.00 hrs.
I haven't felt hunger like this in months. This is what half a year of eating your pain does to you. You lose sense of what it feels like to not eat. I feel like the apple made me hungrier. Now I'm pissed at myself for having it but honestly, there was no appealing alternative when I opened the fridge. I seem to be down to just: yogurt, salsa, cucumber, eggs and milk. And some toast.
I'm trying to tell myself to get over it. Get used to this feeling. Unfortunately no amount of cigarettes, coffee or diet coke will make this go away.
The cake came out of the oven. It smells heavenly but I have no idea how it tastes. Maybe later I'll have some.
Part of me wants to push through the hunger into something better. A hunger high, maybe. I forget how this works.
--UPDATE
The cake was... weird. It kind of tasted like bread and butter pudding. Which ordinarily would be gross but I guess when you're starving, you'll eat anything. Anything that contains less than 50 calories, that is.
I'm aware that this post is inordinately long. But weirdly, rambling about food makes me far more likely to turn it down when sticking to the plan is constantly on my mind. It may be to do with the ritalin, which makes me obsess over things more.
The hunger subsided a little after I had the cake, but not much. I'm going out for another cigarette in the hope that it'll curb my appetite somehow, but equally I'm aware that expecting to feel full on 442 calories over the course of a twenty-four day is unreasonable.
--UPDATE
Hit rock bottom at 9 and cried for about two hours to L. Gulped more coffee, and ended up eating 1 small tortilla wrap with guacamole because my stomach hurt (it still does). So total calories for Day 1 = 630.
Tuesday, 3 February 2015
50 day resolution to 150
Yesterday and today - binge. Need I say more? I'm starting over, this time shit's getting serious.
I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. This year was supposed to be a fresh start but I'm still at the high end of the 160s. Nothing's changed.
I need to get my weight under control and my life under control.
This morning I got up after three hours sleep and made my first seminar of the term. I've had a big problem with anxiety since December, regarding my classes. I don't know what it is but something about sitting in a circle where you're exposed and everyone can see you is so panic-inducing. I hate that I've developed a phobia of it. But I forced myself to go, which I felt momentarily good about until I realised the facts:
-I keep getting sporadic weight gain-induced acne eruptions that won't heal and are becoming impossible to cover with generic makeup (the recent one happened a few days ago and is showing no sign of going away)
-I just started my period, and it's heavier than it's ever been, due to my gaining thirty pounds in the space of a year and a half
-I gained thirty pounds
-I'm fat
Oh, and another gory thing you may or may not want to know is that I've only been to the bathroom once in the last three days, which for me is highly unusual and usually only happens when I 'leave' my comfortable, healthy weight range. I am so far past that point it's unreal.
I want to be able to condition myself, in the most clinical way possible, to go hours without food, or thinking about food. Train myself to eat the same lunch every day, a bowl of carrot sticks with mustard, apples and peanut butter, washed down with copious amounts of coffee or diet coke.
What I eat must be healthy and it must be worthwhile. Carbs to keep my energy up, protein and fibre too.
Coffee is good for warming the soul, and forgetting about food for a while.
I am also lucky enough to possess a script for Ritalin, which tends to curb my appetite completely - although I rarely take it as prescribed (10mg, 3x a day). In fact, I rarely take it at all, because it tends to increase my anxiety - the kind of level of anxiety I can only handle on a day I have an essay due at midnight. But I'm sure if taken in 10mg bursts over an extended period of time would help stave off hunger completely.
I'm also not going to weigh for a while. Not until I know I've got this under control, and everything is going as planned.
So yes, the 50 day resolution to 150 is happening NOW. No more dilly-dallying. I have to do this for myself and for my peace of mind. I have to do it otherwise I'll sink.
Oh - in other news, I got the place on the study abroad scheme. I'm going to New York next year if I get the grades... which means even more reason to get this sorted out now so I feel as confident and brilliant as possible when I get on that plane in August.
Counting from 00.00 which just passed in UK time. I'll update tomorrow.
Yesterday and today - binge. Need I say more? I'm starting over, this time shit's getting serious.
I HAVE to stop doing this to myself. This year was supposed to be a fresh start but I'm still at the high end of the 160s. Nothing's changed.
I need to get my weight under control and my life under control.
This morning I got up after three hours sleep and made my first seminar of the term. I've had a big problem with anxiety since December, regarding my classes. I don't know what it is but something about sitting in a circle where you're exposed and everyone can see you is so panic-inducing. I hate that I've developed a phobia of it. But I forced myself to go, which I felt momentarily good about until I realised the facts:
-I keep getting sporadic weight gain-induced acne eruptions that won't heal and are becoming impossible to cover with generic makeup (the recent one happened a few days ago and is showing no sign of going away)
-I just started my period, and it's heavier than it's ever been, due to my gaining thirty pounds in the space of a year and a half
-I gained thirty pounds
-I'm fat
Oh, and another gory thing you may or may not want to know is that I've only been to the bathroom once in the last three days, which for me is highly unusual and usually only happens when I 'leave' my comfortable, healthy weight range. I am so far past that point it's unreal.
I want to be able to condition myself, in the most clinical way possible, to go hours without food, or thinking about food. Train myself to eat the same lunch every day, a bowl of carrot sticks with mustard, apples and peanut butter, washed down with copious amounts of coffee or diet coke.
