New tactic

This morning I was up to 137.0. That really pisses me off because I ate well yesterday and I didn't exceed 600 calories. There was no reason on earth for me to gain half a pound. I was really hoping to have lost all the binge weight by now, but no, I'm still 1.6 lbs away from where I was on Saturday morning, and probably won't be there again until Thursday.

Note to self: It takes half an hour to binge but practically a week to reverse the damage.
 
Pointless waste of time.

I'm trying a new tactic today to hopefully give my metabolism some sort of a kick, as obviously, it's dead, despite the fact that I ate half the fridge over the weekend. I'm giving myself a time limit on eating, sort of based around the whole intermittent fasting/one-meal-a-day idea. I started eating breakfast at 11am, and I am going to finish eating (everything for the day) by 2pm this afternoon.

Eats:

- 1 c. chocolate soymilk (154)
- Fresh mango (65)
- 1 tsp peanut butter (50)
- Chicken and vegetable sushi (225)

Total: 494

I'm going to buy a notebook today, I've decided. Last night I started reading through old journals from the last time I was near this weight, which was (if you can believe it) when I was 15. In three years, not much has changed, except now, I eat less. It's kind of depressing how much weight I used to lose on 1,000+ calories a day. Now if I ate that amount, I'd balloon (Saturday = case in point). I was eating things like cereal, toast, mac and cheese, sweets, chocolate and fruit salads all day long. Really calorific stuff and still losing weight.
 
Remember a few weeks after I came out of hospital, when my metabolism was running high and I was able to lose on 1,500? Kind of like that, but a kid's metabolism is just high constantly. Constantly burning thousands of calories at rest. I was way more active back then, that's for sure. Doing PE every day at school, taking the tube twice a day, and all the music practice I used to do... these things add up. Even during the holidays I used to go on way more outings (my family wasn't entirely fragmented at that point) - hikes and trips to the countryside, days out on picnics. I had less friends than I do now but I was out more often, if that makes sense. I wish, more than anything, that I could get back to that.
   
I've been slightly re-living the past. Reading these journals and diaries from three or four years ago is triggering some serious nostalgia. I will go into the shopping centre to try and find an identical notebook to the one I used back then. I'm sure the shop will still stock them. It's a pretty generic ringbinder but it's chunky and almost square-shaped, and colourful. I will replicate the one from 2008. I want to get back into that mindset.  

Which led me onto thinking about goals, and goal weights. I need to build up my calories to a normal level, and soon, because the starving seriously isn't helping my chronic fatigue issue at all. Remember how energetic I felt on Sunday evening? I think it was due, in part, to the amount of carbohydrates I consumed the previous night. Eating this little, at this height, with these health problems, when I could be eating so much more and still losing weight if my metabolism was in the right place, is such a stupid waste of time. I'm craving normality. The quicker I can get to a number I'm OK with, the quicker I can build up my calories again and the sooner I can get back to that normal, happy-go-lucky mindset that allowed me to frolic around for hours on end because I was so pumped up on sugar and couldn't wait to get outside in my favourite outfit.

I figured, once I get to 128 lbs and am then able to raise my calories to a moderate level, I might then be able to drop a few extra pounds just by eating intuitively during the summer when it's hot, when all I want to do is drink cocktails and talk manically to people whose company is utterly absorbing and engrossing, so engrossing that food will be farthest from my mind.

Lastly, 53 followers! I am so utterly flattered than ANYONE would want to read this drivel. So thank you, honestly, it means so much that I have your support. If any of you want a follow back (and I try to follow most of you, when I can find the follow button!!) give me a comment and I'll jump right on it.