Paris did exactly what it was supposed to. It calmed me, collected me, and provided me with all the fabulous espressos and Dijon mustard I wanted. I'm back up to 157, but I don't care. It's food weight from the amount of Carambars I consumed yesterday on the journey home. Plus, I hop on a plane tomorrow to LA, and I am getting my ass in gear. My regime there, I have decided, will consist of lots of fresh produce, vegan health foods, green tea, protein shakes and Fiber-One cereal - along with a shit ton of exercise, and daily sweats in the sauna. It'll clear me out, and that's what I need. I need to be cleared out until all the poisonous chaos inside my head is finally swept along with a broom, never to be seen or heard from again.
Alfie texted me today. I didn't respond. I haven't heard from him in over a month, and the things I discovered about him through mutual friends (ones that have my best interests at heart) are hardly tasteful. Caro says I should leave it altogether, and I'm inclined to agree with her. I haven't been treated well, and while in the past there was a definite time and a place for self-destructive, toxic codependency, currently, I'd rather surround myself with people who actually give a damn about my emotional wellbeing. Following that, I am no longer in love with him as I used to be. And so I see very little reason to give him the satisfaction of responding to a complaining, narcissistic, whiny message about how neglected his ego feels.
I'm feeling strong, and like I can grasp the next month with all my strength. I am reading tons, and it's giving me a great distraction from my body. But in Los Angeles I will become whole, at one with myself, and build some armour for my looming late-summer departure. I might... dare I say it,... be changing.
Monday, 24 June 2013
Friday, 14 June 2013
Tears and Triumph
I had hoped that my '1200 calories a day' plan was going to take off, but as usual, being the failure compulsive-eater that I am, I started eating late at night again, and the whole scale tipped off balance. Wednesday night I had the worst waitressing shift of my life... I was alone, catering for a room of 27 'royal guests' by myself, and they were all unbelievably rude to me. Not only that, but I had to carry a ton of heavy crates up and down this big industrial lift, and completely did my back in. When I came home I just cried and cried and stuffed my face, before cancelling the rest of my shifts for this month.
Yesterday I cried all day long, and I'm not even kidding when I say I must have re-applied my makeup around 20 times. I cried the minute I woke up, when I saw Tina for breakfast, when I came back home from seeing Tina; I cried in the car for an hour while waiting for my mum, cried when she came back, cried when I slammed my fingers in a kitchen drawer, and proceeded to cry on and off all evening until there were no tears left to cry.
However, yesterday - despite its awfulness - was the first day in weeks where I didn't binge, or even eat past 8pm at night. I was sitting there in my room with my book, having just had my soup for dinner, waiting for it to happen. And I actually got up and went down to the kitchen at around 10, but stalled myself by making a hot drink, and drinking it outside until the binge urge went away. I haven't been able to control my actions like that in a long time, so I felt proud. And the upside was that I ended up going to bed earlier (midnight, which is freakishly early for me) because I didn't have to wait up to digest any food I'd consumed at 1am, and nor did I have much reason to stay up any longer.
This morning, I'm back down to 155 (I was up to 157 on Wednesday - yuck), and I'm following my mother's advice of eating 3 meals a day with no snacks in between (or more importantly, no snacks after). I have woken up with what I believe from experience is the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I'm calling it a day with the smoking - although this is going to make the 'no snacking' thing fairly difficult, as a cigarette is the next best thing.
I've had a healthy breakfast - fat-free vanilla yogurt with dried fruit and oats, and a Savse raw smoothie with strawberry, orange, celery, kale and spinach (yum). At around 2.30 I'm going to Tina's house for a Buffy marathon. Woop. I'm planning on buying a huge pack of fresh salad and a fat-free dressing, and just munching on that over the course of the afternoon. There will also be coffee, and probably a large amount of diet coke, which is fine. Then this evening I'll either have another lentil soup with grated parmesan, or baked beans, or this low-cal frozen burrito I have at home. And then that will be it. I proved to myself yesterday I didn't need to binge, even when I was feeling upset and lonely all day long. So this evening, I definitely don't need to.
Love, peace and Buffy
<3
Yesterday I cried all day long, and I'm not even kidding when I say I must have re-applied my makeup around 20 times. I cried the minute I woke up, when I saw Tina for breakfast, when I came back home from seeing Tina; I cried in the car for an hour while waiting for my mum, cried when she came back, cried when I slammed my fingers in a kitchen drawer, and proceeded to cry on and off all evening until there were no tears left to cry.
However, yesterday - despite its awfulness - was the first day in weeks where I didn't binge, or even eat past 8pm at night. I was sitting there in my room with my book, having just had my soup for dinner, waiting for it to happen. And I actually got up and went down to the kitchen at around 10, but stalled myself by making a hot drink, and drinking it outside until the binge urge went away. I haven't been able to control my actions like that in a long time, so I felt proud. And the upside was that I ended up going to bed earlier (midnight, which is freakishly early for me) because I didn't have to wait up to digest any food I'd consumed at 1am, and nor did I have much reason to stay up any longer.
This morning, I'm back down to 155 (I was up to 157 on Wednesday - yuck), and I'm following my mother's advice of eating 3 meals a day with no snacks in between (or more importantly, no snacks after). I have woken up with what I believe from experience is the beginnings of a sinus cold, so I'm calling it a day with the smoking - although this is going to make the 'no snacking' thing fairly difficult, as a cigarette is the next best thing.
I've had a healthy breakfast - fat-free vanilla yogurt with dried fruit and oats, and a Savse raw smoothie with strawberry, orange, celery, kale and spinach (yum). At around 2.30 I'm going to Tina's house for a Buffy marathon. Woop. I'm planning on buying a huge pack of fresh salad and a fat-free dressing, and just munching on that over the course of the afternoon. There will also be coffee, and probably a large amount of diet coke, which is fine. Then this evening I'll either have another lentil soup with grated parmesan, or baked beans, or this low-cal frozen burrito I have at home. And then that will be it. I proved to myself yesterday I didn't need to binge, even when I was feeling upset and lonely all day long. So this evening, I definitely don't need to.
Love, peace and Buffy
<3
Monday, 10 June 2013
1200 calories a day keeps the doctor away
As much as I hate to admit it, the past week hasn't been much of a dieting success. I veered hopelessly from restricting to bingeing on alternate days, and the result is that I'm still hovering at 155. I'm honestly getting sick of it - and I want, I need to find my 'happy medium'.
The problem is that I'm impulsive, and the sadder I feel about my weight gain, the more I tend to react with compulsive face-stuffing and constant carb-o-cide. I think my confusion stems from the fact that I can't set my mind to one task, and complete it. I'm perpetually wishy-washy about my goals, undecided on whether I want to ditch 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 40 lbs. Undecided whether or not I want to make the commitment to gaining health, or losing weight. A big part of me is surging for recovery. I'd like to embrace the way I look and move on with more important things, but every skinny girl or magazine ad I see is an ongoing reminder of what I truly 'want', and it's making things very difficult. I've spent the past few months skipping between every diet or calorie-restriction plan in existence, never once stopping to listen to what my body needs. I've encountered short, frequent bursts of 'healthy living', during which I'll eat well, avoid counting calories, choose 'good fats' and 'lean proteins' and 'wholegrain carbs', and attend the gym 4-5 times a week. But they always burn out - I always burn out, because I fall under the illusion that I don't deserve that lifestyle. That I don't deserve to treat myself nicely, go easier on myself, nourish my body. And it's ridiculous, but it's the eating disordered part of my head speaking, and as we all know, that part is more often than not VERY hard to overcome.
I know deep down that if I stop bullying myself over the way I look, and stop depriving my body in accordance, I'll cease to binge and self-destruct in the way I have been doing. This is easier said than done, of course, but I need to give it my best shot - otherwise I'll probably go insane.