What I eat must be healthy and it must be worthwhile. Carbs to keep my energy up, protein and fibre too.
Coffee is good for warming the soul, and forgetting about food for a while.
I am also lucky enough to possess a script for Ritalin, which tends to curb my appetite completely - although I rarely take it as prescribed (10mg, 3x a day). In fact, I rarely take it at all, because it tends to increase my anxiety - the kind of level of anxiety I can only handle on a day I have an essay due at midnight. But I'm sure if taken in 10mg bursts over an extended period of time would help stave off hunger completely.
I'm also not going to weigh for a while. Not until I know I've got this under control, and everything is going as planned.
So yes, the 50 day resolution to 150 is happening NOW. No more dilly-dallying. I have to do this for myself and for my peace of mind. I have to do it otherwise I'll sink.
Oh - in other news, I got the place on the study abroad scheme. I'm going to New York next year if I get the grades... which means even more reason to get this sorted out now so I feel as confident and brilliant as possible when I get on that plane in August.
Counting from 00.00 which just passed in UK time. I'll update tomorrow.
Sunday, 18 January 2015
I went back up to 168 at university. I'm really fucking unhappy about it but this is the last time I weigh this much I swear to god. Doing a bit of a no dairy/meat detox currently, which is great because it means I can eat whatever I want so long as it's vegan. It's hard to hit 'normal' numbers of calories unless you add nuts and oil to everything you eat, which is a nice bonus because never once have I found eating a normal amount hard. I don't have any long-term plans, I'm just hoping to follow this until I get my weight under 160, seeing as that's where my last shred of self esteem pretty much staved off.
I am also on a serious budget this week - actually, I'm on a budget full stop. I really shouldn't be spending more than £50 per week, although it's made incredibly hard by the fact that I smoke cigarettes, require course material in the form of multiple Amazon orders, and drink copious amounts of diet coke. I also have a major impulse control problem that usually manifests itself in random alcoholic purchases on school nights and trawling eBay at 5am for vintage pine tri-fold mirrors. So from now on it's a £10 per day limit and that's it. Chopped tomatoes here I come.
I am also on a serious budget this week - actually, I'm on a budget full stop. I really shouldn't be spending more than £50 per week, although it's made incredibly hard by the fact that I smoke cigarettes, require course material in the form of multiple Amazon orders, and drink copious amounts of diet coke. I also have a major impulse control problem that usually manifests itself in random alcoholic purchases on school nights and trawling eBay at 5am for vintage pine tri-fold mirrors. So from now on it's a £10 per day limit and that's it. Chopped tomatoes here I come.
Thursday, 8 January 2015
164.4 as of this morning. I've chosen to stay in London until Sunday, which part of me regrets, but I don't feel ready to go back quite yet. Had a row with my mother, which made me feel like shit, but a walk did me some good. I need to start exercising properly. As soon as I get back to university, which will be Sunday evening, I'm getting my shit in order. Bought some new bedsheets, a record player, decanter, martini glasses and a rug. I'm trying to make the best of my situation.
Technically, it's only 12 lbs (5.4 kgs) until I get back to where I was this time last year. That doesn't sound all that bad, but I'm cynical. I don't know if I have the will to lose 12 lbs this term, although it's reassuring to know that it's the sort of amount of weight 'normal' people try to drop.
1290 calories so far, although I can't trust myself not to eat the other half of that bagel. It's calling my name from the kitchen.
I got an interview to study abroad next year, at an Ivy League university, although I'm fairly convinced I won't get it, given who I'm probably up against. My mother hates the idea, my father's thrilled. I guess I've been thinking that if I don't get it, I might apply to live on campus again next year. I miss the vibe of being in a flat of twelve people and coming home to other students every day. I feel very isolated off-campus, and the twenty minute uphill walk to the library is such a huge deterrent. I know I should just stop being so fucking lazy, but still, I miss being on a campus and feeling like an actual student. I miss the security of knowing everything is included, not having to worry about bills or laundry or running to a lecture or any of those fine details that just generally cause stress. In general, as you may have gathered, I don't deal very well with stress.
On the subject of stress, I've been having 'relationship problems'. Isn't that what normal people say? 'We're having problems'. I don't know how to articulate it all right now. I miss her, though I don't know what that means. Maybe it just means that I miss how I was at the start of last year, when we first got together. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it's all just nostalgia. I'm figuring it out.
Technically, it's only 12 lbs (5.4 kgs) until I get back to where I was this time last year. That doesn't sound all that bad, but I'm cynical. I don't know if I have the will to lose 12 lbs this term, although it's reassuring to know that it's the sort of amount of weight 'normal' people try to drop.
1290 calories so far, although I can't trust myself not to eat the other half of that bagel. It's calling my name from the kitchen.
I got an interview to study abroad next year, at an Ivy League university, although I'm fairly convinced I won't get it, given who I'm probably up against. My mother hates the idea, my father's thrilled. I guess I've been thinking that if I don't get it, I might apply to live on campus again next year. I miss the vibe of being in a flat of twelve people and coming home to other students every day. I feel very isolated off-campus, and the twenty minute uphill walk to the library is such a huge deterrent. I know I should just stop being so fucking lazy, but still, I miss being on a campus and feeling like an actual student. I miss the security of knowing everything is included, not having to worry about bills or laundry or running to a lecture or any of those fine details that just generally cause stress. In general, as you may have gathered, I don't deal very well with stress.
