Guilty.

Today was horrible. I had a really upsetting meeting with the art department that has made me a nervous wreck since this morning. Basically, I'm quitting the art A level. For good this time. We've all come to the conclusion that I'm not enjoying it or making the most of it, and it probably won't get any easier for me to do that over the next four months, so I'm calling it quits.

My mother obviously wasn't the happiest with this decision, but she's agreed to employ me part-time to help her out with some admin/writing work and running errands, at a wage of £7 per hour. This is definitely not a bad deal, so I'm taking it until I find a proper job. She also made me promise I'd get up and go to the gym every morning, to get myself 'into a routine'. I guess that can't hurt. 

Something horrid also happened on my way home. When I came out of school, I felt like bingeing so badly. I went to check how much money I had on my card. It said that I had £25 in my account, but I couldn't withdraw any cash. Now I don't get any more money in my bank account until Friday, and obviously as a smoker, running out of cigarettes, the idea of that terrified me. I decided to test my card at Starbucks, and ordered a cappuccino, wondering if my card would decide to go through even though I couldn't withdraw anything. It did. So I sat at the back of the shopping centre, chain smoking and drinking my coffee, thinking 'Well, if my card works, I can still go to Tesco.' 

Went to Tesco. Picked up a load of crisps and hoummous and other stuff I could binge on, but at the end I decided that I wouldn't waste money on binge food, and instead replaced the items in my basket with wholegrain rice cakes, Fairtrade bananas, dairy-free "cheese" spread, soya raspberry yogurts, and two trashy magazines that I knew would make me feel vaguely better, both including diet plans (inevitably ones I'd heard of or tried before, but it was that comfort of the idea of reading something familiar-sounding and reassuring). I proceeded to the checkout area, full of self-service machines, and started to bag all of my stuff, deep-down knowing my card wouldn't work. I put my card in. It was declined. I tried it again, and after the "seek alternative payment" screen came up, it returned to its initial "start" routine, implying my payment had gone through. I lifted up the bag full of stuff and nothing happened. I walked out of the shop, like nothing had happened. No need to act suspicious or guilty if it was an honest mistake of me thinking my card had gone through but not stopping to check or pick up a receipt, right?

I got on the tube home, heart drumming against my temples and wrists, the evidence in my school bag, feeling dirty and evil and wrong, as if I'd just murdered somebody. It suddenly dawned on me that I'd essentially just shoplifted. I had been too upset to go back into the shop and "own up" about the machine not taking my payment, and I started to convince myself that if the alarm hadn't gone off, maybe my card had gone through after all.

I'm a dirty, sick liar and I feel like I can't even eat any of the food I bought or read the magazines because they're tainted. What makes me feel even worse is that later tonight, my mum said I could take some change (ie. coins) from her purse to buy cigarettes to tide me over for the next few days. I took a £5 note, as well as four pound-coins. I just stole, twice, in one day. She hasn't noticed any extra money has gone from her purse. 

Who the fuck am I? I feel like going to church and confessing. I feel like picking up litter from all the parks in London and helping old ladies onto buses for the next 6 months just to make up from the bad karma I will have inflicted upon myself today. 

Oh, and I binged, just to add insult to injury. There were crisps and saltine crackers at home, which I ate with hoummous and that cheese-spread stuff. Dirty, disgusting, fat, pathetic liar. 
Plan for the next 11 days is to survive on fruit, veg, soy yogurt, rice cakes, diet coke and cigarettes. Maybe starving will make this all go away.