The problem is that I'm impulsive, and the sadder I feel about my weight gain, the more I tend to react with compulsive face-stuffing and constant carb-o-cide. I think my confusion stems from the fact that I can't set my mind to one task, and complete it. I'm perpetually wishy-washy about my goals, undecided on whether I want to ditch 10 lbs, 20 lbs, 40 lbs. Undecided whether or not I want to make the commitment to gaining health, or losing weight. A big part of me is surging for recovery. I'd like to embrace the way I look and move on with more important things, but every skinny girl or magazine ad I see is an ongoing reminder of what I truly 'want', and it's making things very difficult. I've spent the past few months skipping between every diet or calorie-restriction plan in existence, never once stopping to listen to what my body needs. I've encountered short, frequent bursts of 'healthy living', during which I'll eat well, avoid counting calories, choose 'good fats' and 'lean proteins' and 'wholegrain carbs', and attend the gym 4-5 times a week. But they always burn out - I always burn out, because I fall under the illusion that I don't deserve that lifestyle. That I don't deserve to treat myself nicely, go easier on myself, nourish my body. And it's ridiculous, but it's the eating disordered part of my head speaking, and as we all know, that part is more often than not VERY hard to overcome.
I know deep down that if I stop bullying myself over the way I look, and stop depriving my body in accordance, I'll cease to binge and self-destruct in the way I have been doing. This is easier said than done, of course, but I need to give it my best shot - otherwise I'll probably go insane.
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
Vodka is the devil
I *may* have got mildly wasted tonight. Okay, I got mildly wasted tonight. In Bash's room, whilst trying on clothes, dancing to music, and smoking Vogues. Somehow, that becomes less classy when you have a laughing fit on the floor in your underwear, then proceed to eat cheesecake, garlic bread, Chinese crackers, and hoummous one after the other whilst trying to justify it with the fact that vodka nearly always dehydrates me and shows a lower reading on the scale the next day.
Sigh.
I was 154.4 lbs this morning, so my weight is actually going down, slowly but surely. (Probably not after tonight, though). I think I need to put some kind of plan in place that isn't a diet but more a sensible eating plan I can stick to and alter if need be. I need to get a routine in my life, even though my life isn't 'routine' - which can be hard sometimes, but there are ways around it. It would be nice to find a way to plummet myself into the 140s by the 15th or so, because I would kill right now even to be 149. This fact makes me feel like a fatty, but it's all psychological, and if I'm 147 or so by the time I leave, I'll be in a better mindset to drop weight on holiday.
PS. Thanks for the advice that you girls gave me on the skates! I'll definitely get a pair. I'm gonna practice in my local park before I go, so that when I get there I know I won't make a total fool out of myself :P
Sigh.
I was 154.4 lbs this morning, so my weight is actually going down, slowly but surely. (Probably not after tonight, though). I think I need to put some kind of plan in place that isn't a diet but more a sensible eating plan I can stick to and alter if need be. I need to get a routine in my life, even though my life isn't 'routine' - which can be hard sometimes, but there are ways around it. It would be nice to find a way to plummet myself into the 140s by the 15th or so, because I would kill right now even to be 149. This fact makes me feel like a fatty, but it's all psychological, and if I'm 147 or so by the time I leave, I'll be in a better mindset to drop weight on holiday.
PS. Thanks for the advice that you girls gave me on the skates! I'll definitely get a pair. I'm gonna practice in my local park before I go, so that when I get there I know I won't make a total fool out of myself :P
Monday, 3 June 2013
Had another good day, despite yesterday's little scale-upset. It's still boiling in London, to the point where it's got uncomfortable attempting to do anything but lie in the sun with music. Chilled in the park with my step bro and sister, ate Haribo, drank diet coke, and lived a little. Today's intake:
-30g bran cereal w/ 1/2 c. soymilk and 1/5 c. raisins (180)
-Elderflower presse (30)
-Haribo (100)
-Diet coke (0)
-Lettuce & sweet chilli tortilla wrap (130)
-Iced Seattle latte (165)
Later, Tina's coming over for sushi, wine and a movie. I'll stick with edamame, and tofu spring rolls, and try to stick to a small portion of Jasmine rice rather than loading up on the carbs. Hoping to be at 150 by the end of the week.
-30g bran cereal w/ 1/2 c. soymilk and 1/5 c. raisins (180)
-Elderflower presse (30)
-Haribo (100)
-Diet coke (0)
-Lettuce & sweet chilli tortilla wrap (130)
-Iced Seattle latte (165)
Later, Tina's coming over for sushi, wine and a movie. I'll stick with edamame, and tofu spring rolls, and try to stick to a small portion of Jasmine rice rather than loading up on the carbs. Hoping to be at 150 by the end of the week.
Sunday, 2 June 2013
I don't know what to do.
I'm so confused, and I don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on in my head right now.
I stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends about how I've been feeling lately. And half way through the conversation, she tells me she straight up, you need to recover. Not physically per se, but mentally. She tells me I need to let go of all these numbers in my head, all these rules, restrictions, limits I place on myself - otherwise I'll go insane.
The long and short of it is, we had a really in depth/interesting conversation that rotated around society; the 'ideal' we're all cleaving to (which is actually bullshit, because being thin does not necessarily = power, happiness, and sexuality, despite what we're all brainwashed to think); feminism, eating disorders, short and long-term health and happiness. By the end of the night, I was utterly convinced (and yes, it was 3am) that the way forward was to give up this thing once and for all. To let go of weighing, counting, controlling, obsessing, and just live my life free of burden.
I woke up with a new purpose. I didn't step on the scales, I vowed to go according to hunger and the satisfaction that intuitive eating would give me. I had an amazing day - probably the happiest day of this year so far. I spent the afternoon in the sun with my three best girl friends, my sister, and my mum's boyfriend's son (I'll probably start referring to him less-long-windedly in the future as my stepbrother, as that's close to what I now consider him). We got Mexican food, sipped ice-cold frappuccinos on a lawn somewhere, smoked, and dozed off, drenched in light. I caught up with each and every one of them, and nothing was poisoned, or tainted, by my usual worries/anxieties. I just felt... free. Then we all came home sapped of energy but content, and my mum and her boyfriend made us dinner. We all sat around the table like a big happy family, laughing, eating, enjoying our food. It was a perfect day, in my eyes.
Until 11pm, when my head feels clouded suddenly, and I'm possessed to step on those dreaded bathroom scales. And then the perfect mirage was over, the moment I saw 160 flash up at me.
I can't do this. If it's a choice between my happiness/freedom and gaining weight, or mild stress/obsessive self-destructing anxiety and losing just a few pounds, I'm more inclined to take the latter, as awful as that sounds. I CAN'T get heavier. I cannot, will not do it. Not if it means happiness, or better self-confidence... because it will be a deluded happiness. The kind of deluded happiness experienced by fat people who are in love with food and being full and are in complete denial about how they appear to the outside world.
It does matter to me. Okay, I said it. This matters to me. I can't give this thing up. I never ever ever want to see that number on my scales... EVER again. It was like a nightmare. I was 135 lbs this time last year, I can't be up 25 lbs by then, it's just... it's disgusting. Repulsive. Shameful, and totally mortifying.
I don't know what to do. I'm just freaking out. I don't know whether to persevere with 600 calories/day, pretending this blip never happened.
But it DID happen. I experienced life 'on the other side'. And even if it was only for a long afternoon, it made an impact on me, and there's no shutting that off. Ugh.
My knee-jerk reaction is to stem the damage by restricting as much as I can this week, even if it means being rude at social arrangements, or seeing friends between meal times. Because there is no way on this earth that I'm going to exceed 160 lbs in this lifetime. No. Fucking. Way.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe, after all this, I've finally just gone bloody crazy.
I'm so confused, and I don't know how to make sense of everything that's going on in my head right now.
I stayed up all night talking with one of my closest friends about how I've been feeling lately. And half way through the conversation, she tells me she straight up, you need to recover. Not physically per se, but mentally. She tells me I need to let go of all these numbers in my head, all these rules, restrictions, limits I place on myself - otherwise I'll go insane.