On the subject of stress, I've been having 'relationship problems'. Isn't that what normal people say? 'We're having problems'. I don't know how to articulate it all right now. I miss her, though I don't know what that means. Maybe it just means that I miss how I was at the start of last year, when we first got together. Maybe it means nothing, maybe it's all just nostalgia. I'm figuring it out.
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
167 lbs, a week post-new years, post-flight (involving two days awake and a thoroughly messed up sleep cycle), post-alcohol binge, still unacceptable. I wish I could just wake up and have my 135 lb figure back, without having to try. I am so sick of trying.
Listening to Aphex Twin and moody.
As a side note, I found a reading I took of my weight on January 2nd, 2014, so a year ago. I was 152.8 lbs. For some reason I had it in my head that I was 145 lbs last January, so in reality, it turns out the twenty-five pounds I thought I'd gained over the whole year actually only works out as seventeen, minus three. Of course it's not 'only', it's never 'only' - but 6 kilos sure sounds better than twenty-five pounds. I should just buck up and get to work, 6 kilos is really not that hard.
My sleeping habits are fucked. Everything is fucked, really. I'm anxious about this term. I want it to turn out well. I want to be better. I want to escape my life.
Unsurprisingly, I've been looking to Edie again for inspiration and answers. And I think I've found one. I'm going to become the next Poor Little Rich Girl. I'm going to be a spoiled little brat who only eats the best-tasting food and who gets drunk to be drunk. I'm going to whittle myself down to a tiny size and move around in short tight clothing, lithe limbs dancing, skinny hips twisting. I'm going to start my day with coffee and orange juice and end it completely out of my mind. I'm involved in a film project this Easter, and in order to play the part I have to live, breathe, sleep and look like the part. Well, I don't, but I'm going to, because I want to throw myself into something headfirst. I'm sick of this useless girl. There's no way I'm allowing myself to be on camera at this weight. No way.
Food groups from now on will be limited to:
1. protein
2. salad
3. coffee
4. martinis
5. anything from a delicatessen
Food groups from now on will be limited to:
1. protein
2. salad
3. coffee
4. martinis
5. anything from a delicatessen
Listening to Aphex Twin and moody.
As a side note, I found a reading I took of my weight on January 2nd, 2014, so a year ago. I was 152.8 lbs. For some reason I had it in my head that I was 145 lbs last January, so in reality, it turns out the twenty-five pounds I thought I'd gained over the whole year actually only works out as seventeen, minus three. Of course it's not 'only', it's never 'only' - but 6 kilos sure sounds better than twenty-five pounds. I should just buck up and get to work, 6 kilos is really not that hard.
Monday, 29 December 2014
The scales budged a fraction to 167.9, although I don't know whether the reading was correct. Certainly I woke up (at 8.30 am, bright and breezy as if I'd had a long and restful sleep) with my head filled with dreams of locating to New York forever, and going to school here, and being the perfect child of my parents, with a part-time job at some kind of fashionable boutique in town, and an elegant capsule wardrobe reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn's. Sometimes I really wish I was a rich kid, although I feel the repercussions of my friends' experiences just as they do - someone's father cut them off: No more money for you, until you sort yourself out, and get your head together, and show me you can be independent. And ironically this morning, whilst we were out getting a coffee from the local organic cafe near our apartment, was the moment my own father decided to tell me that it was no longer okay to sponge off him financially. My university accommodation costs a third more than it did last year, and thus far I haven't been able (or have been refusing) to contribute. But I'm twenty-one, a good two years older than most of the second and first-years I know, and I see his point. I don't want to be a dependent either. It makes me feel insecure and young and humiliated. He said my sister (just recently eighteen) would be getting the same treatment and talk when she starts to move on in the world. The problem, from my point of view, is that my sister will remain in her cosy cocoon forever, cushioned by my parents because perhaps she's worth it more than I am. And I am not self-pitying - but she is the one out of the two of us with an agent, and a career planned out. On the other hand, I spend the majority of my time flailing about the direction my life is taking - I want to succeed; I don't know how to succeed; life is moving too quickly; I might as well not try at all.
The odd thing about my sister and I, from a psychological standpoint, is that we oppose each other somewhat perfectly. While she is small (5'8" and an American size 2) and takes up a lot of space in terms of personality, I am big but spend the majority of my time trying to hide it. On Saturday, whilst shopping with my sister's manager in a vintage flea market, I chose to walk through the mirror stalls and rows of useless dysfunctional objects in order to avoid the clothes section. Upon hearing me make the point that I would prefer to hide more often than not, that that has become my default, her manager responded that if I want to hide, I should. That is not the sort of advice one gives to someone with crushingly low self-esteem; it's the sort of advice that perpetuates the whole thing. God help me if I try to do anything else but hide.
I find myself wondering, then, whether my compulsion to hide or make myself appear smaller is due to my own complexes, or due to others' encouragement of this sort of behaviour. In the past, my experiences of letting myself appear as loud and hungry and childish as I feel have always resulted in bad feedback. My weight, or rather my weight gain, is often the only way I am allowed to take up space in our family.
