Old ways

I have dreaded coming back to post on this blog, to be honest. Ten days have gone by and I'm nothing but a big fat failure. I thought I'd have lost some weight by now, but no, my life is a joke, my body's a joke, my work is a joke, and no one in this world except for you, readers, seems to understand. 

Over the last few days I went up to 152 and this morning have dropped back down to 150. Disgust doesn't even cover what I'm feeling towards myself right now. I feel like it was all a trick, one that crept up on me when I wasn't looking. Suddenly one day I look in the mirror, and I see that my face is big and wide. My hips and thighs are huge, my arse is another story altogether. 

I've had enough of being in this body. I really have. I thought I would drop weight naturally after going vegan, but it's been almost a month, and I've been maintaining the same numbers ever since Christmas. This doesn't make me want to stop being vegan, because thankfully it's not just a charade to restrict; at this point I actually have a lot more ethical reasons than personal reasons for my decision to cut out animal products from my diet. But it doesn't help when my mum questions me every time I go into the kitchen, inquiring, 'Have you lost any weight since you went vegan?' and I have to reply in shame that I am the identical weight I was a month ago. 

Hopefully I can ride out the urge to start restricting again and just channel it into being healthy and going to the gym. I also have a lot of work to be getting on with, and maybe that will distract me a bit from thinking about it. I always need fuel when I'm doing my art, I find it very hard to run on empty. Who knows whether that will stop me, but it's something to cling onto.