The long and short of it is, we had a really in depth/interesting conversation that rotated around society; the 'ideal' we're all cleaving to (which is actually bullshit, because being thin does not necessarily = power, happiness, and sexuality, despite what we're all brainwashed to think); feminism, eating disorders, short and long-term health and happiness. By the end of the night, I was utterly convinced (and yes, it was 3am) that the way forward was to give up this thing once and for all. To let go of weighing, counting, controlling, obsessing, and just live my life free of burden.
I woke up with a new purpose. I didn't step on the scales, I vowed to go according to hunger and the satisfaction that intuitive eating would give me. I had an amazing day - probably the happiest day of this year so far. I spent the afternoon in the sun with my three best girl friends, my sister, and my mum's boyfriend's son (I'll probably start referring to him less-long-windedly in the future as my stepbrother, as that's close to what I now consider him). We got Mexican food, sipped ice-cold frappuccinos on a lawn somewhere, smoked, and dozed off, drenched in light. I caught up with each and every one of them, and nothing was poisoned, or tainted, by my usual worries/anxieties. I just felt... free. Then we all came home sapped of energy but content, and my mum and her boyfriend made us dinner. We all sat around the table like a big happy family, laughing, eating, enjoying our food. It was a perfect day, in my eyes.
Until 11pm, when my head feels clouded suddenly, and I'm possessed to step on those dreaded bathroom scales. And then the perfect mirage was over, the moment I saw 160 flash up at me.
I can't do this. If it's a choice between my happiness/freedom and gaining weight, or mild stress/obsessive self-destructing anxiety and losing just a few pounds, I'm more inclined to take the latter, as awful as that sounds. I CAN'T get heavier. I cannot, will not do it. Not if it means happiness, or better self-confidence... because it will be a deluded happiness. The kind of deluded happiness experienced by fat people who are in love with food and being full and are in complete denial about how they appear to the outside world.
It does matter to me. Okay, I said it. This matters to me. I can't give this thing up. I never ever ever want to see that number on my scales... EVER again. It was like a nightmare. I was 135 lbs this time last year, I can't be up 25 lbs by then, it's just... it's disgusting. Repulsive. Shameful, and totally mortifying.
I don't know what to do. I'm just freaking out. I don't know whether to persevere with 600 calories/day, pretending this blip never happened.
But it DID happen. I experienced life 'on the other side'. And even if it was only for a long afternoon, it made an impact on me, and there's no shutting that off. Ugh.
My knee-jerk reaction is to stem the damage by restricting as much as I can this week, even if it means being rude at social arrangements, or seeing friends between meal times. Because there is no way on this earth that I'm going to exceed 160 lbs in this lifetime. No. Fucking. Way.
Maybe I'm going crazy. Maybe, after all this, I've finally just gone bloody crazy.
Saturday, 1 June 2013
Today's intake so far ('free day'):
-2 c. bran cereal (220)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-Maryland cookie (53)
-Deli olives (80)
-Light Choices sandwich (270)
-Haribo (100)
-Coffee frappuccino (110)
-Diet coke (0)
Total: 913 calories
I'm gonna finish up with a cup-a-soup in a few minutes, then I'll call it the end of the day at 8pm. It's not as bad as it could have been, and I won't be exceeding 1000 calories, so tomorrow I can start my 600 days and finally start dropping again. Being this weight is really getting to me.
I spent two hours in the sun with Tina and Bash, lying on the green next to my house and talking about the meaning of life... I always become existential while hopped up on caffeine, don't ask me why. Also, bran cereal with soymilk is amazing. I'm seeing them again tomorrow for frozen yogurt, so with that in mind (and leaving room for extras) I'll plan tomorrow:
-1 c. bran cereal (110)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-'Classic' plain frozen yogurt w/strawberries (250)
-Lentil soup (190)
That leaves 10 calories' room for extras - diet coke, gum, black coffee, the like. I might change stuff around if plans change, but for now, that's my projected intake.
I'm also considering buying some cheap rollerblades for LA, and taking up inline skating while I'm there. We'll be staying right next to Venice Beach, so plenty of opportunities for exercise. :D
PS. I took my measurements for the first time in... years. As expected, I'm far beyond the point I used to consider 'acceptable'. Waist: 29 inches, hips at widest point: 39 inches. I'm aiming for waist: 26, hips: 34 - which I believe is a UK size 8 (probably the smallest I'll ever reach with my bone structure).
-2 c. bran cereal (220)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-Maryland cookie (53)
-Deli olives (80)
-Light Choices sandwich (270)
-Haribo (100)
-Coffee frappuccino (110)
-Diet coke (0)
Total: 913 calories
I'm gonna finish up with a cup-a-soup in a few minutes, then I'll call it the end of the day at 8pm. It's not as bad as it could have been, and I won't be exceeding 1000 calories, so tomorrow I can start my 600 days and finally start dropping again. Being this weight is really getting to me.
I spent two hours in the sun with Tina and Bash, lying on the green next to my house and talking about the meaning of life... I always become existential while hopped up on caffeine, don't ask me why. Also, bran cereal with soymilk is amazing. I'm seeing them again tomorrow for frozen yogurt, so with that in mind (and leaving room for extras) I'll plan tomorrow:
-1 c. bran cereal (110)
-1 c. soy milk (40)
-'Classic' plain frozen yogurt w/strawberries (250)
-Lentil soup (190)
That leaves 10 calories' room for extras - diet coke, gum, black coffee, the like. I might change stuff around if plans change, but for now, that's my projected intake.
I'm also considering buying some cheap rollerblades for LA, and taking up inline skating while I'm there. We'll be staying right next to Venice Beach, so plenty of opportunities for exercise. :D
PS. I took my measurements for the first time in... years. As expected, I'm far beyond the point I used to consider 'acceptable'. Waist: 29 inches, hips at widest point: 39 inches. I'm aiming for waist: 26, hips: 34 - which I believe is a UK size 8 (probably the smallest I'll ever reach with my bone structure).
Thursday, 30 May 2013
Farewell to the Fatty
I had a terrible day. My sister is normally alright with me these days. And by alright, I mean she'll converse with me, she'll laugh with me, and she'll generally be a far better presence in my life than she was a short year ago. But then there'll be the odd day where she'll take it upon herself to be the nastiest, cattiest, bitchiest person out, and everything that comes out of her mouth will be poisonous vitriol.
Today, it was that I didn't go to the gym enough, I didn't try hard enough to get a job, no wonder I didn't have many friends left with the way I 'went on', and that I project all my issues onto my family and seek attention from everyone all the time. Talk about 'projecting'. And to add insult to injury, I binged. On carbs, and cheese, and crisps, and chocolate. I can already see it on my body.
I'm probably around 158 lbs again; I wouldn't be entirely surprised, either, if it was more than that. The way my body works now (I assume as a result of years worth of restricting, bingeing, and metabolism-butchering), it takes a day's bad eating to put on a kilo, and around a week - often two - to take it back off again.
I've come to deduce, therefore, that the only surefire way for ME to lose weight successfully, is to adopt a plan of consistent caloric restriction (ie. <1000 calories a day), to follow it, and to stick to it for an extended period of time. The only times in my life where I have actually lost significant amounts of weight - and felt happy with the results - have been the times where my discipline is high, and my calories low. I don't know if this is just a result of having ruined my metabolism through seven years of disordered eating, or perhaps merely my frustration at my own body for not performing as quickly as I want it to under these circumstances, but I don't seem to be able to lose weight on >1000 calories anymore, even with exercise. It's disheartening, sure, but at the same time, it's the right kick-up-the-backside I need for me be able to commence a new 'chapter' - or rather, revisit an old one.