The aim is always, is it not, to take up less space physically in order to allow oneself wiggle room when it comes to expressing emotions. No one wants to hear an overweight girl complaining about her problems. But when a thin woman expresses her anger, her hurt or her joy, she's met with a very different reaction. This was something I observed at school. The fat girls who cried were shunned (and there weren't many of them); the thin girls who cried or yelled or complained were always coveted and immediately reassured.
I applied, on a whim, to the study abroad international exchange offered in the second year. Amongst my list of selected schools sit the Ivy League, which represents a whole other kettle of fish. Wouldn't it be just so, to spend a year at an Ivy League school, to study under great professors and mingle with the rich and pretty just one last time? I miss the upper-class education I so despised as an adolescent. I'd like a second chance to fit in, to wear pearl earrings at the weekends, to eat brunch in brasseries in Kensington, and to know that my life was just one fabulous thing after another.
As it stands, I feel pretty fucking average, and it's about time that changed.
The odd thing about my sister and I, from a psychological standpoint, is that we oppose each other somewhat perfectly. While she is small (5'8" and an American size 2) and takes up a lot of space in terms of personality, I am big but spend the majority of my time trying to hide it. On Saturday, whilst shopping with my sister's manager in a vintage flea market, I chose to walk through the mirror stalls and rows of useless dysfunctional objects in order to avoid the clothes section. Upon hearing me make the point that I would prefer to hide more often than not, that that has become my default, her manager responded that if I want to hide, I should. That is not the sort of advice one gives to someone with crushingly low self-esteem; it's the sort of advice that perpetuates the whole thing. God help me if I try to do anything else but hide.
I find myself wondering, then, whether my compulsion to hide or make myself appear smaller is due to my own complexes, or due to others' encouragement of this sort of behaviour. In the past, my experiences of letting myself appear as loud and hungry and childish as I feel have always resulted in bad feedback. My weight, or rather my weight gain, is often the only way I am allowed to take up space in our family.
The aim is always, is it not, to take up less space physically in order to allow oneself wiggle room when it comes to expressing emotions. No one wants to hear an overweight girl complaining about her problems. But when a thin woman expresses her anger, her hurt or her joy, she's met with a very different reaction. This was something I observed at school. The fat girls who cried were shunned (and there weren't many of them); the thin girls who cried or yelled or complained were always coveted and immediately reassured.
I applied, on a whim, to the study abroad international exchange offered in the second year. Amongst my list of selected schools sit the Ivy League, which represents a whole other kettle of fish. Wouldn't it be just so, to spend a year at an Ivy League school, to study under great professors and mingle with the rich and pretty just one last time? I miss the upper-class education I so despised as an adolescent. I'd like a second chance to fit in, to wear pearl earrings at the weekends, to eat brunch in brasseries in Kensington, and to know that my life was just one fabulous thing after another.
As it stands, I feel pretty fucking average, and it's about time that changed.
Sunday, 28 December 2014
Today's intake:
-2 tbsp peanut butter (250)
-Ruby red grapefruit juice (200)
-Apple (80)
-Soy latte (100)
-Vegan banana muffin (300?)
-Greek salad (500)
-Smoked cheese (250)
-Chorizo (200)
-Almonds (250)
-Almonds (250)
Total - 2130 calories
I'm not going to feel bad about that number because the majority of what I ate was healthy, Paleo, protein-dense foods, and way below the kind of numbers I've been hitting this week. I'm going to try to move away from grains like bread, crackers, etc. unless I come in way below my calorie deficit.
I feel like the smoothies were a really great thing in my diet, so as soon as I'm back at university I'll start incorporating those again. The ideal is, eventually, to be able to burn enough calories through high-intensity exercise like kickboxing and running that I can eat 2000 calories a day of smoothies, salads, good quality/free range meat and eggs, and nuts without gaining weight. I'd rather overexert myself physically and sleep better, look better while eating more, than look skinny and malnourished. Part of me thinks that I'd look even better at 70 kgs whilst exercising a lot and eating Paleo, than not exercising and dieting at 65.
We're back on Thursday so that will cut out all of the restaurant food (I can't afford to eat out that much at home, boo). Excited to launch into a good long stretch of eating high protein and exercising again.
I'm in New York. Didn't have the luxury of a scale for the first week, but I knew I was getting heavier. What else does one expect, when living off a diet of gourmet dinners and diner food? Plus I ate my weight in sweets over Christmas. It's basically impossible to count a thing I eat here, due to restaurant portions and not knowing how much oil is on everything, etc. But at a guess I'd say I'm eating closer to 3000 calories a day than 2000. Which, quite frankly, is hideous.
And what is even more hideous is that I finally stepped on a scale I found in our apartment here, this afternoon. After eating only 250 calories' worth of peanut butter and a sip of orange juice, I'm up to 170 lbs (77 kgs). Lesson of the day - don't count on exercise to keep your weight down. I've been walking around eight hours a day since I got here all around the city, running up and down the stairs in our apartment building, running for trains... and I've gained 3 kilos in a week.
I'm panicking and want to cry. My first response whenever this sort of thing happens is to quickly and automatically draw up a damage control plan, consisting of extreme restriction and a little help from my good friends Ex-Lax and Tranquilyn. But here's the deal. I've never been this big before. And I don't know that the fuck to do this time.
