I am a big fat failure.

I stuck to my promise today of eating more fruit and veg. The weather was so shit, and it put me in a bad mood right from the start. I even tried to weasel my way out of going to school, but that didn't work, as my mum seemed determined to make my life a living hell if I decided to stay in my bedroom. So I packed up my shit and got into school for late morning. It wasn't actually too bad. My teacher saw that I was there getting on with my work, and strangely didn't bother bitching at me about anything. She just said I needed to get in for 11.15 tomorrow so that she could go through some things with me.

Needless to say I couldn't wait to get out of there soon enough. I practically ran out of school the minute the bell rang for the second-to-last period, got on a tube home, then wandered round the shopping centre by myself for 45 minutes so that my mother wouldn't get suspicious if I came home early. Turns out she wasn't even in when I got back, and there was a huge bag of crisps waiting for me in the kitchen. I am so ashamed of what I did next. 

Two pita breads in the toaster; 2 tbsp peanut butter on both of them. 1/2 the bag of crisps, 1 red onion & chive bagel, and a cup of cashews & raisins. I took this all up to my room and proceeded to chew/spit all of it into a big plastic bag which I then tied up and hid in the trash outside our house. I feel completely revolted that I did it but it was better than actually bingeing and keeping the food down.

It gets worse. I was getting ready to go to the gym at 6.30 when suddenly I heard thunder outside. There is no fucking way I'm going out in a thunder storm and getting drenched even if it is in the name of getting skinny - so I ended up getting into my PJs instead, watching the Vampire Diaries, and eating Greek salad.

Breakfast 
- 9Bar 
- Innocent peaches & passion fruit smoothie 
Lunch
- Medium soy cappuccino
- Ryvita minis
- Grapes 
Dinner
- Greek salad (lettuce, coriander, tomatoes, black olives, lemon and olive oil dressing)
- Diet coke 

I'm still 146. I don't get why I'm losing weight so slowly especially since I've been exercising every day. Maybe it's the prozac? Who knows. Either way I hope it hurries up soon, because I'm impatient to start seeing new numbers. I can't exist in this fatsuit any longer.
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EDIT:
Okay well it turns out that not being able to go to the gym is a big fat trigger for me to start binge eating. My mum and sister got in at 8.30 this evening and I shouldn't have even sat down with them to begin with. Because it meant me chowing my way through a bowl of granola with soy milk, another smoothie, some walnuts, more salad, a packet of wholegrain crisps, and 2 slices of bread with peanut butter.

Why do I do this to myself? Do I really think it's going to benefit me in some way?

I'd like to excuse it by saying that everything I ate was healthy-ish, and I've had low energy all day and was really craving protein. But the fact is that no, I cannot excuse it. My day would have been just fine if I had stopped at dinner. 

I also found out I'm going to be doing a shoot on the 9th of February for a friend's photography portfolio. It'll be shot in black and white, probably in central London, and while I know it's not a big deal, I want to look chic and graceful and cheekbone-y in the photographs, not the flabby 146 - or 148, more likely after tonight's binge - I am currently. 

So that's 12 days to shift some weight. Tomorrow I'll be sticking to fruit, veg, coffee, diet coke and cigarettes. No carbs under any circumstances, except maybe some rice cakes or a granola bar if I get starving. That's it. No excuses this time.