Hopefully, from now onwards, I'll stick with some sort of binge-free plan, have sufficient energy to work out but not burn out, and by the time I'm back in Los Angeles on June 26, I'll be a little lighter, and happier. Some notes to consider: 1) A tall light mocha frappuccino from Starbucks is 96 calories, and it's half-price-frappuccino week in the UK. There's something about fat-free, icy, half-price coffee goodness that just does it for me. 2) I need to buy Bran cereal, and low-cal lentil soup, ASAP. Luckily these are both inexpensive purchases, and as both are adequately filling/high in fibre, I feel they'll help me out on the good-old-restriction-train I'm supposedly about to board.
I also realised that I'll be satisfied - happy, even - if I just so much as see a glimpse of the 140s again. I just need to know I'm making progress.
Today, it was that I didn't go to the gym enough, I didn't try hard enough to get a job, no wonder I didn't have many friends left with the way I 'went on', and that I project all my issues onto my family and seek attention from everyone all the time. Talk about 'projecting'. And to add insult to injury, I binged. On carbs, and cheese, and crisps, and chocolate. I can already see it on my body.
I'm probably around 158 lbs again; I wouldn't be entirely surprised, either, if it was more than that. The way my body works now (I assume as a result of years worth of restricting, bingeing, and metabolism-butchering), it takes a day's bad eating to put on a kilo, and around a week - often two - to take it back off again.
I've come to deduce, therefore, that the only surefire way for ME to lose weight successfully, is to adopt a plan of consistent caloric restriction (ie. <1000 calories a day), to follow it, and to stick to it for an extended period of time. The only times in my life where I have actually lost significant amounts of weight - and felt happy with the results - have been the times where my discipline is high, and my calories low. I don't know if this is just a result of having ruined my metabolism through seven years of disordered eating, or perhaps merely my frustration at my own body for not performing as quickly as I want it to under these circumstances, but I don't seem to be able to lose weight on >1000 calories anymore, even with exercise. It's disheartening, sure, but at the same time, it's the right kick-up-the-backside I need for me be able to commence a new 'chapter' - or rather, revisit an old one.
Hopefully, from now onwards, I'll stick with some sort of binge-free plan, have sufficient energy to work out but not burn out, and by the time I'm back in Los Angeles on June 26, I'll be a little lighter, and happier. Some notes to consider: 1) A tall light mocha frappuccino from Starbucks is 96 calories, and it's half-price-frappuccino week in the UK. There's something about fat-free, icy, half-price coffee goodness that just does it for me. 2) I need to buy Bran cereal, and low-cal lentil soup, ASAP. Luckily these are both inexpensive purchases, and as both are adequately filling/high in fibre, I feel they'll help me out on the good-old-restriction-train I'm supposedly about to board.
I also realised that I'll be satisfied - happy, even - if I just so much as see a glimpse of the 140s again. I just need to know I'm making progress.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Late-May mania
I had a crazy weekend. It was Tina's birthday party on Saturday night, and when everyone left, it was just Tina, her bf, Caro, Zara and me. I stayed up all night, talking manically, chugging diet coke and smoking menthol after menthol. I ate continuously for two days straight. Sunday afternoon I took a two-hour nap, then my mum's boyfriend's son came over for dinner. He brought weed, and we smoked it on a park bench, talking shit about life and music and friends. Monday morning I woke up, exhausted beyond belief, and 159.8 lbs.
Yesterday and today, I felt so full from the weekend's over-consumption of food, that I was able to easily restrict to 600 calories a day. This morning I weighed 156.2 lbs, -3.6 lbs in a day. If it were not for my poor energy levels (which, unbelievably, were far from soaring after the amount of calories I ate at Tina's), I'd continue on this streak. Wednesday (tomorrow) would constitute Day 3, and we all know about that three-day hump that comes with restricting. Past that, and you're on a roll. It would be so easy to keep going after that. But I'm making the executive decision to take heed of my last two days restricting, and continue along a still-restrictive-but-slightly-healthier path of 800 calories a day. 4x200 calorie meals is safe enough to still lose weight, but not dangerously unhealthy, and besides, I need the extra energy to work out. I ran on the treadmill today for 20 minutes straight, which I can't remember being able to do in years.
Re-reading 'Wasted', I've become obsessed with bagels, lollipops, carrot sticks with mustard, fat-free yogurt, raisins, coffee with a little cream. I'm thinking of quitting smoking, finally, in June - or at least limiting it to 'social smoking'.
I'm still tired, but feeling vaguely more normal, and, oddly a little more like myself.
Yesterday and today, I felt so full from the weekend's over-consumption of food, that I was able to easily restrict to 600 calories a day. This morning I weighed 156.2 lbs, -3.6 lbs in a day. If it were not for my poor energy levels (which, unbelievably, were far from soaring after the amount of calories I ate at Tina's), I'd continue on this streak. Wednesday (tomorrow) would constitute Day 3, and we all know about that three-day hump that comes with restricting. Past that, and you're on a roll. It would be so easy to keep going after that. But I'm making the executive decision to take heed of my last two days restricting, and continue along a still-restrictive-but-slightly-healthier path of 800 calories a day. 4x200 calorie meals is safe enough to still lose weight, but not dangerously unhealthy, and besides, I need the extra energy to work out. I ran on the treadmill today for 20 minutes straight, which I can't remember being able to do in years.
Re-reading 'Wasted', I've become obsessed with bagels, lollipops, carrot sticks with mustard, fat-free yogurt, raisins, coffee with a little cream. I'm thinking of quitting smoking, finally, in June - or at least limiting it to 'social smoking'.
I'm still tired, but feeling vaguely more normal, and, oddly a little more like myself.
Friday, 24 May 2013
It starts here
I need a good solid layout so I don't freak out and eat everything/anything. I've realised I probably need to start thinking of this as more of a lifestyle change than a 'diet', as the word diet seems to send me into a state of panic. I need to find something sustainable that I can settle into and follow, and that might take a while so I have to be patient. It's been a while since I successfully restricted, but I have faith that once I'm over the 'three-day hump', I can do it.
Money is also really tight for me at the moment, as I've mentioned, so I need to be frugal with my food choices. I'm also considering giving up caffeine and nicotine for a while after tomorrow (party), to cleanse out my system and reset everything. So it won't just be saying no to bad food habits, it'll be saying no to smoking and drinking diet coke/coffee... hopefully they'll all tie in together and it'll be easier to say no to overeating (and easier to save money). My new plan is going to consist of a piece of fruit, maybe a low-fat yogurt or cheese and salad for lunch. Dinner will be simple, either a small portion of what's being cooked, or some cucumber sticks with fat free Caesar dressing. This might change once I settle into eating this way, but I'm sticking to a few definite rules:
-8 glasses of water a day
-Don't eat after 6pm
-Herbal tea and vitamins for breakfast
-No snacking besides gum
I'm also going to keep up the exercise and try really hard to control myself after I've worked out. It's easy to simply make some toast and butter when I'm being lazy but it's difficult to compensate for those choices later.
I just have to try to gear myself back into that mindset wherein food is unimportant, just a mechanical thing you do a few times a day. I pin so many emotions on food and use it for a whole host of reasons - whether I'm happy, sad, anxious or celebrating, I'll eat. That has to stop. Weighed 156.6 this morning and hoping for 156.0 tomorrow.
Money is also really tight for me at the moment, as I've mentioned, so I need to be frugal with my food choices. I'm also considering giving up caffeine and nicotine for a while after tomorrow (party), to cleanse out my system and reset everything. So it won't just be saying no to bad food habits, it'll be saying no to smoking and drinking diet coke/coffee... hopefully they'll all tie in together and it'll be easier to say no to overeating (and easier to save money). My new plan is going to consist of a piece of fruit, maybe a low-fat yogurt or cheese and salad for lunch. Dinner will be simple, either a small portion of what's being cooked, or some cucumber sticks with fat free Caesar dressing. This might change once I settle into eating this way, but I'm sticking to a few definite rules:
-8 glasses of water a day
-Don't eat after 6pm
-Herbal tea and vitamins for breakfast
-No snacking besides gum
I'm also going to keep up the exercise and try really hard to control myself after I've worked out. It's easy to simply make some toast and butter when I'm being lazy but it's difficult to compensate for those choices later.