The failsafe way to proceed would be to cut to 1500 calories a day, live off protein and coffee, start working out, and pray it comes off. The problem is I'm not back home until Thursday, and then it's a rollercoaster three days' worth of socialising before I have to jump on a train back to University Land and settle into the change of environment quickly enough so as not to disrupt schoolwork. My dream - as it always is when the end of a holiday is drawing near - had been to come back at the start of Term 2 weighing less than 150 lbs. 20 lbs is not going to happen in the space of a week. But maybe 10 lbs will, and it's worth a try.
And what is even more hideous is that I finally stepped on a scale I found in our apartment here, this afternoon. After eating only 250 calories' worth of peanut butter and a sip of orange juice, I'm up to 170 lbs (77 kgs). Lesson of the day - don't count on exercise to keep your weight down. I've been walking around eight hours a day since I got here all around the city, running up and down the stairs in our apartment building, running for trains... and I've gained 3 kilos in a week.
I'm panicking and want to cry. My first response whenever this sort of thing happens is to quickly and automatically draw up a damage control plan, consisting of extreme restriction and a little help from my good friends Ex-Lax and Tranquilyn. But here's the deal. I've never been this big before. And I don't know that the fuck to do this time.
The failsafe way to proceed would be to cut to 1500 calories a day, live off protein and coffee, start working out, and pray it comes off. The problem is I'm not back home until Thursday, and then it's a rollercoaster three days' worth of socialising before I have to jump on a train back to University Land and settle into the change of environment quickly enough so as not to disrupt schoolwork. My dream - as it always is when the end of a holiday is drawing near - had been to come back at the start of Term 2 weighing less than 150 lbs. 20 lbs is not going to happen in the space of a week. But maybe 10 lbs will, and it's worth a try.
Saturday, 20 December 2014
So the last few days have been pretty bad food-wise; the day before last I binged on a takeaway veggie burger and chips, which set me up to 74.8, and yesterday I met up with an old friend in town. Despite subsisting off of black coffee all day with L., later drunken escapades in Soho led me to devour a greasy shitty burger from Burger King - with all the extra trimmings. Strangely (and perhaps only due to the alcohol dehydration), I maintained 74.8. But I also slept for 13 hours.
It's annoying that more sleep leads one to more efficient weight loss, but not to a more functional existence. One would think, in the logical sense, that more hours awake = more fat burnt. But logic seems to go out of the window when it comes to weight loss, and more time awake is not in fact conducive to burning more fat in the slightest. This is unfortunate, because I'd like to be a part of the human race some day, but that seems to require waking up prior to two p.m. and getting enough time in the evening to do shit and talk to people, something I haven't yet mastered.
We're going out to celebrate my sister's birthday in advance, because tomorrow the two of us fly to New York to meet my dad. I've only had 100 calories' worth of strawberry yogurt, a glug of orange juice, and an americano w cream and Splenda - it's almost 6pm. Granted I take enough Ritalin, I'm sure I'll be able to skimp with just a raw salad for dinner. Restaurants terrify me.
It's annoying that more sleep leads one to more efficient weight loss, but not to a more functional existence. One would think, in the logical sense, that more hours awake = more fat burnt. But logic seems to go out of the window when it comes to weight loss, and more time awake is not in fact conducive to burning more fat in the slightest. This is unfortunate, because I'd like to be a part of the human race some day, but that seems to require waking up prior to two p.m. and getting enough time in the evening to do shit and talk to people, something I haven't yet mastered.
We're going out to celebrate my sister's birthday in advance, because tomorrow the two of us fly to New York to meet my dad. I've only had 100 calories' worth of strawberry yogurt, a glug of orange juice, and an americano w cream and Splenda - it's almost 6pm. Granted I take enough Ritalin, I'm sure I'll be able to skimp with just a raw salad for dinner. Restaurants terrify me.
Wednesday, 17 December 2014
Insomnia has made a vicious return. Tossed and turned for like 3 hours last night before finally settling into a half-slumber, and my head was pounding when I woke up six hours later. I've had this permanent headache since I got back and I'm starting to wonder whether it's psychosomatic, because it comes back whenever I'm stressed out or trying to get to sleep. I've been popping painkillers like there's no tomorrow but yeah, anyway, screwy body not working with me but against me. I presume it's a detox symptom of sorts, from cutting a bunch of shit out of my diet since I returned home from university. The amount of takeout I was living on was disgusting.
72 is so close, only a kilo away, and I think it'll be a number that, ironically, I'll be happy to see. Not because I feel thin there, but because of the associations. At the start of summer last year, I ate my way up to 72 in a depressive feeding frenzy, but went to LA for a month and managed to drop to 65 without much difficulty at all. I definitely think it's a hurdle number, a plateau of sorts, that once broken past gives way to faster weight loss and a speedy entry into the high 60s - and that's where I last remember feeling "comfortable". Not thin necessarily, but lighter in my step, confident enough to show off legs and arms. In general, I couldn't be more thankful for winter, allowing me to bundle up under a million layers that hide the areas I hate. But fear is the best motivator, and fear is always there when you know that it'll be shorts weather soon. Shorts have always put the fear of God in me.