I just have to try to gear myself back into that mindset wherein food is unimportant, just a mechanical thing you do a few times a day. I pin so many emotions on food and use it for a whole host of reasons - whether I'm happy, sad, anxious or celebrating, I'll eat. That has to stop. Weighed 156.6 this morning and hoping for 156.0 tomorrow.
Thursday, 23 May 2013
A vegetarian's kryptonite...
My sister's cooking sweet and sour chicken downstairs, and I can smell it from my room. I swear to God, if I wasn't a vegetarian, I'd be all over that like a mo-fo.
Right well I'm just going to come out and say it. I had the most depressing morning ever. Yes, I say this sort of thing all the time. But I have hit an all. time. low. with my weight, and not a good 'low'. I weighed in at 157 freaking pounds. Okay, so admittedly I stepped on the scales early (8am), after a bad night's sleep (5hrs) because I had to wake up for a doctor's appointment.
The problem is, I've been exercising like a bitch on speed for the last few days, I'm talking kickboxing at my gym, biking, treadmill, all of that stuff. And I think because my metabolism sped up slightly, I compensated by eating more. Exercise makes you hungrier - that's a well-known fact - the point is you're supposed to eat your post-workout snack, then STOP until it's dinner time. My problem? I just keep on going. Bread. Lots of bread. And cheese. The two evils of this universe.
While I'm proud of myself that I've actually got my ass in gear after so long being a dormant lump, my recent weight gain is making me completely re-consider the benefits of exercise. So we all know working out is good for you. But is that all worth it, if I just end up gaining a pound a day doing it?! I want to keep going to the gym - I know it's good for me - but the problem is my diet, and the way I over-compensate with food when I'm tired, hungry, or bored.
I have a month until I go back to the States, and I refuse to have another awful, awful experience with my self-esteem like last time. Last time was a clothing debacle. I tried on every outfit in my suitcase at least twice over EVERY morning just to find something that didn't make me look fat. And I'm heavier now than I was back then.
I'm eating minimally from now on - or at least until the 25th of June. Healthy eating is obviously great if you can control yourself with proper portions at meal times. I don't stick to set meals, I graze all through the day and by 10pm I'll realise I've consumed up to 2,000 calories unwittingly... when I thought it was more like 1,200. Evidently, my body won't lose weight on 1,000+, so I need to step it up a notch, get my weight back down to a 'safe' zone that I feel comfortable with, and stop trying to make myself feel better with late-night crackers and hoummous.
Something helpful is that I'm broke again, which may be a blessing in disguise - because this way, I can't afford Starbucks (milky fatty goodness), cigarettes (cancer-inducing shit sticks) or things to binge on (calories ahoy). This way, I'm buying what I need, surviving on less and fingers crossed losing weight. Lots of it.
So if all I can afford for lunch is a small bag of fries with ketchup and a diet coke from McDonalds, and all I can afford for dinner is a £1 salad, that will be that. I'm not planning on spending over £3.50 a day. Time to get my butt in gear.
Right well I'm just going to come out and say it. I had the most depressing morning ever. Yes, I say this sort of thing all the time. But I have hit an all. time. low. with my weight, and not a good 'low'. I weighed in at 157 freaking pounds. Okay, so admittedly I stepped on the scales early (8am), after a bad night's sleep (5hrs) because I had to wake up for a doctor's appointment.
The problem is, I've been exercising like a bitch on speed for the last few days, I'm talking kickboxing at my gym, biking, treadmill, all of that stuff. And I think because my metabolism sped up slightly, I compensated by eating more. Exercise makes you hungrier - that's a well-known fact - the point is you're supposed to eat your post-workout snack, then STOP until it's dinner time. My problem? I just keep on going. Bread. Lots of bread. And cheese. The two evils of this universe.
While I'm proud of myself that I've actually got my ass in gear after so long being a dormant lump, my recent weight gain is making me completely re-consider the benefits of exercise. So we all know working out is good for you. But is that all worth it, if I just end up gaining a pound a day doing it?! I want to keep going to the gym - I know it's good for me - but the problem is my diet, and the way I over-compensate with food when I'm tired, hungry, or bored.
I have a month until I go back to the States, and I refuse to have another awful, awful experience with my self-esteem like last time. Last time was a clothing debacle. I tried on every outfit in my suitcase at least twice over EVERY morning just to find something that didn't make me look fat. And I'm heavier now than I was back then.
I'm eating minimally from now on - or at least until the 25th of June. Healthy eating is obviously great if you can control yourself with proper portions at meal times. I don't stick to set meals, I graze all through the day and by 10pm I'll realise I've consumed up to 2,000 calories unwittingly... when I thought it was more like 1,200. Evidently, my body won't lose weight on 1,000+, so I need to step it up a notch, get my weight back down to a 'safe' zone that I feel comfortable with, and stop trying to make myself feel better with late-night crackers and hoummous.
Something helpful is that I'm broke again, which may be a blessing in disguise - because this way, I can't afford Starbucks (milky fatty goodness), cigarettes (cancer-inducing shit sticks) or things to binge on (calories ahoy). This way, I'm buying what I need, surviving on less and fingers crossed losing weight. Lots of it.
So if all I can afford for lunch is a small bag of fries with ketchup and a diet coke from McDonalds, and all I can afford for dinner is a £1 salad, that will be that. I'm not planning on spending over £3.50 a day. Time to get my butt in gear.
Wednesday, 15 May 2013
The "D" word
I've felt pretty depressed over the past week, I'm not going to lie. My weight's been veering between 155 and 156 and showing no signs of dropping below that range, which depresses me even more. Today was the worst. Last Friday, I applied for a job at my local coffee shop. They seemed to really like me and everything went well - I aced two trial shifts over the weekend, and the boss said she would call me to let me know whether I'd got the job on Monday. My fucking phone which is nearly 4 years old and dying on me didn't receive her call, so she never got through. And when I went in today to explain the situation, she told me I was too late, and she'd given the job to another trainee. So I had actually got it, but because my failure of a phone gave up on me, it went to some other guy. I spent the entire afternoon crying way more than I should have done over some cafe job. Maybe I cried so much because it would have been perfect had everything worked out... maybe I cried because I felt like that was my last hope or something, and it's the closest I've got to actually doing something I enjoy on this fuck-up of a gap year. Doing something that gets me out of the house every day and gives me a routine and a purpose and provides me with some money of my own. My mum didn't understand. She just shouted at me for crying and said I needed to get my life together. Well, hello, that's what I was trying to do. Now I just feel like giving up. Because my life is back to how it has been since February 2012. Two-dimensional, inconsequential, and mostly spent in bed, wishing I was somewhere else with a new name and face.
Even writing about all of that is making my heart hurt again, and I'm beginning to wonder how I'll get through the next few days. I have my shitty waitressing job to attend tomorrow. It's a 6 hour shift and I just hate how mentally drained I feel after coming back from these central London things... but whatever. I have to do it, I don't even have a choice in canceling or they'll fine me more than my wage. Ugh.
Even writing about all of that is making my heart hurt again, and I'm beginning to wonder how I'll get through the next few days. I have my shitty waitressing job to attend tomorrow. It's a 6 hour shift and I just hate how mentally drained I feel after coming back from these central London things... but whatever. I have to do it, I don't even have a choice in canceling or they'll fine me more than my wage. Ugh.
Sunday, 5 May 2013
Saturday night street dancing
Tina came over last night. We feasted on pimento & almond-stuffed olives, peaches, and orange juice. There was a live band playing above the pub at the end of my street, and we walked over, buzzing, cackling from the hilarity, making fools of ourselves dancing and leaping around on the corner of the road. I felt alive, for a moment.
My digestive system is out of whack from all the fibre. Fibre intake is a bit like water intake - when you deprive yourself of it for a while, your body has a hard time dealing with large amounts of it, and your weight goes up. Eventually, your body lets it all go, and everything gets re-set. My weight went up to 155.6 this morning. I know it's food weight, but it leaves me feeling discontent. I came across these pictures of myself earlier when going through old archives.