I know I need to start exercising. It sounds like an excuse, but cardio outdoors is just an impossibility in the current zero degree climate that is London right now. Actually, today wasn't too cold, and I could actually get away without the scarf and gloves for once, but in general it's been freezing... so no, jogging can wait until the spring. I should probably do some crunches or something. Although I don't feel like that will make any difference. In less than three weeks I'm back at uni, anyway, and I'm signed up to the gym there (I have been squandering my £21-a-month membership since October). I want to start kickboxing again, because I used to do it when I was eighteen and loved it. I think there are a few classes near where I go to school, in town, so I'll definitely look into it when I get back. I like the idea of angry exercise. I can't imagine feeling peaceful or relaxed while exercising. Punching things is a form of exercise I can deal with.
Today I had around 1300 again, which isn't as low as I would have liked, but the smoothie I made for breakfast contained more calories than I'd predicted because I used full-fat yogurt instead of fat-free. I'm getting to a point where fat is starting to freak me out again, way more than carbs and sugar do. I should really start buying everything fat free. Besides yogurt and cheese, I don't really consume fat anymore, at least not for the past 10 days. My diet mainly consists of chicken salad sandwiches, smoothies, cups and cups of black coffee and diet coke, small portions of whatever's being made for supper, and apparently now wine. But I want to cut the wine habit because it's draining, on top of everything else.
The goal is really to end up eating like a normal-but-health-conscious person. Thinking back to LA last summer, I wasn't really consuming anything but frozen yogurt, coffee with soy milk, lunches consisting of bags of SunBites or cashew nuts and too many cans of diet coke, and the occasional large vegan takeout for dinner. I ate a lot of salad and sushi, and avoided cheese like the plague. Plus I was working out for half an hour every day in the living room, doing calisthenics and stuff. I really need to get back into that. I went from 72 to 65 in a matter of weeks. I've done it before, I can do it again.
The goal is really to end up eating like a normal-but-health-conscious person. Thinking back to LA last summer, I wasn't really consuming anything but frozen yogurt, coffee with soy milk, lunches consisting of bags of SunBites or cashew nuts and too many cans of diet coke, and the occasional large vegan takeout for dinner. I ate a lot of salad and sushi, and avoided cheese like the plague. Plus I was working out for half an hour every day in the living room, doing calisthenics and stuff. I really need to get back into that. I went from 72 to 65 in a matter of weeks. I've done it before, I can do it again.
I feel positive about this.
Tuesday, 16 December 2014
Weight loss has slowed, for now. I'm aware that this happens: the water weight goes, and then everything stabilises for a bit, and it's frustrating as hell. But I'm sick of the 70s. 4 more kilos, and I'm back in my safe zone. Whatever "safe" means.
Currently drinking a bottle of wine, and eating non-fat Swiss cheese, and hoping that at some point tonight I'll pass out. All I ate in the day was a cup of mango yogurt, 1 tangerine, 1/2 a cup of cereal, 2/3 of a soy latte, and 2 black coffees with Splenda. Then I got home at 9, and ate a plate of macaroni cheese, because I was starving, and part of me doesn't regret it because it was delicious and I finally got the warmth back into my fingers. But now I'm drinking this shitty Spanish wine I wasted money on and eating more cheese (low-fat, but not low enough). I hate drinking alone, and I know I shouldn't do it, but I felt so wired up until I started. I just needed something to take the edge off.
I have a fear that I will never change. That I'll always stay in this state of dependence (on my vices and other people), and slip into some kind of permanent slump I'll never be able to remove myself from. I want to change my appearance and personality dramatically, although I don't know how. I know that it starts with my mindset though, and trying to stop this self-pity crap. No one will have time for me in the future. I can't stay screwed up forever.
Technically speaking, I only ate around 1300 calories today, and that's not enough to cause weight gain. Emotionally, I can't shake the feeling that I've undone all my hard work in the space of one night. This is how I get at 2 a.m. I start believing things that aren't true, or logical. I wonder where my logic went.
Within the time frame that I have, it is logical to assume that I will be able to drop these last 5 kilos by the end of the Christmas holiday (January 5). But as far as I'm aware, bottles of wine and several slices of Swiss cheese past midnight has never been that conducive to weight loss, so I should probably stop. The question is, as it always has been - will 68 kilos be enough?
Probably not, but we'll address that at a later date.
Currently drinking a bottle of wine, and eating non-fat Swiss cheese, and hoping that at some point tonight I'll pass out. All I ate in the day was a cup of mango yogurt, 1 tangerine, 1/2 a cup of cereal, 2/3 of a soy latte, and 2 black coffees with Splenda. Then I got home at 9, and ate a plate of macaroni cheese, because I was starving, and part of me doesn't regret it because it was delicious and I finally got the warmth back into my fingers. But now I'm drinking this shitty Spanish wine I wasted money on and eating more cheese (low-fat, but not low enough). I hate drinking alone, and I know I shouldn't do it, but I felt so wired up until I started. I just needed something to take the edge off.
I have a fear that I will never change. That I'll always stay in this state of dependence (on my vices and other people), and slip into some kind of permanent slump I'll never be able to remove myself from. I want to change my appearance and personality dramatically, although I don't know how. I know that it starts with my mindset though, and trying to stop this self-pity crap. No one will have time for me in the future. I can't stay screwed up forever.
Technically speaking, I only ate around 1300 calories today, and that's not enough to cause weight gain. Emotionally, I can't shake the feeling that I've undone all my hard work in the space of one night. This is how I get at 2 a.m. I start believing things that aren't true, or logical. I wonder where my logic went.