Friday, 3 May 2013
Raw food revolution
I’m setting a little challenge for myself over the next few days, to consume a mostly raw food diet without obsessing over calories or weighing myself. Yep, this means reverting to my vegan ways for a while. I am interested to see if it makes any difference to my energy levels, mood, and general overall appearance (skin, weight, etc.)
So yeah. I’m going to take it upon myself to eat “raw” (with the exception of coffee, and soy milk) until this time next week, and see where it leads me. Fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, whole dried fruit, raw vegan bars and juices, and shitloads of water.
• raw overnight oats with soy milk, peanut butter, raisins and walnuts -400kcal
• raw vegan Nakd bars x2 -290kcal
• raw sweet peppers, 1 punnet -45kcal
• raw sesame, pine nut, chickpea and olive oil hoummous -700kcal (I didn't eat this all in one go but had half with the peppers, and half later)
• orange juice, 2 glasses -240kcal
• 2 coffees with soy milk -115kcal
• elderflower water with ice, several glasses -50kcal
• butterleaf lettuce and green beans with raw balsamic honey dressing -55kcal
Total: 1895kcal
It astounds me how much I can eat/drink without clocking up the calories. I was stuffed when I came home and just had a few bites of veggies, as that was all I could handle. 1895 calories might sound like a lot, but I ate what felt like a huge volume of food for that amount, and hopefully my metabolism should get up to speed digesting all of it. I can excuse 1500 + calories if it's all the good, clean stuff. If it's crisps and chocolate, I feel shitty, and my metabolism slows down.
My aim tomorrow is to eat more fresh produce! I might venture to the fruit/veg market stand in the morning, and stock up on cheap cucumber, celery, kale, and peaches. Yummm.
So yeah. I’m going to take it upon myself to eat “raw” (with the exception of coffee, and soy milk) until this time next week, and see where it leads me. Fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds, whole dried fruit, raw vegan bars and juices, and shitloads of water.
• raw overnight oats with soy milk, peanut butter, raisins and walnuts -400kcal
• raw vegan Nakd bars x2 -290kcal
• raw sweet peppers, 1 punnet -45kcal
• raw sesame, pine nut, chickpea and olive oil hoummous -700kcal (I didn't eat this all in one go but had half with the peppers, and half later)
• orange juice, 2 glasses -240kcal
• 2 coffees with soy milk -115kcal
• elderflower water with ice, several glasses -50kcal
• butterleaf lettuce and green beans with raw balsamic honey dressing -55kcal
Total: 1895kcal
It astounds me how much I can eat/drink without clocking up the calories. I was stuffed when I came home and just had a few bites of veggies, as that was all I could handle. 1895 calories might sound like a lot, but I ate what felt like a huge volume of food for that amount, and hopefully my metabolism should get up to speed digesting all of it. I can excuse 1500 + calories if it's all the good, clean stuff. If it's crisps and chocolate, I feel shitty, and my metabolism slows down.
My aim tomorrow is to eat more fresh produce! I might venture to the fruit/veg market stand in the morning, and stock up on cheap cucumber, celery, kale, and peaches. Yummm.
Wednesday, 1 May 2013
Yesterday was okay, I guess. I had a fall out with my mum over the application for student finance (one of the most overly-lengthy and stressful online forms to work through, in my opinion) and a minor breakdown about money. But I met Tina for lunch and we pigged out on some organic goodies from the health food shop. In the sun. With iced coffees :) I ate way too much yesterday though - over 2,000 calories, which isn't exactly conducive to weight-loss-mode... I weighed 155 lbs this morning after glimpsing 154 yesterday :( I'm sticking to 1,200-1,400 from now on, with daily workouts, so I can get my weight under 150 as soon as possible.
I've got a big afternoon waitressing - my shift is from 4.30-11pm :( I don't know why but I always dread my shifts, because they're so draining and we don't get any breaks - but afterwards I usually feel really buzzed like I'm high or something. And I end up talking to nice people. So I just have to cling onto that bit, I guess. It also means I don't smoke for half the day, which is a plus... God I really need to quit smoking. It kind of clashes with the whole healthy lifestyle thing. Shame I'm such a hopeless addict :s
I'm debating whether to keep logging my daily intakes here, in one place, or to create a new page on this blog/a food tumblr to log my intakes? What do you guys think? It's nothing of great importance, but I'm leaning towards keeping this blog more feelings/progress/life-oriented, and categorising my food logs and all the technical stuff off into another separate journal.
Anywayy, eating plan for the rest of the day:
Breakfast was a homemade iced mocha with skim milk (around 120 cals - yumm)
I had 1/2 piece of wholegrain bread with 1tbsp peanut butter (140 cals) and a few bites of last nights leftover mac and cheese (50 cals?) out of boredom this morning :( I have got to stop doing this
So the rest of the day, lunch will be egg whites, walnut and apple salad with some cheddar cheese and balsamic dressing (300 cals). Because that is what's in the fridge, and I need to get my veggies/protein in there somewhere...
During waitressing I've packed 2 Trek protein bars (480 cals) to keep me going (if I even get a chance to sneak off to eat them). That'll bring today's total to 1,090, then I'll have some room for juice or whatever if I'm still hungry when I get home.
I've got a big afternoon waitressing - my shift is from 4.30-11pm :( I don't know why but I always dread my shifts, because they're so draining and we don't get any breaks - but afterwards I usually feel really buzzed like I'm high or something. And I end up talking to nice people. So I just have to cling onto that bit, I guess. It also means I don't smoke for half the day, which is a plus... God I really need to quit smoking. It kind of clashes with the whole healthy lifestyle thing. Shame I'm such a hopeless addict :s
I'm debating whether to keep logging my daily intakes here, in one place, or to create a new page on this blog/a food tumblr to log my intakes? What do you guys think? It's nothing of great importance, but I'm leaning towards keeping this blog more feelings/progress/life-oriented, and categorising my food logs and all the technical stuff off into another separate journal.
Anywayy, eating plan for the rest of the day:
Breakfast was a homemade iced mocha with skim milk (around 120 cals - yumm)
I had 1/2 piece of wholegrain bread with 1tbsp peanut butter (140 cals) and a few bites of last nights leftover mac and cheese (50 cals?) out of boredom this morning :( I have got to stop doing this
So the rest of the day, lunch will be egg whites, walnut and apple salad with some cheddar cheese and balsamic dressing (300 cals). Because that is what's in the fridge, and I need to get my veggies/protein in there somewhere...
During waitressing I've packed 2 Trek protein bars (480 cals) to keep me going (if I even get a chance to sneak off to eat them). That'll bring today's total to 1,090, then I'll have some room for juice or whatever if I'm still hungry when I get home.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Bring on May
I'm trying to pull things together. It's not easy, but I'm trying my damned best to stop being so hard on myself. It's time to reclaim my life and put myself back together. I've been watching Felicity, and dreaming about New York. Bash, her eyes filling with some sort of spark, tells me she's looking at apartments there. She got her first offer the other day. Somehow, it seems, her state of mind might be salvaged. She had a stressful year, down, in part, to the fact that she hated Boston, along with an accident that left her mother paralysed in January. But she's getting through.
I weighed 155 this morning. An improvement. Yesterday I had about a pint of blood sucked out of me at the hospital, so in a week I'll find out if there's anything wrong with my thyroid. I'm half-hoping there is, and half-hoping there isn't. Another disorder would probably drain me completely, however I would be able to rest assured that there was some other explanation for my weight gain, depression and fatigue besides... well, my own head.