Within the time frame that I have, it is logical to assume that I will be able to drop these last 5 kilos by the end of the Christmas holiday (January 5). But as far as I'm aware, bottles of wine and several slices of Swiss cheese past midnight has never been that conducive to weight loss, so I should probably stop. The question is, as it always has been - will 68 kilos be enough?
Probably not, but we'll address that at a later date.
Monday, 15 December 2014
So it's 7.30, and I've only had 400 calories so far, comprising of some raspberry yogurt, a banana, 1/2 cup of bran cereal and diet coke. I have the most tremendous headache, but it feels worth it, because I stepped on the scales and saw that I'd lost 4 kgs since I got back a week ago.
Currently my weight is 73. At 5'9", that puts my BMI at 23.9, "healthy". A week ago, I was technically overweight by BMI standards, which seems absurd, that you can be fat one week and normal the next. But I guess BMI is stupid, and doesn't take into account muscle, or body composition, or bone density. Still, it's an adequate marker for where I want my weight to be. In the first term of uni, I weighed around 62 kgs after having had the flu, which put my BMI at 20, but I could see my ribs. I guess the initial goal is 68, where my weight remained for the entirety of the second term, where I could wear dresses and short skirts and tights and not feel monstrous - "only 5 kgs less than I am now". But 5 kgs is a lot, and now I've lost the initial water weight, it's only going to get harder. But my goal still stands. I want 68 by the first week back at school, in January, and that's three weeks away.
Presently and in the past, weight loss - for me - has never become noticeable until I lose more than 6 kgs, which is a stone. I'm not expecting anyone to notice, but I suspect they will if I return to university less bloated and in decidedly snazzier attire than last term. That's the aim here. It's not be a sad little thin girl with no energy or motivation, who takes an hour to eat a cereal bar. My aim is to be triumphant, and to have nothing to complain about anymore. I wore a dress today for the first time since summer, with tights and thick socks rolled over boots. I looked "feminine", a word I haven't equated with myself since I first got to university. I know I'm still fat, but I won't be for long. And when I get to 68, the next goal will be lower, and I'll keep going until I finally feel confident enough to wear and eat whatever the fuck I want and not be self-conscious. Summer in this country is a nightmare.
Yesterday the total came to around 1150. So far I've been able to lose on 1300-1500, which is still under my deficit because I'm tall, but I know that as it gets harder to lose, the calories will have to go down too. I'm training myself, conditioning my body to need less and still function as it did before. That's the thing. I haven't felt functional for an entire term, even though my intakes have bordered around the 2300 mark. I guess when you eat too much and gain weight, functionality decreases just the same as it would when you eat too little. You start craving 14 hours sleep and panting on the fifteen minute walk to lectures, and God knows that's not healthy.
Currently my weight is 73. At 5'9", that puts my BMI at 23.9, "healthy". A week ago, I was technically overweight by BMI standards, which seems absurd, that you can be fat one week and normal the next. But I guess BMI is stupid, and doesn't take into account muscle, or body composition, or bone density. Still, it's an adequate marker for where I want my weight to be. In the first term of uni, I weighed around 62 kgs after having had the flu, which put my BMI at 20, but I could see my ribs. I guess the initial goal is 68, where my weight remained for the entirety of the second term, where I could wear dresses and short skirts and tights and not feel monstrous - "only 5 kgs less than I am now". But 5 kgs is a lot, and now I've lost the initial water weight, it's only going to get harder. But my goal still stands. I want 68 by the first week back at school, in January, and that's three weeks away.
Presently and in the past, weight loss - for me - has never become noticeable until I lose more than 6 kgs, which is a stone. I'm not expecting anyone to notice, but I suspect they will if I return to university less bloated and in decidedly snazzier attire than last term. That's the aim here. It's not be a sad little thin girl with no energy or motivation, who takes an hour to eat a cereal bar. My aim is to be triumphant, and to have nothing to complain about anymore. I wore a dress today for the first time since summer, with tights and thick socks rolled over boots. I looked "feminine", a word I haven't equated with myself since I first got to university. I know I'm still fat, but I won't be for long. And when I get to 68, the next goal will be lower, and I'll keep going until I finally feel confident enough to wear and eat whatever the fuck I want and not be self-conscious. Summer in this country is a nightmare.
Yesterday the total came to around 1150. So far I've been able to lose on 1300-1500, which is still under my deficit because I'm tall, but I know that as it gets harder to lose, the calories will have to go down too. I'm training myself, conditioning my body to need less and still function as it did before. That's the thing. I haven't felt functional for an entire term, even though my intakes have bordered around the 2300 mark. I guess when you eat too much and gain weight, functionality decreases just the same as it would when you eat too little. You start craving 14 hours sleep and panting on the fifteen minute walk to lectures, and God knows that's not healthy.
Sunday, 14 December 2014
Today has been rough. I had multiple arguments with my mother, who seems to revel in blaming her unhappiness on my unhappiness, completely disregarding the fact that whilst at university my ups and downs of emotion have positively zero effect on her life and relationships. I've been intermittently crying and shouting all day, storming out of the house twice and now finally in my room, trying to distract myself with Lost and talking to old London friends.
I want to say to her, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a fuck-up. I'm sorry for messing up your life. I'm sorry for sucking the joy out of your day. But then the other half of me just thinks: screw all of you. I'm depressed and I'm not apologising. So why don't you just leave me alone to my misery, and my days spent in bed, and my insular world. Just leave me alone because I know you can't handle it.