For now, I'm putting myself on a high-protein, low-carb diet. I don't want to eliminate carbs altogether, but 'white' carbs can definitely go, I'll be sticking to whole grains for the time being. And I'm going to start working out again, 15-20 minutes every day, because I've fallen out of my cardio workouts and conditioning and it feels terrible. I guess, in a nutshell, I'm going to start treating my body and my mind better than I have been doing. Eventually I want to cut out smoking altogether, but for now I might just limit it to social smoking, then when I feel ready I'll start on the nicotine patches/gum and find some other habit to satisfy my oral fixation (do they sell sugar free lollipops?) - either way, I'm getting healthy. May is going to be a month of health. And I'd like to say happiness, but that might be a bit far-fetched. I am working on my self-annihilation, though, because it doesn't help things at all. I realise through my recent blog posts I've been sounding more and more depressive. And while that's often my default, I should work harder to move away from the negative mindset. It does me no favours.
I've decided to take before and after photos this month, because I think it's time for me to stare my weight gain in its big ugly face, and get some motivation to do something about it. Hopefully these will be improved, after 4 weeks of working out, eating clean, and thinking more positively.
I know. My legs are so chunky, my stomach and hips are bloated, and my thigh gap is basically non-existent these days when I'm not in heels. My aim is to lose 10-15 lbs, and tone up by the 1st June. A big motivation is that I'll be flying back to LA - this time for 3 weeks - at the end of June, and straight after that I'm going to Portugal with my mum. So the real deal starts from the second I wake up tomorrow, no excuses this time.
Saturday, 27 April 2013
Sharks
Everything is shit. I'm 157 lbs, and there's no way I can get out of that one. I have to face the facts. Things at home are miserable. I'm happiest when I'm asleep or in bed, away from reality. I'm broke and it sucks because one of my best friends is back from the states and I couldn't even afford to get on a tube to meet her tonight, along with all my other friends who were welcoming her home. My mum finds any way to get at me about my current lack of employment. I've booked numerous waitressing shifts for next month, I'll be working my butt off but even then, the money I earn doing that won't be transferred to my card until June (and besides, I need it to go towards savings for uni, let alone my plans for this summer, so it won't be money to live off). I listen to songs I used to love and find inspiration from, but now all they do is make me cry. In fact, everything is making me cry at the moment. I cried after I finished dinner, not because I felt guilty about the food I'd eaten, but because I thought the empty plate and glass looked tragic, sitting there alone on the table, compared to the night I should have had.
I'd like to be 120 lbs. I'd like to be 140 even, anything but this. This is disgusting, obscene, wrong. I'm debating in my head whether or not to cut to a measured 600 calories a day, or take advantage of being fat and 'diet steadily' at a safe, controlled 1200. It probably doesn't matter what I plan anyway, because we all know my track record with sticking to things.
I want to be free. I want to be free of weight worries, calorie worries, health worries, money worries, friendship worries, life worries in general. Having Kit here was lovely, but in other ways, it depressed me to no end, because she has everything I envy. She's in a long-term relationship with a man who loves her to pieces, and they're moving into a beautiful seaside cottage together this Autumn while she attends art college. Even though she's only 19 like me, she's going to be living in this perfect blissful idyll with someone who adores her for the next three years, and after that she'll be off travelling, doing what she loves best, and being free. Her family all get on, and they rarely have arguments - unlike my own family, who started tearing each other apart before I was born. She lives in the country, where the kids are free to explore as they please. She even has her own art studio that she can escape to if things get too stressful, along with all the land they own out there. And it's not just her wealth and personal relationship I envy - I haven't mentioned that she's also incredibly beautiful, toned, and slim, and hasn't once watched her weight, having been a dedicated swimmer for the past six years. I'm not saying she's perfectly happy. Of course not. She has plenty of anxieties of her own, as does any young person trying to find their footing in the world. But she's cushioned, and she always will be. I was thrown off the cushion and in to the deep end so long ago I can't even remember what it felt like to be on the cushion. Ironically, being pushed in with the sharks didn't make me any freer. It just made me more depressed because I realised what my life, as me, embodied, and probably would continue to embody as I grew older.
Who knows. This is just a meaningless rant, one of many. All I know is that I cannot be 157 anymore. Cannot and will not. This time last year I weighed 141 lbs. If it takes my last energy to get back there by the end of May, so be it.
I'd like to be 120 lbs. I'd like to be 140 even, anything but this. This is disgusting, obscene, wrong. I'm debating in my head whether or not to cut to a measured 600 calories a day, or take advantage of being fat and 'diet steadily' at a safe, controlled 1200. It probably doesn't matter what I plan anyway, because we all know my track record with sticking to things.
I want to be free. I want to be free of weight worries, calorie worries, health worries, money worries, friendship worries, life worries in general. Having Kit here was lovely, but in other ways, it depressed me to no end, because she has everything I envy. She's in a long-term relationship with a man who loves her to pieces, and they're moving into a beautiful seaside cottage together this Autumn while she attends art college. Even though she's only 19 like me, she's going to be living in this perfect blissful idyll with someone who adores her for the next three years, and after that she'll be off travelling, doing what she loves best, and being free. Her family all get on, and they rarely have arguments - unlike my own family, who started tearing each other apart before I was born. She lives in the country, where the kids are free to explore as they please. She even has her own art studio that she can escape to if things get too stressful, along with all the land they own out there. And it's not just her wealth and personal relationship I envy - I haven't mentioned that she's also incredibly beautiful, toned, and slim, and hasn't once watched her weight, having been a dedicated swimmer for the past six years. I'm not saying she's perfectly happy. Of course not. She has plenty of anxieties of her own, as does any young person trying to find their footing in the world. But she's cushioned, and she always will be. I was thrown off the cushion and in to the deep end so long ago I can't even remember what it felt like to be on the cushion. Ironically, being pushed in with the sharks didn't make me any freer. It just made me more depressed because I realised what my life, as me, embodied, and probably would continue to embody as I grew older.
Who knows. This is just a meaningless rant, one of many. All I know is that I cannot be 157 anymore. Cannot and will not. This time last year I weighed 141 lbs. If it takes my last energy to get back there by the end of May, so be it.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Farewell to the fairground
That feeling where you can't control your own body, your weight, or what it's doing in general, is probably one of the scariest feelings a person who has suffered with an eating disorder can experience. I've had that feeling for weeks now, and it's one of the major reasons I haven't posted since I got back from holiday. The direction my weight goes in is so at odds with the way I eat that I've begun to suspect I might have developed some kind of underactive-thyroid problem. I go over 1,200 calories and suddenly I'm a kilo heavier, regardless of the fact that those 1,200 calories have undoubtedly been healthy ones, regardless of the fact that I will have worked out for 45 minutes at the gym and done a further 15 minutes of conditioning at home.
I'm still bouncing around the 152-154 mark on the scales. I hate it. It makes me sick that last summer I could eat double the amount I'm eating now, and maintain weights as low as 137. It makes me regretful that I deemed that weight "fat" at the time. And it makes me confused as to how I ended up here, at a number I once thought I would never, ever see again.
More than anything, it makes me want to starve again.
And starve I will, if that's what it takes. This time I'm armed with multiple sachets of cup-a-soup, fruit tea, fat-free cheese, and truckloads of olives, because they're small and manageable and delicious and CHEAP.
The good thing is the weather's looking up, so no more stuffing my face purely because it's cold. The annual funfair's been set up on our local common, and Kit, an old friend, is coming down to London to stay the night. Tomorrow will be spent at the fair, and tomorrow night will involve wine, and possibly a movie. I've missed her so much, and I'm praying I won't have to eat majorly while she stays with me. Her company will be enough.
Lastly, I've realised I don't want Alfie in my life anymore. He's been super insensitive about stuff lately, and messed with my head big time. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with my father for years, and I am not going to let history repeat itself by making myself vulnerable to another man intent on toying with my emotions. That's the long and short of it. Maybe I'll elaborate later. For now I'm feeling pretty beaten up about it.
I'm still bouncing around the 152-154 mark on the scales. I hate it. It makes me sick that last summer I could eat double the amount I'm eating now, and maintain weights as low as 137. It makes me regretful that I deemed that weight "fat" at the time. And it makes me confused as to how I ended up here, at a number I once thought I would never, ever see again.