No one can handle it, especially not me. I think I am borderline bipolar by medical standards, and need to go back into psychotherapy. I get these intense waves of euphoria that come crashing down so hard in the space of just a few hours. I don't know who I am anymore, and sometimes, I wonder if imitation is all I'm good at. I'm just playing a part and sleep-walking through life, hoping someone will notice and pull me out of the hole. But no one ever does, not for long enough anyway. I guess it's not their responsibility, it's mine.
I ate two scrambled eggs on toast, with ketchup, and then a chicken salad sandwich, even though I didn't want it. Then there was the black coffee chock-full of sweetener that I downed while I was out, along with three cigarettes. I was just chaining outside Starbucks, waiting to calm down. I couldn't go back into the house in that state.
So that's around 550 calories, and it's only 6pm. I want to go down and spend time with my mother, but I know that she can't stand to be around me. She said so herself.
I want to say to her, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being a fuck-up. I'm sorry for messing up your life. I'm sorry for sucking the joy out of your day. But then the other half of me just thinks: screw all of you. I'm depressed and I'm not apologising. So why don't you just leave me alone to my misery, and my days spent in bed, and my insular world. Just leave me alone because I know you can't handle it.
No one can handle it, especially not me. I think I am borderline bipolar by medical standards, and need to go back into psychotherapy. I get these intense waves of euphoria that come crashing down so hard in the space of just a few hours. I don't know who I am anymore, and sometimes, I wonder if imitation is all I'm good at. I'm just playing a part and sleep-walking through life, hoping someone will notice and pull me out of the hole. But no one ever does, not for long enough anyway. I guess it's not their responsibility, it's mine.
I ate two scrambled eggs on toast, with ketchup, and then a chicken salad sandwich, even though I didn't want it. Then there was the black coffee chock-full of sweetener that I downed while I was out, along with three cigarettes. I was just chaining outside Starbucks, waiting to calm down. I couldn't go back into the house in that state.
So that's around 550 calories, and it's only 6pm. I want to go down and spend time with my mother, but I know that she can't stand to be around me. She said so herself.
Saturday, 13 December 2014
Stopped blogging for several reasons. The first was that my flatmates kept coming into my room in the second term, and I'd often work in the kitchen and leave my laptop there, and I got paranoid about things again. I got paranoid about people googling my email address from university. I was just paranoid.
So now I'm here but I'm posting basically into a void. Currently this blog is just for me, which is both liberating and bewildering in equal measure. I'm posting again because I need a place to keep track of intakes, sleep and behaviour again since Tumblr/Instagram is way too public.
Tentatively, the goal is to stop needing things so badly. I realised recently that I need so many things just to depend on or use as a crutch. If it's not alcohol it's cigarettes, or food, and if it's not any or all of the above, it's trying to control things to the point of megalomania and exhaustion. Then this term, I needed so much sleep. I don't know why, maybe because I started smoking 15+ cigarettes a day again, and didn't work out, and was depressed to the point of staying in bed for as long as possible, so I had no energy. It was weird. And then food. I want to see food as fuel, nothing more. Or at least only feel the desire to eat when I'm hungry, and allow a busy schedule to overrule those cues to eat. I don't want to need anything from anyone or anything. I don't even want to need sleep, although that's a whole other issue I'll get into later. (NB: 6 hours is be a very satisfying amount to get adjusted to every night because it leaves you looking attractively gaunt but still functional.)
I'm gearing my brain and body up for the start of second term. I switched courses, to English. The weight gain is palpable. But it's not so bad. (Not so bad? A year ago I would have cringed at this weight.)
The point is, I'm going to fix it. Thinking of launching into some kind of 40-day stretch like Jesus in the desert. The 7 kilos weight loss I'm aiming for is not, by any measures, a ridiculous goal.
So now I'm here but I'm posting basically into a void. Currently this blog is just for me, which is both liberating and bewildering in equal measure. I'm posting again because I need a place to keep track of intakes, sleep and behaviour again since Tumblr/Instagram is way too public.
Tentatively, the goal is to stop needing things so badly. I realised recently that I need so many things just to depend on or use as a crutch. If it's not alcohol it's cigarettes, or food, and if it's not any or all of the above, it's trying to control things to the point of megalomania and exhaustion. Then this term, I needed so much sleep. I don't know why, maybe because I started smoking 15+ cigarettes a day again, and didn't work out, and was depressed to the point of staying in bed for as long as possible, so I had no energy. It was weird. And then food. I want to see food as fuel, nothing more. Or at least only feel the desire to eat when I'm hungry, and allow a busy schedule to overrule those cues to eat. I don't want to need anything from anyone or anything. I don't even want to need sleep, although that's a whole other issue I'll get into later. (NB: 6 hours is be a very satisfying amount to get adjusted to every night because it leaves you looking attractively gaunt but still functional.)
I'm gearing my brain and body up for the start of second term. I switched courses, to English. The weight gain is palpable. But it's not so bad. (Not so bad? A year ago I would have cringed at this weight.)
The point is, I'm going to fix it. Thinking of launching into some kind of 40-day stretch like Jesus in the desert. The 7 kilos weight loss I'm aiming for is not, by any measures, a ridiculous goal.
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