More than anything, it makes me want to starve again.
And starve I will, if that's what it takes. This time I'm armed with multiple sachets of cup-a-soup, fruit tea, fat-free cheese, and truckloads of olives, because they're small and manageable and delicious and CHEAP.
The good thing is the weather's looking up, so no more stuffing my face purely because it's cold. The annual funfair's been set up on our local common, and Kit, an old friend, is coming down to London to stay the night. Tomorrow will be spent at the fair, and tomorrow night will involve wine, and possibly a movie. I've missed her so much, and I'm praying I won't have to eat majorly while she stays with me. Her company will be enough.
Lastly, I've realised I don't want Alfie in my life anymore. He's been super insensitive about stuff lately, and messed with my head big time. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with my father for years, and I am not going to let history repeat itself by making myself vulnerable to another man intent on toying with my emotions. That's the long and short of it. Maybe I'll elaborate later. For now I'm feeling pretty beaten up about it.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Glorious
I feel anxiety-riddled - terrified, to be more precise - realising that I'm flying to Los Angeles in exactly four days from now, and I still weigh 152 lbs. Even more anxiety-provoking, is the fact that I'd like to start properly restricting again (600 calories a day + exercise, plenty of caffeine, and a matching OCD mindset to go with it, whether or not that fits in with my schedule), but being on the cusp of going away is unnerving to me simply because I'm scared I won't be able to keep it up abroad, and the simple act of trying this week will have been a waste of my time if all goes to bollocks out there.
All of this panic induced (surprise surprise) a binge. A weird-ass binge that consisted mostly of seed bread dipped in guacamole and hot sauce, and whole dried prunes. There were other things, too, but it doesn't really matter now, because it's probably the 40th time I've binged already this year, and listing all the foods I shoved into my gob this evening isn't going to make me feel any better, let alone prevent it from happening again.
The point is, I'm freaking out. I'm still freaking out, even after bingeing, which just proves that blanketing your emotions with food does nothing to calm your nerves, or sort things out mentally. In fact, more often than not, it makes things worse. Especially if your nervousness is rooted in the way you look, and how much worse you'll probably look 2,000 calories later.
Normally this sort of terror would propel me into three straight weeks of strict 'dieting' (and by dieting, I mean breaking down when my daily caloric intake exceeds 600). I'm doing everything I can - mentally - to push myself over that edge of sanity and survival instinct keeping me from lowering my weight. I realise, now, it's a mind game. A steady, stealthy period of conditioning yourself into thinking, behaving, and living in a disciplined, regimented way. It's definitely not easy, but I've done it before (see my entries written over last year's study leave, during which I'd hit that stage where restricting becomes easier than bingeing - because even the idea of slipping up by a mere 100 calories is mentally exhausting). There's this huge part of me that thrills thinking about the idea of possibly returning to London a stone lighter than I am now. After all, that's what I've gained, give or take a few lbs, since last summer, and to get that weight back off me at long last would be not only a major relief, but glorious.
We'll see how it goes. So far, I haven't eaten since 10pm, and it's now nearly 2am, which is a good sign. Eating after midnight usually sets me off again.
Tomorrow's projected intake:
-1 c. bran cereal (90)
-1 c. frozen raspberries (30)
-1 c. green beans (30)
-Starbucks skinny cappuccino (96)
-1 c. butternut squash soup (140)
Along with something small, sweet and (hopefully) binge-preventing.
All of this panic induced (surprise surprise) a binge. A weird-ass binge that consisted mostly of seed bread dipped in guacamole and hot sauce, and whole dried prunes. There were other things, too, but it doesn't really matter now, because it's probably the 40th time I've binged already this year, and listing all the foods I shoved into my gob this evening isn't going to make me feel any better, let alone prevent it from happening again.
The point is, I'm freaking out. I'm still freaking out, even after bingeing, which just proves that blanketing your emotions with food does nothing to calm your nerves, or sort things out mentally. In fact, more often than not, it makes things worse. Especially if your nervousness is rooted in the way you look, and how much worse you'll probably look 2,000 calories later.
Normally this sort of terror would propel me into three straight weeks of strict 'dieting' (and by dieting, I mean breaking down when my daily caloric intake exceeds 600). I'm doing everything I can - mentally - to push myself over that edge of sanity and survival instinct keeping me from lowering my weight. I realise, now, it's a mind game. A steady, stealthy period of conditioning yourself into thinking, behaving, and living in a disciplined, regimented way. It's definitely not easy, but I've done it before (see my entries written over last year's study leave, during which I'd hit that stage where restricting becomes easier than bingeing - because even the idea of slipping up by a mere 100 calories is mentally exhausting). There's this huge part of me that thrills thinking about the idea of possibly returning to London a stone lighter than I am now. After all, that's what I've gained, give or take a few lbs, since last summer, and to get that weight back off me at long last would be not only a major relief, but glorious.
We'll see how it goes. So far, I haven't eaten since 10pm, and it's now nearly 2am, which is a good sign. Eating after midnight usually sets me off again.
Tomorrow's projected intake:
-1 c. bran cereal (90)
-1 c. frozen raspberries (30)
-1 c. green beans (30)
-Starbucks skinny cappuccino (96)
-1 c. butternut squash soup (140)
Along with something small, sweet and (hopefully) binge-preventing.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Day 1
-1 c. bran cereal (90)
-1/2 c. soy milk (30)
-Classic side salad (50)
-2 wheat tortilla wraps (180)
-3 slices edam cheese (225)
-2 tbsp. guacamole (28)
-1 c. lettuce (5)
Total: 608 cals
108 cals over my self-imposed limit for the next week, but it's a start. I'm no longer counting coffee, and also am allowing myself up to half a bar of chocolate every night, because I honestly believe it staves off binges. If I tell myself I can have as much chocolate as I want (and I really start to feel ill after a moderate amount of it), I'll tend not to go for the salty carbs or hoummous-y goodness that usually lead to my downfalls. I'll cut the chocolate out (or find a lower-calorie substitute) when I feel like the bingeing is under control, but for now, I'm justifying it by telling myself it's better than a 2,000-calorie break-down in the kitchen every night.
In exactly a week from now, I'll be on a plane to Los Angeles. The big L-A. It would be ideal to get well enough under 150 to deter me from ruining my progress abroad, but we'll see how it goes. Easy does it I guess.
My end goal, besides the obvious losing weight, will be to go long enough without bingeing that I break the habit, therefore deterring that all-too-familiar mindset of 'well, I had one bite, so why not eat the whole thing, and then everything else in the fridge'. I don't expect to never binge again, but when it becomes routine to binge rather than to just leave it, that's when you know there's a problem.
-1/2 c. soy milk (30)
-Classic side salad (50)
-2 wheat tortilla wraps (180)
-3 slices edam cheese (225)
-2 tbsp. guacamole (28)
-1 c. lettuce (5)
Total: 608 cals
108 cals over my self-imposed limit for the next week, but it's a start. I'm no longer counting coffee, and also am allowing myself up to half a bar of chocolate every night, because I honestly believe it staves off binges. If I tell myself I can have as much chocolate as I want (and I really start to feel ill after a moderate amount of it), I'll tend not to go for the salty carbs or hoummous-y goodness that usually lead to my downfalls. I'll cut the chocolate out (or find a lower-calorie substitute) when I feel like the bingeing is under control, but for now, I'm justifying it by telling myself it's better than a 2,000-calorie break-down in the kitchen every night.
In exactly a week from now, I'll be on a plane to Los Angeles. The big L-A. It would be ideal to get well enough under 150 to deter me from ruining my progress abroad, but we'll see how it goes. Easy does it I guess.
My end goal, besides the obvious losing weight, will be to go long enough without bingeing that I break the habit, therefore deterring that all-too-familiar mindset of 'well, I had one bite, so why not eat the whole thing, and then everything else in the fridge'. I don't expect to never binge again, but when it becomes routine to binge rather than to just leave it, that's when you know there's a problem.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)